“I was addicted to a high that only my abuser could give me. Because the lower an abuser puts someone, the higher they can elevate them.”
~ Amanda Domuracki, Culture Shock, The Highs and Lows of Emotional Abuse
I t seemed that magic had entered our lives. It brought with it once-in-a-lifetime soul-mate love, true romance, amazing sex… We were swept off our feet and taken to an enchanted world just for two, one that floated like a bubble high above the mundane world below.
We never expected that bubble would burst. We believed the incredible intensity we shared indicated a deep connection, one that would last for a lifetime.
Normally, romantic love is an experience that can foster bonding and intimacy. That never happened because we were with someone who was incapable of bonding and intimacy. We didn’t even realize those things were missing, because we were dazed and deluded by the extraordinary intensity of our experience and the multitude of lies we were told. Smoke and mirrors distracted us from the truth.
“I have flown and fallen, and I have swum deep and drowned, but there should be more to love than ‘I survived it.'”
~ Lisa Mantchev, So Silver Bright
Intimacy has to do with trust, understanding, and feeling understood. People who are emotionally intimate reveal vulnerabilities without fear that what they share will be turned against them. Intimacy is based on safety, patience, respect, consistency, and a mutual give-and-take. Without self-disclosure, there can be no intimacy. The more intimate you are with someone, the safer you feel and the more worthwhile the relationship.
“There is nothing more intimate in life than simply being understood.”
~ Brad Meltzer, The Inner Circle
Intensity, on the other hand, is all about drama, anxiety, uncertainty, and fear. It’s all about push-pull, cold-hot, high-low.
“I was falling. Falling through time and space and stars and sky and everything in between. I fell for days and weeks and what felt like lifetime across lifetime. I fell until I forgot I was falling.”
~ Jess Rothenberg, The Catastrophic History of You and Me
“Intensity is being completely lost in the emotion of unreasoning desire. It is marked by urgency, sexual desire, anxiety, high risk choices, and the reckless abandonment of what was once valued. All-consuming euphoria similar to recreational drug use (addictive chemical reactions in the brain) …. loss of ability to make rational evaluations of what is true, valuable and worthy. Desire to be always close to that person at any cost.
An intimate relationship is one in which neither party silences, sacrifices, or betrays the self and each party expresses strength and vulnerability, weakness and competence in a balanced way …
Intimacy means that we can be who we are in a relationship, and allow the other person to do the same. ‘Being who we are’ requires that we can talk openly about things that are important to us, that we take a clear position on where we stand on important emotional issues, and that we clarify the limits of what is acceptable and tolerable to us in a relationship.”
~ Excerpt from DANCE OF INTIMACY, by Harriet Lerner, PhD
That’s simply not possible with a psychopath. They aren’t neurologically capable of intimacy and a healthy relationship.
“The most important test of intimacy is to ask yourself the question, ‘Is this relationship a safe haven where I feel loved and accepted for being me?'”
~ Randi Kreger, Problems With Emotional Intimacy—Typical for BPs and NP
Bonding created by intense emotional highs and lows is maintained by powerful surges of euphoria-inducing dopamine during the highs. During the lows, there is intense craving for more.
Learning theorists have found that a pattern of intermittent reinforcement, which is positive reinforcement alternated with punishment (a pattern of abuse and reward), develops the strongest emotional bonds.
Intermittent good-bad treatment triggers biological changes as well as emotional ones. Going ‘cold turkey’ (having no contact with him or her) may seem impossible. It is actually the same as an addiction to drugs, alcohol or gambling — all addictions are caused by dopamine. This is why you can’t or couldn’t stop thinking about them, despite knowing how bad they were for you. This bond is basically a compulsive relationship fostering specific patterns of compulsive behavior — an addiction — not an intimate relationship.
This addictive attachment is known as a Betrayal Bond (or Trauma Bond).
Betrayal bonds are highly addictive attachments to those who have hurt you. Exploitative relationships often become betrayal bonds. A person in a betrayal bond is essentially addicted to the relationship with someone who is destructive and hurtful. Signs of a betrayal bond include the inability to detach and self-destructive denial.
“We cannot walk away, though, because without us realizing it, our abuser has become our human needle; our Drug Lord of Love. The person who owns our self-value and self-worth and who, in the name of love, can reject us into deep lows with a single glare, or send us to euphoric highs with one simple smile.”
~ Amanda Domuracki
A recent comment from a reader ~
“I need a help… my love was a psychopath… but I love him, I never want to lose him. I really know him well and I’m scared… It’s my decision to be with him forever. I know what kind of person he is and I’m not afraid anymore. I know how it feels, I feel suicidal five months for him, but I understand now and I’m used to it, so yeah… the only thing I NEVER want is to lose him. It’s fine for me. I’m strong and I will survive for him ’cause I love him. Even if he hates me I will continue love him.. well maybe cause I’m insane but its fine… it’s true that psychopaths are danger to people, but I’ll take the risk and be with him forever. Some people say that we need to leave, but I can’t… if I lose him, I feel like I wanna commit suicide… I don’t know what’s happened to me… I feel crazy for him and I think I’m starting to change inside in my mind… I don’t care for anyone anymore, I only care for him and I love him…”
I hope I was able to make a difference.
“Powerful emotional attachments develop from two specific features of abusive relationships: power imbalances and intermittent good-bad treatment.”
~ Dutton and Painter
“As the relationship goes on, the less safe you feel. That’s a red flag that there’s something really wrong.”
“Your life is loaned to you through an abuser. It is on his or her whim that you thrive, struggle, hope, and fear. In abuse, you can endure a thousand losses for a single, shimmering penny that proves you’ve won something… “
~ Amanda Domuracki
Brene Brown, sociologist and expert on social connection, conducted thousands of interviews to find the root of deep social connection. An analysis of the data revealed that it was vulnerability. Vulnerability here does not mean being weak. On the contrary — what it means is the courage to be yourself. It involves uncertainty, exposure, and risk. We may want to run from vulnerability, but it is an inevitable part of social relationships that are to become close and rewarding.
Emotional intimacy comes from being vulnerable enough to allow yourself to be fully known, and to be accepted and understood when you do. That creates the potential for true intimacy. It does come with the risk of rejection, but if you’re rejected you’ll know that you’re not a relationship you should continue.
To know that you are loved for who you are, and to know someone else in all of their vulnerability and to love them as they are, may be one of life’s most fulfilling experiences. Intensity, on the other hand, is the opposite of fulfilling. It’s draining, exhausting, crazymaking, and ultimately empty.
In future relationships we can ask ourselves, “Is this real intimacy or just intensity?”
“Five Stars. Where was this Book before!”
“Excellent! A must read for anyone that is lost in a relationship. I would like to thank the author for an eye opening experience! This book has clarified more for me than I have ever understood in my entire life time… It is straight forward the author tells you exactly what you need to hear. To the author, again thank you for opening my eyes.”
“Great book!! Incredibly informative!! This is a great book. It help me realize what was happening in my relationship. It gave me the strength to move on and leave. I am so grateful I found this book.”
“If you’re wondering . . . ‘Gee, should I read this book?’ The answer is YES. It should be required for every human adult’s relationship toolkit.”
“The BEST Manual on how to protect yourself from becoming a victim again…
…I am going to recommend it to the facilitators in the divorce support group I am attending.”
“My eyes have seen the light. How I wish I would have read this book years ago.”
“”Worth your time! Well written, clear, and concise. So thankful I came across this quick, but powerful read. I so appreciate the wisdom I found in this writing. I feel empowered once more! Easily rated at 5 stars.”