Image courtesy of Alice Popkorn. CC Some Rights Reserved
I’ve wanted to write a post
about female psychopaths for a while now, but each time I rolled up my sleeves and set out to find out the facts about them, I became frustrated. All I could find was a lot of conflicting information. Many experts say there are fewer female psychopaths than males… but some estimate there might actually be more. Some say they present differently. Others say the Psychopathy Checklist, considered a gold-standard test to measure psychopathy, is not accurate when used to evaluate females. There’s even a theory that women diagnosed with other psychological disorders may actually be psychopathic.
(UPDATE: I just came across the website of Rhonda Freeman, PhD, a neuropsychologist, and it has plenty of information about female psychopaths. This author is knowledgeable and compassionate, and she understands that “contrary to popular belief, the prevalence rate of males victimized by women in relationships is high.” Please check out Neuroinstincts: Men’s Corner)
In the article, “Female Psychopaths: Are there more than we think?” Joni E. Johnston, Psy.D, wrote “…new research suggests that some of the difference between men and women may not be in the existence of deceitful, manipulative, and exploitive personality traits but in the expression of them. Specifically, these researchers found that women may be more likely to express these personality deficits through behaviors that are typically associated with, and diagnosed as, other mental illnesses. For example, these researchers found overlap between some of the symptoms such as histrionic personality disorder or borderline personality disorder. A woman whose extreme fear of abandonment leads her to periodic outbursts of rage over real or imagined transgressions, flips between seeing her significant other as either completely perfect or totally evil, or who has to constantly be the center of attention certainly isn’t who we think of when we think of the classic psychopath. But she may be just as incapable of true empathy, and just as manipulative and deceitful, as the callous, unemotional male.”
Drs. Hare and Babiak discussed female psychopaths in their book, Snakes In Suits:
“Why aren’t there any female psychopaths,” an interviewer asked one of the authors. The fact that she could ask such a question reflects a curious wrinkle on sexism: the view, held by many people, that relatively few female psychopaths exists in society – or even prisons –and that those who do exist differ in fundamental ways from their male counterparts.
The issue is clouded by sex-role biases in the diagnosis of the disorder. Thus, when a female and a male each exhibit a psychopathic pattern of core personality traits – grandiose, egocentric, selfish, irresponsible, manipulative, deceitful, emotionally shallow, callous, and lacking in empathy, remorse, and guilt – a clinician will often diagnose the male as a psychopath (or with antisocial personality disorder) and the female as something else, usually histrionic or narcissistic personality disorder.
In each case the clinician’s diagnosis is influenced by expectations of how psychopaths should behave. That is, the clinician expects psychopaths to be tough, dominant, and aggressive, and a woman who does not project these characteristics therefore is not a psychopath. What the clinician fails to understand is that the behaviors of male and female psychopaths, like those of most other people, are shaped by the sex-role stereotypes cultivated by society. The same underlying personality structure may find different behavioral and social expression.
Although the process of socialization fails to embed in the network of inner controls we refer to collectively as conscience, it nevertheless makes them aware of society’s expectations about sex-roles, of what is expected of them as men and women. More than most people, they effectively use these expectations as potent tools for manipulation. So a female psychopath might make full use of the passive, warm, nurturing, and dependent sex-role stereotype in order to get what she wants out of others…”
Men who have been involved with psychopathic females describe them best. From what they say, male and female psychopaths are remarkably similar: They charm, they lovebomb, they declare true love early on. Behind the mask they are the same–cold-hearted, callous, lacking empathy, self-centered, manipulative–and the damage they inflict is identical.
Here are the experiences of men who have been victimized, in their own words. The following are all comments from readers of this website.
♦
“I now know that I was the victim of a Psychopath. I am a man recently divorced and dealing with depression which has left me pretty vulnerable and open to abuse. I met this new woman on a night out and ended up back at her place that night on her insistence. She is a very confident, charming, intelligent and beautiful woman who had no problems socializing or reeling me in with her patter. The new ‘relationship’ lasted just over two intense weeks where I found myself smothered with affection, adoration and intense sex. My ‘great qualities’ were many and she was ‘falling’ for me so easily that I missed the initial red flags, until one night something clicked in my head and nothing made sense. Everything about her became improbable and her stories sounded more and more exaggerated. Red flags were popping up everywhere and her intimate behavior and demeanor was starting to make me feel really unsettled, although I tried to ignore it.
The Love Bombing, triangulation, the way she talked intimately about her past and other people so quickly, the questioning about my exes, her behavior out of context, etc. It was all there. I believe she saw a little of the turmoil in my head so she embarked on a new course of action to end the relationship, blaming her crazy ex for throwing a wrench in the works. At the end of a long and ‘deep’ final conversation she acted so coldly and behaved so unconcerned in comparison to her words, and I knew I had been duped. Now I feel emotionally raped and unsettled. I am now questioning my own sanity and feel so upset that I have allowed this to happen to me just when I thought I was getting over my marriage breaking up. It sounds crazy that a two-week thing could be so intense and wrong, but it was. Women are just as capable of being psychopaths as are men…”
♦
♦
“I think my wife is a psychopath. I live in fear of going to jail, and of being heartbroken. She lies about me constantly. Since we’ve been married, every time we fight she becomes blind with rage. Very abusive verbally and physically. With as many excuses as you can think of to do so. I have a very strong feeling she is sexist as well. Whenever she doesn’t ‘get her way’ she calls my family, her relatives, the police, our neighbors… anyone that she can think of to create incredibly awkward and manipulative situations for me to look like I’m either doing something I’m not or being someone I’m not. I feel like I don’t have any strength to leave her because I care about her. And because marriage is an important thing to me. But I’m just so desperately miserable. I mask it with music in my life… but I don’t know how to live like this and be happy.”
♦
“My problem at this stage isn’t understanding what happened so much as understanding why someone who I thought was lifelong companion would do it? And worst of all, where do I go from here? HOW do I go from here? I’m still reeling from this. I can’t even believe it happened, let alone move on.”
♦
“I still can’t believe it happened to me. My wife did so much harm I would bet most people who knew her on the surface wouldn’t believe me. They would think I was jaded and mad because she discarded me, which I am. However, I would take a dozen polygraphs to state my case and clear up any misconceptions…
And this was — and is — a woman I love! How screwed up is that? I don’t think she would spit on me if my hair were on fire! That’s the hold she has. I know it’s psychological and makes no sense. Yet that’s the truth. I miss the ideal I had in my head, not the many more times of emasculating, criticizing, lying, and gaslighting…”
♦
♦
“I’ve just recently been attacked by a psychopath. We met many years ago and were great friends right off. We reconnected a little over a year ago some 25 years later. It was a long distance relationship where we saw each other every other weekend. This woman was my soul mate. Those words flowed often. We were so in tune with one another. Yes, the sex was over the top… magnificent! We would take out-of-town trips and go to concerts. She was spontaneous, free spirited, fun, sometimes ditzy, but she had a dark side — she loves skeletons and psychological thrillers, mostly. She was into self help books, which now seems so odd as she was the picture-perfect presentation of love and caring. One of her favorite lines when writing or describing herself is ‘in loving kindness.’ But her real game is heartbreak. Like a serpent, she wound herself around every emotion and weakness I have. At the perfect moment, she cut me loose with no good reason. I hit the bottom hard and almost immediately afterwards, had a loaded pistol to my head. The pain was unbearable! Fortunately, I was able to apply some reasoning and delay my demise. About 2 weeks later after trying to sort through this, it dawned on me what I may be dealing with. Thanks to websites like this, I have no doubt that this woman is a full-blown psychopath. The pain is gone as I now know what happened. The bad thing is, the next man might not be as insightful.”
♦
♦
“I ran into a woman who is just for herself. She met me, used me, borrowed money, moved into my house, stole my money, and when I asked her to leave she moved out and went to police and charged me with mischief and assault. I am 58 years old and may end up in jail because I fell in love and felt sorry for her not having any place or anyone to help her.”
♦
“I’ve spent the weekend trying to reconnect with relatives (I had to go back three years in e-mail to find a phone number) and I found out that two months ago, when I was discarded, my ex called my sister-in-law to secretly tell her that she was leaving because I had been verbally abusive to her and she wanted to protect my daughter! She even prefaced it with saying that she should hear it from me instead of her, and to please not tell me that she told her and to wait for me to contact them… really? So my family has known for 2 months, been told I abused her, and hasn’t reached out to me because she asked them not to?
… The pain of betrayal is unbearable. Even with learning all I have, I am completely bewildered….
My relative told me I should seek legal advice and begin documenting everything. I told her. I was scared to death to have her find out I was doing that. I feel completely defenseless against her. I feel powerless against her tactics and feel that anything I say or do is going to play into whatever her next sick plan is. I’ve been destroyed as a man and as a human being, and I don’t think she’s done yet.”
♦
♦
“I feel completely alone, discarded, with all the strengths that made me who I was defeated. I keep reminding myself of a saying I once heard, that bravery is not acting without fear — bravery is acting when you are afraid.
Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe, like the walls are closing in… I found the courage to tell her I didn’t feel I was being treated fairly (emotionally, love, compassion, consideration, etc.) and she needed to decide if she really wanted to be with me. Of course, I suffered the usual wrath that I knew would follow, about how invalid my thoughts and feelings were and how it was all my fault… She had proven over the years she had no capacity for empathy (even once saying her brain was wired differently from mine). Even knowing she would never feel any compassion for where she’s left me, I can’t stop thinking how could she do this? Doesn’t she know what she’s doing to me, to us, to our daughter? I know the answer, and now I’m beginning to understand why, but it doesn’t help at all with this searing pain of loss and of being discarded.
It’s embarrassing to even speak about, and I know I’ll be put under a microscope to even suggest that I might have been abused, since I am the man in the relationship. I had mentioned to her several times over the years I felt I was being emotionally abused and she would roll on the floor laughing hysterically at me, saying something to the effect that I was a wimp to even say it, since I was the man, and a woman can’t abuse a man.
Nearly every article I’ve read on this has described my relationship with her exactly, right to the part where I feel like no one is going to believe me. I left the dream job I had worked toward for twenty years, one year after meeting her. I’ve bought three houses up and down the east coast, had five different jobs, and my finances are destroyed. All, I thought, because I loved her so much it was my job to do what would make her happy. Now, six years from being eligible for retirement, I will begin paying child support and won’t be the normal ‘Daddy’ I thought I was going to be. A decision made for me.”
♦
“She told me the first week we began our ‘love’ affair that she wanted me to father her children, that she wanted a daughter. She wanted to take care of me when I got old, told me I would never be alone again, and said she would never leave me. At least I know now this was the ‘love-bombing’ phase. I kept hoping that once-in-a-lifetime love I had would return one day, but it never did. Literally overnight, when the love-bombing ended, I asked what was going on and her response was ‘the relationship has progressed.’”
♦
♦
“When she was married to her first husband she initiated contact with me (I was the friend of a friend), confided how she had been abused, and said she really connected with me. I was her soul-mate, her savior. I swore I never would be involved with a married woman, but she made me believe we were meant to be together. She said so many things that left me in shock, like I was a character in a movie where my deepest fantasies of finding my true love were unfolding. I was absolutely convinced. I’m a warm, loving, nurturing person by nature. I was physically and emotionally strong before we met. I was in touch with my feelings and confident in my capacity to respect the feelings of others. I’m now an emotional train wreck, with numerous stress related illness and completely isolated from my old social support network. I feel ashamed that I couldn’t stop it, and my self-esteem is long gone.
I’m certain she is telling her friends and family that she is getting out of an abusive relationship, the same thing she told everyone when she sought me out while she was still married to and living with her first husband. She was physically abusive in the beginning and rationalized it as the result of her abusive relationship with her husband. The physical things stopped (grabbing me by the ear and yelling into the side of my head, etc.), but the tirades never did. I thought I was the strong man, there to let her vent and heal, and that she needed compassion for the hell she had been through, which I doubt now was even close to the stories she told. I’m embarrassed to speak of this to anyone and I don’t know where to go.
I have a hard time ever asking for help, and now I feel like I have to justify myself to even ask. The number of incidents of cold, callous behavior would fill a novel. I just really needed to tell it to someone…”
♦
“My life has been completely ruined several times. At 54, I am having to have faith that somehow I can start again after psychopaths have stolen everything from me that I worked so hard to create: an emotional healthy attitude and financial wealth… If I gave the details, anyone with any knowledge would know I have lived a living hell. I find it hard to trust anyone anymore, or function, though I must and I am worried because I am tired and breaking down physically. I have to pray that I don’t become homeless and starving because with the zeitgeist of our time, it’s likely.”
♦
♦
“I started dating a sociopath a little more than two years ago, the summer when I was 18 and she was 17. We met through a mutual friend, and she rushed the relationship while I wanted to take it slow. For the longest time I considered that one of the best summers of my life because of how euphoric she made it all out to be. I stopped hanging out with pretty much all of my friends and started neglecting my family, all the while just spending more and more time with her.
Then I started college at a university about an hour and a half away from where I live, and she started her senior year of high school. What I didn’t know was she had already reeled me in. Things were fine at first, we thought we could make it work for a year until she graduated. But everything changed about midway through the semester. She became distant, and never wanted to talk anymore. But I had been home to see her every damn weekend and most Wednesdays we met in between to eat and do other things. She blamed me for our relationship being so awful. She said it was my fault we were so far apart because I went to a school an hour and a half away, when there was a community college I could be going to about 30 minutes from where she lived. I tried to explain to her I made the decision to go there months before I even met her. She didn’t care.
I would finally make it home for the weekend and then things would be fine. Until Sunday night. When it was time for me to leave she would cry and pitch fits, not letting me leave until 1 AM or later, with an hour and a half drive to my dorm and an 8 AM class. She didn’t care. It was all about her.
Then her crying and sobbing on Sunday nights got worse. She began to start fights and try to leave me over stupid things, but because she knew how much I cared for her she knew I wouldn’t leave until I ‘fixed things’, which involved sitting there telling her how amazing she was and how ugly, stupid, and annoying any girl I had ever been with in my past was.
During the week, all I did was lay in my dorm and wait for her to call. I pretty much had two friends my whole freshman year of college: my roommate, and a cousin who lived in the area. This was strange for me because in high school I was a very sociable person. (I played varsity football, basketball, and baseball, and received an academic scholarship to the university I attend). She completely changed who I was. I hated myself but I loved her. I had no idea there were people like her in the world.
My dad finally intervened the summer after my freshman year. He told me he would kick me out and never help me out financially again unless I ended it with her. I knew he was right, but I just couldn’t explain the hurt I felt when I tried to leave her. He and the rest of my friends and family just could NOT understand. I finally left her. I went into a rampant alcoholic stage, at the age of 19. Things started to get better and I started getting off the bottle until (at this point it had been about four months since I had talked to or seen her) we got back in contact. What a stupid and life changing mistake that was!
We dated in secret until February of this year, until I found a strong core of new friends who helped me end it. She had actually taken an attempt at my life, which just totally blew my mind. I realized she was mentally sick and un-healable. I told my dad of our secrecy and he was pretty pissed, but he understood. I was finally done with her for good.
Until she came to me a month later with a signed piece of paper from a doctor saying she was 2 months pregnant. I said, ‘I thought you said you were on the pill!! What the hell?! How did this happen?’
‘I lied,’ she said.
Such a simple yet life changing statement.
My daughter is almost a month old now. I am still not with her, and she is engaged to some other poor soul now. We are about to start an extreme custody battle. I feel like I’ve been through the hell of a lifetime, but the hell has only just began. It’s just so much to handle, yet I do my best to stay positive. How can I deal with all this? And by the way, I’m 20 now and still in college. So I’m cursed to make that Godforsaken drive every other weekend to see my little girl, and I’ll have to see the sociopath who changed my life…”
♦
♦
“There are an equal amount of female psychopaths out there as male ones. Females tend to fly under society’s radar as they are less likely to commit criminal offences, just moral ones. I have two children with a female psychopath who has used as tools to dismantle my life and my soul, and she greatly enjoyed herself in the process. This enjoyment of cruelty is the hard fact to come to terms with, and it baffles us all.
They are very good at creating a good impression of themselves and portraying their victim as the real culprit. This is what really gets me. I’ve been in hell and everybody thinks I’m the monster… except a few who have had experience themselves.”
♦
“I never knew such a thing as emotional rape existed until my relationship with a sociopath ended. We were only together for two years but the constant onslaught of lies, deceit, emotional swings, lack of reciprocity, and personality shifts turned things sour in a real hurry. I was always at fault because I would react to being lied to or saw a lack of reciprocity. I’ve had the police called on me for no reason twice, almost had my vehicle stolen and house seized. You don’t realize what’s happening in this scenario because you love this person so much and will take any and all abuse to try and maintain the relationship. We’ve been apart for a month and I’m just starting to see and feel the ill effects of this toxic relationship. I have trouble sleeping, night sweats, severe anxiety, and an overt lack of a sense of self. I was used in every imaginable way, and now I feel like I’ve been robbed of my person, my soul, my mind, and my being. To make matters worse, she has her masters in psychology…
… May God have mercy on that woman’s soul.”
♦
I am a man, 47 years old. My sister is the first one to share this site with me. She came to me one day and said “you need to read this, it’s exactly what you are experiencing.” I glanced at briefly and agreed, yet with hesitation. I even tried to talk to my partner of 2 Years about it. Big mistake. It was only after the final and unbelievable blow that changed who I am forever. At least it felt at the time.
It’s only been about 6 months now, but I was so appalled at the relationship that I was able to recover slightly prior to the end and the understanding of what was going on. Some of the things that were done to my entire existence I cannot explain in detail without falling back into a place where I never want to be again. I am finally to the point where I can read most of the sections of the site without falling apart completely.
I cannot speak for anyone but my own experience and say that I have experienced almost every exact form of feelings and some of the actions. Validation was the toughest part for me, because no one believed what I was saying and explaining even with physical evidence and hard proof. I was accused of paranoid delusions, and many other things trying to get support and validation from anyone. I found that they would deny the possibilities and even felt as though, even after saying they despised her for what she did to me, they seemed to have her side, many would still blame me for staying, putting up with it, and continuing to stay in the relationship. That for the most part ended long before I accepted it.
Yet she would have me back just to take more of my life, my finances, my heart and soul. I could not believe nor wrap my head around that type of thinking. What I found to be the truth was so unbelievable, but 100% factual based on hard proof, I had a very difficult time with it. I have never experienced a true to the text book exact definition of psychopath as described on this website. I was torn down, beaten down, taken for granted to a laughable level, completely used and abused at any cost even to the point it started to appear deliberate to destroy every aspect of my life. It was so horrific, in the sense that she should literally be imprisoned for some of my discoveries, the invasion of privacy, the hacking and exploitations, and the infiltrations of every aspect of my life. Yet with absolutely no validation from any source, anywhere, especially with any type of knowledge or authority to help.
I so have decided to never pursue any action ever again, literally due to in fear of my life. This site is the only form of relief and recovery I can find refuge in. I am an intelligent, educated professional man, that nearly lost everything including my career over what I thought was the true love of my life and the most beautiful women I have ever laid eyes upon. Not even a wolf in sheeps clothing, but more of what how I would now describe the spawn of Satan wearing the beauty and wings of a heavenly Angel. I am now more self aware and understand more of the betrayal bond and why I stayed far longer than I should have. I have experienced the extreme of emotional rape, and have a much better understanding of cognitive dissonance than ever before.
I try to remain as good of a person as I ever was, just much more aware and guarded than ever before in my entire life and watch for the signs. I am battling with a severe ability to trust currently yet I hope to truly love in my life someday. But if it means experiencing ever again some of the extremities I have and as described perfectly in parts of this site, I would rather forever be alone.
I thank everyone for input and support on this site. I could go on and on and on for 100’s of pages about my experience but I would rather not remember most of it. Even the smallest remaining amounts of what I thought were some of the best times of my life, have since all been almost completely destroyed by the discoveries of the calculated and covert manipulation strategies by her. I loved her with all of my heart, and she knew that, and showed not one tiniest bit of care as she walked away laughing at me left in a pile of rubble in what was left of my life. Yet still blaming me for not giving her my last dollar, my last breath, and my last heartbeat.
I will remain strong, it was the true test and trial of my life as a man on this earth, it shattered to the core of my existence everything important to me in my life in that of morals, values, family, my children.
A final word, I have since slowly but surely started taking back and rebuilding my life, and maintaining the one thing she couldn’t get from me. My integrity. I feel for and love all of you who have experienced even a fraction of what I endured, as now I can finally speak a bit more freely of it, though I chose not too in too much detail, for many reasons. Everyone, please remain strong, you can get through it, as I am struggling to do. There are good people left in this world, though sometimes hard to see through the screens we now look through. But WE ARE HERE. Peace. XmenP
♦
♥ Thank you for reading.
Comments are closed.
“I would like to thank the author for an eye opening experience! This book has clarified more for me than I have ever understood in my entire lifetime.. It doesn’t matter what type of relationship you are in, it can be straight couples, gay couples, relationships between family members, co-workers , any kind of relationship, you must read this book. It will be as if a lightswitch is turned on in your brain and your soul is sitting up and paying attention. To the author, again thank you for opening my eyes.”
Related Posts
Great post, good information. Thanks.
Glad you think so. All the talk about female psychopaths being so rare is nonsense.
All these researchers keep studying criminals. They need to focus on psychopaths out in the community, the ones who destroy so many lives without doing anything considered illegal. They say they have no way to do that, but they could talk to us, the victims of these heartless, soulless creeps. They won’t because we aren’t ‘qualified’ to diagnose. We’re just considered a bunch of hysterical ignorant morons. What a bunch of crap that is! We were up close and personal with them for months or years, unlike these researchers who are stuck in their rarefied ivory academic towers and who have probably never actually met a psychopath. It’s not even a diagnosis? BullFreakingCrap! Pisses me off big time. BIG TIME.
I hear you Greg, and I feel the same way!
I agree also. Dr. Tara Palmontia says that there is no better “expert” in identifying a disordered person than their significant other. I wish the pompous academia and courts would recognize that fact.
Yes, the pompous academia! we don’t have a degree, and therefore we are invalidated and dismissed. That’s one of the reasons why they know so little.
True words! Let’s keep our faith and don’t give up.
Don’t give up, Dawid. There are plenty of good women out there.
I was married to a psychopathic woman for 8.5 years and we were together for exactly 16 years at the time of our parting ways. We were high school sweethearts who went to college together and got married a year after college. Our relationship up until that point was shaky at best. She was always mad and flying off the handle. When she drank, it got worse. Over the years it escalated to her striking me with am open hand. Most of the time I could deflect them. The final straw was the night she took a swing at me with a cast iron skillet. I ducked at the right moment and it hit my shoulder. I grabbed my wallet and keys and left. No more would I be emotionally and physically abused. It took me years to heal the emotional wounds she left on me and in some ways even after 30 years they are still under the surface. Women can be just as crazy if nt more than men!
“no more would I be emotionally and physically abused.”
It can take a lot to get to that point, but once we do–there is no going back! Best wishes to you.
Oh Admin, I never told you that I (the female) who dated a psychopath (male) at the same time was entangled with a female co-worker who was a pyschopath. As I put the pieces together, (because she thrived on seeing me hurt by my psychopath, and thrived sharing her reckless life with me) I realized what I was dealing with at work and in my personal life. And she is not horrible (cold though) at work, but she used me to talk about her constant drama in her personal life. After hearing about it, and after she exploited me at work; that so called friendship ended.
What’s interesting is both the male and female pyschopath claimed to be abused (physically, emotionally and sexually) by their father; which ofcourse is a lie to be used as an excuse for their horrid behavior.
They are all over; males and females.
Anyway, good article. And to the men out there, please know there are plenty of good loving woman out there so keep looking.
Thanks!
Yep, they’re all over. I’ve had several rotten co-workers, and also ‘friends’ who lived to hear of anything that went wrong in my life, and to invalidate anything good. I don’t know if they were psychopaths, but whatever they were, they were cold and lacked empathy.
Great article. Thank you.
I have a child whose father is a psychopath who is now with a
narcissist. I’m scared of the damage this combination will do
to a young mind. Do you have any information on how the
relationship between these disordered people generally
develops? Do they stay together for years or is the relationship
so dramatic that they quickly tire of each other?
Let’s see…a psychopath and a narcissist…that sounds like a match made in hell.
Psychopaths despise narcissists, even more than they despise everyone else. I heard one say that they see a narcissist as someone who loves to abuse and humiliate others but who is even more vulnerable to those things themselves, and this really inspires the psychopath’s contempt for some reason.
Narcissists need to put the other person in the inferior role in order to gain their narcissistic supply, something that will never happen with a psychopath.
I think this is a relationship that won’t last long. I would think it would be dramatic and short-lived.
All the best to you and your child!
HALLELUJAH !
LONG WAITED MESSIAH HAS ARRIVED FOR ALL HUMANITY MALE & FEMALE !
i cant wait to receive your each new email. You are doing a great service to humanity! No where else we are being told the truth about Psychopaths not in Churches , Schools, Medical field nowhere but here in your emails , everyone of your emails right to the point not fragmented yet synchronized , harmonized insights, they are actionable , real life, empirical information. This most valuable information empowers and enriches all of your readers life & prevents future calamaties & stops us with fight with ourselves & past mistakes. The whole world suffers Psychopaths actions to some degree. It’s every human beings daily life experience for this reason i think the knowledge of recognizing them and kindly staying away from them is winning the half of the battle in every ones life. Because as you say, they are constant student of human weaknesses and in our next weakness we get into another costly entanglement with them.
Growing up with a female Psychopath sister/girlfriends & a bully mother. i hated woman, mind you i am female. My father is a very sweet & innocent person. So because of that i taught that most women are evil & all of the men are innocent. This thinking made me see all man as angels, BLINDLY! so i dated almost every shade of male Psychopaths each one them about more then one round. In the process I lost everything i worked very hard & long for, my life was in danger too & i lost a lot of priceless intangibles as well. i’ve come to realization that Psychopaths has no gender, nationality , religion or age.
I’ve been studying/practicing :( Psychopaths for about 10 years & full time last 5 years. Since i started to read your Blog & emails about 6 months ago, everything i have been reading & experiencing clearyfied for me, the entire human interactions on all levels. I can spot a psychopath from distance now from their cloths, smoothness, mannerism, buzz words that they use. i know i will never be 100% immune! I am 37 and first time in my life i felt & had the confidence to settle down with someone after i started reading your emails. i trust my instincts & choices now. I now can trust a nice man instead of generalizing him as bad. i now have confidence in being happy in romance other aspects of my life . It is sad to see many wonderful people unconciensly try to become one of them to protect them selves from them, including my self.
in my humble opinion knowing & continiusly studying them as they continiusly study us & our weaknesses is the most important knowledge. Knowing them throughly is 49% of the situation & other 51 % comes from what makes us a target or what attracts them to us & what to do to even deter their attention away from us before even starts. i think i am one of their favorite targets :(. i am dying to know your insights.
i am also pleasantly surprised about the contemplations & gems of yours. This subject of study has been the most rewarding one for me. i think about this subject all day everyday & when, finally student( me )was ready Missiah( you ) has showed up about 6 months ago. i ve been happier, more successful in all aspect of my life, more at peace with the world as it is. i believe anyone who doesn’t master this subject will fall back, just like in Myth of Syphsus as they go higher in life. Because these Psychopaths searching for us in every corner ESPECIALLY THE MORE SUCCESSFULL WE ARE & THERE IS NO WAY AROUND IT. THEY WILL TRIP US UP RIGHT BACK DOWN!
WORLDS ARE NOT ENOUGH TO EXPLAIN MY GRATITUDE!
LOVE,
YOUR MOST DEVOTED PUPIL/FOLLOWER
ps. sorry for the typos right click doesnt work also ESL
Hi Janes. Wow, I’m at a loss for words (which apparently doesn’t happen too often!). Thank you, thank you, thank you. You made my day.
But I must say that you and other readers who find help and hope here have helped ME even more. When I had no support, when no one understood, you did, and it made all the difference in the world. And then some. It still does, every day. Thank you, with all of my heart <3
I so agree with what these male victims have to say. Do I have to mention my mother again? Have been working with many wierdos in medical and commercial field. Have had my experience with female Ps, Ns and other disordered in a fanclub of a famous singer. I can understand also many gay man who cannot see a woman or have a woman in their life.
When learning about domestic violence I found so many descriptions there that match and even confirm my experiences.
If you follow the saying “man think/act with their brain and woman with their emotions” you will never be able to see the differences. I know so many man who are sensitive, loving, emotional and good persons and, on the other hand, so many woman who a cold, who have no feelings, who have no empathy and who are evil. I know that many professionals would not agree with me using the term “evil”. I do not reffer to the religious meaning of the term. These professionals should rather clean up their mess in their psychological bible, instead to complain about me using this “non-academic” term.
Regarding these statistics – there are more man P than woman – can be used parhaps for the prison population, which again differ from the area of the world, county or town. You cannot use that statistics for the general population. On the ASPF (The Aftermath Foundation) page you can read what they write about these statistics. Additionally, psychopathy develops equally in man and woman. It is the very same genetical condition. In the end, you cannot use the MMPI or any other related questionair to asses psychopathy. Their keywords used by diagnosing a specific disorder are not very usefull, especially the use of 3 out of 5 or out of 10 traits to diagnose a person. A person who exposes 3 narcissistic traits (or at least what professionals label as narcissistic) is only a labeling of a person and not a true measure to asses a disorder.
I agree, the statistics and tests don’t mean much, because no one knows how to go about finding or evaluating the P’s out here in everyday life. So it’s every man and woman for his or herself. Unfortunately, we don’t find out until it’s already too late. And some people never realize the truth of what happened, and those are the ones I feel most sorry for. The truth will set you free. It’s what makes all the difference. It still takes time, but ultimately that’s what frees us.
Yes, that’s true. As Gandhi said: “Truth is by nature self-evident. As soon as you remove the cobwebs of ignorance that surround it, it shines clear.”
Have you heard back from Michael? I hope he’s still umong us.
I wish we could know we have those ‘cobwebs of ignorance’ before we remove them! It’s like not realizing how dirty a window was until it’s cleaned.
I’ve never heard back from him. I hope he is, too.
I have just finally realized I had 2 Ps in my life. I really liked my girlfriend and have known her 30 yrs. always knew there was a problem but didn’t want to let go of the excitement she brought into my life. she just seemed fun and had a lot of the same interests as me. I tried to ignore or take it as a flattery when she copied my clothes or cars. but there was always a cutting edge to her. she would put me down under the guise that it was what her husband said. that kept me at odds with her husband. just recently while going though my trauma of my male P and all the reading I was doing that I realized my friend had to be no contact as well. at the same time a mutual friend told me she was repeating stories of my life word for word, except she was saying them as if they happened to her! of coarse this realization is not as hard at all to take as the romantic P. this was just a learning lesson that a P can come in many forms.
P’s can come in many forms. I didn’t wake up to the whole thing until my ex-P blew my world apart. It took something really awful for me to finally get it. Ironically, a year before he came into my life I cut off a relationship with a long-time female ‘friend’ who I’m now sure was a P. I secretly called her ‘The Bulldozer,’ because I always felt somehow ‘bulldozed’ after speaking with her or spending time with her. The last straw was when my dad died and her response was “So what — he was just an old man.”
i think starting a dating site P free & possibly N free is a great idea. As long as its advertised & marketed very agressively to wide audience since you have the backround on how to identify & deal with with Ps. i think there is tremendus demand for it. i ve been a enterpanuer my self for about 20 years. Go For It & See Where things Take You. i bet you felt similar before you started this blog. i am single & i can be the first subscriber! i bet that there will a great many high quality man.
I ALSO WISH YOU A LOT OF COMMERCIAL SUCCESS FOR YOUR ENLIGHTMENT OF THE PEOPLE WHO ARE IN MOST NEED. WHAT YOU ARE DOING IS A LOT OF WORK. JUST LIKE OPRAH !
IN THE END WE ALL ARE SEARCHING FOR A TRUE LOVE ALL THE TIME.
looking forward to seeing the first germination of your idea soon!
I would have to hire Dr. Hare to interrogate all the applicants, but even he said he can’t tell who is a psychopath. Until there’s some sort of definitive scan or genetic test, I’ll have to put my project on a shelf. I’m sure there are many high-quality men out there, too…but where are they? Hello?
This blog was actually very easy to start. I never thought anyone would ever find it, and at that time it didn’t cost a penny. I was just recording my insights for posterity, sort of like how they send artifacts up in a space capsule, just in case some distant civilization finds it someday. But thank you for your vote of confidence! :-) Much appreciated!
I have read similar things on Shrink4men.com, and have been counseled by Dr.T over the phone. Paid for by the now Ex husband of my son’s Psychopath, Narcissist, BPD, whatever you want to call it. This is long. I will start by saying that all of this is incredibly exaggerated by my son’s use of drugs. Bringing him up was not an easy task with a high IQ and ADD. In his teens he started out with pot, but lived a very successful high functioning life. It was always his way of dealing with pain and those things that caused him stress. Not something I agreed with at all, but just facts. He has been through treatment I don’t know how many times. Then he married a Narc, had two kids whom he adored, and was an excellent Dad, even when she left him for another guy he remained immersed in their lives. About 8 yrs ago he met the GF (girlfriend). There were a few red flags early on, then some really strange things began happening, like breakups and returns pretty regularly. I was concerned and I questioned him about why it was happening, but he blamed himself. They took the kids and went to camp at the beach 150 miles away, in her car because it was bigger. He called and asked me to come and get him and the gear and the kids because she had gotten mad and left him stranded there. Later I learned it wasn’t the first time. Many time things were said and believed and later the opposite was revealed, yet it was me who got it wrong. His sister, his best friend, also was concerned about her brother who went in and out of the deep pit when the breakups happened, and back to euphoria when it was restored. More and more red flags, and more and more concerns. His relationship with his kids suffered as she took precedence over them. She had to be the center of attention. He sings lead in a band, which puts that at odds with her needs yet puts her in the spotlight by being the GF. She would call him at work and scream at him for hours. Not good for work. I heard it happen once, when I stopped by to see how he was (another incident with his sister had triggered my visit and I lived close by). Long rambling sometimes incoherent e-mails were sent to me and his sister and his EX wife by the GF. She admitted to setting everything aside when she met him,, to study him. I tried to remain neutral in all things and try to keep my nose out of his business, but he would stop in and cry on my shoulder, or want me to invite her over for family stuff, and by then I was not feeling comfortable doing that. Whatever I did or didn’t do, or say or look at, or whatever, would then be used against me and him or his kids. It all became a nightmare. Often his sister and I would question if we were making more of things or misconstruing what was happening than was real. Lots of second guessing. The term I would use now is gaslighting. He became very very angry, and unsocial, his friends tried to talk to him, his friends in the band tried to help him, he lost jobs, got new ones, lost them, used more and more drugs to deal with all of what I now know was going on in his life. Yet he adored her and she could do no wrong. He was to blame, or we were.
They never moved in together, when they met, her second husband had just walked out, (after 3 warnings I learned later) (he read the book “Walking On Eggshells” which alerted him to the way he was living. They have a son together and were married 10 years. I now know the hell he went through with her and the affairs, and the money, and the abuse he endured. ) Then after about 5 years she abruptly married another victim, (for his 6 figure salary) and immediately began the process of planning how to get rid of him yet keep his money. All the time seeing other men (his job kept him away 3 weeks of the month, so she had lots of free time. To read her resume on Linked In one would think she was executive material, but she has only ever been an admin assistant. (Lots of lies and exaggerations there and everywhere) During the time with #3. his sister got a message from him asking for her support for his decision to date her again (he never had stopped but that was his tactic) She refused to do so. She began wondering if she and #3 had gotten a divorce so she looked up court records (they weren’t) and found out that #3 had been arrested for domestic violence and she then got more concerned for her brother. She didn’t tell me she had done this for some months. Finally she contacted #3 and asked to hear his side of the story, got the court records and read them, saw the case had been thrown out, and divorce proceedings were in place now by him. She was convinced he was innocent, now knowing all her brother had been through. #3 was so devastated by what he had been through, it was so obvious in his voice as the story was told. Because of all the gaslighting early on I began keeping copies of e-mails, messages, etc, including stuff on My Space and FB just to keep what was actually going on straight. Along with the court cases, etc, I had two 2″ thick files. Sister thought that some of it would be helpful to #3’s case. So I gave permission for #3 to call me. After conversations with him, and with his encouragement and phone numbers, I even talked to his EX and could have called his brother, sister, and sister in law about what they knew as to #3’s character. His Ex told a story of e-mail she had with the GF, that revealed how the GF planned the Domestic violence. I made my own estimation as to who and what he was. Gone was any more questioning of our motives, or any hesitation as to what we had been seeing, hearing and experiencing for all those years. Still we didn’t try to interfere with his relationship with her, but only understood more fully why he stayed with her through it all, I know more about those behaviors than I ever wanted to know through research, counseling and sites like this. #3 put us in touch with #2 and more and more of the truth came out. Those 10 years with her sounded just like those years with my son only worse because my son didn’t have the money either of the husbands had. But my son was such a patsy for her being able to get her fix of attention and so willing to be used by her so she still clings to him. She couldn’t stop herself from checking our FB friends and found out about the two EX.s One bright Sunday morning, I get a message from him where he sounded so much like her (not unusual as he has taken her thoughts and made them his own, and the things he says can be absolutely traced back to the way she talks and writes.) I was quizzed about why I would have #3 as a friend when he wanted to kill my son, and perhaps my grandkids, etc, etc, etc. All of which I knew was not true. Both Ex’s would have sat down with him and tried to help him see the truth about her, if he would agree to a meeting, but he would not. I was Accused, Threatened, blamed, etc, etc. He is very angry, because his life is a mess and at now 49, he is very unhappy at the way his life is going. Me and his sister are to blame for all of it. I’m to apologize to the GF, bow down and worship her feet, etc. That is an exaggeration of course. Early on I was accused of this and that, and apologized, often not knowing fully what I had done. so I was not about to apologize for nothing any more. It was none of their business who my FB friends are. From then on the blame and all accelerated and got worse, and with the loss of a dear pet, I sunk into a deep depression. I tried everything I knew to mend the relationship, but in the end, I was encouraged to move away, and move I did, over 2000 miles away. Sister also made a move even further away from it all. Once I made the decision to move, the depression lifted and has not come back. I’ve never been there before and never want to go there again, into that deep dark pit. As a widow, I left all of my grandkids and another daughter, who is now caught up in the mess. And all my support group of dear friends. Another friend of ours is trying now to help him again. Just two weeks ago he moved away from all that he has known since 6th grade. About 200 miles away. That is a very BIG thing for him. He is doing physical work which is probably the best kind of work for him , rather than sitting at a desk working on a computer all day, where his jobs have been the last several years. He SAYS he realizes he can never please her because she doesn’t know what she wants (It is a good reason, but not the real one of course) But can he stay away from her? He even changed his phone number, but she is still a FB friend though at the moment he is off FB. I have been blocked so mutual friends tell me what is happening with him now and then. I pray a lot. But I couldn’t be happier with my move and neither is his siste, newly engaged to a great guy. One we have known for 19 years. Tried and true. So that is a Mom’s story. He is truly blind to who and what she is. I do not recognize the fun loving, caring, gregarious, open, friendly man he once was.
Absolutely a nightmare. Unbelievable that you all had to move to get away from this terrible, monstrous woman. But I see a glimmer of hope since your son moved away and changed his number. I will keep my fingers crossed. This is a terrible problem for both men and women, and I’m sorry your son and the entire family had to get caught up in it. Best wishes.
I simply want to thank you for helping spread the word about female psychopaths. They have a tendency to call the police on their victims, I know that from my own situation and from reading many of the quotes here. They really play that card for all it’s worth and ruin lives in the process.
I noticed that, too. It’s an awful thing, and I’m sorry it happened to you!
First of all I wanted to thank you for your book and for this blog. I can’t say it’s been healing (I doubt I will ever heal) but it has been reaffirming to say the least. Twenty three years ago I was working with wolves at a sanctuary called Wolf Park, in northern Indiana. I know, ironic, right? Anyway, I won’t go into detail here but I will tell you I wrote a screenplay about my experience. Only it wasn’t until after I wrote the script that I came across this info on psychopaths and it blew my mind. My script has received validation by finishing in the top 1% of over 5000 scripts entered into one of Hollywood’s largest screenwriting competitions and this has lead to interest shown from several production companies but to date I haven’t yet found any takers. If this sounds like something you might be interested in please contact me at the email address I provided. I would love to get your feedback and to discuss this further.
Again, thank you for everything you do.
It is very ironic!
I’m not a movie producer and I don’t know any, but if you have a website, please send me the link and I’ll post it here. You never know who might be reading this.
Best wishes to you, and best of luck with your project.
What do you want to know?? wife of 30 yrs was a psychopath (verified).died sept 2014. the world is a better place……………………………………………………………………..
There must be quite a story to go along with that, but the way you summed it up speaks volumes in just a few words. All the best to you.
I am curious if anyone can confirm the likelihood that a grown woman who has been exposed to some sort of MKULTRA Monarch programming….if she mimics or has shared traits with a Psychopath. Don’t laugh but after 20 years and being exposed to everything including constant harassment, break ins, death threats, etc etc all having to do with me discovering my ex was a prostitute-call girl(even though at the time I was making good money, I was a working actor). Cats were killed and I believe she had a plan to have me killed as well. No this is not just idle crazzzy talk, I have some documentation claiming her obsession with collecting Life Insurance (from my death and not paying tax on it). My children were stolen, my life destroyed including theft of a production company I was in the process of forming. All signs indicate psychopath but progamming also plays a big part. She also has D.I.D. which my girlfriend has also seen and MY GOD, when you see it, the different personalities, voices, mannerisms, it is very freaky.
Hi, Steve. I’m sorry this woman put you through such hell for 20 years! And I’m terribly sorry she stole your children… I agree completely, all signs point to psychopath. Combined with multiple personalities, I can’t imagine it. Psychopaths can change themselves so drastically that they actually look like a different person (Ted Bundy, for example), but it’s instrumental and controlled. Just a thought.
I don’t know much at all about MKUltra, so I can’t say. Anything is possible. I hope you find the answers you’re looking for. Best wishes to you.
These people are obviously very ill. There has to be a way to report them…very dangerous indeed.
I can identify 4 women off the top of my head, all of whom ruined my work life…watched me have to leave jobs because of their contant badgering, backstabbing, smear campaigns against me. On one job I became so isolated I sat on the top floor of a medical center, in the dark, with just my small lamp…and psycho-babe would walk by at night, checking on me.
Another girl on a job where we worked as childcare counselors (rehabilitation center) watched the kids showering and tried to get me to witness it too. I was horrified. I was too afraid of her to report this activity. When she knew about any guy who had a crush on me, she destroyed the situation as soon as she could, and twice ended up with the guy herself!
Cold…calculating…manipulative…sadistic…all this and more. And these people get away with it.
Babs, this is terrible. I understand, because I worked with similar women. I know what it’s like to have to go to work and spend each day with people whose job it seems is to find ways to make you miserable. I actually became self-employed so I would never have another coworker again. Best thing I ever did. When people say “I couldn’t do it — I’d get too lonely!” I just tell them their coworkers must be a lot better than mine were.
I hope those days are behind you, too.
Thanks, Admin. It helps greatly to have another person validate what we go through…so sorry for you it got that bad. C0-workers have finally become recognized as a definite source of psychopathy…very few good ones left. I did experience the ‘good’ ones, but even some of them soured on me (ok, I am a bit different but lighten up, people!) We are not here to be carbon copies of each other (or digitized images, whatever the term is in today’s world).
In our parents’ world the saying was, “It takes all kinds.”
Thanks, Babs. Validation definitely helps.
I need help. I, personally, have not had to live through the hell of being involved with a psychopath but am currently (trying) to help a friend who has and continues to go through hell with his ex-girlfriend. His ex has left and come back to him three times and each time she leaves, the smear campaigns and other controlling behavior escalates. This time she has gotten a protective order against him, then proceeds to incite him into violating the protective order with promises of love, devotion and other B.S. she is incapable of, then turns him into the police. He has now gone to jail twice and is currently in the process of seeing what happens in the court system regarding these violations. And yet through it all, he constantly obsesses about her, checking social media, posting secret messages and reiterates time after time that he loves her. He admits that she is a psychopath, that she brings nothing to the table and has treated him so poorly that at times he wonders why he wants her so desperately. But can’t seem to even take the first step of no contact. My question is…as his friend, what can I do to help and how can I be supportive when all I want to do is destroy her as thoroughly as she is destroying him? What did you need from your friends when you began your journey? Any help or suggestions would be appreciated. I am at the end of my rope.
Hi, Lori. This really is a serious situation your friend is involved in! It sounds like you’re already very supportive of him and have exhausted everything you know of to do for him. If he knows she’s a psychopath, knows she brings nothing to the relationship, knows she doesn’t love him, and keeps in contact with her despite serious legal trouble, I’m not sure there is anything you can do, short of physically restraining him. He has a life-threatening addiction, no different from someone who is drinking themselves to death. He needs professional help.
Please read this post; it’ll help you understand what your friend is up against: The Cult of Two
At the end of that post, there’s a blurb about a counselor named Steve Hassan. He’s a cult deprogrammer, and he also deprograms people from these destructive “relationships.” Please call him. I have not had any personal experience with him, but I’ve heard he’s very good. He’s regarded highly as an expert in the field.
Freedom of Mind (Steve Hassen)
617-396-4638
My situation was very different from your friend’s, and as I said it already sounds as if you’re doing everything possible. You won’t be able to reason with him, as I’m sure you already know. Does your friend have any family or anyone close to him? He’s very lucky to have you, Lori. I think the best thing you can do is to try to get him some professional help.
I wish you and your friend all the best. Let me know how it goes.
Here’s another one you should read. It describes the addiction aspect that’s happening.
“Intensity or Intimacy?”
Please write book about female psykopaths – it is needed!
How the act, mimic and manipulate.
I know they are androgyn and the the consequences are the same, but the means are different. They are hiding in feminism and taking advantages of gentlemen manners.
And it is not described.
Put all you know in a male perspective just for once.
I don’t believe a man can do it. It’s simply to complicated. Maybe Alon Gratch.
And thanks – these page (and site) was a big help. I’m up running.
Can you explain this:
www.facebook.com/TheRealWTFMagazine/videos/1004163759604187/?pnref=story
I wish I could, Oluf, but I don’t feel I can. I think that’s something to be done by a man who was vitimized. That’s why this article is composed of their words. I just don’t know enough about the differences. If I put all I know into a male perspective, I might be missing something important. I believe a man can do it. Maybe you?
I can’t explain the video (at least the first ten seconds of it, which is all I could take) but it makes me glad I never had kids. Looks like a temper tantrum to me, but one done on purpose.
I’m happy to hear the site has helped you get up and running! Thank you for letting me know. Best wishes to you.
Thanks
The boy of my female psycho was acting like this. It was not my boy. Several times I was trying to calm him down for hours by talking to him and hugging him asking what’s wrong. It didn’t stop before he was exhausted and felt to sleep. Kids are normally not like that. They are at the most fun, charming, open and good company – and make some good conflicts now and then.
The boy of my psycho was able to lie in a way that you could not see it. That’s not normal.
His father a brilliant artist was a suicidal nervous wreck after 15 years non-marriage with the psycho – and at the time I believed that the boy was afraid what should happen to his father – but I had no clue. The father is now dead by cancer. In the beginning I thought that the father was the problem. Now I know he was the victim. She managed that we never met each other.
Today I think the boy is screaming for what he is missing and he don’t now what it is. He has never try a real emotionally relation with the mother. But I am not sure.
Regarding me she could only get half way in why she set up a part time relation 2-3 days a week. This was after a stage one (by the book storming love affair) of 4-6 months. 2-3 days a week enough that I stay but not enough that I was satisfy. She gave me all the sex I want – and the way I want it. I had close to full access to here sexy body. It’s stopped after 4 years momentarily when I intentional rebelled refusing full scale her never ending unreasonably demands on a ski-holiday (10 days sunny alps, two hotel rooms, 8 kilometers long perfect slopes and smiling happy playing skiing & snow-scooting kids was unsatisfying to her!) in a place where she couldn’t get away as usually. It went form “all-ways not good enough” to “totally wrong” from one day to another. I was also lucky living a very nice place but in the wrong area not smart enough:). I took me 4 months to understand and 3 weeks sleeping and sunbathing to get through – taking the worms out one by one. I am so suntanned that people ask if I have been in Caribbean. My accouter spot her early on and secured me as good as he could from the beginning but never mentioned it (or I did not listen). And that was enough. Cool guy. My friends (excluding the best ones) think I just angry at her for dropping me.
You were very kind to spend hours trying to calm the child. He could have been reacting to having lost his father and being raised by a psychopathic mother — I’m sure he’s not having his emotional needs met. Maybe he was overwhelmed by it all. Poor kid. That’s so sad. Or, since psychopathy is genetic, he may have inherited it, which could explain the lying. Hard to say. Maybe he learned that he had to lie, and be really good at it, to get what he needed. I hope he’ll somehow get the help and the love he needs.
I’m glad you were able to get all the worms out, and that you have a good friend who understands. Most people won’t understand, so if your friends are still good friends in other ways, don’t hold it against them.
So I’m sitting here at 3:00am super pissed off and extremely sad, I don’t ever want to see her again but I wish she’d come back. She’s ditched me again but not before she convinced the whole world that I’m a piece of shit. For a while I started to believe her. I was convinced that I needed to be better. I shouldn’t feel jealous when she talks to her ex’s. It was my fault she didn’t call or ignored me because all I do is talk shit. She has manipulated every situation in the past three years of my life. I’ve always felt she was a little crazy because her excuses and her accusations either never happened or they just dont make sense. I dont get how nobody else can see this shit. Something deep inside of me keeps telling me that I know better. Somethings not right with this girl. She has no heart!
Thanks to you guys I feel a little better. Im not the only one that can see how evil and cruel this woman is. Thanks to you guys, It all makes sense now. I’m inlove with a psychopath.
You’re not the only one, Joshua. I’m glad it makes sense now! Best wishes to you.
I lived my entire childhood with a mother who hated me. I had no idea what was wrong with “me,” and I tried to figure it out so I could fix it. I finally gave up and just hated myself for it. The beatings, the verbal, emotional, mental abuse caused me so much pain and anguish I didn’t know how I could ever have a life like other girls did, with family that loved them and protected them. Many years later, I realize what evil it was. It wasn’t me, it was my mother. The day my middle son died in 2011 was the most devastating day in my entire life. The pain surpassed anything I have ever felt.
My son had talked me into moving my mother 3000 miles to where all of us lived. I paid for every single bit of the move and my son, his fiance, and my mothers friend all helped her. I paid for plane tickets for all. I paid for a moving van and gas, food, etc… all to help her. It was thousands of dollars. I am NOT a wealthy person. I was living off my unemployment at the time, but my son said it was urgent to get her here…she played him and all of us big time!
She ended up in a hospital in Colorado when she got sick on the plane. My sons fiance was there with her. I had to hire a person to drive me out there to go get them since my car was broke down. Within 20 minutes of her being in the vehicle, she had her arms crossed in front of her and her sucky attitude on full display. “Humph! I wish I was back home!!!” I was pissed! I realized then what hell I was in for. No one had done anything, said anything or treated her badly, it was just what she did…
I did not contact my mother when my son died. By then she was living in an apt. in another town and I could not deal with her shit. The night before the funeral my husband and I went there to find out if she was going to the funeral. She was mad because she could not take a bath since she was disabled. I had no sympathy for that since our well had gone dry and I had no water for months by that point. She could wash with a cloth and hot water and soap. I had to use a friends shower so I could be ready for the funeral. All she cared about than was she was craving mints, and could we go to the store and get those for her. Not one word about my son…it was agony to go to the store where me and my boy used to go from the time he was a year old and up!
She didn’t go to the funeral which I was happy about…my ex was there also, he is exactly like my mother, so I got his snotty little comments, all disguised as innocent small talk.
The day after the funeral, I took my mother food since it was Thanksgiving. I dropped it off and left. I went back the next day to try and help her get her house together, but when I got there I just had no strength or ability to do anything. I was grieving for my son that I love. Her comment to me was “well, I am grieving for all the things that got broken in the move.” That totally did it for me!!!! I lost my beloved son, the one who was so kind and loving to her and everyone, who left 4 children behind when he took his life, the one I had such hopes for, and she compared me losing him to her things that got broken in the move?!!! I saw what I was dealing with and I refused to give her any of my emotions. I had to go help her daily, driving 90 miles a day to do so because she lied about me to everyone. She had adult protective services called and I was reported as abusing her. Complete and total lies!!!!!! I was told I brought her here and abandoned her, again, lies!!!! They were going to throw me in jail because of her lies. I had just lost my boy, I had missed a lot of work, and this crap would have caused me to also lose my job because I worked with children, so abuse charges would have ruined that for me. She also had her son and another daughter, which I won’t claim as they are exactly like her! Lying because they wanted me to go to jail because they are just as evil and manipulative. I listened to her son tell her on her cell phone that they had contacted adult protective services also and they were going to throw me in jail, that was because I had reported them once when that was what she kept telling me about them, that they were abusing her. It was paybacks!
Long story short, I didn’t go to jail because people started praying for me about the situation. Her son came and got her 2 months after my son died. I had to help her in order to not be arrested, so I went daily to her apt. but I learned to keep my mouth shut and not speak. She truly LOVED it when I would get emotional and cry, so I clamped it shut and became totally shut down around her. She died in 2012, 5 months after my son. I do not miss her.
I watched her treat men like crap. They would fall all over themselves to do for her. She was cold and hateful, screaming vile, cruel things at them. She would attack them physically and would run to grab knives to stab them with. I used to run and shut the drawer before she could get knives out. I would call for help, and protect the other 3 kids. I was a child! Men would fall all over themselves for her!!! I have never understood it!!!! When they would have enough, they would try to leave. She would weep and wail until the returned. Then it was the same old crap. It is evil!!! My ex was just like her!!! I am aware and I pay close attention to people now. I NEVER want that type in my life again!!!!
As I read your story, my heart hurt. I’m terribly sorry you lost your son, and so sorry you had to endure such horrible abuse from the time you were a child. May you never have another abuser in your life again. Thank you for sharing your story; I’m going to copy it to the “STORIES” page as well. I wish you strength and peace, CP’s Mom. Best wishes to you.
One thing female psychopaths have that is djifferent is… They shame men into not disclosing what they have done! And because we’re men, we don’t talk about it anyway… They will use your children to abuse you and tHe courts too …
I’ve noticed recently that there are a lot of songs that describe a psychopath, .. Male and female… but don’t actually say it!
For instance… Led Zeppelin… Four sticks
Of course this was written by someone else… And I didn’t realize what it was saying, till I had escaped a relationship with a psychopath
Some of the notable lyrics are…
Got to try to get away from you babe
There’s a funny feeling going on
Babe babe how do you feel
For those who hide…hide their love to depth of life
And ruin dreams we all knew
The chain fleetwood Mac …male or female
At the time, it seemed to me that there were so many songs that were written by people who’d been victimized but hadn’t figured it out. Such misery! I couldn’t listen to music for about a year.
Led Zeppelin—will any other band even come close? Nah
I have heard many harrowing tales of using the courts to abuse, and of parental alienation. Really terrible to have to go through. If you did, I’m sorry it happened to you.
Wow. Have read so many things that made so much sense, just clicked in my head as to all that happened. I now understand so much better. Some of the stories here are so similar, others are worse. Then again, perhaps I didn’t stay long enough to go through some of the worse things, but it felt bad enough for me. I was flipping, in my head. I mean, you actually start questioning yourself, are you actually to blame. Did you do, or say anything, something to cause all this. I am a child of a mentally sick mother. Never have know what exactly she has, but was emotional and physically abused. So I consider myself pretty witty at psychology since I had to figure out my mother and myself so I could learn and overcome and not become what she had thought me. Nothing however prepared for her. I have a daughter and she has a daughter, and the level of fights, and screams she would take it, was unfit for any child. I left loving her, because of my and her child. I could not be a part, take part, in such a scene. I felt I was the cause of it, I mean, I knew I wasn’t, but it became almost as my existence was the trigger. Any, accident would start a huge fight, over nothing, or even when it was something, I mean, I wouldn’t have never fought to that level over it. She would press, and look for the buttons to push till I would also get emotional. She would scream, then wait for me to try to calm her down, then scream lauder, then wait for me to also raise my voice to try to be heard, then blame the entire fight on me. Ofcourse, the typical calling my friends, my secretary, writing my father, etc. Trying to get everyone on hr side. Only, at least with the people whom know me, that didn’t go well. I mean, I have to ex-wives, and both love me, one is my best friend. So most people at least around my circle wouldn’t buy her stories. However, I have no idea whom else she sold them too. That is the dangerous part. That is the part that worried me. Whom and what she told. She actually called the police on me, to say I was hurting her, and texted an ex boyfriend saying I wanted to harm her. That was insane..But I did not get it then. She cried the next day, she made me think it was the drinks, and she was confused, and that it we were worth fighting for it. But she never really apologized. I see that now, its hard if not impossible for them to just say,,,, I was wrong, I am so sorry… Nope, it was more about, couples go through this type of things, and it either brakes them or makes them. Like it was normal thing that happened… ( well just figured that one out here, while I was writing all this ) In any case.. I have questions, and need answers to them. I believe in the power of the mind, in being stronger, in helping those, most would leave behind. My questions is,, all I read in all the websites is to run, Ignore, do not answer, reply, just leave. I have not read anywhere, any other alternative. I mean, for example, I read here that it has to do with fears of abandonment. She has that, I did not know all I know now. I know and understand that because I did not know I was dealing with a psychopath or sociopath, I am sure I triggered certain things from the beginning of our time living together. Of course, may I had known all I know now. I definitely would have had better tools to deal with it all. What to say, what not to day, definitely would not have gotten emotional at all, I think they feed on it, gives them power. I thought this was a normal person, love of my life, etc. etc. But, Its like being with a handicapped person and expecting them to jump rope with you. Which in the case of the handicapped, they still may. The point is… What are the options, are there any ? I mean, I know some sociopath levels are too bad to deal with. But aren’t some manageable ? Aren’t there levels of lack of empathy, intensity. Is there some cases where, we can help. I can see, the stories told, the man was more emotional. Could we have manipulate the outcome, simply by different spicological responses that would bring out different reactions to the person with the sickness. Please note, I am stating that there are of course levels I would not recommend doing so, and running, escaping, are the only alternative. But some whom have kids, where the damage was just emotional, and if we would have known and used different tools, would have it helped. Nowhere in all the sites I have searched does it say anything about positive endings and tactics . Thanks to all…
Such a good point, Eddy; “it became almost as if my existence was the trigger” That’s right, except it’s more that our very presence is the trigger. In other words, nothing can change—to solve the problems, all you can do is leave. There isn’t anything you can do.
If she’s psychopathic, it has absolutely nothing to do with fears of abandonment. If she’s borderline then it may be true, and supposedly are methods of intensive therapy that may help. But unless you’re a psychotherapist, there’s nothing you can do. Please don’t get caught up in the intentions or motivations behind the abuse; just recognize that it is abuse.
Also, importantly, there is no excuse or reason for abusive behavior that makes it something you and your daughter have an obligation to be put in harm’s way. Many, many people get hurt badly by trying to be the “rescuer” in these situations. Please read this article, by George Simon, PhD: Personal Empowerment: Let Go of Harmful Misconceptions
As far as “levels” of sociopathy or a lack of empathy, anything less than normal empathy will harm whomever is close to it. See “Empathy: What it is and Why You Need It.”
I’m sorry you and your daughter (and her own daughter, poor kid) had to go through it. Please find a mentally healthy woman to have a relationship with; you will both be so much better off. I know you say you aren’t going back, but I’m telling you (and others reading) these things just in case any doubts creep in.
You asked about alternatives for “some who have kids, where the damage was just emotional,” but emotional damage is the worst kind of damage. It can have long-lasting and crippling effects on a person’s self-worth, mental health and everything in their lives. The only sane and effective course of action is to get the children (and themselves) away from the abuser.
Best wishes to you and your daughter, Eddy.
If you want to interview an actual female psychopath swing me an email i will be more than happy to give you an insight into my life and way of thinking. Under strict confidentiality.
Thanks for the offer. I’m going to give it some thought.