Dark Night of the Soul: A Spiritual and Existential Crisis Read More »
Although it resembles depression—nothing makes sense anymore, there’s no purpose to anything—a dark night of the soul is a much different experience.
Dark Night of the Soul: A Spiritual and Existential Crisis Read More »
A MUST-READ If You Ask Yourself “WHY DID I STAY?” or “WHY CAN’T I LEAVE?” Read More »
Why did you stay? If you’re still involved, why can’t you leave? Find out now. In the process, free yourself from needless self-blame and shame.
A MUST-READ If You Ask Yourself “WHY DID I STAY?” or “WHY CAN’T I LEAVE?” Read More »
In the Aftermath: GRIEF Read More »
Of course you’re grieving. But wait a minute, you tell yourself. You shouldn’t be grieving because you know this person didn’t really love you.
In the Aftermath: GRIEF Read More »
Fear, Hatred and Superstition VS Empowerment Read More »
If a few years have passed since you were traumatized and you still feel fear, hatred, and vulnerability, and if you avoid new relationships, don’t accept it as just the way things are now.
Fear, Hatred and Superstition VS Empowerment Read More »
How To Never Get Involved with an Abuser Again Read More »
The two traits all abusive people have in common: They lack empathy and they are manipulative.
How To Never Get Involved with an Abuser Again Read More »
Defeated? Damaged? Destroyed? TURN, TURN, TURN! Read More »
“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” ~ Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
Defeated? Damaged? Destroyed? TURN, TURN, TURN! Read More »
“I Should Have Known” Read More »
While we’re in the thick of the present moment, we must make decisions based on incomplete information and insufficient personal experience. That means failure can and does happen, to everyone.
“I Should Have Known” Read More »
The Psychopath: An Empty Boat Read More »
Understanding that psychopaths have a brain disorder that makes them act the way they do can help resolve anger, self-blame, doubt, and confusion.
The Psychopath: An Empty Boat Read More »
You Are Not Your Thoughts: How METACOGNITION Can Help You Heal Read More »
You are not your thoughts, and just because you have a thought does not mean it’s real or true, or that you have to engage with it. Having thoughts–which happens automatically–is different from thinking.
You Are Not Your Thoughts: How METACOGNITION Can Help You Heal Read More »
Tired of being used, invalidated, manipulated and devalued? PRESS THE BUTTON! Read More »
Do you want to have relationships with healthy, normal people? Could your self-confidence use a boost? Press the Button!
Tired of being used, invalidated, manipulated and devalued? PRESS THE BUTTON! Read More »
Feeling Crazy? Unstable? Unhinged? Read More »
If you’re doubting your own sanity, rest assured that if your symptoms started during the abusive relationship, you are experiencing post-traumatic stress.
Feeling Crazy? Unstable? Unhinged? Read More »
First, Do No Harm: Abusive Psychotherapists Read More »
How can you tell if your therapist is crossing the line, or is engaging in poor therapy that is harming you or has the potential to do so? This post is not intended to scare anyone away from trying therapy. There are good therapists who are able to make a real difference in people’s lives.
First, Do No Harm: Abusive Psychotherapists Read More »
Others Have It Worse Than Me: SELF-INVALIDATION Read More »
When others invalidate our feelings, it creates emotional distance. When we invalidate our own feelings, we create alienation from the self. We also create feelings of guilt and shame. Self-invalidation (and invalidation by others) makes recovery from depression and anxiety particularly difficult.
Others Have It Worse Than Me: SELF-INVALIDATION Read More »
Persistence of Memory: The Phenomenon of Intrusive Thoughts Read More »
“It feels like a thorn in my brain.” That’s how one reader described the intrusive thoughts that plague us long after a psychopath is out of our lives. I’m here to reassure you that the intrusive thoughts will eventually fade away.
Persistence of Memory: The Phenomenon of Intrusive Thoughts Read More »
Into the Mirror… and Out Again Read More »
Psychopaths know they have to hide what they truly are in order to win your heart. A psychopath knows you would not want anything to do with him or her if they didn’t. And when they’re trying to trap you, who do they pretend to be? You. That means… you fell in love with yourself.
Into the Mirror… and Out Again Read More »
EMPATHY: What It Is and Why You Need It Read More »
Emotional reciprocity, love and belonging are essential human needs, and if these needs are not being met, then mental and physical health will suffer.
EMPATHY: What It Is and Why You Need It Read More »
To Trust or Not To Trust… Is That the Question? Read More »
What are we to do? Should we trust or not trust? How about neither one? It turns out there’s another choice available to us.
To Trust or Not To Trust… Is That the Question? Read More »
The Transformative Power of Telling Your Story Read More »
Over time, your story may become quite different than it was at the outset. The facts don’t change, but your interpretation of them — and the meaning you give to your experience — can change, going from a story of defeat to a story of victory.
The Transformative Power of Telling Your Story Read More »
The Peace and Healing of Acceptance Read More »
Acceptance isn’t the final stage in some neat and orderly process; it helps you move through the process. The first thing you might need to accept is that you’re having periods of strong emotion that often feel unbearable.
The Peace and Healing of Acceptance Read More »
Want To Reclaim Your Power? Re-Write Your Story! Read More »
The lie is the story of defeat and doubt and failure. That’s the story the psychopath wanted you to create and live with. Don’t fall for it anymore.
Want To Reclaim Your Power? Re-Write Your Story! Read More »
Why You? And How Did You Get Trapped? Read More »
If you can’t figure out what made you vulnerable or don’t believe you were, remember that it is our best qualities — our ability to give and receive love, to trust another enough to be intimate and vulnerable, and to believe in the goodness of another — that enable a psychopath to victimize us.
Why You? And How Did You Get Trapped? Read More »
The Healing Power of Awe Read More »
Awe expands and heals the soul. When we’ve been in a dark place that has made our spirit wither and grow dim, awe opens it again and fills it with light.
The Healing Power of Awe Read More »
Is He or Isn’t He? Why It Doesn’t Matter Read More »
I get many letters from readers who aren’t sure if their partner is a psychopath or not and want help figuring it out. Part of my response is “You’re asking for relationship advice on a website about psychopaths. That, in and of itself, indicates something is seriously wrong.”
Is He or Isn’t He? Why It Doesn’t Matter Read More »
Self-Respect: The Key to Everything Read More »
Losing our self respect stems from the feeling that we compromised our own values, dignity, and boundaries.
Self-Respect: The Key to Everything Read More »
The Self-Compassion Effect Read More »
Self-compassion is nothing less than a paradigm shift after involvement with psychopath, narcissist, or any abuser. It can be transformational.
The Self-Compassion Effect Read More »
Forgiveness: The Other F-Word Read More »
The idea that you have to forgive or you’re a bad person is untrue and detrimental. Instead of moving forward in your recovery, you expend energy trying to forgive and wondering what’s wrong with you since you can’t. There’s nothing wrong with you. You can’t forgive because the perpetrator does not deserve it and because what they did was unforgivable.
Forgiveness: The Other F-Word Read More »
Angry? There’s a Reason for That Read More »
It’s normal to feel anger and even rage in reaction to being thoroughly violated by someone without a conscience and is a walking moral wasteland. Fierce anger and indignation — outrage — is an appropriate response. It means is that you know you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, and that you recognize that you weren’t.
Angry? There’s a Reason for That Read More »
DOUBT: Friend or Foe? Read More »
Your doubts exist for a reason. In a healthy relationship, it’s not usual to be consumed by uncertainty or to be left doubting yourself.
DOUBT: Friend or Foe? Read More »
Moral Injury: The Hidden Wound to the Soul Read More »
After being victimized by a psychopath, the rage we feel is moral outrage. The experience violated our deeply held moral values and defied our expectations of how others might behave.
Moral Injury: The Hidden Wound to the Soul Read More »
At the Intersection of Truth and Lies: Self-Blame Read More »
Doubt and confusion don’t spontaneously resolve after the manipulation ends — they are ongoing, lasting until we can finally see the truth of what happened.
At the Intersection of Truth and Lies: Self-Blame Read More »
Emergency: Self-Blame Read More »
It makes no sense to say we were manipulated and lied to by a predator, and then claim that we were responsible. Both cannot be true at the same time.
Emergency: Self-Blame Read More »
Your Own Personal Apocalypse Read More »
Many things that were buried under the rubble have been revealed. You see things you didn’t see before. Your rose-colored glasses are off, smashed somewhere amidst the ruins, and your eyes are opened to a clearer version of reality.
Your Own Personal Apocalypse Read More »
A Pearl of Truth and Wisdom Read More »
Love yourself. In what ways will you show yourself that love today? In what ways will you treat yourself kindly, lovingly, gently, and respectfully?
A Pearl of Truth and Wisdom Read More »
You Had the Power All Along Read More »
You held The Grail. The psychopath pursued you, for a reason. You were the one who had the power, and it never left you.
You Had the Power All Along Read More »
The Holy Grail of the Psychopath Read More »
We have the capacity to heal and live fully again. Psychopaths are stuck in their empty void forever.
The Holy Grail of the Psychopath Read More »
After the Psychopath: Moving From Fear to Confidence Read More »
Fear is part of the aftermath of trauma. The fear expands beyond the traumatic event that caused it, and we wonder, “what else might happen?” We are between places of safety, out in the open, seemingly without protection or defense.
After the Psychopath: Moving From Fear to Confidence Read More »
From Adversity, Forge Meaning Read More »
How can we forge meaning and build identity from our biggest struggles?
From Adversity, Forge Meaning Read More »
From the Darkness, a Small Light Shines… A Holiday Wish Read More »
Even if the holidays are a sad time for you this year, I hope you will find a small light that burns within you that illuminates hope, peace, and self-compassion. May that light — and all it shines upon — grow bigger and brighter with each day of the New Year.
From the Darkness, a Small Light Shines… A Holiday Wish Read More »
The Real Reason You Were Victimized By a Psychopath Read More »
Shame is not your burden to carry. Neither is blame, from others or from yourself. What is there to feel shame for? Being a decent, loving and trusting human being?
The Real Reason You Were Victimized By a Psychopath Read More »
Resilience — You’ve Got It Read More »
From adversity comes strength. Just as the hardest steel is forged in the hottest fires, we too are forged and strengthened by our own struggles and triumphs.
Resilience — You’ve Got It Read More »
Can We Ever Trust Again? Read More »
It’s hard to trust others after what happened. And it’s hard to trust ourselves. After all, we didn’t see the truth of what was going on right before our eyes. But we have learned a lot since then.
Can We Ever Trust Again? Read More »
Freedom: The Ultimate Relationship Litmus Test Read More »
Ask yourself: Am I free from fear? Free from shame? Free from uncertainty? Free from feelings of inadequacy that I didn’t have before? Free to express my emotions? Free to share my thoughts and opinions? Am I free to be myself?
Freedom: The Ultimate Relationship Litmus Test Read More »
Shame: A Festering Wound of the Soul Read More »
What heals shame? “Empathy is the antidote to shame,” Brene’ Brown writes. “The two most powerful words when we’re in struggle: Me Too.”
Shame: A Festering Wound of the Soul Read More »
Fox in the Hen House: The Dangers of Forums Read More »
Traumatized people are at their most vulnerable when they turn to online forums in search of support. Unfortunately, I’ve heard from people who were re-victimized, and I experienced it myself. It was the last thing I needed and it set me back.
Fox in the Hen House: The Dangers of Forums Read More »
BOUNDARIES: Protect Yourself After a Pathological Relationship Read More »
It gets to the heart of the matter of boundaries for survivors of pathological relationships.
BOUNDARIES: Protect Yourself After a Pathological Relationship Read More »
Should You Forgive the Psychopath? Read More »
There are many arguments in favor of forgiveness, but are they valid? I don’t mean valid to your mother or your pastor or your best friend, but to you.
Should You Forgive the Psychopath? Read More »
Liminality, the Unsettling Space of In-Between Read More »
After our experience in a psychopathic bond, we are shaken to our core. The firm foundation we believed we stood on crumbled beneath us. We find ourselves in a liminal place — a place of ‘in-between.’
Liminality, the Unsettling Space of In-Between Read More »
Falling Into a Parallel Universe Read More »
Psychopathy is the best-kept secret. Yet it’s also a wildly popular subject that intrigues a lot of people. Psychopathic characters pop up everywhere in movies, books, and TV — yet we hear close to nothing about psychopaths in personal, one-on-one relationships.
Falling Into a Parallel Universe Read More »
Do You Make This Simple (But Dangerous) Mistake About the Psychopathic Mind? Read More »
We automatically assume that others are just like we are when it comes to the fundamental aspects of our characters, such as having a conscience. That can be a dangerous mistake.
Do You Make This Simple (But Dangerous) Mistake About the Psychopathic Mind? Read More »
Got Boundaries? Part Five: Important Points and a Wrap-Up Read More »
When dealing with covert manipulators, it won’t always be obvious that our boundaries are being tested, pushed, and violated. What better way is there, after all, to obliterate a boundary than to use subtle influence to make someone think it was their own decision?
Got Boundaries? Part Five: Important Points and a Wrap-Up Read More »
Got Boundaries? Part Four: Can Boundaries Protect You? Read More »
Can boundaries protect you from a manipulator? Only if you defend them. If you don’t, they’re useless.
Got Boundaries? Part Four: Can Boundaries Protect You? Read More »
Got Boundaries? Part Three: You Did NOT ‘Participate’ in Your Own Exploitation Read More »
The problem isn’t your beliefs or your cognitive biases or your vulnerabilities — the problem is that there are predators who are skilled manipulators.
Got Boundaries? Part Three: You Did NOT ‘Participate’ in Your Own Exploitation Read More »
Psychopaths are Not Supernatural Beings With Superpowers Read More »
It seemed at the time that I had been involved with a magician, or the devil himself. How else could he have done what he did?
Psychopaths are Not Supernatural Beings With Superpowers Read More »
Got Boundaries? Part One: What They Are and Why You Need Them Read More »
Without a sense of our true worth, we see the skewed image of ourselves reflected in the eyes of those to whom we give our power, and we mistake it for the truth.
Got Boundaries? Part One: What They Are and Why You Need Them Read More »
