Your Own Personal Apocalypse

Surreal photo of the moon floating in a lake, for the article Your Own Personal Apocalypse After a Psychopath

“I can’t go on. I’ll go on.”

(Samuel Beckett)

Most of us have said those words in the aftermath of a psychopath. At first, we think “I can’t go on.” Those days are the darkest.

At some point, we dare to think “I’ll go on,” even though we’re not sure how. We can see beyond the end of the world, but we’re not sure what we will find or how we will get there.

We are standing amidst the rubble of our own personal apocalypse.

Hopes and dreams and plans and promises lay strewn about in unsalvageable tatters. Time evaporates along with them, months and years lost forever beneath the ruins.

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Worst of all, our trust in others and in ourselves is reduced to charred and smoldering bits, along with our beliefs about life and the world.  Your life was changed beyond recognition by a force outside your knowledge and comprehension. Even worse, that force was someone you thought you knew, someone you loved and trusted.

Only fear and pain remained, unscathed and stronger than ever.

Those who haven’t experienced a psychopath would read what I’ve written so far, and say I was being overly dramatic. Those of us who have, know that what I’ve written so far is an accurate description.

But what will you find in that place you see beyond the end of the world, after making your long and difficult journey?

That is entirely up to you.

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Usually, people go through life without experiencing something so destructive that it blows their entire world to bits. They can hold on to the things that get them by and live a pretty benign day-to-day existence, same as it ever was. There’s nothing wrong with that.

But you don’t have that option anymore.

Many things have been buried under the rubble, but even more have been revealed. Things are different now. You see things you didn’t see before. Your rose-colored glasses are off, smashed somewhere amidst the ruins, and your eyes are opened to a clearer version of reality. Each new insight leads to another.

You may find you don’t tolerate time-wasting games anymore, from others or from yourself. You may find that you can easily spot those now. You may find that you aren’t so easily upset, angered or frustrated as you were in the past.

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You may find that you appreciate the good things more, and the simple things. The real things. You may find that you now have a lot more room for these things in your life, since everything else was obliterated. You may find that you are very picky about what you let into your new world.

You will go on. The question is, what will you go on to? What will you find after your long journey to beyond the end of the world?

Under the rocks and stones, there is water flowing.

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22 thoughts on “Your Own Personal Apocalypse”

  1. Jacqueline

    I would recommend these postings and books to every women or man in need of being pulled up and out of the black hole of victimization. Thank you for all the knowledge involving this subject it has helped many people. Carry on.

    1. Admin

      Thank you so much for your kind words, Jacqueline! I will carry on, as long as I can. Best wishes to you.

  2. Debbie

    It’s so difficult for anyone to understand what it’s like unless they have been through it, it’s why I love your site, I feel quite normal here lol.
    Within the 10 years of the relationship I had with an emotional manipulator I tried to take my own life 4 times, all at the stage of “I can’t do this any more” each time I fell into a dark hole believing I’ll never come back out. Sadly I went right back into his arms, not knowing at the time it was his manipulation that pushed me in and dragged me back out. Thankfully, I have been out of this relationship for 2 years now, I have made great strides but it hasn’t been anywhere easy. Even now I have flash backs of things I had forgotten about, light bulb moments but each time it releases me from his hold, because I see even more how manipulative he was. I feel ready to venture out to meet someone new but, fear is still stoping me because these types of people are so hard to see coming. I’ve learnt a lot from this experience and it has strengthen me as a person, but not a place I want to go back to.

    1. Admin

      “Not knowing” is the biggest threat to people who’ve been victimized. Knowing is bad enough, but not knowing is a thousand times worse. I’m so sorry to hear about what you experienced. I’m glad you’re out of it now, and that you’ve made great strides.

      As far as meeting someone new, just make sure you’ve learned all you can, and most importantly that you feel reasonably confident and have good, clear boundaries. The way I look at it now is that I might not know right away if someone’s a psychopath, but I’ll definitely know if they start to act like one.

      “A bird sitting on a branch is never afraid of the branch breaking, because her trust is not in the branch, but in her own wings.”

      And if that branch breaks, I will fly, fly away.

      1. Debbie

        I so love the quote, I shall keep that with me forever :)
        Thank you so much x

        1. Admin

          You are so welcome, Debbie :-)

      2. Ann

        What a beautiful analogy admin. Just want to say you rock Lady! Thank you once again for all you do .

        1. Admin

          Thank you so much, Ann! :-)))

    2. trish

      Hi my name is trish and i have a hard time with starting a new relationship because of the experience of being married to a psychopath. I had a nice boyfriend but the whole time all i did was accuse him of talking to other women or lying or any of the things that i went thru with my x psychopath. I ended up breaking his heart and leaving him making him feel like crap cause he claims he is none of these things but admits to being narcissist and to me that even to much of for me to deal with as far as he cares for himself and puts himself before me and he can never feel when i hurt its all about him. now he is homeless cause i ended the relationship i can’t feel sorry for a grown man he will need to figure out for himself what he has to do and quit telling me you love me cause in reality i don’t believe he does i believe he just needs me not wants me. I am better off alone for awhile till i can learn that everyone is not a psychopath and i can let my self trust again. there are good man out there i just can’t see it right now.

      1. Adelyn Birch

        He admits to being a narcissist, but denies lying and cheating? That would be a first. Trish, I agree with you—don’t date again until you have confidence in your own perceptions.That will give you the ability to see manipulation for what it is instead of being made to doubt yourself. If this guy was a narcissist, he was not a “nice boyfriend.” The person you need to learn to trust is YOU. Self-trust=self-confidence xo

  3. Depressedempath

    Thankyou Admin for yet another great post! Love the song, lyrics so appropriate, even the artist name. The psychopath is just that “a talking head” . There is no meaning behind his words.
    I had meltdowns (where I thought I couldn’t go on) all through my relationship with a psycho, starting only a couple of months after we met. But he had convinced me in the early days that it was my fault, I was the defective one. It was only after he ramped up his abuse to include physically restraining me that alarms started ringing in my head.
    But now, 10 months later, I see those blue skies and green rolling fields. I don’t care about a lot of things that I used to stress over. I spend time and money on myself to look and feel good. I’m taking big holidays, travelling the world. I treasure time spent with my family and close friends.
    But I also still have flashbacks and memories of the bad past. I will never forget him or what happened. Those memories have mellowed and I wish him no harm anymore. I cannot forgive him but I understand now that he does not know any other way to conduct a relationship. I feel sorry for him, he has and will keep repeating the same mistakes over and over. There is no treatment and even if there was he wouldn’t seek it because he thinks he is perfect.

    1. Admin

      After I finished the article, I realized I kept repeating “you may find…” and then it hit me, they were words from that song! and that the song was appropriate, too; amazing! :-O and yes they’re just talking heads, with no real meaning behind their words. I had to include it.

      I’m glad that life is good again. I don’t think any of us will ever forget, or stop having random thoughts about it. I’m at the point where those thoughts don’t get me down anymore. They just come and go. I don’t wish any harm on mine, either, but I sure do wish he could stop harming others. He can’t and he never will, not willingly.

  4. Karla

    Excellent and accurate article that validates my reality and lifelong experience, having thankfully survived a psychopathic mother and father, sister and step-mother; and an island community that breeds the dis-ease with apathy, proud ignorance and vanity. ‘Apocalypse’ is the climatic description of a hell that seems unending when snagged relentlessly by the psychopath’s death hitches organized to wear its victim’s mind, body and soul to human waste. Thank you Mr. Beckett for calling out the cries of acknowledgement “I can’t go on, I go on”, as I know too well this great trial and tribulation.

    1. Admin

      Beckett’s words capture our experience perfectly. I’m sorry that you, or any of us, had to utter them. Your words are very powerful, too, Karla. Thank you for your comment.

  5. Hope

    Great post A.B. I so relate to the talking heads, an accurate description most definitely! Lately I’ve been picturing the P as a beautiful ice sculpture. Pretty on the outside, but ice on the inside. Wish it wasn’t so, but unfortunately it is.

    Amazon accepted my review of your book, I hope you like it!

    1. Admin

      If he’s an ice sculpture, then I hope he melts! I picture mine as the wicked witch of the west. She melted, too, come to think of it. “I’m melting! I’m mellllllllting!”
      Oh, pity.

      Thank you so much for the wonderful review. It is very much appreciated!

  6. Teresa

    We hear with our ears and we see with our eyes.He made me doubt even this.I was not and still am not sure of anything anymore except that life as I once knew it is over.This post described exactly how a psychopath will make a normal human being feel.When I found this late one night I had had a really bad day.I had cried all day.Thanks for putting into words how I felt inside. Sometimes when we are in our own little world we forget were not alone.I really needed this post tonight. Thank you for putting my thoughts into words. It’s as if you read my mind.I know in my heart that you have really been in my world.God bless you.

    1. Admin

      Teresa, I hope better days will come for you soon. Until then, I’m glad you know you’re not alone (((A big hug to you))) God bless, you, too.

  7. Anabelle

    Hello everyone and thanks for the website! I want to share my story with you. Exactly a year ago, I met a guy ( i do not want to diagnose him yet) at work. Handsome I though, smart and a bit sarcastics, extremly well mannered. I felt like i was 16 years old again ( I am 28 now), completely mesmerised. I look good ( no false modesty here) but I was felt in a shadow comparing to him. Things evolved pretty quickly and in no time I found myself completely in love, living just to get home to see him. Elegant, funny, charming, I felt truly blessed, introduced me to all his friends, family, impeccable with my friends. However, my instincts were screaming”this is too good to be true’ and “run”. I had no reasons to believe this. His behavior was that perfect that it looked controlled, learnt, fake, no awakardness and no true emotions, even if I couldn’t see this at that point. I was constantly lying to myself, saying he is introvert and maybe he will open up to me. He didn t share things from his past relationships out of respect for our relationship, I know nothing deep about him, that made me close myself to him as well and keep sharing mundane things and talks, even that made me feel so bad. I was looking for a deeper connection that I could’t have. We were talking marriage, kids! I was so blinded and deep into this thing. I thought thay maybe at some point he will open up. I sensed him sarcasm and sometimes i felt that his was really mea, I mean truly mean and enjoying this. I couldn’t even look him in his eyes because I felt some shiver running through me, I thought it was because I was in love ( stupid). I have never heard him saying he misses somebody , i don’t know…I thought he was intelligent, but i have discovered that not so much, he has big plans but they are completely unrealistics because I don t believe he has the capacity to fulfill them. Anyways, a month ago he told me one night out of the blue, that we are done, thay he has never loved me and to come next day to collect my things. i couldn t even believe it, the man of my dreams, the love of my life, leaving me like this. I have tried to talk to him but all I have received was humiliations and his true face that I couldn’t see before. i was in completele medical shock for 5 days, traumatized, pannick attacks, anxiety, fear, on the edge of crazyness, obssesive thought. Every second is a fight, I can t believe this is happening to me, I feel like I am going crazy. I need let this go, before it is too late. Please let me know what do you think! I have tried not to write a novel. Thank you! All the best and support to everybody here!

    1. Admin

      Hi, Anabelle. I’m terribly sorry to hear what you’re going through! I know how much it hurts. A lot of us do. You are not alone!
      He sounds like a textbook case. I identified with a lot of what you said — too good to be true, behavior that felt practiced and fake, no awkwardness, knowing nothing deep about him, sensing meanness, and the sudden cold and callous ending. The disbelief and the feeling of going crazy are almost unbearable, but have faith that you will get through this. You will. When you say “before it’s too late,” it concerns me. If you feel suicidal, please get help. In the sidebar, there’s a heading “A LIST OF CRISIS HOTLINES.” Please call someone who can help you. It would be a real tragedy if you harmed yourself while in this storm of emotion. Please check back and let me know how you’re doing, OK? I’ll be waiting to her from you.

      1. Anabelle

        Hi Admin,
        Thank you so much for replying. No, i am not suicidal now ( i had a glimpse though) but i am a very spiritual person and I have lived and learnt in two months more than in a lifetime. I have good days and bad days, but I am fighting and I will keep on fighting for as long as it takes. I find the support I need here, on your blog and it means the world to me. It is so reassuring to know you are not alone. It is is difficult that everybody is like “get over yourself”, the confusion he created is unbearable sometimes. I am a rational person and I have gone through all our conversations. It helps a lot to understand what kind of man I had to deal with. It makes me feel better to know that it is nothing human there and I am not gonna beat myself up for loving. Thanks once more for all your effort, you are a life savior!

        1. Admin

          Thanks for checking back in, Anabelle; I’m glad you’re OK. It’s good to hear you find support here. I know firsthand how difficult it is and how hard support can be to come by, so I’m happy I can give you a hand! It’s hard when no one understands — my latest blog post is all about invalidation. It’s very good that you don’t beat yourself up for loving! Love is a wonderful thing, except when we love someone who isn’t capable of loving in return. You’re welcome, Anabelle. I’m glad I can help. Come back any time you need to.

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