Where do psychopaths hunt,
and how do they do it? How you can avoid becoming their prey? When psychopaths see an opportunity, they go for it. Since they’re opportunists, you can be targeted by one of them anywhere. But some places do present a higher risk than others.
The high-risk environments listed further down have these elements in common that make them especially good hunting grounds:
- The proximity principle accounts for the tendency for individuals to form interpersonal relationships with those who are close by and who they come into contact with on a regular basis. Close proximity allows for interaction and allows attraction to grow. This is why most people date and marry someone who lives close to them, works at the same company, or went to school with them.
- Vulnerable people tend to gravitate to specific high-risk places. People who are lonely, new in town, or looking for friends or relationship partners are especially good prey for psychopaths.
- Risk is elevated when people are in a different environment than they usually are in day-to-day life, especially if they have a different mindset at the same time. They may have a casual and relaxed attitude and an expectation of fun and adventure, or they may feel insecure and lack their usual confidence.
- Environments that lend themselves to imbalances of power increase the risk. A person who is in authority in some way is able to exert more influence over others. These power imbalances are normal for the specific activity that presents a higher risk of victimization.
“Psychopaths prefer to hunt in very specific contexts. It must be a place or event with a fresh supply of strangers whom nonetheless have some reason to be there, to exploit. There must be potential benefits for the hunter. There needs to be cover so victims won’t talk. Ideally, the context tolerates significant imbalances of power, so that the psychopath can influence and control, over the long term.”
~ How Psychopaths Hunt, Peter Hintjens
First, let’s look at the places you’re at higher risk of being targeted by a psychopath. Next, we’ll learn what to do about it.
11 13 Danger Zones
Online dating ~ We’ve all heard this one, ad nauseum. You can certainly meet a psychopath on any online dating site. But sometimes online dating is presented as the most dangerous place or the only dangerous place, and if you would just meet someone in person instead you’ll be safe. Not true. But there are things about online dating that separate it from the rest. When you create a profile, you give away an awful lot of information about yourself. You post a photo, describe your personality, and list your interests, your likes and dislikes, what kind of person and relationship you’re looking for, your religion, your profession, and maybe even your dreams and goals for the future. If there is a psychopath reading, you’ve handed him or her the keys to your kingdom. Also, just by virtue of having a profile on a dating site, it’s immediately obvious that you’re longing for a relationship. This is one of the biggest vulnerabilities you could have. Yes, it’s a perfectly normal and healthy desire, but to a psychopath it’s akin to inviting a vampire into your house and offering it your jugular. And it doesn’t matter if the psychopath lives far away or even on another continent; you can be hooked via email, text message and phone, and end up having an entirely virtual relationship. You can even be sucked into some real-life jet-setting psychopathic drama you could definitely live without.
Let FBI profiler Mary Ellen O’Toole teach you how to ‘profile’ your online matches. O’Toole is now an instructor at the FBI National Academy, where she teaches a course to police called “Interviewing Psychopaths.”
“Psychopaths’ favourite hunting grounds are online dating sites, bars and even cruise ships… They go to places where they think they’ll find vulnerable people. They cast a wide net.”
Meetup Groups ~ I once read an article that warned people away from online dating and advised them to go to a meetup group instead, because they’d be sure to meet genuine people there. I beg to differ. I met the psychopath who victimized me at a meetup group. Groups like this, where you’re likely to attend on a regular basis, allow predators to take their time getting to know you and gaining your trust. Many people who go to meetup groups are lonely or bored and are looking for friends, partners or a little excitement. Meetup groups provide predators with a steady supply of new targets to choose from.
Special interest Clubs ~ Yes, psychopaths do join birdwatching clubs, newcomer’s clubs, astronomy clubs, book clubs, and every other kind of club. The same principles apply here as to Meetup groups.
Dance Lessons or Dances (Salsa, tango, ballroom, etc.) ~ It’s pretty well known that predators of all kinds favor partner dancing as a great way to keep up a steady supply of targets. When a skilled dancer asks you to dance frequently despite your two left feet, or singles you out and offers you free private lessons because of your incredible potential, your alarm bells should be ringing. There are likely to be many people there who’ve seen them at work before. When someone’s hitting on you, ask some regulars what they think of him or her, and watch their reactions. This isn’t always reliable because they may have become the psychopath’s minions, or ‘flying monkeys,’ willing to sacrifice a few newcomers in order to maintain whatever benefit they get by providing cover. *This applies to any activity or group where there are core, long-term attendees or members and a steady stream of new people.
“Some situations are tailor-made for psychopaths: singles bars, ship cruises, foreign airports, etc. In each case, the potential victim is lonely, looking for a good time, excitement, or companionship, and there will usually be someone willing to oblige, for a hidden price.”
~ This Charming Psychopath, Robert Hare, PhD, Psychology Today
Cruise Ships, Airports, Vacations and Travel ~ I had a friend who worked a sales job with a guy who formerly worked on a cruise ship. He said the guy bragged about the easy pickings on board, saying his favorite targets were women on their honeymoons. I have no idea if that’s true, but travel is well known as a high-risk time for crossing paths with predators, and it’s even riskier if you do it alone. When traveling you may have a different mindset than usual, as mentioned above, and your guard may be down because of it. You will probably want to meet new people, find someone to have fun with or to help you navigate a strange place. That makes it easy to approach you and strike up an alliance, one that could end up costing you much more than your trip did.
AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) and similar programs ~ Long-time AA members are well aware of the multitude of predators within their ranks, and will often (but not always) warn new attendees. New people who attend are often in a very vulnerable state of mind. This doesn’t mean you should keep up a habit that’s killing you; it simply means to be aware that you are vulnerable and there is a high probability that predators are in the room with you.
At Work ~ Work may not be a high-risk environment per se, but the stakes are high if you’re victimized by a psychopath who happens to be employed at your workplace. Many readers here have told me they met their abuser at work, and it made for a very bad situation when things turned ugly and they still had to see the person every day.
Anyplace There is a Teacher, Instructor or Leader ~ This brings the element of power imbalance into the picture. Authority of any kind makes it easier to exert influence over someone. It can feel very flattering if an instructor takes special notice of you and seems to appreciate your talent above others. When you become Teacher’s Pet, watch out. Even if the predator isn’t actually the instructor or leader, the attention and compliments of a more advanced attendee will carry extra weight. If they offer their private tutelage, it may be irresistible if you have the desire to excel. This is a tried-and-true predatory practice.
Anyplace You Can Find a Mentor ~ Mentors can be powerful allies in our success. They show us the real-world ropes, give us insider secrets, teach us the finer tricks of the trade, and can make introductions that open doors. That’s a powerful draw! Self-appointed, unofficial mentors have the opportunity to form a special relationship with a mentee that puts them in authority, yet at the same time implies they will elevate you to peer status because they believe you have what it takes. Offering to be a mentor is an especially effective ploy in the hands of a predator. Who might these mentors be? Art gallery owners, skilled dancers, business owners, or anyone else who has reached a goal you aspire to and who says they can help you reach it.
School Reunions or Anywhere You Can be Contacted by a Past Classmate, such as Facebook ~ I’ve heard from too many people who’ve been victimized by former classmates to ignore it and to not warn others. Psychopathic former classmates have the element of familiarity going for them, and they may evoke memories of a less complicated time in life you wish you could return to. It may seem like fate is giving you another chance at someone you missed the first time around. It’s nearly a shoe-in for Billy, that slightly strange kid who sat next to you in homeroom for four years or Janie, the pretty girl you were too shy to approach before you both went off to different colleges.
Bars and Dance Clubs ~ Widely known as hunting grounds for psychopaths and predators of all kinds. You may be there hoping to meet someone new and will probably be under the influence of alcohol, which increases vulnerability. It’s perfectly acceptable in these places for a stranger to approach without any reason other than to want to meet you.
Protests and Campaigns for a Cause ~ In these situations, the people involved form a strong alliance over deeply held beliefs and strong emotions. Sharing intense emotions and experiences makes it easy to bond, and there may be a scientific reason for it: Studies have found that intense, exciting or dangerous situations can boost levels of key hormones — dopamine, adrenalin and phenylethylamine — that are also responsible for making people fall in love at first sight. The adrenalin high people experience in these situations feels similar to falling in love, and this tricks our brains into a false sense of attraction to someone within our proximity. “Although you may think you know when you’re attracted to someone and you feel arousal, it’s likely you’re mis-attributing those signals to something coming from another cue in your environment,” says clinical psychologist Jenna Tregarthen. “The psychological advice is to make decisions about romance when you have a level head, and not while there are other cues in your environment that might confuse you.” *You can apply this principle to any other situation that involves a common cause or an intense and shared experience along with danger or excitement and strong emotion.
Couchsurfing and Similar Travel Arrangements ~ This goes along with “travel,” but warrants a mention of its own. The rise of websites such as Couchsurfing and AirBnB afford people budget lodging, but they pose a special risk as well. Some predators have taken advantage of the opportunity to bring a victim to them instead of going out in search of one. On the Map: Is CouchSurfing.org Safe for Women?
Psychopaths can prey on people anywhere. After all, wherever they go, there they are.
You can be targeted by a psychopath even in places and situations that aren’t considered high risk. As long as any of the four elements are present, the possibility of victimization exists.
The proximity principle is always at work in your neighborhood, church and any other place you go on a regular basis. Don’t forget to include places you visit in cyberspace. People have been victimized on internet forums, with topics that range from gaming to support for the traumatized to consumer complaints.
We all deal at times with someone who has authority in some way, and we often have inherent trust for these individuals (such as mental health professionals and clergy), and the predatory individuals among them are well aware of how our inherent trust makes us vulnerable.
And we will all at some point move to a new place, start a new job, or experience some other change in our lives that we can’t avoid and that puts us at risk
So what are we to do?
Stay home? Hide from life and order everything from Amazon? Become paranoid? Of course not. We need to have continual awareness that we could potentially be victimized no matter where we go or who we are; realize when we may inadvertently let our guard down; and practice the same principles no matter who the new person is who has taken a special interest in us.
What are these principles? Knowing your personal weak spots and being aware of when you’re especially vulnerable. Having strong and clear boundaries. Knowing what psychopaths are, how they operate and how to spot them. Knowing if you’re involved in a genuinely intimate relationship or just an intense relationship masquerading as one. Knowing how to trust intelligently. Never letting someone’s words take precedence over their actions. Realizing that falling in love disarms you in a way that nothing else can, and keeping your eyes open despite your feelings.
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“If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.”
~ Sun Tzu, The Art of War
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♥ Thank you for reading.
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“Such a great gem. One of my favorite books about this subject as the author paints such a clear picture of what these relationships are like.”
“Practical, concise, well-written and researched. Everyone should have a copy of this book. In fact, they should give one to every high school student. That would prevent a lot of people from getting involved in ‘?relationships’? with these hidden, manipulative predators. An easy five stars, I wish I could give it a hundred!”
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Met the psychopath who temporarily upended my life at a local art gallery, not an obviously dangerous place. But because I had multiple dealings with him over several monthss he was able to establish a “friendship”, and then a bond, and I became attracted, and then vulnerable. I swear, those principals you list should be tattooed on our arm at birth! Maybe then we’d be aware of these devious predators, and be able to avoid the pain and danger they bring into our lives!
Is it too late to tattoo them on now? Go for it!
I think art galleries might qualify as especially dangerous places. The person who owns the gallery or works there is brought into contact with a lot of people. Customers, guests who come to art openings to socialize, and artists looking for someone to show their work. They could even adopt the role of mentor to some young artist. I’m sure it happens. Maybe I should make a special category for “unofficial mentors.”
Maybe I’ll just carry a piece of paper… :-) I think a category dedicated to mentors of all sorts is very important. “Mentor” implies some power and authority, and those are two of the psychopath’s goals and tools aren’t they?
Yes, definitely! I’m going to add it.
Great minds think alike. LOL
i’ve been thinking about this question for so long. thanks for putting a light on it!
Thank you Janes! I’m glad you got some answers to a long-standing question.
How are you feeling? I remember you saying not too long ago that you were ill. I hope you’ve made a full recovery.
i am sorry, i just saw you ask me about my sickness. My pc is acting up.
i feel much better thanks for asking!
Good, I’m glad to hear it.
i am glad you gave us heads up on social groups( i didnt know those places are also breeding ground for Ps) just like you warned us before about the possible dangers to look out for in online forums about Ps.
the links content is great. i was lost in it for a few days.
i cant stop thinking about the Preditor spiders act like an ant. First it isolates/divides ants then in isolation it eats them one by one without others seeing or suspecting anything & they are next in line. Horrific
Also how preditors in the Jungle & non, they act “Super-Normal” more normal then a normal non-Ps.
After the Spider story know i have no more confusion about Ps nature & motivation
Good stuff
THX!
I like your spider analogy. It’s gruesome but appropriate. So you were lost in the links for days! I’m glad you found the content useful. I really like Mary Ellen O’Toole, the FBI analyst, although I have to admit I don’t know if I could follow all of her advice. I read her book “Dangerous Instincts” (a worthwhile read) and I realize she has good reason to be paranoid after what she’s seen and that she’s trying to protect us, but can I really institute the FBI’s Threat Assessment Protocol into everyday life?
“As one of the world’s top experts on psychopathy and criminal behavior, Mary Ellen O’Toole has seen repeatedly how relying on the sense of fear alone often fails to protect us from danger. Whether you are opening the door to a stranger or meeting a date you connected with online, you need to know how to protect yourself from harm-physical, financial, legal, and professional… ” Dangerous Instincts
Besides your previous post links. i was the Hintjens site that were i read about the Predator
Spiders.
I was one of the Bobs he talks about . It was like Hintjens was a mosquito on my walls in those days:((
I like the suggestions about how to read between the lines in someones writing (for dating profiles or online forums). Little tell tales from Mary Ellen O’Toole.
Agreed knowing, fearing wont stop it. Knowing Self Protection how to handle those situations will.
I still owe you 2 more Reviews for your Books. Soon, my work load will lighten up.
LoVE
It will lighten up when I stop giving you so many books and articles to read :-)
:))
LOL
no, no on the contrary i love reading them all. Your Books & Posts & your personal insights empowers & enriches my life profecionally, socially, emotionally, financially.
until next time
Janes, thank you, I’m really glad to hear that.
I met my psychopath at my class reunion. I was recently divorced and lost my first child to anesthesia sensitivity. I thought I met the man of my dreams. I questioned his cruelty toward others and disrespect for anyone who weren’t as gifted as he. After 37 years he left me for a woman who lived around the corner. If you didn’t agree with him, he fired you. This went for members of his family too. He only communicates with the grandchildren who are too young to know what they are dealing with. I always knew he was a narssicist but had no idea what a psychopath was. It is very hard to have to admit that you were a victim for thirty seven years.
Joan, I’m very sorry to hear that you lost a child. Psychopaths have zero compassion — to them, our losses merely make us easy prey. You’re certainly not alone in having had a long-term involvement with a psychopath. It’s nothing to feel shame over; You’re most likely a person who is loyal and who takes commitment seriously. It happens to the best of us. That’s what makes it possible. I hope you’re doing well.
I can’t tell you how many people I’ve heard from who got involved with a psychopath at a class reunion or who were contacted on Facebook by an old classmate.
Yup. I was contacted after 30 years. Their list of supply includes everyone they have ever met who they deemed a potential feed source. They will eventually get to each one.
Thanks, Lyn. I’m adding it!
I can claim 35 years with one. I knew there were many things wrong, but I had no idea there was a name for what he is. There is no shame in this Joan. We were their targets. The shame is on their heads, not ours!
Thank you, Linda. The shame is on their heads, even if they can’t feel it.
I met mine in a bar. Right away as I walked in with my friends, he gave us a seat. Plus, sent a drink. Then he started ignoring us like nothing happened, and I was lured in. I wanted to meet him. He was magical. :) The rest is history and my time down the drain.
That was clever to buy you a drink and then ignore you instead of pestering you. It reminds me of my own experience. He asked me to dance, and then after 15 seconds he handed me off to some other guy and went and sat down. Same tactic!
He was my German teacher. A lousy one at that. I had just left a man I adored. Moved miles away to forget him. The day I got my divorce, he invited me over for dinner. Not wanting to be alone, I accepted. The rest is history. I know the prick like the back of my hand. Your quote of Sun Tzu is perfect. I know the Psychopath so well, I am no longer afraid of him. I am ready to do battle. The beauty of it is that studying him made me well aware of their tactics. I can spot a psychopath a mile away.
Sounds like excellent progress to me, Anna! I’m glad to hear it. I love that Sun Tzu quote, too.
I have these thoughts in my head, trying to piece them together, and here ye go again Admin articulating so well and adding yet more pieces to my puzzled brain. I met him at a group that were campaigning for a very unpopular ( at the time) miscarriage of justice. My husband and myself had just moved out to the suburbs with our 3 young children. His brother recently had been jailed for a criminal act, he implied it was political, and of course this campaign was only his cover. He had recently called off an engagement, he was late thirties and questions were being asked of him. What better cover for him than my family, and so he got it. I split with my husband, we shared parenting and residency of the children. I think I knew something wasn’t right a few weeks after we moved in, for 20 years I couldn’t understand his mean and cruel ways, and tried everything to ‘fix it and me’. I had no idea of what I was to learn over the next years. I feared very little, and especially no person. With him, I was absolutely terrified and I didn’t even know it. Why would I believe he would do me and the children harm, I loved and trusted him. But I didn’t feel, I was numbed, I couldn’t feel because I would die if I felt what he was doing to us. And so 20 years past, with me not understanding, until I learned by chance listening to the radio that he was an abuser. 3 hard thawing out years later what lessons I have learnt, I love google and how I happened upon Admin and her life saving site. They use both our strengths and ‘weaknesses’ against us, they are the best kept secret of each century, maybe now in the 21st century they will be exposed for all of humanity to see. Love and light xxx
I always liked putting puzzles together, and I guess that’s what I’ve been trying to do here. Being part of a campaign against some injustice would definitely be a place for a predator to find targets, as you unfortunately found. It brings people together as allies to fight for a cause and arouses some intense emotion. It reminds me of the studies that found when people are in a dangerous situation together (like a plane crash or even riding a roller coaster) they tend to fall in love with each other afterward. Hmmm… another one for the list?!
It’s amazing how we don’t see emotional abuse for what it is until we find out about it somehow, by reading or via TV or internet or the radio, like you did, and then it suddenly becomes startlingly clear what was going on all along. Thank goodness for Google, I don’t know what we ever did without without blogs and websites and information at our fingertips. When I was growing up all we had for instant answers was the Magic Eight Ball, are you familiar with it? You’d ask it a question and spin it around, and this triangle would float up out of some murky liquid with a short answer on it — yes, no, maybe, it is certain, ask again later, things like that. My blog would never fit in one of those.
Love and light to you, too xo
I have read that there were serious relationships and even marriages post 9/11 and post-Katrina. That might be worth mentioning on this page… the emotional bond of a common cause, or of shared danger…
I already added the category of a common cause and shared danger or intensity, although it’s in the context of protests and campaigns. People should be able to expand that to include other similar situations.
Good! I missed that…
Oh, you mean you only read it once?!
LOL
Busted! :-)
Yup!
They just beat me to it–a protest site. I met a young woman at a protest site where people gathered every day for months. She watched me and decided after some time that I would be the right guy for her mother. I felt protected by having this acquaintance who vetted me for her mom. Obviously, I didn’t think the young woman would steer me to a psychopath, but that’s what she did and that’s what her mother is.
I don’t think the daughter has accepted this fact. She had a tumultuous upbringing, as she was passed around among relatives until age 14, when she finally got to know her mother.
Bob, maybe this young woman thought so highly of you that she believed that being with her mom would solve her mother’s problems. Love as the cure for whatever was ailing her. Or maybe she was psychopathic herself. I think I like my first idea better.
I think I will add protests and campaigns to the list. Thank you for your comment!
They are right in my family. My parents were…ahem…’narcissists’. Good ol’ Mom, always putting me down and ridiculing me. She even threatened to stab my father once. We lived in a rabbit hole where the mother/father of our family of origin were ‘out to lunch’ every day of their lives. They were ‘clueless’ beyond belief. My father built a castle in the sky for my mother, but it was more of a prison for us kids. And she was the warden. You could not breathe in the wrong direction.
Back to psychopaths: met mine in the fourth grade. She knew exactly what to do and took over. Fast-forward to last year of high school: it hit me full in the face how she had betrayed me … I had the worst year of my life and high school continues to be a ‘blur’ of pain to me (what I can remember, which fortunately is not much). A creep beyond belief. What a rat fink. And so many believed her and thought I was the culprit. And so many still do.
No high school reunions for me … but then again I do not believe in them. Living in the past. Let it go.
It sounds like you grew up in a high-pressure environment, Babs. I can’t imagine how difficult it was. Well, maybe I can somewhat, because my sister was borderline and she was the warden in our home. We couldn’t breathe in the wrong direction, either, or we would face her wrath. I must have breathed wrong eight years ago, because she hasn’t spoken to me since. What a blessing that turned out to be.
The last thing you needed in the fourth grade (or ever!) was another psychopath in your life. I believe that when we grow up with pathological people, their behavior just seems like the norm for us, until they do something really terrible like your friend did. No high school reunions for me, either. Once was more than enough. It was an easy one to let go of.
Thank you so much for your support. I wish I could say that was all there was…but no. I continued to find pathological people in other places (mainly workplaces). And quit several jobs because of them.
Were you sexually abused like I was? Interesting, with the exception of my father it was three females who touched me inappropriately: good ol’ Mom, a neighbor…and you guessed it…the ‘friend’ from fourth grade. She aggressively assaulted me on a school bus.
You’re welcome, Babs. Luckiy I was never sexually abused, but I am sorry to hear that you were. It is interesting that three of your abusers were females. I experienced minor pathological people at jobs and few other places, but then I crossed paths with the biggest one of all. When I resolved that a lot of things were resolved with it, including the wish that my sister would somehow become the sister I wanted instead of the one I had. Acceptance is far better than fighting reality, which is futile. Now that our eyes are open to what normal behavior is and what it’s not, we can spot pathologicals and we can keep them out of our personal lives (or at least kick them out of it when we start to get and inkling of what they really are). I hope you’re on the road to healing from your past experiences.
Thanks for more great insight Admin. I met mine on an Internet forum- don’t think you included that one!
He singled me out because I had a bone to pick with a company that I bought goods from. He claimed he had exactly the same problem and wanted me to help him fight the manufacturer. He made me feel sorry for him with a recently deceased wife and a pending court appearance. So I drove 4 hours to support him! I have wished so many times that I never took that trip!!! Anyway, lucky I saw what he was doing and got away from him 7 months later.
So you can meet these vultures anywhere and anytime. The most important knowledge to have is that they exist to will trick you in any way they can.
That’s what it boils down to. They exist, they’re everywhere, and they will try to trick you. My post could have been a whole lot shorter.
I’ll add internet forums somewhere…
OK, I added it in the text above, “so what are we to do?” in the paragraph about the proximity principle. We visit places in cyberspace just as we do in our neighborhoods, and no place is safe. Maybe the most dangerous places are those that seem safe. Who would think they could be victimized on a forum of people complaining about a manufacturer? Did he really have a problem with the product or was he there just to target someone? Even if he really was there with a complaint, anywhere they go — there they are!
CouchSurfing.com – a social networking website that provides a platform for members to “surf” on couches by staying as a guest at a host’s home or join an event.
Thanks, Lia! I just did a google search and there are many sad stories of victimization. I’ll add it to the list!
Teacher / leader in a dance club setting. Psychopaths don’t work well in teams so they get to work on their own teaching individuals and small groups in a public place (more exciting for them, juggling all those masks in public) in a high-paced, exciting environment with plenty of Narcisisstic Supply and a constant supply of new targets / pawns.
I would love you to write a post about a psychopath’s flying monkeys. Mine has useful pawns who lend him credibility and can be fun. Three are completely oblivious and take him at face value, two know what he’s like (although they get most of their information from him. That said they have access to the gossip network but choose to disregard what they’re told.) They’re wannabees – posh jobs, posh cars, think they’re in the A-team. I laughed in their face when they imply that. They are truly awful together.
The two oblivious pawns don’t know any better. They take the P at face value, though the M is much more transparently an M and they should be more discriminating about associating with him. One of the wannabees is suppressing his doubts about the P because he’s playing on her weakness of wanting to be in the A-team in life and he has obviously created the persona of an A-team clique.
Sorry I’m letting my sardonic side out. :=) I’m usually so easy-going …
In a case like this, I think you’re entitled to be sardonic!
Psychopaths don’t need any narcissistic supply. Only narcissists do. Psychopaths only cultivate the admiration of others for instrumental purposes — either to victimize the person who admires them, or to use that person to make themselves look good to others so they can victimize them.
“Narcissists seek attention from others for its own sake, and they’re emotionally wounded if they’re rejected. Psychopaths seek attention from others as a method to get something else, so they do not feel any emotional pain if they’re rejected (although they will feel frustration at not getting what they wanted).”
Narcissist or Psychopath? What You Need To Know
Psychopaths are often thought of as narcissistic, but they’re actually grandiose — and there is a big difference between the two. A narcissist is very fragile and insecure, and is deeply wounded from rejection. Rejection means nothing to a psychopath — they couldn’t care less, except for not getting what they wanted. You can’t hurt a psychopath’s feelings. They don’t have any.
I read the same a while back at psychopathicwritings.com/2011/06/need-for-attention-fear-of-rejection.html
The author (a psychopath) also says:
‘We like to get attention, to be admired and respected just like everybody else, but we do not feel bad if we don’t get these things.’
I agree, Ps seek popularity et.c as a means to influence others, not because they need it. My P isn’t the slighest bit bothered by rejection, water off a duck’s back.
Z explained the difference very well, I thought.
The freak of a psyco I met, relaxed in my presence at first as I only observed and noted every obscure move he made. He tagged me every where and I used the opportunity to scrutinise his obscure behaviour.
He tried to lure in my hairdresser, that was planned to be ‘his hairdresser’. He had his lush coiffure cut at any corner shop and gladly trotted after me to my salon. We let him advance till we had good solid concrete proof of his cheap sexual lust.
This bummer targeted women with toddlers in doctor’s waiting rooms. Telling each and every one, the same hart broken story of how his wife denied him the pleasure of sharing the upbringing of his beloved baby boy. Then he will ask where they were working and voila! Out comes a business card with contact details. In the back ground, I made voice recordings on my phone. Had the names and it corresponded with later telephone and w/app records.
May I mention one more?
Front desk receptionists. He mingled, at least had coffee dates, with every possible willing receptionist of businesses his company worked with. So, the lady at the storage company as well. (They must see many psychopaths). Some girls are so gullible, when I called with some interesting approach, they gave me more info that I could think of asking for.
Ai ai ai …
This list will keep us going!
He really got around! They all do. We have to be on alert everywhere, Shani. They’re everywhere we are.
I hope your hairdresser gave him a really bad cut!
LOL! Mine is getting his hair cut at my hairdresser’s salon now too… I have cut off all contact, but I suppose this is a kind of stalking. I’ll have to tell my hairdresser to “accidentally” shave one side of his head next time… that should put a stop to that stalk! :-)
Haha, yes, she made him look like a mop!
BUT, they move along with very subtile actions, just a shade of wrong and a challenge to proof!!
I met mine at church. The minister brought him over and performed the introductions. How much safer can you get than the minister playing matchmaker?
So many people tell me that I have to meet men in better places, assuming that I pick up men in dive bars, but none can tell me where is a safer place than church.
Another one was the friend of friends; they kept telling me they knew a guy who I had a lot in common with. They’d known him for years, but apparently didn’t know the dark side of his personality. Again, EXACTLY the way people tell you to meet a nice man, by having friends match you up.
I’ve never ever dated a man I met in a bar. The men who caused me the most problems had all attended religious schools. So it’s not that I’m choosing men who are obvious problems, but that they appear to be good men on the surface and you have to get to know them before you realize the game. They know how to make a good impression on my friends and family and only bring out the abuse when we’re home alone.
So true, KC. People think meeting an abuser happens online or in bars, but we know the truth. I met mine at a wholesome-seeming club with attendees of all ages, many who had been there for years. They’re skilled at making a good impression, that’s for sure. Only time will tell, unfortunately. Best of luck to you in the future.
I met a psychopath through facebook, I responded to a comment posted by a friend of mine, actually a former student of mine, and this person added a comment to my comment, and we continued a series of comments, like if it was a conversation between she and I. So I said to her, why don’t we add each other as friends and we may continue commenting or chatting about some other topic in the future. She agreed and we started being “friends” in facebook. One time we were chatting and she started calling me names like, honey, darling, love, so on and so forth, and a few days later she began talking sex in an audio conversation in facebook’s audio feature. One time we had cybersex like this, and I got hooked. Bad mistake, she took control of a considerable portion of my free time, and then focused on getting me to leave my wife of 12 years, who for professional reasons does not live with me full time. But we kept our marriage going inspite of the separation by the distance, by visiting each other 2 times a month, talking on skype. I regretted having fallen in love with this person, it is a nightmare. At the moment we have blocked each other in facebook.
Antonio, I’m sorry this happened to you. You’re not alone—I’ve heard from many people who were targeted and hooked online, without ever having met in person. Many of them left their spouses, like you did. Some of them managed to save their relationships, and I hope that will happen for you, too. Whatever the outcome, I understand how difficult and painful this is, and my heart goes out to you.
Just a quick comment about your reply, I did not leave my spouse, I talked to her about the issue of having met someone in facebook who was interested in having me to visit her for a sexual encounter at a distant city, and have some sort of a relationship, let’s call it romantic. My wife was very understanding and gave me her support and confidence I would overcome this situation, and fortunately I have had some counseling and am doing better emotionally. Thank you for your reply, I just wanted to set the record straight, my wife and I are still married and will be so for a long time to come. Best regards, Antonio
I’m so glad to here it, Antonio! I wish you and your wife all the best xx