Feelings of Loss and Grief After the Psychopath is Gone

“Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow.”

~ Leo Tolstoy

This morning a reader named Joanna said “I hate myself for missing him. Now I’m grieving badly and I so want to get rid of this heartache and heal.”

No matter if you end the relationship or the psychopath discards you, there will be some rough times ahead. That’s not surprising since you are going through a serious trauma. Part of that trauma — and one that takes some victims by surprise — are feelings of profound loss and deep grief. This may not happen right away. But as things start to resolve and it becomes more quiet inside, grief is often what’s left standing, waiting for your attention.

This aspect of the trauma seems perplexing. These uncomfortable feelings of loss are often denied, neglected or diminished by the victim, her friends and family, and even her counselor if she has one. After all, you just went through months or years of victimization by a man (or woman) who never loved you in the first place. How could you be grieving over such an unhealthy relationship with someone who was so terrible? Feelings of guilt and shame set in. But the grief is still there, waiting.

Remember, the psychopath established an intense bond with you during the idealization phase; without that, the manipulation and abuse could never have happened. You may have believed this person was your soul mate, the love of your life. Trying to hold on to that, and seeming to recapture it from time to time, is what made it all possible. Now, the part of you that believed and hoped and dreamed has finally realized there is nothing to try to hold on to anymore, and your feelings of loss can be profound.

Even if it’s true that the person you loved wasn’t who you thought he was and the relationship wasn’t what you believed it to be, your love was real and so is your loss. Your love and loss deserve and need your acknowledgement, acceptance, compassion, and grief. Grieving is necessary for healing.

Unresolved grief can leave emotional scars and depression behind. An understanding therapist can be very helpful in this situation if family and friends aren’t able to be there for you in an accepting and non-judgmental way (or if you’re not able to be there for yourself in an accepting and non-judgmental way).

I hope these words will help Joanna and anyone else who is feeling the same way.

Your loss and your grief deserve and need your acknowledgement, acceptance, and compassion.

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LOTUS DIVIDER

“I loved the author’s ability to simply and compassionately describe why, and how, I feel victim to a monster. For me, she eloquently describes the most complex, confusing, horrific experience of my life.. To the author, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart.”

“Her writing was like discovering a mentor, a friend, a sponsor, a confident who understood, who explained in detail what happened to me in my relationship with this man. I felt like something in the universe directed me to her. Her books will help you understand the hows and whys of what you went through. Your healing can begin with her writings.”

“Invaluable. Having been in a relationship with a psychopath for many years, I desperately needed some insight into what had happened and why. I have gained a tremendous amount of strength and knowledge toward healing from years of abuse by reading this book. One of the best.”

“Spot on! Everything I needed to know to gain closure! Absolutely 100% what I was searching for! I highlighted SO much of this book. It validated my feelings, spoke to my heart, opened my eyes and set me on a path to closure! So glad I read it!!”

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31 thoughts on “Feelings of Loss and Grief After the Psychopath is Gone”

  1. Edwige

    Dear Joanna, it happens to me too, I still grief about it. It has been 7 years now and I have two children of 11 and 16 years old. We still feel the loss with holidays, birthdays, and especially school events. As their father left them and run to another country. I am mourning every day without someone knowing it. One day is better then the other. It is like a hidden scarf. Sometimes I am still getting punished, family members talking to me about news they got, pics I dont want to see. Do you recognize that? The hurt is always out there it doesnt go away. I am helped by the fact that there has been other people who have experienced the same. And yes it feels like having the stockholm syndrom. You need to give yourself permission to get better by taking babysteps. You were not put on this world to be miserable, remind yourself of that. Fight the opponent. Be nice to yourself. Know that you have sisters like me who understand you. Be aware of all good things you got back in return, the calm the quality of having the gamestick of your life back in control. He aint the first and he wont be the last!! And thank god for this website!! Look at the book toxic relationships by KimberleyJ.Brasher,BS,JD.

    1. Admin

      “I am mourning everyday without someone knowing it.”

      Not anymore, Edwige. You’re not alone.

      1. kiwigal007

        Hi Joanna
        I understand exactly what you are going through, there are so many questions that you want answered from him? So many things that have you doing somersaults in your head trying to work through all the pain. For months I was in the exact same spot and I found it hard to think straight and get my head around it all. This morning I went online to see if I could find something to sum up how I have been feeling and to pass it on to you, to help you get through it all. I hope that this will help and my heart goes out to you as you try and make sense of everything. You will get through this. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to grieve. It takes two in ‘most’ relationships but in this case it was him and most certainly not you.
        Kia kaha (Stay strong)
        Hugs from New Zealand, Shell
        http://www.waking-you-up.com/the-psychopaths-relationship-circle-manipulative-psychopaths-psychopaths-in-love-Sex-addicts.html

  2. kiwigal007

    After the P in my life told me that he had met up with an old flame I had kind of felt something was wrong a few months before, call it intutuion but I felt as if he was not as responsive as he used to be, the texting became less frequent and the contact was hanging by a thread. He would only correspond with me if I made contact first. But after he told me that he had met up with this woman, my heart went into shock even though I knew something was going on. I suffered an angina attack on the way to work which was perhaps brought on with all the stress that I had in me that had been following me around for sometime. I know what he is up to and although we live in different places now, I have mutual friends that tell me how foolish he is and how pathetic he acts. They are starting to see what I went through and can only just wait and watch before he does it all again with this woman. It takes time to get over any loss but with this kind of relationship you often feel that you are to blame and whether you should have tried to love him more, given more of your attention and things like that. But at the end of the day, once he realises he can no longer fool you and you have ‘cotton on’ed ‘ to his games, he will devalue you, the sex that you had will become almost non existent and he will do anything to avoid you including silent treatment. And when you think its best you walk away, he lures you in again, just enough to keep you dangling until he finds his next victim and then he will release you, leaving you dumb founded at odds and really a mess as you try and make sense of the whole thing.

  3. Joanna

    I know my love was real. And I feel a terrible void and I long for the person I thought I knew. Sometimes I wish I didn’t love so deeply and passionately. I’ll try to become a wiser person. All I want to do now is heal and become myself again.

  4. Broken

    I am in the middle of it right now. How do we get over it? I feel devastated, and no one really understands, they think he’s a jerk he hurt you, thank God your away, but although I understand what they are saying, it’s so much more. My love was real, and I keep reading all of these and seeing that I am not alone helps, but I just feel lost. I haven’t talked to him for three days. He lives 4 hours away, we were together for 4 years, and the last two he moved in a neighbor girl who got him on meth. So for two years I have seen him every two weeks and he has been on meth. He has nothing left but his meth friends, swears he hasn’t cheated on me and I am the love of his life and soul mate, but I have been suspicious about other women the whole time, he just talked me out of it. If any of you can help me, please let me know. I need someone to talk to that understands so bad!

    1. Admin

      Sorry to hear of what you’re going through. You MUST end all contact with this person. No Contact. That will give you the space you need to think clearly. They talk their way out of what we know to be the truth. Actions speak louder than words, yet these people cause us to doubt that and doubt ourselves. Words are cheap! It’s easy for him to say he’s your soul mate, but a soul mate doesn’t do the things he does, do they? No Contact, that’s the best advice I can give you at the stage you’re in. From there, you can begin to move forward. Best wishes to you!

      1. Broken

        Thank you so much for responding! He keeps writing me, but I am not responding. He says how could I love him and treat him like this, and why do I have to make him hurt, its such a hard mess to be in, and no one else understands, they say “he’s a jerk, why aren’t you over him already”? Its so helpful to read that other people have been through this, and no contact is my plan!

        1. Admin

          That’s a good plan. Please don’t waste your life with this meth-addict and loser, and don’t let him talk you out of what you know to be the truth. Stay strong. Best wishes.

        2. Puppet

          I hope you found a way to heal from this. I am going through this now, and only after cutting him off completely, have I been able to see who he has always been. I blocked his number so he can’t call or text me, I deleted all social media accounts, I cut contact with his entire family and all of his close friends (friends I know will assist him in feeding back info about me), and I have had all emails from his email address sent directly to my archive folder.

          Occasionally I check the archive folder (glutton for punishment? maybe), and his erratic emails show his true colours. I made the mistake of responding to a few. They were all “I’m so sorry, I’m getting help, I’m sorry to have put you through this…I just want to know that you are ok” etc etc… and I fell for it at first, and sent him a couple of heartfelt emails saying that I hoped he was seeing a therapist and telling him how he had made me feel all these years (we were together a little over 5 years), and I told him about how I’m doing now…then the next email I got was so abusive about how I’m the one with all the problems and how he has told his therapist about me and his therapist is “very concerned” about my behaviour not his. The next day I had a psychologist from the place he moved to look me up on LinkedIn. So I don’t doubt that he actually has spun a complete web of lies to this poor gullible therapist, painting himself as the victim and me as the abuser. I actually vomited after I put it all together. He has made me feel physically ill with anxiety about him telling these lies about me to people…because people actually believe it!!! He then sent me another “nice email” telling me he was just very angry about the breakup and he’s sorry for the email, and that he really hopes that I get some help. The thing is, I know that when he says that, he doesn’t mean “I hope you get some help to deal with the abuse I have inflicted on you over the years”…he means “I hope you get some help to deal with all of your problems that forced me to act the way I did”. It’s just the incessant blaming from him. He is STILL blaming me for everything he did TO ME, as if I did it all to him.

          Anyway, after that he would test me by sending sporadic emails, just giving me updates on his life, or wanting to tie up loose ends (joint accounts/assets etc), I would make the mistake of replying, and then I’d get another apology email, and I would reply with another heartfelt email….then I’d get nothing. Then a few weeks later, another “crumb”…he would send another “update” on how happy and changed he is…I would reply and then again…nothing, or a short message “I hope you are getting the help you need”.

          I decided instead of auto-archiving, to just send direct to trash and then auto delete the trash daily. Since then, I’ve been able to move on with my life and not be his puppet anymore. I can just picture him sitting back each time I replied, with that psycho smirk on his face that he would get when he had just played someone. It makes me sick that I fell for this for so many years.

          I am so angry. Confused. Sad. Grief-stricken. Self-conscious…I was so confident before I met him. I think that was his game. He saw how confident I was and he wanted to see how long it would take to bring me down, to break me. 5 years 4 months, that was my breaking point…I wonder if I will ever trust anyone ever again?

          1. Admin

            I’m very sorry to hear of what you’ve been going through with this cruel, sick man. You’re wise to block everything and send his emails to the trash. The blaming is hard to take; it’s something they all do at the end. After all their betrayal they blame us for everything, and the reason they do it is the same reason they do everything — to inflict harm. It might be hard to believe right now, but you will trust again and you will heal. Not only will you heal, but you may even go on to be even more confident than you were before. In order to get there, you have to start where you are now; there are no shortcuts through the worst of it, unfortunately. I know how hard it is, and I hope you have some support. You’re not alone. I wish you all the best, and I hope you’ll come back and let me know how you’re doing.

            1. Puppet

              Thanks Admin. I’m on a waiting list for a good therapist. I honestly feel though, if I tell a therapist all of this, that they are going to think I’m completely insane and making it all up. When I tell myself some of the things he has said to me, or done to me…even sometimes I don’t believe it. It’s like a movie script. He was also a drug addict like Broken’s ex. Of course, every time he used drugs and I left to go stay in a hotel or hostel or at a friends place, he would say I was being unsupportive by leaving. The facts are, I was removing myself from a dangerous situation. Twice when he had been on meth binges, he tried to strangle me to death. The first time, he was asleep and lying next to me, and at this point I had no idea that he had been using drugs as it was early in our relationship. We were watching TV and he fell asleep, after a minute he woke up all confused, started asking me where I’d been, I said I hadn’t been anywhere and that he’d been asleep for less than a minute…I actually started laughing because he was being so ridiculous. He started screaming at me “stop lying to me, who have you been with” and calling me a slut and a c**t, then grabbed my neck and strangled me, I couldn’t breathe, I actually thought I was going to die, then I frantically scrambled my arms around, finding a belt, and hit it on the head with the belt buckle to get him off me. He let go, and of course got more angry, I ran out the door and he chased after me, and I grabbed the belt and hit him with it to keep him away from me, he pushed me across the hall. Then our flatmate came out and saw what was going on and I stayed in her room that night. He went back to bed, and in the morning he had no recollection of what had happened…or so he says.

              I explored him to get help, I’m so stupid, I shouldn’t have stayed, but he convinced me that he honestly couldn’t remember it, so I thought he must have been …sleep-attacking me? Like in a nightmare? It certainly did seem that way. It still doesn’t excuse it. There was only one other time where he tried to strangle me, it was mostly verbal and psychological abuse…but I always had it in the back of my mind that he could kill me, because he almost had once before.

              It sounds like something from a thriller film, what if the therapist thinks I’m actually crazy and delusional? (Which is what he has convinced me…he says I make things up…I don’t even know anymore).

              1. Puppet

                that should say implored not explored

              2. Admin

                I would think that if this therapist has experience with abuse victims, s/he will not think you’re crazy or delusional.

                A big part of what they do is to make us doubt ourselves and our perceptions. When you have more time away from him and his influence, you will start to become more clear about what happened. After a while I was astonished that I even ever questioned it; it became very obvious that he made doubt reality with his manipulation.

                It does sound like a thriller-genre movie. I often think of my own experience like that. I’m glad you’re safely away from him!

    2. kiwigal007

      Hi Broken
      I just read what I wrote on this post a year ago and its still fresh now as it was then. I think you need to look at you now and after you mentioned that this man is on P, you are dealing not just with a mad man but a druggie too. Look at yourself and look at how much you are worth. You are not worthy of this man and you know that if you best friend had a man like this, that you would be telling her to run from him too. I know that it is hard now, its so hard that not everyone totally understands it. But by you coming onto a page like this is good, you are educating yourself about these manipulative people and the more you read, the more you will start to see that there was nothing you could have done to put things right again. I was in my relationship with the man I consider Narcissitic for six years. The first year or so were really lovely, truly magical. He had me literally floating whenever I was around him. Then after awhile reality set in and I started to notice that he was not really there for me when I needed him. I put it off though, dismissing it, putting it down to him being tired from what he was doing, work, music (he is a classical musician) and anything I thought was just him being a bit under the weather. But then he would rage about things especially if he was rehearsing, he would scream and shout or if his work was not going right in his graphic design programme and it had moved from the spot that he had put it in… I was not used to that f word that he used so much. But thats the trouble we start making excuses for him, we cover it up and then after we have covered it up he goes and makes all these other crazy things happen… One minute he was up and the next all down. I truly felt as if I was walking on eggshells. The blow for me was that he told me he was not in love with me but he loved me, I was his very good friend, not a partner, that we were in a relationship and then we were lovers, we were this we were that. He left me spinning. Do you really want a relationship like that? That is what you need to ask yourself? Do you want drama in your life where you do not know one day from the next what he will be like? I can bet you said no. It takes time and in time it will fade, its still there but it will fade. I have learnt to find something else to fulfill myself and right now I know that jumping into another relationship has been good for me. I have given myself time to heal, time to grieve, time to do what I want not what he wanted. I am giving myself that unconditional love I gave him. And you know what? Your worth it. You are worth your while now. Start by putting that focus into you and do something special for you, start small and work from there. Even if it means buying a few treats when you go the supermarket for yourself. Look after yourself and love yourself for who you are. :-D

  5. Broken

    kiwigal007

    Thank you so much for your post to me! It does help to know that there are others out there who understand, I feel like everyone is thinking thank God your away from him, now what is wrong with you? I haven’t heard from him for three days now. We went to grade school together, and graduated together except he didn’t graduate, he was wild and I was scared of him, then fast forward to four years ago when I had just gotten divorced and we started talking on Fb, he had just gotten divorced too we were both 45, and it was so exciting and I have never ever been loved like that, in fact I don’t believe I have ever been in love until him, he had a successful computer business and lived 3 and 1/2 hours away, my daughters liked him a lot, he came to visit every other week for 4 years missing maybe 3 times, and I went there for my vacation every summer and we did water parks and he was just THE BEST. But the whole time he was not paying his taxes, started not paying his bills, and always when he was here some girl would text him. But I was so proud of him! The high school loser was exactly like me, we loved to do the same things, he really wasn’t a loser after all. Then I see a letter from him to a girl who he was talking to about taking pictures, and he told her to come take pictures of him cuz he’s not shy, we went to vegas and two girls contacted him there, and then this neighbor girl moved in down the street and she would text him while he was at my house wanting to know how long until he got home, and he explained away everything, and there is so much more. But he told me he just had a bad habit of flirting and he means nothing by it, it’s just him, he likes to make women smile. I believed everything. Then last Christmas came and he texted another girl we went to high school with to call him lover and I got mad, told him I was done! And he then decided to tell me that the neighbor girl moved in and she had been there for three weeks and he didn’t know how to tell me cuz he was afraid he would lose me, but swore he had never ever cheated on me. He wants that on his headstone that he never once in his life cheated, he is so proud of that! He then after telling me lets the girl live there with him for 6 months, he would say he told her she had to be out by this day or that day but she never left. Then just last month he told me the reason he let her stay was because he got on meth and they did meth together, and he needs me to get off of it, and he still never ever went there with her (sex) he needs me to be his purpose. You people here know the love you feel for these people, and how they can slip back into that fake person and you get your hope all up again. My heart is broken, and no one understands. I just want to be me again, I used to be so happy and fun and now I’m empty, and I don’t know how to make people around me understand so I pretend I’m ok, but I’m not…

    1. kiwigal007

      There are so many red flags that came up in your message to me Broken I have to keep going to the top of my page to read them and then comment again.

      The first red flag is that you told me that you went to school with him and he never graduated.. and you were scared of him… If you were scared of him then, what makes you think he will not be scary later on?

      Then you met up with him again after all these years online.. another red flag. I am sorry if I sound cold when I say all this but…

      Going online you can be anyone you want. You can be happy, sad, or any other emotion you want online. Basically he wowed you by perhaps saying all these wonderful things to you, reminding you of all those things that you both got up to in High school and reminising over the past. That is fine but remember you were young back then and you have grown up since then.

      Then he stopped paying his taxes HUGE RED FLAG. Oh gosh I tell you Broken when I read that I wished that you could of just started to distance yourself a little. Sure you had lots of fun times with him when you got together but if he stopped paying his taxes and all of that, that would really start to concern me. He may then want to borrow money from you, then what?

      And then the supposed girl that was texting him… are you sure it wasn’t an estranged wife or something lurking in his cupboards?

      Oh dear Broken you have certainly been through the mill and my advice right now is to do what Admin said to you. Cut all contact with this man. If he is on P, he is not worth your time or your love. You need to look at where you are heading in your life and your career and what it means to you. Would you be prepared to move? Is it possible for you to get transferred to another place if you are working? I am very concerned about your safety as I know that this man could just as easily turn up on your doorstep again one night and often when you least expect it. Also is it possible for you to change your phone numbers, mobile number etc.. You need to wipe this man from your contact details and inform everyone else that has them that you have changed numbers etc.. The girl that is living with him is most probably his new flame, of course she wont leave, he wants her and no doubt he has been having it off with her at the same time he has had it with you. I really am sorry for you Broken but you need to cut yourself away from this preditator, what he told you, is just a bit of a cover up so he doesnt get caught. You do not need to be his purpose, your purpose is to run, run as fast as you can from this guy and protect your children too and if he comes calling, you need to be strong enough to send him away if not you contact the police. It could get nasty especially with P in his system.

      To become you again you need to move away, move to where you know you are safe and where you know he cannot find you. I am guessing you are in the States, unfortunately I am not so please excuse me on this one but you need to find a place where you can get away and the sooner the better. It will help you to gain that closure you need as a person on P is someone you do not want to be around. You need someone that you can depend on, someone who will be there for you and will worship you and take care of you. This guy does not care about you and your feelings, he cares about himself and probably only cares about that girl because of the P attachment he has to her, he probably doesnt really care about her either actually… SPONGE thats what he is, he has sponged off you and now he sponges off her.

      Kia kaha as we say here in New Zealand
      Be strong!

  6. Broken

    Thank you again for your comments! Something positive has happened, his phone got shut off! So only through email when he is near a computer can he contact me. Through going to a therapist she thinks he is a sociopath, I’m not sure the difference, but the best thing is he has lost everything. He lives in a house now with other meth addicts (although he’s quit) (and no I don’t believe him) and the house has no electric or water, he lost his car and was borrowing one from some lady who is too big to fit in it, and he wrecked her car so now no car, no house, no job, the girl is gone because she has no more use for him, and lives 3 1/2 hours away still so I think and hope I’m safe here because he can’t get here and he knows I do not want to see him. So all contact has been cut for 5 days now. But I am worried and I feel empty. He does have an ex wife that is just like me, stable, she is actually on a trip to Italy with her new husband as we speak, they have a 5 year old daughter together that he has 50% custody of and had 50% of the time until he moved the neighbor in, and then his ex wife stepped in and said he couldn’t have her anymore. I agree there were many red flags looking back, but he was so perfect when we were together. I am learning about sociopaths though and I am seeing it threaded through everything. Thank you and Admin for your time and understanding, these guys are a piece of work!

    1. Admin

      Glad it helps. Five days with no contact is a great start. Make sure to block his email address right away. Don’t let that part of yourself that misses him give him any chance to get back in!

    1. Adelyn Birch

      Sorry, Renee. I hope things will get better for you soon. Best wishes.

  7. Renee

    Hi admin…I was about to post a longer comment about my problem but why is there an error?Is there a word limit?

    1. Adelyn Birch

      No, there is no word limit at all. I’m sorry you got an error message.

      1. K.M

        I have found this site 2 days ago and I keep reading all posts. It’s sad how many women r just like me. I’m in a long distance relation with a man since 7 years. I met him online when I was very sad and down bcz I was in divorce with my husband. He was there for me to comfort me with his nice words..8 months we spoke online and me having no idea how he looks like,he sent me a photo after an old photo since he was younger..I was on my 40 that time and he was on his 58..after a year of talking online many times a day he finally decided to come to my country to meet me in real…so we did met…he liked me more and me at that time I had a feeling to end to not continue..it was something with this man,but instead to listen to my feeling I continued with him,fell for him..it was like all the world was mine..I was happy again..hmm…what a illusion…he was coming to me every month visiting me..in fact having sex with me…and as time passed he changed,started to ignore me,started to flirt online and me discover it..all he was saying..was…they mean nothing to me..you are my only woman I love..and me I believed him for so many years..every time I was asking him when we’ll move together ..he was saying..this summer..this winter…bluffs…then all he was saying was..soon…stop nagging me about it…ufff…I continued to wait and hope..I was loving him so much believing his words that the others he flirts with means nothing..he started to take me in holiday every Christmas ,every summer and lately Easter too..as we didn’t lived together it was easy for him to hide his flirts…when he had a new woman he was vanishing weeks not replies my msgs..I was down and crazy feeling sending him tones of msg…in vain…after that he was returning to me as nothing has happened blaming me that I’m crazy bcz I wrote to him rubbish msgs..it’s a long long story…I tried many times to end but as well returned to him loving him more..I was waiting his msgs and needing them as a drug addict…he made me to be weak,to not talk with any male friends bcz he was jealous…in fact he never cared about me or what I do as we are in different countries..it took me 7 years to understand that he will never move with me and that all I mean to him it’s just a rubber doll to use anytime he wanted. I had found out his lies,confronted him but even then he kept lying..he destroyed my self esteem,I don’t know what to do or to think as I put him on pedestal and on last place..I know he it’s a psychopath from the way he is behaving and treats me but how to get away from this relation..a part of me know I should cut all contact with him but the other part it’s just waiting his msgs and I always end replying him…why I’m so weak…why I can’t get him out of my mind and my life…why ? He destroyed me and me I let it happened . My friends doesn’t understand me,they say me to just stop..how?

        1. Adelyn Birch

          I’m sorry you’ve been going through such an ordeal.

          What these people do is lower our self-esteem and self-worth to the point that we feel bad enough about ourselves to stay with them. You see, they know that if we felt confident and felt good about ourselves, we would want nothing to do with them.

          When it begins, they make us feel very good about ourselves and make it seem like we have a special relationship with them and that they value us; that’s how they hook us. Then they start to gradually devalue us, and as their opinion of us seems to go down, our feelings about ourselves go down, too. But the truth is that how he feels about you and how he treats you doesn’t really have anything to do with YOU — it has to do with him and his need to bring you down and make you feel bad about yourself, because he has nothing real to offer you and that’s the only way he can keep you around.

          If you felt good about yourself right now, you would turn and walk away without a second thought. But in order to feel good about yourself again and get to that point of wanting to break your bond with him, you have to get away from him first! That’s the catch-22 — that’s what makes it so hard to leave him, but so important that you do leave him. It is only with space and time away from him that you will want to be away from him and happy to be free of him!

          That means you have to act in your own best interest and end all contact with him, even if you don’t want to. Yes, it will be very hard in the beginning, but remember that you’re saving your own life. If you don’t, you will waste more of your precious time and feel worse and worse about yourself for staying with him. Do it for yourself, KM. He doesn’t value you, but that does not mean you shouldn’t value yourself! Remember, he’s a creep who knows he can only keep you by ruining your self-esteem and your life. That’s not love — it’s sickness, and he’s infected you. The only way to get well is by staying away from him. Think of it as a quarantine. You will heal in time. Best wishes to you.

          1. K.M

            Thank you so much Adelyn FOR ur response..

            1. Adelyn Birch

              You’re welcome, K.M. Good luck to you.

  8. Renee

    I met this guy,who was an exactly Perfect Mr.Right in my eye.I trusted him THAT much that I can give ALL my feelings,dignity as a girl,values and body to him,in SUCH short period.I had numerous guys chasing over but I’d never care.But for this guy,I could literally knee down to massage his legs,buy him stuffs,pick him up,send him home at late night,give him sexual pleasures,compliments,love,cares,life advises EVERYTHING!!!!!The fact is I still couldnt’ believe that I was once so wise but eventually trapped in a psychopath’s hand and willingly became his puppet.I felt so dirty and shameful..Everything about this guy is so similar with me.His interests,thoughts,social life,lifestyle,accents everything!He is just a perfect SOULMATE to me,which he loved to mention everyday.His words were always so heartwarming,convincing,warm and sweet.He would spend whole day just to give me satisfied amount of rhetoric.He would kiss me in public,and make every date EXACTLY like the most romantic scenes in the love dramas.Telling me about his financial plans,dreams and our marriage and I LITERALLY HAD 1000000% FAITH IN HIM.Who knows eventually I found out his true psychopathy personality and all those perfections was just my OWN IMAGINATION.It was all FALSE,lies and lies and LIES.The scariest thing was that he LIED from the very first beginning to the end and until now he is still living in his own drama and he would never ever know about it because he HAS MENTAL ILLNESS.I brought out the idea of temporary limiting contact due to our both’s final exams.His reactions was CREEPILY FURIOUS AND INSANE.He threatened me with suicides,breakups,creating false stories to gain my sympathizes such as he had recently lost his step-father who was an army in United States(we are Malaysians) and he couldnt bear the pain of losing his loved one again,he said he never mentioned about that stepfather to me because his identity need to be hidden ETC.I fell for his trap by rushing to ‘SAVE’ his life.He told me he was at the place where we first dated(i started sensing the strange dramatic scripts)and acted really pathetic when I went to see him.I was so scared that he would die.He just KEPT threatening,threatening,threatening,threatening over and over and over and over and over again regarding his death!I was completely a fool that I rushed to contact everybody for help,drove so dangerously on the road while feeling extreme guilt of him being like that.Well,indeed,all these were just complete RUBBISH because all those are just a psycho’s tactics in victimizing somebody.I even brought him to his parentsI found out his family is problematic too.And I suspect his illness was caused by his poorly understanding and rational thinking mother.His brother and father weren’t that normal-behaved,neither.Of course I got scolded by his family and got blamed that I AM THE ONE WHO CAUSES THEIR SON TO HAVE SUICIDAL THOUGHTS.When I only know him for less than 2 months?! After that incident I wasn’t fully awaken yet and he knows that,he kept trying to get me back with VARIOUS tactics.Such as calling me and tell me that his DEAD UNCLE IN US HAS A WILL FOR HIM AND ME AS HIS FUTURE WIFE(SERIOUSLY) AND HE LITERALLY SHOWED ME A WILL LETTER(WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY TYPED AND PRINTED BY HIMSELF) YOU SEE?? THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR A NORMAL TEEN TO HANDLE.I WAS TRAUMATIZED AND STILL IN PANIC AND FEAR.I gave all my heart,body,soul and spirit to A MENTALLY ILL PSYCHO.AND I ACTUALLY DID LOVED HIM.He then found out that it is really impossible to get me back anymore so he started spreading about my virginity has gone to him over his social medias(HALELUYA THAT I DIDN’T HAD ANY NUDES PICTURES WITH HIM) and about me CHEATING on him AND A LOT OF DIRTY THINGS ABOUT ME. I did not feel heartbroken,JUST NUMB. I mean he LOVED ME so extremely much???? I don’t know what am I feeling now.No anger,no sadness,couldn’t cry or laugh.Wanting to feel disappointments,pain but what I can feel right now is totally nothing.I am so emotionless and EMPTY.Literally.But I experienced fears and panics almost everyday,every few hours.That I actually feel like hell because seriously,not even ONE people understands what Psychopathy is.Nobody understands that I can only hide to myself and browsing around the internet searching for help.Right now I just wish that 4 months back I could interpret the future and escape from all this craps.What a strong grief…I really hope I could get completely healed…

    1. Adelyn Birch

      Renee, I’m sorry you’ve been through this terrible ordeal, and at such a young age. I know it’s even more difficult because no one understands. I’m glad you reached out for help.

      We all wished we could turn back time, but of course we can’t so the only way out is to go through it. You will heal. Never doubt that! It’s devastating to be betrayed like this, but you will heal eventually. We are able to overcome great adversity, so please have faith in yourself and in your capacity to heal. I admire your strength in staying away from him once you recognized what he truly was. I don’t know what services are available to you, but if you could see a therapist who specializes in abuse, and/or find a support group for victims of abuse (yes, what he did was definitely abuse) it could help.

      I wish you all the best, Renee. I hope you’ll read more of the website and stay in touch. I’d like to know how you’re doing, if you’d like to do that. You can read other people’s stories on the “Stories” page in the main menu above. In fact I will copy your story and post it there, because our stories help people to know they’re not alone. Best wishes to you.

  9. Seth

    People around me don’t fully understand my trauma from this person and what was so wrong. A psychopath gives you EVERYTHING for a long period of time, months and months, to think that you are soulmates and that she is the love of your life, and then, they use all this power against you to hurt you to break your soul and spirit. They dismantle you, to lose all confidence in who you are, who you believed that you are, because this person abuses your soul in a sadistic cruelty and on top of that she will blame you in everything and you end up questioning yourself. You ask yourself how is it possible that a moment ago she loved me with all her heart and now she is trying to hurt me so bad? You don’t really understand what has happened, nothing makes sense to you in the psychopath behavior because her behavior is not normal and is not in proportion or in relevance to yours. She (the psychopath) manipulates you to hate yourself. The psychopath creates an illusion of a positive reality to her victim just to shut off her feelings to him like you would shut off a light switch. We find ourselves in a great emptiness and confusion, we try to understand what the hell happened, i can compare a relationship with a psychopath to falling asleep in a warm and super comfortable bed, and once you are asleep the bed suddenly disappears under you and you fall endlessly into a hole, while your brain tells you its impossible, you keep falling.

    1. Adelyn Birch

      I’m sorry this happened to you, Seth. I believe only others who’ve experienced it can understand, which is difficult when you need support. I hope you’ll find what you need. I wish you all the best.

      Your analogy about the bed is perfect.

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