DOUBT: Friend or Foe?

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Doubt is the main theme when involved with a psychopath. They are the embodiment of duplicity, contradiction, and confusion. The whole charade exists under the shadow of doubt. Doubt permeates it like a thick fog blanketing a city. It seeps through the tiniest cracks, and nothing can make it lift other than the clear and revealing light of truth.

You had doubts about them, but they made you doubt those doubts. Their manipulation and the confusion it caused made you doubt yourself, down to the very core of your being. You questioned your own perceptions and even came to doubt your own worth. And after it was over, the doubt didn’t end. Maddening doubt about who they really were and what really happened took hold of your mind and refused to let go.

So is doubt your friend or your foe?

It’s both.

Doubt is your friend. Self-doubt is your foe.

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“Doubt is your friend, but don’t ever doubt yourself.”

That gem of advice was given to me by a psychopath. Why? Who knows. He said there would be no victims if we remembered that and lived by it. It was tied for the best piece of advice I’ve ever gotten. What was the other? My mom telling me that actions speak louder than words. I didn’t really, truly get that until it was too late. Now I do, and I hope you do, too.

DOUBT:
verb
1. to be uncertain about; consider questionable or unlikely; hesitate to believe.
2. to distrust.
noun
3. a feeling of uncertainty about the truth, reality, or nature of something.
4. distrust.

SELF-DOUBT:
noun
1. lack of confidence in the reliability of one’s own thoughts, motives, personality, etc.

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 “Self-doubt inflicts the deepest wounds.”

― Marty Rubin

When I read that quote, I thought “Marty never met a psychopath!” But it turns out that he was right, because a psychopath’s greatest weapon is instilling self-doubt in their victim. When they do that, the deal is sealed. It enables them to get away with whatever they want to get away with, and to diminish us at the same time. As our doubts about them are struck down and pacified, our doubts about ourselves grow ever larger. They create our self-doubt and and then they nurture it.

Psychopaths are masters at making us doubt ourselves and their manipulation. This is why you suffer from cognitive dissonance when it ends, ruminating and obsessing and endlessly going back and forth in your mind without resolution. You vacillate between the truth and the illusion. You were led to doubt your own perception of events and to doubt yourself.

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“Faith and doubt both are needed – not as antagonists, but working side by side to take us around the unknown curve.”

~ Lillian Smith

“Faith” means self-trust (the opposite of self-doubt). In this context, it’s the trust you have that your doubts about someone exist for a reason. Faith in yourself, which gives you faith in your doubt, can go a long way to protect you. It’s not about being mistrustful — it’s about listening to those doubts that arise, and trusting them, and not letting anyone ‘explain them away,’ blame you for them, or shame you out of them.

Your doubts exist for a reason. In a healthy relationship, it’s not usual to repeatedly question your partner’s honesty or fidelity or love or motives. It’s not usual to be consumed by anxiety and uncertainty and guilt and desperation. It’s also not usual to feel like less than you were before and to be left doubting yourself.

A healthy relationship thrives on trust and consistency and a mutual desire to have it endure. It was in your nature to work through problems and to forgive. Don’t fault yourself for this.  These are the best traits to have in a healthy relationship with a healthy person. Unfortunately, they were exploited in a relationship with a manipulator.

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Doubt is painful and unwelcome because we don’t want to give up our treasured belief in someone. This makes it easier for that someone to silence us and our doubts. But doubt is persistent when it’s warranted, and it soon returns. Gaslighting, lying, and the silent treatment don’t resolve doubt; they only silence the doubter, temporarily, while making the doubt grow ever larger deep beneath the surface.

In order to hold on to our treasured beliefs, we accept when doubt is turned on ourselves instead of the one who deserves it. That self-doubt keeps hope alive, but it kills us in the process.

 

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Your task now is to separate truth from lies, and to trust yourself in the process of doing so.  There is no reason for you not to trust yourself. You know how hard your tried to save the relationship from coming to an end. And you know that when you tried, you repeatedly came up against someone who had no compassion, and no understanding, and who would not take responsibility for anything.

The simple fact that you have so much doubt points to the truth.

 

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“Cherish your doubts, for doubt is the attendant of truth.
Doubt is the key to the door of knowledge; it is the servant of discovery.
A belief which may not be questioned binds us to error, for there is incompleteness and imperfection in every belief.

Doubt is the touchstone of truth; it is an acid which eats away the false.
Let no one fear for the truth, that doubt may consume it; for doubt is a testing of belief.

The truth stands boldly and unafraid; it is not shaken by the testing;
For truth, if it be truth, arises from each testing stronger, more secure.

Those that would silence doubt are filled with fear; their houses are built on shifting sands.

But those who fear not doubt, and know its use, are founded on rock.
They shall walk in the light of growing knowledge; the work of their hands shall endure.

Therefore let us not fear doubt, but let us rejoice in its help:
It is to the wise as a staff to the blind;

Doubt is the attendant of truth.”

~ Robert Weston, a Unitarian Universalist minister

Doubt is the attendant of truth.

LOTUS DIVIDER

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41 thoughts on “DOUBT: Friend or Foe?”

  1. merijoe

    You know I was thinking about my own doubt and realized that there is so much I know, that I have been thru and things that were said in the brief encounter I had with my PP, that explaining all this shit might be the only thing that would get someone to understand, but it would take months to describe the horror, and frankly, it would be hard to get someone to listen and I don’t think I would want to hear it.
    Thank you for the article, it made me feel better reading it. Today was a hard day for me-my day is coming soon. I’m holding on.

    1. Admin

      I tried explaining it, and then I realized you’ve got to pay someone to sit there for months and listen to it. If you find a good therapist, it’s worth it.

      I’m glad it made you feel better, Merijoe. Your day is coming soon, I can feel it. Best wishes to you.

      1. Babs

        Finding a good therapist is a difficult thing. There are so many bad ones out there…I know. The worst was also a college professor, and what a jerk he turned out to be. He did not bat an eyelash when I confronted him about his duplicity…but want to know what he DID say?
        “Well, you’re the family dummy…”

        1. Admin

          He actually said that?! Amazing and very sad. I’ve heard many stories about bad therapists, but I’ve also heard many good ones, so don’t give up. Find someone who specializes in trauma; I’m told they’re the best for our needs. Good luck with it!

  2. Kerry

    Great article! Yes! A good therapist not listens but provides a historic timeline of events that even I had lost track of throughout the years. I had continued to see him after marriage counseling failed with my now ex NPD /SP . I am so fortunate that this person witnessed the transformation of me/marriage and also my ex’s personal tirades. It’s very validating. Next to my BFF’s, Family and court system, he really is the only person that knows the whole dark story. It’s probably ” movie making material — I can’t fathom how I’ve made it. And yes, sometimes I have to remind myself that I really did make it out, narrowly, but alive!

    1. Admin

      You were very lucky to have had this therapist who witnessed events and validated what was going on. I’m happy you made it out, Kerry. Maybe one day you’ll write a screenplay. Our stories would make for some jaw-dropping psychological thrillers.

  3. Debbie

    This is so self powering to read as memories flood back of the times my doubt was trying to tell me to get the hell out, but he turned that doubt against me into self doubt to the point that I couldn’t even trust my own instincts anymore, my self talk of doubt was leading me into deep suicidal thoughts and actions, he brainwashed me to believe that I was over analysing his every action and words. I now know I wasn’t, it was my doubting instincts kicking in for self protection, which is what they are there for.
    Here is what he would say if I questioned anything that he couldn’t answer
    Put the magnifying glass away
    I see you have the microscope out again
    When 1 finger is pointing at me 3 are pointing right back at you
    Stop analysing me

    I stopped and started to analyse my doubts instead which destroyed any trust I had in my gut instincts. I’m beginning to learn to trust them again, but it has felt like I’ve had to go back to the very beginning of my life to relearn my instincts which we learn for self protection. This has been the worst and hardest part of my recovery, even while writing this I’m doubting that I know what I’m talking about.

    1. Admin

      They know just how to evade the real issue by turning the tables and making us appear to be the one with a problem, and in the midst of all the confusion it works. That doubt keeps working after they’re gone, but then the time comes when we can look back and see the truth clearly, and see the self-doubt they created as what prevented us from being able to do that sooner. It takes a while for that to happen. It sounds to me that you know what you’re talking about, Debbie. I’m glad you found the article empowering!

      I don’t know if you’ve read Backed Into an Emotional Corner, but it goes into more detail about how manipulation creates self-doubt.

    2. The Plummer

      Wow, your P/SPath is intelligent! He managed to create three different diminishing tactics that have no offensive response. Any response to counter them automatically come from a position of defense.

      I guess I’d call those statements ” scrutiny shift”, wherein he effectively took the accountability spotlight off him, by using your ability to see through all the lies, as being your fault for routinely pointing them out.

      Glad you got out, he would have lead you to some serious self damage. I believe they can lead one to contract mental illness, I’ve seen it with my own eyes. My ex mother in law, drove her husband crazy.

      Admin, I wonder if their are any studies that support what I’ve seen in that relationship dynamic, or what the potential of being driven to madness is. Maybe a future article topic?

      1. Admin

        Plummer, my post “Backed Into an Emotional Corner” was my attempt to reveal and explain this dynamic. I don’t know if there are any formal studies, but I know we have all dealt with having the focus shifted to us so they can evade the real issues, and that it’s maddening enough to drive us into emotional meltdowns. I don’t doubt that if someone deals with this long-term and doesn’t see the truth of what’s happening, they could end up with serious and lasting psychological harm.

  4. The Plummer

    Confusion and chaos is their playground. The more confused you are about them, the more confused you are about yourself.

    Once they have secured your own self confusion (self doubt), they are free to do as they please, which is, live within their own confusion, which is comfortable for them. Every time you try to pin them down to something “concrete”, they instinctively go into a confusion campaign, because they already know that accountability (for them) will surely follow, and that is the one thing they avoid at all costs. Yet they simultaneously hold you accountable to them, even to the point of deceptive manipulation.

    What hurts the most, is how they just simply walk away, when you have effectively closed all the “loopholes” that they have created for themselves. Once they know “the jig is up”, they take their toys and go home, leaving you wondering what did I do to deserve this?

    Now, when a female P/S, decides to leave, all of society supports them. No fault divorce is a psychopaths friend. Especially a female. 85% of the time the female gets custody and CS. 10% of the time it’s 50%/50%, no support. Only 5% of the time does the male get custody.

    Now if a man files for divorce, it is expected that he will most likely be giving up much more, and the marriage must be either so unfulfilling, or he is such a selfish subhuman that he doesn’t care.

    However, if a woman files, it’s assumed that the husband was “at fault”, even though no fault is the stated model.

    I realize that your blog is primarily for female readership, and this may be uncomfortable for many to read, however I chose to inject these thoughts because the post speaks of TRUTH, and how doubt sheds away the false, exposing only the truth, of which is “not afraid”.

    I believe it’s time for all to recognize what evil lurks behind the no fault model and demand that the divorce industry abandon it, as it is the only mechanism to hold a personality disordered mind accountable.

    Keep up the great work!

    1. Admin

      Exactly — once they know the jig is up they take their toys and go home, without any care at all about the pain and destruction they caused. Mine knew the jig was up when I told him I suspected he was a serial predator and a psychopath. He said the real problem was that I was boring, and because of that and he was “done with me.” He inadvertently proved my suspicions with that one. And still, I doubted myself and had massive cognitive dissonance! It seems unbelievable now, but the confusion was so complete at that time.

      I’ve heard horror stories about the family court system and how disordered people actually use it to continue their abuse, instead of it being what it should be — a place where these people are seen for what they are and held accountable, and especially not put in charge of the care of innocent children. Your statistics are startling, but I think what the stats don’t show is the massive harm to anyone who was involved with a psychopath, whether male or female. The divorce and family court ‘industries’ need a total overhaul, one that can only come from a paradigm shift. It’s going to take a lot to make that happen, but it must happen — too many lives are needlessly being reduced to wreckage, while under the watch of “professionals” who should know better.

      Another consideration is that psychopathic men tend to be the ones who get the settlement they want (just like their female counterparts) because of their ability to dupe people, and that includes lawyers, judges, guardians and therapists. So in a situation where the man truly should not get custody, he does. And whether he gets partial or no custody, he refuses to contribute to his children’s support. As you said at another time, they must win, no matter what it takes.

      The issues of divorce and custody, etc., are ones I’m not personally familiar with. Do you know of any good resources for people who find themselves in these situations? Every once in a while someone will ask, and I don’t know of anyplace really good to send them.

      I understand the betrayal you’ve experienced has been made worse by the unfairness that has followed it. I hope things are improving for you in some way.

      1. The Plummer

        Good divorce resources? Sadly NO I do not. Family court is merely a scorched earth, take no prisoners place where the only “winners” are the attorneys that you actually pay to sell you down the river.

        A disordered spouse, is willing to harm themselves if it means hurting you, and they have no problem destroying their lives if it means hurting you in the process. Lawyers feed off of these types of emotionally driven, rationally retarded minds, as it’s easy to milk them for all they can be milked, and you are left with two options. 1. Give up and take the loss, for me the loss of my children was too great, though that’s what happened anyway.

        2. Spend yourself into oblivion fighting hard and at best hope for a somewhat “equal” deal.

        Resources I’ve found are shrink4men, gettinbetter.com, Rick Reynolds “BPD relationship success”,
        And Illimitableman.com.

        You may find some of their writings offensive because they are centered around codependant men in relationships with cluster B women. Just reverse genders if need be.

        1. Admin

          Divorce resources, but specifically for those who are parents and who have a pathological ex. I find it’s a need that’s not being met, at least not that I know of.

          *It’s an opportunity for someone who had that experience to create a place that could provide support and resources,* if anyone reading this is so inclined. I will help you get started, if need be.

          I’m very sorry you lost your children. I can’t imagine anything so terrible. My heart goes out to you, Plummer.

          Thank you for the websites. There’s not enough support available in general, and I know the men I’ve spoken to feel especially left out. I’ll put those links in the sidebar.

  5. Dee

    My doubt almost lead me to madness. On paper he was diabolical, but yet, I still hung in there because I was in a ridiculous trap believing that I could not be happy without him. This was illogical thinking and the duality of thought almost drove me insane because he:
    1) Had a harem of women/admirers on fb. Many of whom live in foreign countries or out of state,
    2) He’d disappear and not call for a few days and offer an excuse that would not make sense.
    3) He’d fly in fwb’s, I’d find out and he’d justify them by saying they meant nothing, but I meant everything. I was the “chose one.”
    4) He’d justify his need to attend “swingers” parties because he was a highly sexed man and lucky me for being the chosen one to have him by MY side.
    5) I’d find a woman’s garment, or see a sexual text pop up on his phone. He’d become exasperated explaining it was nothing. My intuition would be screaming at me, my head would be spinning (because his explanation did not make any sense). Then he’d say, “You attitude is really bothering me, you better fix it.”

    See, on paper he looks horrible, right? Yet I stayed! There was no logical explanation for it. My friends told me I was crazy, could not understand and they made me feel worse. I was almost driven mad and had it not been for my children, I would have stayed. I left the relationship to protect and save them. This mother’s day I feel so grateful for my children. They saved me.

    Oh my god, the doubt! Psychopaths thrive on the doubt that occupies every inch of our minds. As long as we are obsessively trying to untangle ourselves from the web of duplicity, then they have us, they control us. They know they make us crazy, they want us to spin because our desperation to find clarity empowers them and feeds their soul. But, once we get out and we begin to find our way back to center, they leave. They pack up and exit like it all meant nothing at all. And it didn’t. No one means anything to a psychopath.

    1. Admin

      I know what you mean, Dee. The duality of thought exhausted me and I was desperate for it to stop, but I had no control over it.
      Our duality of thought was caused by their duality of being.

      I kept a journal during the last couple of months with him, and for several months after it was over. It’s an excruciating written record of my doubt and all the illogical and exhausting back-and-forth thoughts and feelings I had, and reading it makes me want to pull my hair out or have a stiff drink. Here’s an excerpt:

      “I have spent so much time analyzing and agonizing and trying in vain to figure out if he really loves me or if he’s just a user. Just questioning it would seem to make the answer apparent, but it’s not that easy for some reason. If he does love me and all the problems are my fault, like he says, I am very sorry. But that doesn’t answer the question of why I’d accuse him of being a predator. I never before felt anyone I knew was something that frightening and vile. And it doesn’t answer the question of why I keep loving him and seeing him if I think that might be true. I think a good rule is if you think the man you’re in love with might really just be a predator, end the relationship. It seems so obvious… but something else must be at work here, something I can’t explain.”

      Yes, something else was at work… a psychopath! When they pull us into their warped world we slowly lose our minds, at least temporarily. It’s no wonder recovery takes so long. The day that duality of thought finally stopped was one of the best days of my life.

  6. Dee

    Wow! Thank you posting the excerpt from your journal. I can’t tell you how supported I feel. Only someone who has experienced the insanity understands. The experience is not logical and can not be rationalized. It takes a long time to unravel the mess, but slowly we can heal our hearts and get our brains back to center. Thank you so much for all of your writings. You have made a huge difference to me. xox

    1. Admin

      I’m glad my journal entry made you feel supported. When I re-read my words, what I felt was compassion for myself; I was so lost in all the doubt and confusion at that time. I hope you feel that for yourself too, Dee. Thank you for your kind words.

  7. Dee

    The turning point is realizing how we were purposefully manipulated to doubt ourselves. Psychopaths use the very stealthy combination of giving love/praise/support peppered with lies and subtle criticism. It’s amusement for them, to relieve their incessant boredom.
    I just read a psychopath’s blog (psychogendered.com) and she wrote:
    “The thirstiest person can survive on anthers tears it would seem.” Doesn’t that perfectly sum up how diabolical a psychopath is?

    1. Admin

      That sums it up, Dee. If we don’t really get what we’ve learned about them, a trip to one of their blogs clears it up quickly. They’re especially good with metaphor, which is surprising.

      When we realize our self-doubt was manipulated into being, we can also realize there is no real basis for it. We have to fight against the lies they left us with. First they have to be found. Self-blame, self-doubt, lack of self trust, and a poor sense of self worth are all relics of lies and manipulation.

  8. Asheley

    Hey Admin, I left a comment yesterday but I’m bot sure that it went through fyi may be in your spam? Hope you are well!!

    1. Admin

      “but I’m bot“ {:-O

      Asheley, I’m sorry that happened to your comment. Every once in a while the spam filter makes an error. Until a few weeks ago I’d check the spam folder to make sure no one’s comment got sent there, but there’s been a sharp rise in the number of spams — instead of 50 or 100, now there are several hundred or more. Viagra, cialis, Raleph Lauren, Nike… and a strange one that caught my eye. I called it “psychopath spam,” and here’s a sample (it was pages long):

      I {couldn’t|could not} {resist|refrain from} commenting.
      {Very well|Perfectly|Well|Exceptionally well} written!|
      You {seem|appear} {to understand|to know|to grasp} {so much|a lot}
      {It is|It’s} {appropriate|perfect|the best} time to make some plans for the {the future|the longer term|the long run} and {it is|it’s} time to be happy.
      I’m {bored to tears|bored to death|bored} and it’s driving me {mad|insane|crazy}
      {I have|I’ve} been {surfing|browsing} {online|on-line} {more than|greater than} {three|3} hours {these days|nowadays|today|lately|as of late}, {yet|but} I
      {never|by no means} {found|discovered} any {interesting|fascinating} article like yours. {It’s|It is} {lovely|pretty|beautiful} to me.
      Woah! I’m really {loving|enjoying|digging} you.
      {Where|Exactly where} are your contact details?|

      I’m well, and I hope you are too.

  9. Depressedempath

    Great post Admin! Yes, doubt drove me over the edge. Doubting him, doubting myself, him projecting blame on me. It became too much for me and I called lifeline on two occasions. I thought l was going crazy and didn’t want my life to go on. The brainwashing meant that couldn’t see that by just exiting the relationship, I would get better.
    The doubt goes on though, I continue to look back and analyse every altercation, episode of our relationship. He was skilled at projecting blame, in fact he projected his whole persona on to me. He told me I was selfish, always only thinking of myself, that I was egotistical, a narcissist and a sociopath. He played the victim. God that had me doubting myself- thinking it could be true?
    About the legal system, I had the worst day in court getting an intervention order against him. The psycho turned up to fight it, so that I would have to spend a whole day there, only to submit to it at the eleventh hour. He had the duty lawyer duped too. She was running backwards and forwards to me with his “deals”. One of those was that if I withdrew it, he verbally promised to be a good boy and leave me alone……as if. The last communication was a threat that he would be filing for an order against me if I persisted. At that, I pointed out to the duty lawyer that the system had failed to protect me from family violence because the psycho had used the legal system to cause me to endure a whole day of threats and abuse. He had duped us all.
    They are unbelievably evil and I think that is why I doubted so much and still do. How can a human being, that lives and breathes like the rest of us, be so twisted and evil?

    1. Admin

      It is brainwashing, nothing less. I’m so happy you reached out and called Lifeline. It would have been such a tragedy if you had acted on his lies.

      The P I knew ended our “relationship” by venomously spitting that I bored him and he was done with me — and I should go hang myself or something. What that did was to piss me off so badly because I thought “Who the HELL does he think he is, that if he doesn’t want me I should just die?” Of course it devastated me that “my soul mate and love of my life” had come to have such thoughts about me and contempt for me, but I already suspected what he was by then so there was no chance of acting on his words. Thank goodness for that. If I had not known, things may have turned out differently. It was still devastating, and I sill went into a tailspin trying to understand ‘what really happened,’ but I knew I had done nothing to deserve his contemptuous parting words. Doubt plagued me for well over a year; the truth was too much to bear and was too confused from his manipulation to seem real.

      How can a human being be so twisted and evil? They have none of the emotions or bonds we do, or the capability to have any. What is life about when there is no meaning, and when you don’t care that there isn’t? They’ve got to do something to pass the time, something to alleviate the boredom. That’s why they’re predators. They’re bored, and we’re around. A match made in hell.

  10. Asheley

    Oh my! That email you received in your spam is kind of disturbing, yikes! Pyschopath-esque for sure! I see why you’ve avoided the spam folder, don’t blame ya :)

    1. Admin

      It’s the sheer number of spam comments that makes it impossible to pick through them (I have 958 in the spam folder now, and I emptied it earlier today). It would take hours. But yes, that was a strange one… When you tried to submit your comment, was there a notice that told you it went to spam?

  11. Asheley

    No it said something about not being able to process it and to try again later. It gave me the option to try troubleshooting which I didn’t do. The last time it happened my comment went to spam, so I assume that happened this time.

    1. Admin

      Thanks, Ashely. I was wondering how it looked from the reader’s point of view. I’m going to contact the developers and see if they can fix the problem, and it’ll be helpful for them to know that.

  12. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS BLOG.

    For the first time I finally feel like someone actually GETS IT.

    A Pyschopath isn’t just an unpleasant person, they are DANGEROUS and sad excuses for human beings who prey on normal, healthy people and distort their reality.

    The P that I knew portrayed himself as completely sweet and innocent, the perfect example of a wolf in sheep’s clothing. He claimed to have cancer (whether or not this is true, I don’t know but since he was a constant liar I doubt it was true) he made it easy for people to care for him and trust him, because how could you ever not care or distrust someone who put on the perfect sick puppy dog act?

    This P was so good at manipulating that he fooled me into caring for him all the time and putting his needs before my own. He tricked me into giving him my social security number, and he tricked me into thinking that I had a promising job opportunity when no such job existed, and worst of all he tricked me into thinking that he actually loved me.

    When his mask finally came off was when he started demanding that I give him money, I refused to do this and his true colors were shown but he tried to turn things around by claiming that I was the one who showed my true colors, and that I was crazy, I was a bad person, ect.

    He harassed me via text message for nearly 12 hours straight until I blocked his number and also changed my changed my number and also blocked his email.

    It’s been nearly 6 months since I last had contact with this monster, I felt guilty for a long time because I believed the words he said. I truly did believe that I was crazy and a bad person. And the fact that most of my friends chose his side over mine didn’t help.

    But because of this blog and because of my own research, I see things for what they really are.

    I found out that the P I knew was once accused of murder, he was found innocent but honestly I believe he did it because his story doesn’t add up and all the evidence points to him. I also found out that he has run shady businesses in the past that were known scams.

    What’s funny is that he made a twitter account not too long ago and on it he’s always bragging about the charity work he does. He tries REALLY hard to make himself look like a good person.

    This P is pretty well known, he’s not famous but there’s plenty of info about him all over the internet. I just wish I would have done my research before I got involved.

    Sorry for such a long comment but I just had to get all of this off my chest because I feel like this blog is a place where I can finally be understood!

    1. Admin

      I’m so glad you feel understood! And I’m happy it helped you to see things as they really are — that’s a giant step in being able to move forward. Sorry this dastardly excuse for a man infected your life. He sounds prototypical, and dangerous. I’m glad you got away. Best wishes to you, T.

  13. Dee

    Admin – So offensive how your ex P said he found you so boring, you should just hang yourself.
    After I broke up with my ex P, he told a sexual target that he loved me in all areas except that he was not sexually attracted to me. He told this woman: “How do you tell a person that? I could never tell her and hurt her like that. It’s why I want you so bad?” Why did he need to tell this woman and others this at all ? Interesting to note, that when we first me, he told me how sexy, amazing and hot I was. After 6 months, the sex dropped off. He’d have a strange rash, would be too tired, fall asleep etc. And, I was never allowed to initiate sex at all. The relationship carried on for another two years like that. He tried to get me to go to “swing” parties and have threesomes to spice things up.
    Anyway, the fact that your ex said, “hang” is beyond cruel. The way psychopaths turn off, or more acutely eventually reveal themselves, is truly disturbing. I would sometimes wonder what he was truly capable of. How extreme was his evil and discarding side? In the days when my ex was MIA, was he at a seedy dungeon committing atrocities? Was he raping or murdering someone? The dark side of a psychopath is horrifying, no wonder they need a mask. No wonder they can’t keep the mask on indefinitely. That evil inside can not be contained.

    1. Admin

      Thanks for your support, Dee. Yes, it is very offensive indeed. But it revealed the truth about him, and as they say, the truth shall set you free. They just don’t tell you how long it’s gonna take.

      They get bored quickly. Boredom is the nemesis of the psychopath. When they perceive us as boring them, it’s a contemptible thing. Then they move on in their endless quest for superficial stimulation.

      Two reasons he told her, most likely: To seduce her and to hurt you at the same time (knowing it would get back to you).

      They can only mask the horror and the boredom for so long. Here’s what one of them has to say about it:

      “So what’s my problem? As I fiddle with the Sharpie in my mouth, twisting and scraping it against my canines, I ponder my own question. What is my problem? I can’t imagine what could be bothering me. Maybe it’s just the weather.

      Some people sob at the softest mention of cancer within. All I can say is there is a much more sinister disease burbling in this demonic blood of mine: Boredom. And it afflicts me. Rotting my eyeballs inside, then out. Setting my skin on fire and then dousing it with ice…

      Boredom is the Devil and I am fucking possessed.”

      1. Admin

        Another quote, this one about the mask:

        “Wearing a mask 365 days a year is difficult. The masks a psychopath must wear are just as chafing as any real one. All masks are stifling, and it doesn’t take long to feel that itch that can encompass you like wildfire. Skin rubbing and scraping against this superficial identity. It’s no surprise the temptation to tear it off is powerful. The effort of sustaining a semblance of normalcy is beyond comprehension.”

  14. Asheley

    Well it looks like I may see my P today. Not because I want to but there’s not much of a way to avoid it. I’m going to a small going away party for 2 of my favorite coworkers. He doesn’t work for the company anymore but he will be there. It’s been almost 5 months since I’ve seen or spoke to him. The last time I saw him he was slamming a door in my face…Feeling very nervous to be in the same room. I’m just going to focus on being happy and myself, I’m definitely not going to interact with him. Slightly freaking out inside Admin!

    1. Admin

      I don’t blame you for freaking out; it’s understandable that you’d be very uneasy about it. Have a plan in place for a couple of different scenarios, just in case something unexpected happens. Have an ‘escape plan’ too, in case you need to leave. Don’t be surprised if it brings up emotions and memories from the past. Good luck, Asheley. Please let me know how it goes.

  15. Asheley

    Well all that anticipation and anxiety and he didn’t even show up! I figured he heard that I would be there and decided not to come at the last minute… but then he sent the hostess of the party a few texts around 9pm to ask if it was too late to come, that he had a long night the night before and that he had to sober up. Then he sent a picture of his hand clutching a beer with his roommate’s dog in the background. Kinda weird? This was a Sunday afternoon/evening barbeque with kids around, it wasn’t going all night. The hostess found it rude that he wanted to come so late, ect. I was definitely a little disappointed but also relieved that he didn’t show up. I had forgotten just how much he drinks. He would drink at least 1 large hard lemonade on his lunch break, sometimes drink beers on his way home whilst stuck in traffic (he once told me that he drank eight beers on his way home from work) and then of course always had a beer in his hand when not working. On a regular basis he stays up until 8 or 9am drinking then sleeps away his entire Sunday. He probably does that every week and it’s what he did yesterday which caused him to miss it after assuring the host and guest of honor that he would be there. Seems a little odd for a 29 year old to be doing that… You know he must be charming and all that good stuff for me to have been attracted to him, because everything that I just described is so unattractive. :)
    I was talking to my cousin who knows all about what happened with him and probably understood the most (aside from you) as he was always interested in psychology and has read a lot about famous serial killers. He mentioned that my ex reminded him of Ted Bundy without the killings. I read Bundy’s wikipedia last night and so much of it sounded like my ex. The manipulation, the way in which he discarded his girlfriend by stonewalling, his intelligence yet very risky behavior, his heavy drinking ect. Bundy was described as a changeling, having the ability to slightly change his facial hair or expression which made him look like a completely different person. There are pictures of him where it’s hard to tell that it’s actually Bundy. My ex has this same trait. I also believe my ex altered his appearance as he went through the different stages with women. I remember walking in his room to find it was immaculate, he had cleaned and organized every inch. He had also grown a beard. The next day is when I found out he had been seeing a new woman, all that new behavior was for her. To help lure her. His room looked the same way in the beginning with me but by the end it was so disorganized and messy. Clean clothes strewn across the bedroom and bathroom floor. I always excused it because he was busy working two jobs. Anyway, Bundy also transformed in front of people, his aunt and a police officer both noted that he had episodes where he had almost a complete body, facial and personality metamorphosis. A complete personality change. I remembered waking up one morning looking over at my P and he was starring at me with these dagger eyes, they were filled with evil. He didn’t say anything, nothing had happened to make him mad. It was like he was a different person. I changed my clothes, kissed him and left. It was bizarre. There was no reaction from him other than that dead, evil stare. Throughout this entire ordeal of my cognitive dissonance, I’ve always clung to the fact that he had the predator stare down from the first time he layed eyes on me. I would catch him starring and smiling, he also maintained the strongest eye contact I’ve ever seen, something I could never reciprocate. As the relationship progressed I saw his eyes change to evil, souless starring tools and it was frightening and perplexing. Bundy’s wikipedia picture looks exactly like my ex. The stare he has is Peter all the way. Toward the end of our relationship P didn’t trust me and as I defended myself by exclaiming that he knew me, that he should trust me, he turned his head, gave me that evil, dark stare and asked, “do you know me?” I answered that I had thought I did and he told me that was a good answer. Basically indicating that I didn’t know him at all. The day before I caught him with the other girl he was trying to get me to have sex with him, I was refusing but in a casual, playful way as to not make an issue. He was on top of me, he suddenly raised his head and gave me that evil stare, it was like he was trying to use his eyes to coerce me into having sex with him. Remembering his countless stares with oddly matched grins and then the evil ones too, they’ve helped me to realize exactly what he is. Sorry about the book I just wrote, just in a writing mood I suppose! :)

    1. Admin

      I didn’t know any of that about Bundy. Very, very interesting! One day the P I knew morphed into a completely different person, and I claimed sudden “abdominal illness” and ushered him out the door fast as I could. He looked different, spoke different, acted different… to the point where I didn’t know who the guy sitting on my couch was. It still gives me a cold chill. That was near the end.

      Good thing he wasn’t at the party. He definitely sounds like someone to stay away from, Asheley. Thank you for the update!

  16. Asheley

    Admin, did your P do odd things with his eyes throughout your relationship? Did he stare a lot in a good or bad way? Mine used his eyes as tools to get what he wanted or to show his true thoughts. They were definitely windows into his “soul.”

    1. Admin

      His eyes twinkled with warmth when he smiled. He could lock my gaze onto his for hours at a time; it was if there were a physical connection between our eyeballs. My eyes were red and would hurt from dryness afterward — I probably didn’t blink often enough. Twice I saw the light go out in his eyes. They were flat and dead. I was a hospice nurse, and when I say his eyes were dead, I mean dead. Both of those times (which lasted all of 10 or 20 seconds) he came across as a pure predator, and both of those times I felt in my gut it was genuine; it was he real him. That was right near the end and he didn’t care to hide it any more. His voice was as flat as his eyes and his face was slack and expressionless. It was, by far, the most chilling thing I have ever witnessed. They can control it, though. I believe he showed me because he chose to. They let it show when they want to intimidate or drive someone away or just have a bit of fun. He was 65, significantly older than yours. They develop more control as they age and get even better at their game.

    2. merijoe

      It always bothered me that his facial affect was flat-no expression-he never showed any emotions, even when he said he was happy-he didn’t appear happy anytime-he seemed robotic; he didn’t decorate for the holidays, the only emotion I ever heard or saw was anger. One time he kind of choked up when he talked of a boy who thanked him in appreciation, but that was in the early days of our encounter, he is 50 years old.

      1. Admin

        Wow, that instantly brought to mind Gary Ridgeway, the green river killer… his affect was very flat, except for unpredictable outbursts of anger.

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