Stages of the Psychopathic Bond

Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterShare on Google+Pin on PinterestShare on RedditShare on LinkedInShare on TumblrShare on StumbleUponFlattr the authorBuffer this pageDigg thisEmail this to someone

stages of the psychopathic bond with the big bad wolf

 Stages of the Psychopathic Bond — Idealize, Devalue, Discard

The predictable yet completely unexpected and devastating pattern of a relationship with a psychopath is broken down into three stages: Idealize, Devalue and Discard.

This relationship starts out like heaven on earth…but ends in a place worse than hell.

When you’re targeted by a psychopath and deemed a suitable victim for his game of power, control, self-gratification and entertainment, stage one — the idealization stage – begins. You think you’re entering an exciting, romantic relationship and that you’ve met the love of your life…but what you’re actually entering a sick game that you’re guaranteed to lose. The object of the game: He will gain power and control, attempt to destroy you emotionally and spiritually, take what he wants, and leave you an emotional wreck wondering what the hell happened.

The psychopath lures you with charm, attention, and other covert emotional manipulation tactics. He will say anything to get what he wants because he’s a pathological liar, and what he wants at this point is to win your love and trust. His loving persona is based completely upon lies. Even so, you’ll believe that you’re “soul mates” because he’s able to present himself as your perfect mate.

This stage is often called “Love Bombing.” The manipulator will saturate the target in as many ways possible with love and adoration, so they don’t have a moment to come up for air. They’ll spend as much time as possible with the target, and in frequent contact with them through email, text messages and phone calls. There will be many verbal declarations of appreciation and of their feelings about you and all your wonderful qualities, and amazement at all the things you have in common or at how lucky you both are to have found each other. You’ll believe it’s the best thing that ever happened to you, that it’s magical and that you’ve found your soul mate, so you won’t even suspect you’re being played. The manipulator may tell you he believes you’re “soul mates” or say “isn’t this magic?” or tell you that you must have known each other in a past life.

The psychopath is not able to bond with another human, but he is good at getting another to bond to him. The whole idealization stage is a sham the psychopath creates intentionally in order to make you vulnerable to the manipulation and abuse that will follow.

He never idealized you as a person; he only idealized you as an object of his desire, one to use and destroy. He was never interested in you; he was only interested in gaining control over you, manipulating you, intentionally harming you and getting what he could from you. As such, his interest was shallow and short-lived, and he moves on to new sources of diversion and pleasure. It’s too bad that by the time this happens, you’ve already pinned your identity, your expectations and your hopes and dreams onto him.

The perfect “honeymoon” stage lasts until the psychopath becomes bored with you (and he’ll get bored quickly once he knows you’re hooked) and is moving on to new targets. At this point, he has no incentive to hide his true nature any longer, so stage two — the devaluation stage — begins. You believed you were once the center of his life, but you sense he’s pulling away. You might not notice it right away if the psychopath is skilled at what’s known as “dosing,” which is giving you just enough attention or validation to keep you on his hook. He begins to change the game to one of giving you just enough positive reinforcement to keep from losing you, while pushing your boundaries further, gradually and steadily devaluing you and taking you lower. You’ll find yourself tolerating continually worsening treatment, which diminishes your self-respect.

“The more infrequently the crumbs of love are offered, the more hooked you are. You become conditioned, like a rat in a cage.”

As you become less exciting to him, he devalues you even more. You stay because he’s manipulated you into thinking less of yourself and to accept more of his poor treatment, and you stay because you’re still holding onto the memory of your love from the idealization stage. Fearful of losing that completely, you go into denial and tolerate his increasingly worse behavior. You’ll experience cognitive dissonance as the truth about him comes into your conscious mind, but is battled by your denial; your thoughts ping-pong back and forth relentlessly as you try to figure out what’s really going on.

During the devaluation stage, he will continue to use his arsenal of covert emotional manipulation tactics to keep you under his control to keep you doubting yourself, to keep you putting up with his bad behavior and to keep you believing his lies. Learn about these tactics so you have a better chance of recognizing them. No one is immune, especially when strong emotions are involved.

Because your self-esteem has been so drastically lowered, you blame yourself for not being enough for him or for having another woman in his life. He doesn’t take responsibility for his own behavior, and blames everything — including the demise of the relationship — on you. And in your state of mind, you believe it.

“From beginning to end, all this phony relationship can offer you is a toxic combination of fake love and real abuse. He constructs the psychopathic bond through deception and manipulation. You maintain it through self-sacrifice and denial.~Claudia Moscovici, PsychopathyAwareness

Now comes stage three, when s/he discards you. He’s gotten everything he wanted from you — including your self-respect, your happiness, your dignity. You may have also lost friends, family, finances and your time and energy as the relationship took over your life.

“The psychopath discards his ex-lovers with a degree of vitriol and hatred that astonishes his victims and exceeds any boundaries of normality.” ~ Psychopathy Awareness

You may be the one who finally puts an end to it and walks away. Either way, you come to the realization the entire relationship was a fraud from day one, and that the purpose of this relationship was nothing more than to use you, control you and harm you.

The stages of the psychopathic bond are what describes emotional rape, which is devastating to victims, and who may find little understanding or support from those who are close to them. But don’t give up. You can become your own strongest source of support.

Did you find this post valuable? If so, please support my efforts and help me to defray the costs of maintaining this website by purchasing a book. Many thanks.

 

book cover, psychopaths and love

 

400_yellow_boundaries_cover_3 copy

 

 

© 2012 – 2014 ‘Psychopaths and Love’ All Rights Reserved

Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterShare on Google+Pin on PinterestShare on RedditShare on LinkedInShare on TumblrShare on StumbleUponFlattr the authorBuffer this pageDigg thisEmail this to someone

58 thoughts on “Stages of the Psychopathic Bond

  1. It’s almost impossible to ‘win’ when you’ve been the subject of a psychopathic relationship, but in the short term, you must find a way to block all means of communication, just prior to that though, make him think that he’s won.

    Relish the fact that he thinks he has won the game, although it’s something that he actually is about to lose, and for the first time understand the pleasure his type gains from subterfuge.

    With no means of communication and believing that there is nothing more to gain, from a position of peace, you can start to recover.

    To start your recovery, think of a pet, like a goldfish, and how much it loves you as you feed it and fuss over it, then realise, “it’s a fish, it’s got the brain of a fish, it doesn’t have the capacity to think like me.” When you can start to think of your very own psychopath in these terms, you actually have a chance to win the game, and that is all it ever was.

    • “…it’s a fish, it’s got the brain of a fish, it doesn’t have the capacity to think like me.” When you can start to think of your very own psychopath in these terms, you actually have a chance to win the game, and that is all it ever was.”

      I think the goldfish analogy is a bit generous, don’t you? How about a piranha, or better yet, a cactus?

  2. This is the first time I’ve ever heard of all this but now it makes sense. I’m gay and my partner of three years is a psychopath or a sociopath, can’t tell, but everything here is exactly what I’ve experienced over the past three years. I’ve had to support us while he hid a secret heroin habit and pretended to look for work. I suspect he had men over while I was working. The violence has been so extreme and includes trying to burn me and the house with gas and a lighter. He’s choked me and left purple bruises. It’s been too bad to explain but it’s intermittent. Goes from loving to anger & hatred. It makes you feel crazy too. It’s just been bad but I finally got away for good. He’s now homeless, penniless and addicted to drugs with no resources. He’s now sponging off his mother at age 33. I’m 32 and have my own home and a full time job. He did NOT win. I got away having spent THOUSANDS on him over three years. It’s just been bad…

    • Zach – You did well and are obviously very strong! I can empathise with what you have said but you kept your home. He deserves to be homeless and so typical sponging off his Mum. So many people lose their homes, dignity and self worth to these people.

    • I have experienced this very thing over the past 3.5 years, i have finally been discarded for good as it has been 3 months since he coldly hung up on me as i heard a ” friend ” of his in the background egging him on. I can say now that i can finally SEE i am no longer blind, and that in itself is freeing . I am However, a shadow of my former self. I feel empty, and lost sometimes. I just want to get back to where i was prior to this twisted nightmare. I have faith I will, but i do feel discouraged at times. People don’t understand . They think it was just a ” bad” or ” unhealthy” relationship. I wouldn’t wish my experience on anyone, in fact i feel sad that others have been through this as well

      • I’m sorry this happened to you. It’s over now because he discarded you, which is the very best thing that could have happened. If he hadn’t been the one to end it, you may have been victimized for many more years. Now you can begin the healing process. And the best thing you’ve got on your side is that you know what really happened. It’s normal to feel discouraged at times (that’s probably putting it mildly, I think) and to have a lot of ups and downs. Just keep that faith. Also, keep reading and keep a journal — it helped me. A therapist who is familiar with the aftermath of emotionally abusive relationships and the toll they take on self-esteem might be able to help. It’s important to have someone to talk to when the people in your life don’t understand.

        Good Luck to you.

  3. I, too was with a non human being like this , for 2 long years. I caught him Cheating with a neighbor, who lived 2 doors down, I was going through fertility treatments and was pregnant, but lost the baby. Who does that to someone they like even a little bit. At this point, I threw him out of the house, this was last year, went through the loss of a baby alone and listened to him profess his undieing love for me, threaten to kill himself, and even got a job where I worked to continue the mental abuse.all while sleeping around with 3 other women, probably telling them how cruel and crazy I am. I did feel like I was the crazy one, sometimes I was so upset I could not breathe, like he would not be happy til I was sobbing uncontrollably. Big red flag (thinking back three were many!) I missed was , he has children all over and sees none of them, of course, its the mother’s fault, not his. He had me convinced the all of his bad luck was everyone else’s actions. Meanwhile, hes ostracized from his family and friends but dummy me took pity and quickly began to pay for everything for him and continued to support him til he was out of my house I thought I’ll be better then all those women, I’ll love him best., hell be so happy he’ll never leave or cheat. I was wrong, this website and the many books I’ve read all describe him. Now I’m trying to get on with my life but its so hard to move on. Why do people like that get to keep doing this over and over, in his case, I’m the sixth one. Does karma exist? I try so hard not to think of him and am thankful that I was strong enough to cut off contact but still think of him or the person he portrayed himself to be. I just dont know how to forget, how do I move on, will I ever be in love again? Am I as worthless as he often told me I was. It feels good to get this out.

    • I’m so sorry this happened to you!

      Yes, people like this do it over and over, because they can’t do anything else. That’s what they’re wired for. But you were able to cut off contact and save yourself, and that’s definitely something to give yourself credit for. In that act, you were incredibly strong and you put yourself first, as you should. Good for you! Now you can move on with your life.

      You said, “I still think of him or the person he portrayed himself to be. I just don’t know how to forget, how do I move on…” Realize that your feelings are universal in those victimized by this kind of person, in the sense that you’re dealing with two very distinct issues: One is the loss of the person he portrayed himself to be (the loss of someone you loved and who you believed loved you), and the other is the betrayal by what/who he really was. These truly are two separate and distinct issues, because of his extreme duplicity. Each one will take different measures and a different amount of time to resolve.

      Of course you are not worthless. You are worthy, as you always were and always will be.

    • I, too was with a non human being like this , for 2 long years. I caught him Cheating with a neighbor, who lived 2 doors down, I was going through fertility treatments and was pregnant, but lost the baby. Who does that to someone they like even a little bit. At this point, I threw him out of the house, this was last year, went through the loss of a baby alone and listened to him profess his undieing love for me, threaten to kill himself, and even got a job where I worked to continue the mental abuse.all while sleeping around with 3 other women, probably telling them how cruel and crazy I am. I did feel like I was the crazy one, sometimes I was so upset I could not breathe, like he would not be happy til I was sobbing uncontrollably. Big red flag (thinking back three were many!) I missed was , he has children all over and sees none of them, of course, its the mother’s fault, not his. He had me convinced the all of his bad luck was everyone else’s actions. Meanwhile, hes ostracized from his family and friends but dummy me took pity and quickly began to pay for everything for him and continued to support him til he was out of my house I thought I’ll be better then all those women, I’ll love him best., hell be so happy he’ll never leave or cheat. I was wrong, this website and the many books I’ve read all describe him. Now I’m trying to get on with my life but its so hard to move on. Why do people like that get to keep doing this over and over, in his case, I’m the sixth one. Does karma exist? I try so hard not to think of him and am thankful that I was strong enough to cut off contact but still think of him or the person he portrayed himself to be. I just dont know how to forget, how do I move on, will I ever be in love again? Am I as worthless as he often told me I was. It feels good to get this out.

  4. I also am trying to get out…I have a plan to get out !I have a stepson living through this, and am very scared to leave him on his own with his Dad :( But I have to save me, my health is a stake, as well as my LIFE ! I am in such a low place, but my family and friends are there. I pray that I can get healthy again and eventually live a happy life…
    I realized a couple years ago that he was very sick, non caring and has no empathy for others, you think if you love him enough, or make his World all smooth that it could help. It never does, it never will. His son actual brought a web site to my attention last year, about psychopath liars. He told me this is just like his Dad :( And it was, even though I tried to deny it, I knew deep down inside and knew there was no help for him ! It is always everyone else fault, and ALWAYS will be ! I am truly surprised I could have ever been fooled, I was always such a strong, loving, giving person. They can fool ANYONE. I’ve read a lot of sites, and they have helped me get strength and believe these people are really out there. the best advice I can give, and have gotten is ” GET OUT ” !

    • Glad to hear you are getting out, and that you have supportive family and friends! Keep moving forward and save your own health and life. No one’s needs are more important than our own. Those of us who were taught that and believed it were sold a bill of goods, one that cost us much.

      “I am truly surprised I could have ever been fooled, I was always such a strong, loving, giving person. They can fool ANYONE.” Yes, we are all very surprised; and yes, they can fool anyone.

      I don’t know the details, but I’m very sorry to hear your stepson must stay with his psychopathic father. I wish both of you all the best.

  5. The more I read, the more I fear for what’s to happen. I’m at the stage where he finally decided to leave me and move on to the next victim. I suspect that I am victim #6. He likes to keep his foot in the door with everyone of us by sprinkling the person we all fell in love w in every so often. In my case, he finally left me bc an ex girlfriend who he could never fully win reached out to him after 2 years. She’s very self absorbed and selfish and it always seemed to me she pushed his buttons. He cheated on her and was in the process of grooming me, when she found out about his lies, she said goodbye and closed the door on him completely. He moved from PA to Ohio to supposedly marry me and live happily ever after but neglected me the entire time and emotionally abused me. As I read this information, I saw my life all right there in black and white. When she demonstrated weakness to him after 2 years following telling him to never speak to her again, he left me right away, moved out and had been spending every pay check he can to travel back to PA to woo her and win. I basically took care of him when he was jobless, got him a good job and he merely used me to take care of him, taxi, cook, clean and I cried myself to sleep every night, gained 40 lbs and was then abused for my weight to add to the long list. I feel blessed that this selfish woman (I know her) reached out to him bc had she not, there wouldn’t have been a reason for him yet to finally move on. I was in the stages of wanting to take my life. He did all the steps of the covert emotional Manipulaton and even my kids were siding w him. I now see that by him getting me to react unrashional that it was his way to use my behavior to validate his accusations that it was all me and I was fat, crazy etc… He even mocked me with the Jodi Arias trial and said that was me. He pretends to b a victim to his brother who’s a dr in PA and I even saw where he was researching borderline personality disorder so I would see it. He has cut all ties w me now that the ex girlfriend who he didn’t win is in the picture but to b honest, the part that loves him fears that like he did w all the others, will find a need to use me again in the future. All of them women including myself have over 15 years in. My pain tho was only after all the stages in this past 4 years. I hope to b strong enough if and when that happens to keep the door closed.

    • Sorry you were caught in the spam trap.

      The games this person played with you are prototypical, and your reactions to them are exactly as any normal person would react. Please read the book “Who’s Pulling Your Strings? How to Break the Cycle of Manipulation and Regain Control of Your Life”
      Best book ever on the topic.

      I understand when you describe what a creep this guy is and yet still fear he will come back and you won’t be strong enough to keep him out of your life. The reason is this: you were in a “relationship” with two different people, and you still love one of them. But the problem is that one doesn’t exist, and he never did.

      I feared for a while afterward that I would see him somewhere and of course he would look exactly like the man who loved me so much…and it would be like seeing a ghost. I made a PLAN for what I would do and/or say in that situation, and for a variety of scenarios. Maybe you should do the same. Another good move is to block him from calling, texting or sending an email, as hard as that may be. Put yourself first. When you do that, you will have nothing to fear anymore.

      “What the psychopath does is they weave a picture of a person that’s really a dream. It’s a spirit. It’s not real. And you feel like you’ve discovered a soul mate. A deep intimacy. And you’re experiencing one of those rare moments that makes life worth living. And before you know it, you’re involved in a deep personal bond…with a psychopath. Once you’re in that bond — and we call it the psychopathic bond — you don’t want to break it.” P. Babiak, PhD. http://psychopathsandlove.com/i-amd-fishead/

  6. I cannot even begin to tell you how thankful I am to have stumbled across this website. You have put an enormous amount of time and effort into helping others see the truth. I had no idea I was being manipulated. The only thing I knew was that my life revolved around his, my emotions around his, and I felt like I was living on autopilot. He has ruined me emotionally. I have gone from a very confident woman to one that’s uneasy and questions whether I can love again. I’m still hooked on him. He has nothing to offer me…never has. He showered me with adoration and his time and I fell for it. I’m trying desperately to pull away, yet he reels me back in. I’m currently going through the stage where he only gives me enough to keep me begging for more. I’ve lost friends and self respect…he is financially destructive to me as well. I KNOW what I need to do, I just don’t know how. I’m tangled up in a web and I am very carefully trying to remove the residue so I can free myself and live again. Whenever I start detaching and pulling away, I get sucked back in all the while falling deeper.

    Your site will show me the tools to free myself from this once and for all. I cannot thank you enough.

    • Of course I don’t know all the details, but from what you’ve told me your situation sounds prototypical. I understand what you’re going through right now; you know you are being manipulated and you know that you’ve lost confidence and self-respect and you know that you need to end it, yet for some reason you can’t. I was lucky — he ended it. Maybe yours will do the same, but maybe not, so you have to take back control of your life. I was just as hooked despite what it was costing me, and that’s the classic definition of an addiction. Keep searching for the way out, because you are the only one who can save yourself. You are worth it, and you know that or you wouldn’t be doing it.

      I’m glad my website is helping you. Please also check out the resources in the sidebar; I learned a lot from those.

  7. all this makes alot of sense abd surely i have been dating a psycho online..i met his so called sister physically but i think she is the same person i talk to on phone and online…pretending to be him.. this seems crazy but i met the girl and believed that the guy exists..he promised heaven in earth and showers me with money through her.
    we have been chatng day n night that am so addicted to him n his words…but i have not met him still.
    i think am dealing with a female psycho with about six personalities and am trying to get off the one i fell in love with… its hard but no one seems to understand…i need help.

    • Your story adds another layer to it all, with this questionable “sister” as the go-between…

      I do understand that you’re addicted to his words and what he offers, and that you want him to be real; I get that. And I’m sorry if it turns out that he’s not real and he was this “sister” instead.

      I wish I could give you some advice. All I can say is doubt is your friend, but don’t ever doubt yourself (even if you don’t want to believe what it’s telling you).

      Best wishes to you.

  8. In many ways I am ‘acting’ like a psychopath. I am on to their ‘game’. So I play it back for now because I understand the strategy they use. It almost makes me laugh. I am stuck right now, so this is the best way for me to handle the situation. I am being very careful. You would think I was wonderful – I’m cheerful, pulling my own distance, don’t let anything bother me…all those same things he does and it is driving mine crazy!! I can almost see him scratching his head. Works for me right now. I’ll never allow another person to do this to me again. Information is so wonderful. Thank you.

  9. loved the article. I can relate to it completely, especially the devaluing stage.

    the picture you have put on the article is really funny and ironically realistic! made me laugh!

    thanks for the article!

  10. I was just recently discarded by a married man that I used to work with. He made me feel like he loved me deeply. He wanted to take care of me. He always empathized with me. He loved my intellect, humor, creativity and always told me how beautiful I am and how much he loved my face. It was the first time I ever felt truly loved. He also would do things for me all the time. He told me he’d never leave me, that he loved me in bold letters while we were messaging online. Every time I tried to end the affair due to the pain of him being married, he knew exactly what to do to keep me pulling mr back in. I don’t think his wife knew about the affair. I believe she had suspicions. He lead me to believe his marriage lacked intimacy and sex. His wife ended up leaving him about 3 mos. ago. He did a complete 180 on me and became extremely intolerant of everything and the way he made me feel. He said I was selfish because I let his pain affect me. And I should understand what he was going through. I was never demanding or expecting a committed relationship right away. I wanted to support him and comfort him as I always did. I’m human. I didn’t think his wife leaving him would make him such a cold and careless person, especially towards me.

    It ended badly. I became a train wreck because he told me I needed to get emotionally healthy. He made me feel like I was crazy. He stopped spending time with me, but we had sex occasionally. It was nothing like it was before his wife left him. One night I had a weird feeling. I wanted to spend some time with him and he stopped texting me when I brought it up. I ended up driving by his house and he and another woman was standing outside with him. He saw my car and called me. He told me he had never been more angry at me then he was now. I knew he had a lot of female friends. He would always tell me when he had plans with them. That night he didn’t. He had mentioned the woman before, however, he failed to mention she was going through a divorce as well. He swore they weren’t romantically involved. So, they were bonding and consoling each other. He said he would talk to me tomorrow about it, but I ended up full of rage and said some terrible things to him. It was festering for some time. I knew something wasn’t right. He called me and told me what a self centered spoiled bitch I was and that I always did this when I didn’t get my way. He ended up telling me to remove his number from my phone. I gave him the perfect excuse to discard me and place the blame on me. It’s been the most painful experience of my life. He was my best friend for a year. I made him feel really good and wanted more than anyone.

    I hate myself for missing him. I thought he was so different from most men. Little did I know he was much worse. Now I’m grieving badly and I so want to get rid of this heartache and heal. I don’t know if I’ll ever completely recover.

    • Hi Joanna. You just told my story, almost to the letter! (Except mine never left his wife; the marriage provided the perfect illusion he needed in his particular situation to carry on victimizing women).

      It was the first time I ever felt truly loved. Isn’t it amazing they can create this feeling when it is so far from the truth?

      He lead me to believe his marriage lacked intimacy and sex. Mine described his marriage as no more than a “roommate” situation.

      He made me feel like I was crazy.

      I ended up full of rage and said some terrible things to him. It was festering for some time. This is something that people who are manipulated tend to do; it stems from not being able to express our feelings. When we try, we’re punished in one way or another so we keep everything bottled up — but it can only stay that way for so long. You can read more about this in the book “Who’s Pulling Your Strings?”

      I gave him the perfect excuse to discard me and place the blame on me. Just as he planned.

      I hate myself for missing him. Now I’m grieving badly and I so want to get rid of this heartache and heal. You’re only missing the man you described in the first paragraph, who unfortunately does not exist. This is very hard to come to grips with. Please read the blog post on grieving I will publish later today.

      I don’t know if I’ll ever completely recover. I didn’t know if I would completely recover either, but now — just about one year later — I believe I will. It takes time, unfortunately, but you will get there. The experts say it takes on average 18 to 24 months, and if you look at what you’ve been through it’s no surprise.

      Of course this is the pattern of the psychopathic bond, and the way you’re feeling now is part of it. The details may change from one case to the next, but it’s fundamentally the same, every time.

  11. That is uncanny. He also stated that he felt as though he and his wife were roommates. They were together 8 yrs. and married less than two years. He gave his wife an ultimatum last year around this time expecting her to change. I, however, was getting one side of the story.

    We were platonic friends for four years. I was in love with him from the beginning. He never even hinted at the fact he was even attracted to me. It was one sided. But, we spent a lot of time together.

    Things changed last year because he started acting out of character. We became intensely intimate and close. He said that was a catalyst for realizing his marriage lacked intimacy and passion. However. He wanted to give her the chance to change while the whole time he was carrying on an emotional and physical affair with me. Things seemed to just keep getting worse in his marriage. He always said he loved his wife. But, he was miserable. He thought the both of them would sit down and reevaluate their relationship in a few months. In July, she decided she was done and up and left him with no warning. Afterwards, he was cold and full off intolerance and rage. I didn’t even know who he was anymore. I tried to be patient and understanding. I do believe his ego was bruised much more than his heart. He, I believe, had no intention of leaving her. I was there to be the fantasy girl and fill his void. And when his wife left, what purpose did I have for him? He moved on quickly with another woman also going through a divorce. He claims they are platonic friends, but I don’t believe him. They were spending a lot of time together and I was no longer important to him as he always used to say. He stopped texting and spending time with me. He stopped saying things like that as soon as his wife left him. And as I said, things ended horribly. I said horrible things to him. He retaliated, and then I became insane begging him to come over and comfort me. I felt like a drug addict going through withdrawals. She was there that night and spent the night. I took every gift he bought me and laid it on his steps to his door. It was 4 am and her car was still there. He claims she stayed there because he was upset about our fight and that they weren’t intimate. I don’t believe it. I think they started being intimate long before that. He just didn’t want to reveal his true character to me. It happened a month ago. I’ve been up and down, but, mostly manic with anxiety. (I’m diagnosed with bi-polar). I contacted him a couple of times. I was ignorantly seeking closure. That didn’t turn out too well. He wants nothing to do with me. I have been discarded and replaced. We used to work together, but, in the midst of all this he found a new job, which turned out to be a blessing. However, everything there reminds me of him. I have crying spells and my heart aches more than ever. I keep bargaining and try to convince myself that he really loved me. But reality is the ugly truth. He wasn’t who I thought he was, and he never loved me so deeply as he said he did. I told him he was a brilliant sociopath. That didn’t settle well with him. I hope it was enough to deter him from ever trying to enter my life again. I know I have a long and difficult path ahead of me. I just have to keep looking ahead instead of analyzing a mirage in the midst of my insanity.

    • They will say whatever it takes to get what they want.

      “However, everything there reminds me of him. I have crying spells and my heart aches more than ever.” I couldn’t listen to music — any music — until just a few weeks ago. Every song reminded me of him. And it wasn’t just music; it was (and still is, sometimes) many, many other things. But it gets easier with every passing week. Some of this just takes time.

      “I said horrible things to him. He retaliated, and then I became insane begging him to come over and comfort me.” I know it all too well. And they won’t come and comfort us. It’s inhuman. At this point, I know I’ll never beg anyone to love me ever gain. But in the midst of it that’s what I did, and now I feel compassion for myself.

      “I took every gift he bought me and laid it on his steps to his door.”

      “I was ignorantly seeking closure. That didn’t turn out too well. He wants nothing to do with me.”
      Closure is one more thing they will never give us. In time, you will realize him wanting nothing to do with you is the best thing he ever did.

      “I have been discarded and replaced.” Me too, and that is incredibly painful. But please remember you have been discarded and replaced by a person who couldn’t respect you and didn’t deserve what you had to give. I know that doesn’t mean much right now, but eventually you will get it.

      “I told him he was a brilliant sociopath. That didn’t settle well with him.” They are brilliant, in a very twisted way. But the last thing they ever want is to be outed.

      “I just have to keep looking ahead instead of analyzing a mirage in the midst of my insanity.” A mirage in the midst of insanity is a perfect way to describe it. But you’ll still try to analyze it anyway. In those moments, remind yourself to look ahead and don’t get discouraged.

  12. I met a psychopath six months after losing my 22 year old daughter in a car accident. He swept me off my feet, and was exactly as described here. My youngest daughter & I moved to his town & a year after we met I married him. There were already big red flags, but I was so blind. I remember that feeling of confusion & became real angry with myself for moving my eighth grader to a new school & into a horrible situation after our loss. I had been divorced 4 years from my x, and just graduated from college before I met him. We were then married one year & after me running away several times he filed for divorce. My daugher & I stayed with a friend for six months until we got into public housing, where we lived until she graduated high school & then went to college. He would continué to pursue me, starting the cycle over again, until I finally broke away & moved back to my town. My younger daughter witnessed this, besides both of us grieving. But we always talked about it & although she saw me down & out at times, she witnessed me never giving up. I could not keep a job, but I did take care of her, so we lived on a shoestring. My family never understood & all lived away, although they would make it possible for us to attend gatherings etc. My daughter now is doing well. She did get into a relationship similar, and successfully ended it while in college. And she always called for my advice.
    Im single, working, successful & happy. If I meet a significant other fine…if not, that is fine too. It’s in God’s hands. But I do quickly see the red flags today.

    • I am sorry about your loss. I can’t imagine it. And I’m sorry you were victimized when in such a vulnerable state. But I am so glad to hear you broke away from him and are back on your feet, and that your daughter is, too!

  13. I was with my ex for 2.5 years and was discarded 2 months ago when I found out that he was on dating websites and trying to meet up with other women. Like your website said it started out like the perfect romance and he completley swept me off my feet but within 3 months he changed and it’s like the mask came off and the devil came out. I can’t believe how much heartache and crap i’ve put up with and we’ve split up so many times but now it’s over for good and he has a new girlfriend that he is parading around where we used to go. It hurts so much cos i thought i was getting over it and deep down i thought he might try and come back to me but he hasn’t and it hurts somuch and i feel like i’m never ever going to get over it, i guess if he had tried to come back and turned on the charm i would’ve taken him back and the nightmare would’ve continued so i guess it’s for the best i’m out of it but i can’t believe he’s moved on so quickly, it’s like i never existed or meant anything to him. I so want to contact to him and speak to him but i think he would relish the thought of me being in pain. Please give me some advice i’m huring so much, i can’t eat or sleep:(

    • I’m sorry you are hurting so much. I know you want validation from him that he really did care or to hear him say he’s sorry, but from what you’ve said I don’t think you will ever get what you’re looking for. So please don’t contact him! It will only result in more heartache. You’ve been conditioned to put up with all that “heartache and crap,” but you deserve so much more. You’re at the stage where you know the truth about how harmful he is to you, yet you still can’t break away emotionally. Don’t give in to this intense desire to contact him. Write in a journal instead and get your feelings out that way. It really helped me. Keep reading and learning. And know that it takes time, there’s just no way around that.
      Stay away from the places you used to go with him. Find new places to go, don’t torture yourself.

      Be very kind and compassionate to yourself right now — you need gentleness after being emotionally brutalized. Best wishes.

  14. Sorry to be a pain but i have another question. Do you think that he will eventually treat the new girlfriend badly or maybe she won’t put up with his behaviour and put him in his place and they will be happy? It’s funny cos the first time he was really nasty to me was after only 6 weeks of dating and he screamed and shouted at me and made me cry and I was so shocked and bewildered that my so called ‘Prince’ could be like this and i wanted to believe it was a one off so i let it go and hours later he said ‘ I thought you were going to dump me’. I think that was my first test!

    • “Do you think that he will eventually treat the new girlfriend badly?” Yes, without a doubt.

      “…or maybe she won’t put up with his behaviour and put him in his place and they will be happy?” She will never change his behavior, no matter what she does. He didn’t act that way with you because you did something wrong; he acted that way because there’s something wrong with him. If she won’t put up with his behavior, the only thing she can do is leave.

      When they bring another woman into the picture it makes a terrible situation a thousand times worse, and it’s easy to get carried away wondering if she has what it takes to win him, or if he will fall for her in a way he didn’t with you, and other torturous things like that. She is the next victim of this abusive creep, and nothing more than that. But I know seeing him with her is agonizingly painful. That’s why I say please stop going to the places he goes, even if it doesn’t seem fair to have to give up things you like; think of it as a temporary measure to regain your sanity. It will take time and distance to break free emotionally.

      You’re not a pain, BTW. My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best of luck.

  15. I too was once married to a man who fit these descriptions of a psychopath. Lies and nothing but lies. He was also addicted to alcohol, cigarettes, pot, gambling, and sex. I used to hope he’d change, but that would not happen. I got out after two years, bought my own house, and did not look back. Made a nice profit on the house. My new motto is: Rehab houses, not men.

  16. After more than three tortuous years of back and forth with a man I thought was my perfect match I finally getting it. I knew him for years through business and then shortly after my divorce was final we hooked up. At the time he was recently disengaged from a woman who he described as very crazy. I can so clearly now hear all the things he said about her and realize that it was him that made her that way. We had a long distance relationship for 9 Moa during which the idealization and devaluation cycled back and forth. Then close to birthday trip we were to take together he discarded me for a woman 17 years younger than him who unbeknownst to me became the one who would be part of triangulation for two years. We got back together a little over a year later when I moved out of the country only to have that fall apart four months in when I discovered pictures of him and her on FB and ended things. I couldn’t get over him and 8 months later we started up again. This last time his idealization of me was stronger than ever. In the midst of this I lost my job, returned to the states with my three children and am now homeless, jobless and because of him only a crumb of the confident, successful woman I was when this all started. He started devaluing me again about 6 weeks ago and would continually feed me the lines that he hasn’t gone anywhere, loves me, wants the best for me, blah blah blah. I felt the pulling away or pushing me away and then last week discovered on FB yes you guessed it a recent picture of him and her together and he kissing her cheek. Once again I was devastated! I confronted him and he told me to give him a f’ing break that he had taken her out for her bday and that he thought I was done with being jealous . I told him I wasn’t I’m the least bit jealous of her and that she could have him and all he is. And that’s where it is today – he hasn’t contacted me since. I’m dealing heavily with the cognitive dissonance. Some days I’m ok and see that moving on from him is the best thing for me and some days I don’t want to get out of bed and feel worthless. I find it so incomprehensible that someone can be so cold and callous and have no idea the pain and hurt they have and continue to cause! I’m glad I found this thread and site and hope to break free now!!!

    • I’m sorry to hear you’re going through all of this. You are most definitely NOT worthless — but feeling that way is a normal reaction to having been involved with someone incomprehensibly cold and callous (which none of us could have ever predicted would happen). Please stay away from this person who has put you through hell and left you feeling so bad. Part of not contacting him means to stop looking at his Facebook page.

      You will once again be the successful and confident woman you used to be, never doubt that!

  17. Hi, i would like to tell you my story ( excuse my Englisch, it is not that perfect).
    It was 4 years ago, I was just ending a long relationship and was devastated and so alone and then I met him ( the love of my Life). He was so perfect, he was repeating all the time that he loves me and I am the other half of his broken heart. Crying and telling me I was so beautiful, and ofcourse I believed him. After a week, he started acting strange, asking me why I love him and one day I will hate him…I couldn’t understand what he was trying to say with that. He has a son, but never married (best friends). I moved to his Flat, after a while he said that his son and the mother are coming to visit him ( they live in another country) and I had to find a place to stay over for 2 weeks, my heart was broken, he just let me go…when they left he begged me to come back and promised he will never do that again ( till the summer)…and so on…dont want to get to many details..He started his Game, I was so in Love that I would give anything, he stopped working and I paid for everything,after that he made a Company with my money and all I had was gone…I cryied everyday because he didnt love me the way he used to, he was cold and didnt care about me, telling me that nobody wants me even my Mother doesnt and I believed that. He was so manipulative that I tought I was worthless and must stay with him because he only wants me. I I moved out far away from him, to another Country, but he didnt stop, coming and leaving and swearing and lying, he wants a Family with me and I am the only one, I believed him again…After a while got pregnant and all he said was : This is what you wanted and didnt even call me again until I made the abortion, and started telling me that it was my fault and because of me we now dont have a Family…(BTW, between my story he had a relationship with other women and his ex- she is still falling into his lies after 12 years), he was leaving and coming back, all the same with all those women, took their money, their soul and their love away,like a Vampire…He loves them all and want to have a Family with them until he gets bored and moves to the other one ( the ex got devorced,because of him). I was even planning to kill myself, my mother was about to go crazy because of him and what he did to me.
    I am so scared, I think I may have had a relationship with, and loved the Devil…We have to stop people of doing this and hurting others

    • I am so sorry you went through this truly horrible ordeal! You had a relationship with someone LIKE the devil (I feel the same way about mine) but he is NOT the devil — to say that gives him way too much power, and causes you more harm. Thank you for telling your story. Please come back and let us know how you’re doing, OK? I’ll be waiting to hear from you.

  18. I had a friend like this senior year of college. At first the friendship started out great. We go to know each other. We hung out, had movie nights, and talked music. It was really great.

    But then something strange started happening. She started treating me like I was stupid, and humiliating me in front of fellow students. She thought I couldn’t handle walking on my own after I pulled an all-nighter. (Something I had done many times before.) She didn’t think I could do simple tasks on my own, asking if I could put a DVD in my computer. It hurt. Sometimes she was the nicest, coolest person ever to hang out with, but other times she was rolling her eyes and treating me like I was beneath her. It hurt and confused me so much.

    I took some space away from her over the summer after I graduated. She wouldn’t leave me alone. She incessantly texted me. Once, when one of my friends was moving out, I asked her to give me space for a week. She ended up sending me a ton of texts the day he was leaving and I got angry. She acted like a victim and that I had done something deeply disturbingly wrong in our friendship when I know I had every right to be angry.

    We had a long talk after that and it looked like it was going to get better. But there were some things that stuck out in that talk now that I realize showed it wasn’t. When I told her about treating me like I was stupid, she put the blame on me and said that I should have said something. (I did.) She blamed her loneliness over the summer on me and said I was the only one who could sure it, when I had a lot going on and she had a ton of friends to talk to. She never really took any responsibility for her actions. But said she wanted a more honest friendship.

    I believed her. The friendship was going normal again for about a month. I was still getting incessant texts from her, but I was picking and choosing when to answer. Then, something totally unexpected happened. She asked me to come to school for a weekend. I said no (my last semester wasn’t that good) and then I remember she started pestering me asking me why I wasn’t coming. What happened next, I’m not sure I should have done but I’m glad I did anyway. I sent her a very long text saying the truth: I am ready to move on from my life and I am ready to move on from school. I don’t want to return. I’m happy I graduated. I can’t wait to move to the city. I’m happy getting older and being able to get more life experiences and I have no desire to go back to school.

    She didn’t take it well. She went from nice to angry in a millisecond, it seemed. Saying that what I said was unfair and she’s so disappointed I’m not coming. Then, she started using the silent treatment on me. She wouldn’t acknowledge me on social media, which hurt. I sent her a text saying that I was sorry I hurt her feelings and I had no intention of doing that, but I have no desire to go back to school now. I was depressed and I have been getting better over the summer. I remember her sending me a very nasty response, even though she knew this information for awhile now. She told me a few says after this that she didn’t get a Little at school. I tried to be nice and move past our last conversation. I told her not to worry, that me and my Big didn’t get Littles until senior year and we were absolutely okay with this. (Yes, this manipulative girl was my Little.) That being in a sorority was all about spending time with cool women and making the most of that. She sent me another nasty text that I only skimmed.

    After that, she kept on sending me angry texts that we needed to talk. The last text she sent me was a very angry one. That I had to call her up when I had free time and LISTEN TO EVERYTHING SHE HAD TO SAY. I was angry. She was pushing all this responsibility onto me for a fight I didn’t even start. If she had a problem with me why couldn’t she take her own damn responsibility and tell me her problems with me??? I wasn’t gonna take out time in my day to do something she was very capable of doing, only to have her scream all the problems she had with me at me. It was unfair. I decided to take the high road, deleted her number and just let the friendship end on this note.

    It’s funny. When I was graduating, she would tell me again and again how she wouldn’t be able to survive college without me. She did it until I had head aches. She wouldn’t let me out of her sight. She followed me around everywhere and stuck to me like glue. It was draining. But ever since I didn’t comply with her wishes, she has been giving me major silent treatment. She won’t acknowledge me on social networks. She did not do the mature thing and call me herself when she saw I wasn’t complying with her wishes. She has taken no responsibility for what has happened to us and pushed all the blame on me. (Recently she posted a couple of photos on Facebook, saying wish we could go back to the beginning of the relationship. I told her we could and tried to make contact with her again, but she ignored them.) It’s been a few months now since she’s started ignoring me and not acknowledging my existence. I was surprised how quickly she could turn like that, since she always plays up the “sweet and innocent” card.

    She will talk to my Big (who she’s never even met and never put the time, money and effort I put into our friendship) but not to me. I’m glad I was honest, though. If honesty is what breaks apart a friendship like this, then I guess we never really had anything in the first place.

    I know she may not be a psychopath. I was never married to her for year. But this year in this friendship caused a lot of hurt and confusion in me. It’s taken some time to become myself again. I didn’t realize how much of my confidence, humor and personality I had lost along the way. Without knowing it, I had become her puppet. And I don’t know what hurts more: losing myself, or losing somebody I thought was a friend.

    This is my story. Sorry it’s so long. I just had to get it out somewhere.

    • Thanks for sharing this. It’s interesting to have the point of view of a friendship instead of a romantic relationship. I don’t know if she was a psychopath either, but she was definitely someone who was draining the life out of you. Some people are like bottomless pits of need that can never be filled, and who will only drain dry those who dare to come close to them. I’m glad you’re back to being yourself again!

  19. Mine is a long story – 7 years actually. I had lost a guy in a boatfire and was very vulnerable. I was 58, divorced and very sad. I met a guy on a dating site and at first it was very intense but quite quickly he wanted to end it. To be honest I kept chasing him as I had slept with him and couldn’t understand why there was no real reason for it all to end. Eventually he told me he had been in prison for rape of his stepdaughter but that he was innocent. I believed him as he seemed genuine and nice. He was always wanting sex and I did enjoy it but then he left and I didn,t hear from him for ages. He only ever came for a night or 2. Then I think he had a relationship but he did not tell her the truth and eventually the police told her as she had a grandchild and he was on the sex offender list for life. Then he came back to me and he had a car accident and lost his licence thru drinking and I gave him some work in my house and picked him up from the train. I also lent him some money for a car once he had his licence back. I was totally besotted with him and kept trying to help him and hoped he would get better. He was drinking alot and blamed his behaviour on his time in prison. He does not have any contact with his family. Usually he would go off for weeks and then suddenly appear. He was good fun but always wanted sex and would never take me out except for the odd meal. I tried to look after him as I thought I could make him better. I feel so utterly stupid as I know I have wasted 7 years on him and I am now 65. This year I have allowed him to treat me even more badly but somehow I have been unable to stop contacting him – like I am addicted and it is so frightening. I used to be outgoing and fun but I have done nothing but angst after him for the last 7 years. One kind word from him would make my day!! I have two good friends who have been so supportive but most don’t know what has happened to me. He always told me he wasn’t having sex with anyone else because he didn’t want to tell them his background and I was the only one who knew and maybe I am but he is a compulsive liar. None of my friends liked him and still I pursued him! I do know for a fact that he is a convicted rapist. My family do not know anything thank goodness. He has tried to end it between us but still I have continued – I just felt I needed him. When I was not with him he would sometimes text me sexy texts up to 10 times a day and demand them back. I am ashamed to say that I would usually oblige. I was his fantasy. I still hanker for the man I first thought he was – funny and kind. This year I found out he was seeing a lady who has money. He is a very intelligent, articulate guy who I’m sure has wormed his way into her life. He completely denies sleeping with her and says they are good friends and of course I don’t believe him. I know they don’t live together as he lives with his mother who is in her 90s. He kind of looks after her as well as decorating for people but when he’s away he has carers in. He has been in constant contact with me by text and calling but I also think he went away with her in his caravan for a month as he put his phone off and just contacted me every now and again. When he came back I asked him to come over but he kept making excuses not to and the last 2weeks he has been horrible. I began asking for .,rmy money back and he keeps making excuses but I know he now has another car plus his old one, The thing is I do know I have to leave this as he has pretty much discarded me but I really want my money back. He says he will sort it but hasn;t. I know the name of this woman and where she lives but he doesn’t know I know. I also know that she has bought a holiday house in a remote part of the UK and he has been doing it up for her though he says its for a male friend. I think he wants to live there eventually when his mother passes away and he will be away from the police and he can live his life. I feel I want to go and tell this woman about his past but am fearful of any repurcussions. I have been used and emotionally abused and quite often feel it is my fault but he hand even now has always blown hot and cold and always offers a carrot until now. I hope I can be strong enough if he tries to come back. This is so not like me and I feel I have wasted so much of my life at an important time. This website has been so helpful as I thought I was totally on my own.
    Thank you for reading this. I have 3 lovely children and 3 lovely grandchilden. He has never been remotely interested in my life.

    • Your story is heartwrenching. But at the end you say you have 3 lovely children and 3 lovely grandchildren, and that is amazing. You deserve someone who is truly interested in you and your life. You deserve to live without the emotional angst this man is causing you every moment.

      It’s hard to break away when you have invested time and emotion into a relationship, but don’t throw good after bad. You may regret the time you devoted to him, but please don’t blame yourself. Tomorrow is a new day. Things will be tough for a while, but ultimately you will be glad he’s gone.

      Best wishes to you.

  20. I am a Christian woman……he is also a born again. He has known my family for years……I am close to his sister. I mistook her beautiful qualities and mistakenly thought he had these too……..when I look back at what i thought we shared, in truth it was not a relationship…….I crawled after him when he went silent for weeks, compromised my otherwise sane boundaries shamelessly. He bought me gifts…expensive ones but i now know this was the Idealization stage. Without going into all the finer details, after 3 years id had enough……the devaluation stage was too much and i told him I no longer wished to be with him. He tried to make me so angry so that I would mirror him with rage so that he could go Ha! told you you were crazy…..I didnt do this…..instead I told him what i thought of him (pointless) and am now 4 weeks NC. The space gave me clarity……..people whether your a man or a woman……when you come out of th ‘fog” you will see their games a bit more clearly……..you will see how much we compromised ourselves as we strived to be the person who made a difference to these broken individuals………I find solace in my belief in God and remembering what a strong individual I am……I havent always been confident but this has mad man has madee me see just how strong I am. He has also introduced me to the term Psychopath which will help me to know who to keep away from. Yes he abused my trust, flagrantly lulled me into a false sense of security…..made me feel like a worthless loser…….but ultimately people we know who the losers are…….its not you or I…….we are blessed beyond measure for we know how to give and receive Love…..they dont, wont until their bodys are old and gray…….so whos the Loser:-))))

  21. Pease believe me when I say that yes we wasted tender years on these people……..but you speak as though your life is over……..your stilll breathing arent you??? Its tempting to want to get your own back by telling this woman…….I think I would……but he is no longer your business…..you have been discarded. Get your own back…HOW fall in love with YOU again. Give yourself two months to let it sink in how you were hoodwinked….(i was too) how disgusting these people are, anger, pain hurt…..go through it then move to the beautiful woman, mother, grandmother you were before. You say you want your money back, im afraid for your sanity call it a small price. Good luck and God bless

  22. This just rings so true to me I met my husband (separated) 18 yrs ago. We went out on a date and he stayed that night and never left. We were married the following year. It started fine but once caught the need to woo was no longer there. The confident independent woman I was had disappeared. We moved 650 miles away from my family and friends. We had six children – the more children the bigger the man, having twins made him a legend – the sperminator! He didn’t work, he didn’t help in the house etc etc I did work and was expected to keep house in order and meals cooked too. Not a penny was put into the house. in 17 years I got 3 birthday and christmas presents a man jumper, mans leather trousers for the bike – that he wears, the only time I got something nice was if he went shopping with a friend. When I lost my breast and hair through breast cancer, I became repulsive to him. I got no support from him at all. When I was strong enough the children and I all left and haven’t looked back. He still tries to get to me and has said I am shit on his shoe. He knew the buttons to press but those buttons are not working anymore a good deal of the time. After years of feeling worthless and incapable, I am finding myself again. He is trying his tricks with the children but the older ones are showing their strength having none of it. Many people thought we had moved away to the fairytale life but they were all so wrong. I guess it made it easier to keep up the pretence when you didn’t see much of people. I never had friends back to the house.
    Do psychopaths ever change?

    • No, they never change. They aren’t capable of it, and there are no drugs or surgery for it, at least not yet. So if he tells you he’s changed, please don’t believe it.

      Your story is heartbreaking. You have described a truly despicable man.

      I am so glad you took the kids and left him! and that you’re finding yourself again! Don’t look back.

  23. Thank you,
    You know what I don’t even think he feels he needs to change, he has thrown so many accusations at me and blame for breaking up the family, and says to others I thought we had a happy marriage etc etc he is playing the wronged husband and father very well. His world has fallen apart…. he has to do things himself now and earn his own money – life can be tough. Because I am now standing up for myself he reckons I am the crazy person who shouldn’t be allowed near the children. And I am proud to say that I have still not sworn at him called him names put him down to his family and friends……I will hold my head up high knowing I am the better person and me and the children who have blossomed in the past year can get on with the best years of our lives. He is ultimately the looser and I guess there will always be pity for him but that’s it. :)

    • I have a new hero — YOU! I’m serious.

      You deserve to hold your head up high, very high. Thank you for sharing this.

      All the best to you and your children

  24. I was recently discarded. I saw so many signs, lies and even emotional cheating. We live a few hours away so I never saw the physical signs. Everything that was portrayed was false, and the emotional abuse was over the top looking back.
    It only lasted 9 months, but looking back it matches everything said.
    I allowed it, knowing better I did. I believed she loved me.
    Until I got the ring, then when she came close to my area to a wedding I wasn’t invited to, she send a text saying “it’s over” then hours later a brief text explanation saying she didn’t love me anymore and that she even
    Prayed about it. But she loved and cared for me.
    She didn’t at all. It was all a sham. So hurtful.
    What’s even worse is she did it to me before when we dated, but it was a shorter period of time. Makes things worse, is in that year apart, I dated another psychopath.
    Both women had multiple relationships, the one I between even had me and the other guy buy the same ring.
    Both girls said all the right things, hounded me and I for some reason thought they loved me.
    I have some fixing on myself to do.
    It’s hard letting go of this last one, as I tend to think thru the day about how sweet and loving she was in the first phase. So hurtful.

    • That’s what makes it so hard — thinking of how sweet they were in the first phase. Somehow, that overrides everything else.

      You don’t need to “fix” yourself; you need to get to know yourself better, and learn where you’re vulnerable. We’re all vulnerable somewhere.

  25. Following what I said up. This last one when we first started dating was telling me her ex of months before was stalking her and she tried to get a restraining order. None of it made since, as he had went to the coffee shop to get a coffee, he picked up his nephew from school and ran into her little sister and said hello. He is a police officer, and almost lost his job.
    She said their lawyer struck a deal with him to have no contact, or even attend the same religious place.

    I contacted him, it was thrown out cause their was no evidence of stalking. Also he said her and her mom basically threatened him with the restraint order if he told anything about the mom having an affair to the religious elders. She took him all the way to getting a marriage application before dropping him. Also we talked timelines, her and I already started talking again before the application was signed, then when we officially started dating is when she sent him the text then tried to file the restraining order. We compared other stories as to how she would act, exactly the same.
    He even gave up a scholarship to a high end law school for her.
    Then informed me, she also did this to two coworkers.

    Her family I have known for 5 years and spoke to some of them on a weekly basis, even when we weren’t dating, didn’t even call me to say sorry it didn’t work out. I talked to the grandma and great grandma, the great grandma didn’t even know she left me. The grandma didn’t even know I had gotten her a ring.

    So mad at myself for allowing myself to be treated that way.

    • It’s hard to see it when you’re in the midst of it, but now you do and you’ve learned a lot. A lot of us are in that same boat with you. But we’re not sinking — we’re sailing now

      “If the highest aim of a captain were to preserve his ship, he would keep it in port forever.”
      Thomas Aquinas

      “I’m not afraid of storms, for I’m learning how to sail my ship.”
      Louisa May Alcott

  26. Reading this description, I realized that my relationships have all been like this description, and I’m the one that idealizes, devalues and discards.

    I never thought of it as a manipulative thing. I didn’t do it to hurt anybody intentionally. At the beginning there is always so much hope. Emotions flood and everything seems possible. In all of my relationships it seemed that life just didn’t turn out the way I’d hoped with this person. It stopped being exciting. Sometimes I feel like I constantly need a new audience to praise me. It is kinda fucked up when I think of it this way.

    I don’t know how to handle this. I’m in a relationship now and I try to do everything to make myself continue to value her and to be valuable to her. We have lots of fun and laugh a lot. I try to steer things to be in our good spot. It seems so shallow, but for instance, if she gains weight and I am not physically attracted to her anymore I may even feel a tinge of disgust or desire to tell her to get to the gym, but I try to focus on the positives and never criticize, only playfully tease or give advice but not about sensitive things like weight. I know this can be annoying to other people and I don’t like when others do it to me. But it’s like I feel I know better and I know I don’t mean anything mean by it so it’s ok for me to “teach” people what I know. And if I’m going to be with this person *forever* it seems like I should have some input? Yeah she’s an awesome person but I would feel ok if she wasn’t here. I think she’d be devastated without me. Which puts pressure on me! Auugh! I don’t want to hurt her, but surely I am allowed to enter into relationships in the hopes of finding, learning and growing? It still seems possible to me. I try so hard, but nobody seems to meet the internal ideal. The heart’s yearning is never quite satisfied. I’m just not that into anybody. For long.

    So what is this cold existence like? To me I am just following my desires. I like making clever observations and like when other people appreciate my wit or clever phrasing. I rap. I freestyle. I like the attention and hearing the flow.

    And my girl? Well, after a year she is now willing to learn new things from me. Which she was very resistant to before (Personally I consume knowledge ravenously and value this trait in others as well, often becoming disappointed in those who seem uninterested in learning new things). I never saw it as a contest. I like hearing what other people know. For some reason me saying things that are true is offensive to others. I see the pattern but I don’t understand it in other people. I keep most things to myself, but an interesting fact here or there seems no big deal. Everybody gets butthurt feeling insecure. I practice storytelling techniques to try to make things as entertaining as possible. People tolerate it mostly, but sometimes I enrapture a whole crowd and it goes over well. I think of myself as a performer.

    So with my girlfriend, it’s nice because now I feel like I can tell her 2 or 3 things each day and we can chat and learn together and I have found that valuable in my life. She listens and sometimes incorporates my advice and she becomes a stronger person for it. She teaches me things too and I’m glad to learn from her. But I also feel like I will learn all I can from her before long and then I’ll get truly bored. I’m like a skill/knowledge vampire. Give me time and I will learn all of your tricks and use them for my own power. I’m like the X-man Rogue in that regard. But as far as I know my “victims” keep their powers.

    She never quite feels like I love her or accept her entirely. And I’m afraid it’s true. I bore of people. I just do. I don’t know why. Some people take longer but I’ve never known anyone that I didn’t eventually get over, except for people that I am excited about right now in my life. I’m 34 so you can imagine how it would be difficult to notice this pattern until around now. People come and go, you know? But apparently it is normal to have some people that never go. There are feelings at work that I guess I don’t fully feel myself. How could I possibly understand what everybody is talking about if I don’t feel it? I feel a faint version of it I think, but it isn’t as powerful a motivator for me as it is other people. It hurts to leave, but not so much that I can’t do it if I want. I still want to be friends. I feel warmth toward everyone. It’s just not as big a deal to me.

    If she were to stop doing this, to stop improving, I think I would discard her entirely. It helps me look past her faults. We are on a journey together and I am critical of myself. Extending this criticality to the people around me feels like preparing them for a journey. Am I just an asshole?

    But my presence and attention is conditional. Is my love conditional? I don’t think so. I just can’t always be around when people want me to be. I want to move and change my environment and surroundings and choose the people in my life.

    And again I only have one point of view, how can I know what things should be like? I can only try to be the best person I can given my often conflicting and oft changing desires and drives.

    I don’t want to hurt anybody and do my best to make the world a better place. I’m sorry to those who feel they’ve been hurt by someone like me.

    -Matt

    • I’m not so sure an apology to those who have been hurt by someone like you is in order here. This blog is about psychopaths, not about you.

      You said, “For some reason me saying things that are true is offensive to others.” In that case, I suspect Asperger’s Syndrome. Look into it.

      Best wishes.

  27. I’ve been involved in an extramarital affair with a man for about 3 years. I caught him cheating once about a year ago and he wooed me back, then again, caught him again recently. This was suppose to be a way to find happiness outside our marriages due to my spouse being ill and his spouse is bisexual.
    As I read about psychopaths i realize that I have been a fool for his manipulations. He let me listen to conversations with his wife to confirm her sexual desires outside of their marriage. It was always just enough truth to convince me of his loyalty and that what he was saying was valid.
    The truth is that he actively seeks women on sex sites and is sexually involved with them while seeing me.
    He made me feel exquisite, his ability to show empathy was uncanny. I am taking it one day at a time to stay away from him and reestablish my identity. The best thing I have read is that I feel I am in love with what I THOUGHT was an incredible man, instead I need to see the master manipulator that he is, that this is for his own satisfaction. It is hard to understand because so many times he took great care of me and was never selfish when I was in his presence, yet completely selfish in his carnal pursuits.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Thank you for your comment! It will be published soon, after it's reviewed. This protects the blog and its readers from spammers, trolls and hackers.

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>