This morning I received a note
from a reader named Michael who said, “I am so emotionally devastated that I have been struggling to keep myself safe from suicide.”
To Michael and anyone else who may be contemplating suicide, my heart goes out to you. I know you have more pain than you feel you can bear at this moment. This pain feels overwhelming and permanent right now, but with time and support, you will overcome it. You may not be able to see that right now because pain is clouding your judgement, but it is the truth.
The fact that you took the time to write me a note or to read this means that even while you are considering ending your life, at the same time there is some part within you that still wants to live. That’s a very good sign, a sign of the hope that is still within you. Listen to that part of yourself, and not to the part that has lost hope. You want to end your pain, not end your life. Those are two very different things, but they can get confused when the pain feels like too much to take.
I’m not a mental health professional, but I am someone who understands the pain you’re in and who cares deeply about you. I’d rather be able to sit and listen to you than communicate through this page, but that’s not possible. What is possible is for you to connect with someone who is able to listen, with empathy and without judgement. Please don’t try to deal with this alone. There are people who care and who will listen. I hope you’ll call one of the numbers below to connect with such a person.
U.S. and International Suicide Hotlines:
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (U.S.) — 1-800-273-8255
- International Suicide Hotlines
- A list of Resources for suicide prevention, post-attempt survivors and their families, U.S. and International
♥ You are not alone.
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Dear Michael,
You are AMAZING and BEAUTIFUL because you can LOVE. Don’t give up on your healing! Do everything in your power to educate yourself, and find people who share your values and HUG them tight. Stare at the sunset and stare at the moon at night, to find your being and peace with nature. I’m praying for you!
Kari Lee
I don’t know that I have any easy answers fir those suffering from suicidal depression. I do take it serious, and I’ve even been there a time or two. Definitely, anyone suffering in this position needs to seek out mental health help preferably at the nearest mental health clinic or a hospital . You really have to fight those feelings and refuse to be defeated by them.
When I’m tempted to sink down into the abbess I’d have to say that’s the time I know I need to be good to myself, Find out what puts a smile on your face and use it. For me, it’s often putting on a favorite song, having a good meal, perhaps soaking in a candlelight bubble bath, or even just going outside to sit in the grass, and enjoy nature. I’ve also used journaling (pouring out all my feelings onto paper!), and even blogging to help myself heal.
Perhaps there is a trusted friend or relatively you could confide in, calling a hot line maybe a good way to find out where you need to go to get the necessary help. Good luck to all you in your hour of pain and sorrow. I’m so sorry you are going through this!
Hi Admin, hi Michael, and readers, I want to let you know this blog is helping me and I am willing to discuss everything and I am here. Thank you Admin for this attention to Michael and I suggest we do everything possible to be available in exchanging thougts and feelings to make a beginning to help him get out of this sadness. Believe me Michael, I’ve been there… (and still working hard to stay in the clear zone ;)) Share your feelings, it helps!
Prinses
Just keep hanging in.
I empathize with this hurting man. It is true, the pain does leave…little-by-little. Never as fast as we want but it does go and what takes it’s place is strength, joy and true love not only for others but ourselves. We just have to figure out what we are supposed to learn about and heal in ourselves. I remember the days I felt like this man…so thankful I found the strength and courage to feel the pain. I’m married to a wonderful man now, I had no idea life could be so good. It will get better, better than you could ever imagine. Hang in there! I’ll be sending loving thoughts your way.
Thank you, and thanks to everyone for your sharing your encouragement and concern!
Great post. Anyone notice this was written the same day The great Robin Williams took his life. What a connection life has.
XO
I didn’t even realize I’d written it on the same day. Gave me chills. Thanks for your comment.
Dear Michael,
I’m compelled to reach out to you and hope you see this and the other messages to you. I have been where you are. It is something that feels as close to unbearable as it’s possible to get in this life. I know that. I just don’t want you to go that extra distance to it being unbearable. For me, what helped was shortening survival time into tiny spaces. Literally, one minute at a time. And breathing. Focusing on breathing in and then breathing out again. I know anyone not experiencing what you are might think these suggestions are not at all helpful. And they may not be, but they helped me to survive until I COULD bear it – until the pain began to ease enough to see past the black. So I share it with you in hopes that it might help you too. You are truly in my prayers and thoughts. I hope you will check in here whenever you feel you can. Please don’t think you are alone. You are not. I believe we’re all connected at an unconscious level and there are many of us rooting for you right now.
Cheryl
Thanks so much for your comment, Cheryl. I hope Michael is Ok and that he’ll read this and the other comments posted here.
Such lovely posts, from deeply caring people, and all of us so damaged by our intimate contact with these horrible beings. And Michael, please believe you will heal.
Before I understood what my partner of then 15 years and 3 children was, I sat on the step of the utility room with a cigarette in one hand and glass of red wine in the other, I was after a days work, cooking dinner, sorting the children out and had just sorted the laundry. Sitting there planning my suicide, I had decided I would crash the car into a wall, a tragic accident, nobody would know, I had ruled out drink and the prescription painkillers I was taking for my hip for the sake of my children, and the questions they would torture themselves with. The reason I was contemplating this?
The pain in my hip was bad, I was getting break through pain, waking me up at night but the pain in my heart and head was so much worse.
I had been through this so many times, what was wrong with me?
I had healthy and lovely children, I had a job I loved, I had a house, ok it could do with a bit of work and it was hard to heat but hey it was ok, and my partner, he was an awkward bloke but basically a good man ( how deeply I was in and couldn’t ‘see’) so why did I feel like this? There must be something very very wrong with me. And so this was the best course of action for me. The older children wouldn’t miss me too much, they had their father, a very good father but his 3 children, he would be their main carer, it didn’t matter we weren’t married, he was their father, he was incapable of minding them, they would never see their older siblings. I couldn’t do that to them.
And so I got my bionic hip, I was off all painkillers, I was pain free, I could run and jump, I didn’t realise I walked with an obvious limp or that I couldn’t run or jump at all. And I began to notice him, it took another few years before I understood, this is 7 years later, and away from him a year. Coping and healing after escaping, that liminality stage, described so well in another blog. But be sure life goes on. Live your life however you wish to live it. And learn about these parasites, these vampires, cluster b personality types, psychopaths, narcissists so much to learn. All heartfelt love to those going through that dark cavern of despair please know its only temporary, the sun will rise in the morning, and the next one and the next one, be here to see it, don’t let them get their ultimate ‘win’ by extinguishing your own knowing wonderful light, we all need it to shine on. xxx
Nearlybel, you took my breath away — planning your suicide?! It’s astounding what they can reduce us to! I’ve known hip pain (and had a replacement at a fairly young age) and I agree, the pain in my heart was far worse. But there was no heart replacement available…and in time, I realized I didn’t need one. And either did you. You have a precious heart, and I understand you know that now and I thank you for sharing that with us here. But those dark days can be so black.
It certainly is a dark cavern of despair, and although it doesn’t feel like it at the time, it is only temporary, as you said. It would be a tragedy to let them have that ‘ultimate win,’ because they are SO not worth it. My ex-psycho’s parting words were “You bore me and I’m done with you! Why don’t you go kill yourself?” The effect it had on me was quite the opposite of what he’d intended. I became enraged — who did this @#&%* think he was, that because he was “bored” and “done with me” that I had no reason to live? On the contrary, I now had EVERY reason to live since that %$#&@ was out of my life. He’s the one who has no reason to live. “Eternally hungry and eternally empty,” as T. Sheridan so eloquently put it.
Michael, if you are reading this, would you please let us know how you’re doing???
Yes, I do have days that I want to end my life. I have been in recovery for five years. This so called friend was a co-worker. To make it short. He was able to make sure I did not have any job skills after ten years of my life. After He forced me out of work, I could not find any employment in the area doing what I knew what to do. He made sure of that. Now my college degree is just about useless. I became bankrupted, I lost my home. This is from someone who I trusted. I still cant find a descent job at middle age. Before I left the area, He tolled me to just kill my self. I did not know what to say. I have nothing going for me now. Yes I do thing about it. I just what everything to end.
I’m sorry that you’re suffering from these long-term consequences, and that you’re feeling the way you are. I hope you have support, and that you’re speaking to someone, a therapist or some other person who can counsel you. Many of them tell their victims to kill themselves, mine included. What a terrible thing to say. Only the lowest of the low would say something like that, which means they are not worth losing a life over. I hope you will find a new opportunity, very soon. In the meantime, have you considered writing a book about what happened? It could be a very cathartic experience, and it will educate others and bring some money in. Please get some help if you haven’t already done so, and if it’s not working, find someone else.