The Self-Compassion Effect


Step outside yourself for a moment, if you will, and turn and look at yourself.

There you are, the ‘you’ who was mistreated and who is now treating yourself so harshly, who is feeling shame, despair, doubt, outrage, confusion, self-doubt, deep sadness, anger, self-judgement or rage. What a sad thing for this ‘you’ to go through! This loving and giving ‘you’ does not deserve this pain. It is truly heartbreaking to behold.

Empathy makes your heart overflow, and you have the desire to provide comfort. You look softly and with kindness upon this ‘you’ who is crying while mourning the loss or raging at injustice or betrayal, and you place a warm hand gently on a shoulder that shakes with sobs. You feel completely accepting of the intense emotions this ‘you’ is experiencing. You tell this ‘you’ that whatever feelings are present are OK. You know this is how a loving human heart feels when it breaks. You care deeply about this ‘you’ and want to help ‘you’ deal with this trauma.

What you are feeling is self-compassion.

“Self-compassion means truly honoring, and allowing for, our own suffering. To be with the hurt, the longing, and the hunger, and to offer value and substance to these experiences. More than that, to go further and to respond, in kind, to what the self is really wanting and needing.”

~ Lisa Field-Elliott


 “Acceptance is the only way out of hell.”

~ Marsha Linehan, Founder of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy

“Compassion is made up of two words: ‘co’ meaning together and ‘passion’ meaning a strong feeling. This is what compassion is. When we see someone is in distress and we feel their pain as if it were our own, and strive to eliminate or lessen their pain, then this is compassion. So all the best in human beings, all the qualities like sharing, readiness to give comfort, sympathy, concern and caring – all are manifestations of compassion. You will notice also that in the compassionate person, care and love towards others has its origins in care and love for oneself.” ~

How does compassion differ from empathy? “Empathy, as defined by researchers, is the visceral or emotional experience of another person’s feelings. It is, in a sense, an automatic mirroring of another’s emotion, like tearing up at a friend’s sadness. Compassion often involves an empathic response and an altruistic behavior. However, compassion is defined as the emotional response when perceiving suffering and involves an authentic desire to help.” ~ The Compassionate Mind


 “Who will you love if not yourself? Other people? How can you love someone for anything but their raw, naked humanity? How can you say you love someone if it is not for their flaws and quirks, snorts and hurts, triggers and tears? Anything else is not love. It is idealization. And, as long as you do it to yourself, you will do it to everyone. You will not love anyone or anything until those eyes in the mirror soften up and embrace the beauty that is already within.”

~ Vironika Tugaleva

 You didn’t feel any compassion from the psychopath, who was callous and cold-hearted and who inflicted harm purposely. After it was over you may not have felt it from friends or family members either, who didn’t understand your experience. You may not have felt it from yourself as you judged yourself harshly for falling for manipulation, or not seeing it sooner, or staying too long. You go looking for support, kindness, understanding, validation, and assistance.  You have an innate need for compassion.

The cure for the lack of compassion we experienced is compassion.

The components of compassion — recognition of hurt, suffering, and injustice; tenderheartedness toward; and a desire to alleviate distress — “take a powerful stance against past wrongs and champion healing. This makes compassion diametrically opposed to callousness, indifference, and heartlessness.” ~ Self-Compassion, Part I: After Trauma


 “A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life.”

~ Christopher K. Germer

Whether you find compassion in others or not (and I sincerely hope you do), you can become compassionate toward yourself. It’s more important now than ever, but cultivating self-compassion will serve you well all your life. Self-compassion is transformational after a trauma such as ours. And it has proven benefits:

“Research shows that people who practice self-compassion have better mental health, less anxiety and depression, and are just as successful at meeting goals as those who don’t. One longer-term study showed that self-compassion helped people to adjust better, after a divorce. When we get disappointed in life, our natural tendency might be to ask ourselves what we did wrong, but saying to ourselves, “You did the best you could given what you knew at the time,” can help us to feel better about ourselves and give us courage to begin rebuilding our lives.”

~Why Self-Compassion Helps You Meet Life’s Challenges, Melanie Greenberg Ph.D


The Three Core Components of Self-Compassion:

“The first one  is self-kindness, as opposed to self-judgment. A lot of times when we suffer, we just take a very cold attitude toward ourselves. So self-compassion involves being warm and supportive—actively soothing ourselves—as opposed to being cold and judging ourselves.

The second part is remembering that imperfection is part of the shared human experience—that you’re not alone in your suffering. Often, when something goes wrong, we look in the mirror and don’t like what we see—we feel very isolated in that moment, as if everyone else has these perfect lives and it’s just us who’s flawed and defective. When we remember that imperfection is part of the shared human experience, you can actually feel more connected to people in those moments.

The third component is mindfulness. If you aren’t mindfully aware that you’re suffering, if you’re just repressing your pain or ignoring it or getting lost in problem solving, you can’t give yourself compassion. You have to say, “Wait a second. This hurts. This is really hard. This is a moment where I need compassion.” If you don’t want to go there, if it’s too painful or you’re just too busy to go there, you can’t be compassionate.”

~ The Power of Self-Compassion, Interview with Kristen Neff, leading self-compassion researcher and educator


 “First and foremost, if we maintain healthy emotional boundaries and direct love and kindness inwards, we are taking care of ourselves and secondly we are giving a subliminal message to others about how we wish to be treated.”

~ Christopher Dines, Mindfulness Burnout Prevention

Being victimized by a psychopath is something we never anticipated, and not something everyone experiences. It’s not a trauma we ever expected to go through in life, and it is a major one. This trauma comes with a sense of being cut off from normal life and from the rest of humanity. But part of self-compassion entails feeling a sense of common humanity, which is the understanding that your feelings and experiences are not completely unique. By acknowledging we’re not the only one, we find strength in numbers.

Even those of us who’ve gone through this bizarre experience of psychopathic victimization are not alone. There have been two million visits to this website alone in the two and a half years it has existed, and even though some of those (30%) are repeat visitors, and some others likely ended up in the wrong place, there are still quite a few of us. Add to that all the people who have not visited this site, but who qualify. You are not alone.

“In reality, sadly, part of humanity is humans doing terrible things to other humans, including children. Survivors do not need to travel anywhere or change ourselves to rejoin the human race. We are already right here.” (Sonia Connelly, From Shame to Compassion: Reconciling with Ourselves after Abuse).


 “This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is part of life. May I be kind to myself in this moment. May I give myself the compassion I need.”

~ Kristin Neff, Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind

There is an important difference between self-compassion and self-esteem. Self-compassion isn’t based on self-judgement, comparison and outcomes, like self-esteem. Self-esteem is about being above average, but self-compassion is all about being average. It’s about being human (which is something to celebrate after being with a psychopath) and being a part of the shared human condition. We all have successes and failures and strengths and weaknesses. Self-compassion acknowledges and accepts all of them.

“The data supporting the fact that self-compassion has the same mental health benefits as self-esteem: less depression, more optimism, greater happiness, more life satisfaction. But self-compassion offers the benefits without the drawbacks of self-esteem. Self-esteem is associated with narcissism; self-compassion isn’t. It’s self-compassion, not self-esteem, that predicts stability of self-worth—a type of self-worth that isn’t contingent on outcomes—as well as less social comparison, less reactive anger.

Now a lot of research is coming out around health behaviors, showing that people who practice self-compassion make really wise health choices. They exercise more for intrinsic reasons, they can stick to their diets, they go to the doctor more often, they practice safer sex. All this research is coming out showing that self-compassion is not just a good idea, and it doesn’t just make you feel good, it makes you act in healthier ways.

Also, people who are self-compassionate are kinder, more giving, and supportive to their relationship partners.” ~ ~The Power of Self-Compassion, Interview with Kristen Neff


 “Acceptance of one’s life has nothing to do with resignation; it does not mean running away from the struggle. On the contrary, it means accepting it as it comes, with all the handicaps of heredity, of suffering, of psychological complexes and injustices.”

~ Paul Tournier

Self-compassion is nothing less than a paradigm shift after involvement with a psychopath. It can be transformational. Being human becomes OK again (psychopaths despise that) along with all the emotions we feel, which are, after all, universal. Compassion is healing; it’s a treatment for the harm suffered from being treated without compassion.

We are all a work in progress, and will always be — but we’re worth loving and respecting just as we are now (and that means loving and respecting ourselves, too). Under all the lies abusers piled on us is our true and original self, intact — a unique being with innate value whose life has meaning and worth, who is meant to give and receive love through meaningful connections with others and with ourselves. That’s definitely worth having compassion for. You are definitely worth having compassion for.

Self-Compassion Guided Meditations and Exercises
A wish for self-compassion is blowing your way

 “It is a beautiful experience being with ourselves at a level of complete acceptance. When that begins to happen, when you give up resistance and needing to be perfect, a peace will come over you as you have never known.”

~ Ruth Fishel, The Journey Within


“It’s simply being kind to myself — meeting myself, whatever my emotional, physical or psychological state, with loving kindness.  As simple, and difficult, as that!”

~ Marianne Elliott


“A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life.”

~ Christopher K. Germer

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34 thoughts on “The Self-Compassion Effect”

  1. Shani


    To be studied…
    To be remembered…
    To be shared…

    Thank you.

    1. Admin

      Thank you, Shani. I believe self-compassion can be a big help in the healing process. I hope many readers will practice it. xxx

  2. Nearlybel

    That was just so beautiful and heart warming. And there is always that chill, in my core, post psychopath, although now I think about it, it’s far less now. Your posts are like holding my hand as I try to figure out what’s going on right now. Such a comfort.
    I’ve been looking in the mirror and saying ‘your ok’ I couldn’t manage the ‘I love you’ as Louise Hays suggests. I’ve taken selfies, to really look at myself, to see me, to recognise, like, I’m not too sure myself the reason I do.
    All totally mad stuff, for my logical mind, but necessary for some other part of it. I’ve changed the colour of my hair and I’m getting fit.
    The past 20 years seem like a nightmare, of course it was, it was HIS reality, his perverted reality that he forced us to live in.
    We are away from him 2 years, it’s wonderful but what hard work, the hardships he continues to inflict on us whenever he can, but it’s only financial, that’s his only weapon now.
    It’s like our lives have been switched on. Life is wonderful, what we do in it is our choice now, we now have freedom to be.
    Let’s be good to us, us humans are worth it. Thank you Admin for being here xxx

    1. Admin

      Hi, Nearlybel. I’m glad you found it comforting. Congratulations on being away from him for two years! I’m sorry he’s still inflicting hardship, and I hope the financial issues will be resolved soon, maybe even this month? I remember you saying in another post that a court date was coming up — best of luck with it.

      Looking in the mirror and saying “I love you” was something I tried a few years ago, but it just felt strange and made me squirm. I read an interesting and unique little book several months ago — Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It, by Kamal Ravikant. This guy actually goes through the entire day muttering “I love myself” repeatedly, and he claims it has life-changing effects. He gives talks on it to scientists, politicians (do they really need help with it?) and CEOs. He says to “love yourself with the same intensity you would use to pull yourself up if you were hanging off a cliff with your fingers. As if your life depended upon it,” and says it’s transformative. I had set it aside and not given it another thought, but you reminded me of it. Maybe I’ll dust it off and read it again.

      Thank you for being here too, Nearlybel. xxx

      1. Mary

        I’ve been back and forth with an abuser. Not physical but a lot of mental abuse. Remarks of what I look like regarding my body shape to my skin. Regardless of the fact that I workout almost daily, take the time to care for myself, etc. The only thing I lacked in caring for myself was being involved with someone who was controlling and mentally abusive. Its so strange that I read this article this morning because it was only last night I finally stood up for myself and told him enough. He will not talk to me that way or I will not have anything to do with him. I grabbed the few things I had at his place and told him I was leaving. All he said was go and do not come back ever and slammed his bedroom door like a child. This is what I have dealt with for more than 2 years. Last night was enough. I hope all readers know that we all have a breaking point and when you reach it (and you’ll know) you will break the cycle of abuse. No one should ever be given the power to mistreat you. Last night I felt powerful and in charge of my own life and I will not regret the loss of that friendship. Sometimes in life you realize you are much better off without a person. We all deserve to be treated with dignity. I knew with this person the minute I started sticking up for myself it would be over with him. I thought this morning I would feel regret but I actually feel I can breathe and have peace now. Don’t believe these abusers when they tell you they don’t care about you because they do – most of them medicate their feelings to get by in life. This article is absolutely correct – most of us have compassion and we take care of ourselves in the correct way by not medicating our feelings. Deal with things head on and not bury them. I wish all of you hope and pray that you too find the peace that I finally have today. Thank you for this article – a simple reminder to continue to care for ourselves. God Bless.

        1. Admin

          Mary, I’m so glad you ended the abuse. It’s true that when we start sticking up for ourselves, it’s over (if they can’t manipulate us back into complacency). They don’t want us as individuals — they want a victim. I think that’s the extent of their caring. Stay strong and stay compassionate with yourself. All the best to you.

          1. Mary

            Thank you for writing such eye-opening articles. If I didn’t end it and walk out then the usual routine would begin. Months of the silent treatment and being ignored, then I would go crawling back and apologizing for my behavior, then he would answer back an email or text and tell me to never act like that again. Its all craziness and for some strange reason he would make me feel that it was my fault. It only goes good for a short time than the cycle of abuse starts up again. It weighs you down and it just got to be too much to handle. Relationships should not be that difficult.

            1. Admin

              Abusers are very good at turning the tables and making it look like our fault (and getting others to believe them). So glad to hear you find the articles eye-opening. Congratulations on ending your relationship with this abuser!

              1. Dee

                I believe when psychopaths can get you to accept responsibility and blame, they know they “have you.” Then, they increase the abuse because we have shown them we are so hooked that we will accept the blame and return. They train us to put up with their shenanigans, taking less than crumbs. I remember that horrid cycle and breaking it took a herculean effort. We go back to the psychopath so many times because the pain of losing them is almost unbearable. Now I know for certain, that staying with the psychopath would have been even worse because the pain would have been on-going. Now there is peace and freedom. I am almost at a place of feeling indifferent. Sure, I think of him, but the feeling attached is dread and thinking: “What a horrid mistake.” That’s when I have to have compassion for myself. : )

              2. Admin

                I’m glad you’re feeling peace and freedom, Dee.

                They shape us to (falsely) blame ourselves, which is our undoing. When we believe we’re at fault, we believe all we’re worthy of is crumbs, and we believe we have to repair the damage we think we caused.
                When we finally understand the truth, we can have self-compassion. We can have it even before we understand, but I imagine that’s more of a challenge. I didn’t develop self-compassion until after I was sure of the truth, and then it just came naturally.

                I don’t know if I’ll ever feel indifferent. I was talking to someone else about this, and I said I wasn’t sure it was the right word to describe what I feel — or actually what I don’t feel. Maybe there’s no word that’s quite right. It seems more like detachment. The bond is broken, that’s the bottom line.

        2. Irene

          I like this article on compassion. But my issues of abuse is still brand new, this psycho/sociopath tried to destroy everything I had. He tried to destroy my entire family. I would like to ask everyone to pray for me to be compassionate to myself. God bless you.

          1. Admin


            I’m so sorry to hear of the trauma you are experiencing.

            My wish for you:

            May you look upon yourself with the kindness and gentleness of one who loves you and accepts you unconditionally. As you suffer self-reproach and despair, may you know that you are worthy of your own compassion. May you find support, understanding and compassion from others and receive the help you need to deal with this very difficult time in your life. ♥

  3. Dee

    Excellent point with regard to feeling indifferent. How can any of us ever get to feeling indifferent towards abuse, manipulation, duplicity? I don’t think that’s possible. I also don’t think I will ever be able to soften how I feel about his sadistic drive. Realistically, I will probably never feel indifference. I certainly do feel detached though. The bond is defiantly broken. I could never feel feelings of “like,” or “friendship” towards him. He still texts and wants to get together and be “friends,” ( I am sure to brag about his wonderful life). Right now, when I do think of him I get a feeling of vengeance. I would love to see him crash and burn. I don’t feel this way often anymore. I just get a twinge of it when I hear about how “happy” he seemingly is. Then, I trace back the lie and I remember that happiness and a psychopath is an oxymoron. The happiness he is pretending, is the tool he is using to con and exploit. Once I remember this, I just shake it all off and go back to detachment.

    1. Admin

      Detachment seems to work better for you, too. I mentioned it so you wouldn’t continue to wait for the feeling of indifference, which may never come.
      Quite unbelievable that he asks you to be “friends.” Reality isn’t their strong point, is it?

  4. Dee

    His desire to be “friends” stems from his need to be in control. He thinks of me as forever his. I get the feeling that he seeks revenge because I am the one who left and when I left, I unplugged everything we were working on. His reaching out, every now and then, freaks me out a bit because I know how explosive he can get and how extremely sadistic he is. He’s a dangerous man, so I don’t believe him when he asks to be friends. “Friendship” isn’t really what he wants. If I ever gave him an inch he would use it to hurt me. So, I am never going to let him in.

    1. Admin

      He sounds like a nightmare. Stay far, far away.

  5. NikkiNicole

    I have to check back in periodically to check out new postings! When I look back over my last year I am so grateful to be in a clearer place. I feel so sorry for old me, your site gave me alot of hope. I have so much compassion for myself now, Im listening to me, and what my feelings are telling me and honoring them. If you can not love and honor yourself how can you genuinely and honestly give true love to another. Love and honor thyself first. Your postings are great!

    1. Admin

      So glad to hear you have compassion for yourself — it makes a big difference, doesn’t it? and happy that the site gave you hope when you needed it.

      P.S. You can subscribe and get new posts by email; check the top of the sidebar or the footer.

  6. janes

    Dearest Admin,
    Hope all is well ! i religiously read every email that you send us. Thank you for being one of the Compasionate & Knowedgable Philoshers, Profhets, Teacher of the 2nd Englightment Age.
    Every new email makes my day & keeps me in safe & aware path called peaceful & happy life .
    Your emails make me see Psychos as they are not as i am. also, i call your books & posts a Night Vision Gagle to spot them in the darkness called ignorance of Pschopatic Mind.
    Recently, a fellow P victom friend suggested that i should also read a site written a Psycho could you please email me your opinion of the sites content.
    i am pretty bad in reading sublete emotional stuff.
    sorry for the typos

    1. Admin

      Janes?! I thought you were long gone, but you were actually out there all along. I’m glad to hear it, and happy to know you’re OK.

      I’m very familiar with that website. In fact, I’ve quoted the author several times on this site. I don’t mind talking about it here. I hesitate to recommend it for one reason: you might be triggered or find it disturbing. This guy is no boy scout. When you’re reading, don’t forget that a psychopath writes it. Reading a post shouldn’t be a straightforward thing; it should be like peeling the layers of an onion, carefully. Otherwise, you’ll take the fast lane down the rabbit hole. The host is polite, respectful, beyond charming, gracious, and even endearing. It’s good his mask is on; most of those sites are so abrasive that they’re intolerable for anyone other than fellow psychopaths (but don’t forget, it’s on for a reason!). One caveat, though, is that a lot of the truth seems to be sacrificed by his graciousness… but the fact is that none of it sacrificed. It’s all right there if you look.

      Another psychopath called the writer the most subtle and dangerous psychopath she knows. The thing is this — there’s a lot of value in his writing, and in the fact that he writes at all. Early on, I got tired of recycled, third-party facts and checklists and sanitized descriptions. Those provide knowledge, but not real understanding. This website can enhance the understanding you got through your own encounter, if that’s what you seek. So if you want to learn more by experiencing it in a more direct (yet safe) way, give the website a try. Don’t just read the words; read between the lines, and between every letter. Watch your own reactions and feelings and opinions as you do. It’s a revelation. Some question why he writes, so they question his authenticity. He has no other outlet at this time. Keep that in mind.

      The most startling observation for me is that of SEMANTIC APHASIA (Harvey Cleckley’s definition only).

      Good luck! Don’t fall down the rabbit hole. If you do, call me and I’ll come get you ;-)

    2. janes

      thanks a lot Admin !
      i knew you would give me the most practical/safe insight. Yes, i remember that you used to quote from them. i luved everyone of them !
      i like it when they share their nature with us ( i really am greatful for it) SINCE THEY NEVER LET ANYONE SEE WHATS REALLY UNDERNEATH THEIR MASK in everyday life. its one of the hardest think to grasp in life, since they are so diffrent then most of us.
      Ps motivation might be their love of the spotlight or trying to sell something or trying to recurite cult followers ect.
      Since last year when i first started reading your site/ Books , Sandra L Brown Books/emails, Aftermath Site, Dangerous Leasons , & rest of the heros, great Thinkers, Teachers , Leaders TORCHES make the world a more humane place to live.
      i have also been watching so many, so many depresive crime documentaries not to mention my personal experienses ,countles hurts/entanglements with them(sibling, close friends, BFs, Biz Dealings & all the other situations) i became pretty good at spotting them right away except for this one type “nice guy/nice gal” type, i think they are the most dangerous ones compare to the agreesive ones & i taught author of that site was quiete smooth(like most of the Ps) yet quite Generous with his sharing! Knowing/ understanding Ps is like stuyding an alien society, so to hear from the horses mouth how is it like to be a Psycho is priceless i feel.
      LOL , like i shared before Sun Tzu’s
      “person who know the self & the enemy wins every battle” so it has been the most useful knowledge for me to understand them thourghly , i work with them, i meet them everywhere & i USED to date them. i found out from a book written by Pschiratist specializes in NeuroScience discribed the brain’s diffrent centers showed me that i am an extremely highly susceptible individual( their fav. kind of victom) i know i ll have one way or another dealings with them rest of my life. When i get Zapped again i can quick realize it instead of self blaming, i bounce off quickly with a damage control.
      i appreciate your unbiased sharing of your experience with this & other sites.

      of course, LOL
      you are always the first person to run when i fall down the rabbit hall!!!

      As MLK said
      “i have a dream”
      & mine is someday soon, we register all the Psychos here & everywhere in the world just like in UK & Canada.
      Keep Up the Great Work

      1. Admin

        Thank you, Janes, for all of your kind words.

        Yes, watch out for the nice ones, and the quiet ones. They can take any form! “Charming” means whatever YOU think is charming, not only what we think of as the classic charmer. Charming, in my case, was a bumbling, humble, and self-effacing guy who made a fool out of himself because he was so enamored with me. Sheesh. He was absolutely none of those things.

        What is the name of the book you read? It sounds very interesting.

        “person who know the self & the enemy wins every battle” I love that quote.

        This is the whole quote:

        “It is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you will not be imperiled in a hundred battles;

        if you do not know your enemies but do know yourself, you will win one and lose one;

        if you do not know your enemies nor yourself, you will be imperiled in every single battle.”

        PS On the website we were talking about, notice the CONTRADICTION in different posts. Contradiction of all kinds is a big clue, and it’s illustrated so well there.


        1. janes

          nice description of Charming!
          cool, i pay attention to Contradictions.
          ive just read the previous suggestion
          Samantic Aphesia by Cleckly, great stuff. its all about MIMICKRY ha?
          thats why its hard to detech them.
          Name of the book is Inside the Investors Brain by Richard L. Peterson
          The best book on NeuroScience
          by far. Human Brain/human decision making reasons & process under Scientific Microscop Psychos & non. Disregard the financial stuff if u like.
          Following book is the 1st ever book i ve read on NeuroScience is called Why Him, Why Her (about Dating Compatibilites) Section on Explores will tell u all about Ps. great book
          Until next time

          1. Admin

            Thanks; I’ll take a look at both of them!

            Have you been following the story of the prison escapees in NY? R. Matt is a total psychopath, and it looks like he manipulated a female prison worker to act as their getaway driver (but of course FIRST he manipulated the prison to put him on a less-secure unit where he got to wear street clothes and work with civilian women, DESPITE his history of ultra-violence and past escapes). Luckily, she didn’t go through with it, but there’s a LOT about manipulation coming up in the news now. When inmates manipulate guards and others, it’s called “Downing the Duck.”

            Here’s a link: DOWNING THE DUCK

            Until next time!

  7. Asheley

    Thank god for you site, it’s gotten me through many sleepless, miserable nights. It’s been a safe haven!

    1. Admin

      Glad to hear it, Asheley, and nice to see you. I hope your nights will soon get better!

      1. Asheley

        They are much better admin, which I’m very happy about. You said to me once that this wasn’t a site that people typically end up at after a normal break up… you’ve said many important things to me that have helped me recover but that made me really get it. As simple a statement as it was, it made something click in my brain. Now I’m focusing on moving on. I still doubt what I know to be true from time to time, but instead of that being a daily occurrence, it’s a once a month moment where I freak out for a second because I start blaming myself… but then I remember all the details that point to sick disorder. I know I’m going to be ok! :)

        1. Admin

          I love it when things “click” for readers, and I’m happy that clicked for you! It’s natural to have doubts that persist for a while; after all, they planted plenty of doubts in our minds all along with their duplicity and denial. I agree, you will be OK. You’ve already made tremendous progress.

        2. Dee

          Ashley – I know what you mean. I was with an extremely sadistic and duplicitous psychopath, yet even now, I still sometimes doubt what I know to be true ( because if he was so awful, how could I have stayed in the relationship for almost 3 years). Then, like you , I trace back the lie and regain my center.

          You can only understand it, if you unfortunately experienced it first hand.

          Admin – I have a question: Are psychopaths always aware of the mask slipping? Does it slip because they relax in a relationship and their grandiosity makes them slip up, or do they have control over it and they take it off because they want to hurt a person?

          I have a feeling that they feel very superior in their game paying, i.e., lying and taunting with triangulation. It’s almost as though they have no realistic overview of what they are doing, consequently they get caught out.

          1. Admin

            “Are psychopaths always aware of the mask slipping? Does it slip because they relax in a relationship and their grandiosity makes them slip up, or do they have control over it and they take it off because they want to hurt a person?”

            Well, from what I know and experienced (in other words, I’m not sure this is fact but I believe it is) it happens for a few reasons: They are driven witless by having to wear a mask; no one can keep it up 24/7/365, so they can’t help but to slip up now and then, when they’re tired or they simply can’t contain their true nature another maddening moment.

            Also, they do intentionally take their masks off at times. Sometimes it’s part of the ‘game;’ it adds drama and excitement for them to show themselves and see how we react to it.

            It also happens when things are nearing the end and they don’t care to maintain the ‘relationship’ any longer. That’s often when people find out who they REALLY are. There is no reason to keep the mask on any longer.

            I think they do have a realistic overview of what they’re doing… and yet they don’t. It’s that good ol’ “manie sans délire” (rational insanity) that was used to first describe them, and that did it better than anything since. Another great term was “moral insanity,” a ‘madness’ of emotional or social dispositions without significant delusions or hallucinations.

            1. Dee

              Thanks Admin. It is absolute madness and then, they call us crazy!

              It also explains why psychopaths “bait and switch.”

              1. Admin

                And then they call US crazy!

  8. Asheley

    Admin, I would give you a big hug if I could!!

    1. Admin

      Thanks, and I’d give you one right back!

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