“Don’t ever trust anyone ever again!”
That was my mother’s advice to me when I told her about the psychopath. My response was, “How could you want such a terrible life for me?”
As I imagined ‘never trusting anyone again’ because of what the psychopath had done, I had the mental image of being a suspicious, fearful person living an isolated life, one which was destroyed by him. I would forever be his victim, safe but alone.
That would be a tragedy. I had bigger plans for myself: I would learn from my experience, learn how to trust and who to trust, and to trust myself (self-trust is self-confidence).
The betrayal we experienced was devastating. After something like that, it’s normal to withdraw and question everything and everyone. Our trust was violated, along with our hearts, minds, bodies, and souls. We close ourselves and turn inward. It is a necessary and beneficial part of the healing process. But as humans, we have a drive to connect with others. At some point we will want to come out from our isolation.
“Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens.”
~Carl Jung
“The risks of betrayal or rejection, though real, are outweighed by the certainty of insecurity and loneliness if we choose isolation.”
~Gordon Shippey
How do you know you’re ready to trust again? What does it take to be ready?
It takes confidence. Not confidence in others, but confidence in yourself. Confidence in yourself means you trust yourself.
It’s hard to trust others after what happened. And it’s hard to trust ourselves. After all, we didn’t see the truth of what was going on right before our eyes, and the psychopath was good at filling us with self-doubt even if we did.
But we have learned a lot since then.
What is trust, exactly?
“Trust is the ability to be vulnerable with another person. When you trust someone, you feel certain this person will keep your best interests in mind. You believe they are who they say they are. You believe the deepest parts of you will be safe with them.”
The psychopath was an expert at gaining our trust. In the beginning, they acted like they were a trustworthy person, so we trusted them. Then, as they changed into an untrustworthy one, it was easy for them to pull it off. Once we have an image of someone as trustworthy in our minds, that image takes precedence over reality. It’s simply a cognitive bias we have, one of the many automatic ways in which our minds work.
Psychopaths know this, and they take full advantage of it. In the words of one very articulate psychopath,
“Trust is absolutely pivotal. I try to cultivate trust in anyway I can. Empaths are blinded by positive emotions and are irrationally attached to the impressions they have of people. They are taught from an early age that there are ‘good’ people and there are ‘bad’ people. A solid sense of identity is extremely important to them, so everyone has to be categorized. Therefore, if someone thinks you are a ‘good’ person, you are automatically put into a box…So, how do you make people see you as a good person? That’s where trust comes in. How do you build trust? In various ways. Random acts of kindness, understanding, and lavishing of attention, to name a few…”
Now we are aware of it. Does it make a difference? Does our experience mean anything at all? Are we still just as vulnerable as we were before?
The psychopath goes on to say,
“Everyone around me is ranked based on usefulness, threat level and various other factors. As soon as someone’s threat level usurps their usefulness level I dispose of them without fail.”
And
“It is much more preferable to play with an unaware individual than an aware one.”
We are aware now. That makes us much less preferable. It even makes us a threat.
So who should we trust?
Trustworthy people are those who habitually, consitently do the things that engender trust. They keep their word. Their actions and words match. They aren’t deceitful. They don’t arouse suspicion. They don’t violate the boundaries they know we have. And they behave this way consistently.
“Trustworthiness is an abiding character state. A trustworthy person is someone who is reliable, consistent, and truthful in his or her actions across the board. It isn’t that this person is perfect. Rather, her actions tend to spring from and reinforce her moral values and commitments.”
Peg O’Connor, Ph.D.
“Trust can only be built over time. It grows when we experience repeated and consistent caring behaviour.”
Safe People, Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
A trustworthy person isn’t just worthy of our trust sometimes… they’re worthy of it all the time. On an ongoing basis.
Psychopaths can’t do that because they’re not really trustworthy — they only pretend to be, but their charade fails again and again because no one can keep up an act all the time:
“I can’t imagine even the most skilled manipulator can pretend to be human 24/7.”
~ anonymous psychopath
Instead of losing self-confidence because of what happened, you can have more than ever before. ‘Failure’ can build our confidence because of what it can teach us, if only we are willing to learn, and to believe in our knowledge, our experience, and ourselves.
Having confidence in yourself has a lot to do with trusting yourself.
A bird sitting on a branch is never afraid of the branch breaking, because her trust is not in the branch, but in her own wings.
Self-trust includes being aware of your thoughts and feelings and expressing them, following your personal standards and ethical code (in other words, sticking to your boundaries), knowing when you need to care for yourself first, and knowing you can survive mistakes.
Self-confidence is the state of self-assuredness and trust in yourself and your strengths and abilities. Your experience with a psychopath shouldn’t decrease your self-confidence — it should increase it, as you learn and grow throughout the healing process.
“When your whole life, the very fabric of your ‘being’ is a lie, you have much to be suspicious of. Every prolonged look is a highly trained P.I., every snapped twig a psychiatrist with straight jacket in tow.”
~ anonymous psychopath
*Quotes from ZKM at Sociopath’s Domain, unless otherwise noted. (Warning: Some readers may find this material disturbing)
For more about trust, read How to trust again after a relationship with a psychopath
♥ Thank you for reading.
Comments are closed.
Related Posts
Excellent! Excellent again as always!! The quotes from actual psychopaths were very helpful… A glimpse into their minds, seeing how they function and what they are thinking helped me to truly grasp their literal conscious brutality and cold disregard for others. This helped me to gain insight thereby reducing the cognitive dissonance. I would thank those psychopaths for their helpful input, but that would be thanking a predator for disclosing the ingredients of their poison after they injected us and those individuals deserve no thanks whatsoever nor do they deserve any sort of further narcissistic supply via thanks or praise so let’s be sure to do this correctly… I thank YOU for this site and for these amazing articles/blogs! U are helping to heal us, teach us, and guide us because heaven knows we need it in dealing with the aftermath of the embodiment of sheer evil that utilized and tried to destroy those that are the embodiment of sincere good! Thank u for ur site and continued help!
Thank YOU, Gina, for your very kind words! Much appreciated.
I agree, when we hear it straight from the horse’s mouth, we realize that what learned about them is true. It’s still kind of shocking. We also realize they’re not some sort of super-human entities, and we realize now that we know about them, we’re more powerful than we think we are.
Thank you Admin, a very comforting post, and I came to that same conclusion, we must trust ourselves again and then the world opens up again to us. How difficult that is though after 20 years of hell. But I’m nearly there, I make a few mistakes but I learn, I dust myself off and start again. And I’m reading plenty of fairy tales! xxx
Thank you, Nearlybel. I’m glad to hear that you’re trusting yourself again, and I’m glad I’m doing the same. I hope everyone will. We have no reason not to trust ourselves. xxx
I agree that this is a great post Admin and something that troubles all that have been so badly betrayed. For me, i didn’t need to regain my confidence as much since I left my marriage and had an affair with the psycho. He unwittingly made me realise what a gem my husband was compared to him. Lol. The best marriage counciling ever! My husband and I missed each other so badly that our relationship now is so good. Never going to take each other for granted again, it will last the rest of my life and I do not want to ever find another partner. The psycho did me a favour, he turned my life around, taught me a lot about relationships and I choose to learn from that.
But for those venturing out after being abused so badly, just think that you are now so much more aware of what constitutes a good relationship. You are much better placed to identify the baddies and take a wide berth.
I’m so happy to hear your marriage is so good now! I had to dab away a few tears of joy when I read that.
You’re right, the psychos did us all a favor (though it certainly wasn’t their intention) — we are now much more aware of what constitutes a good relationship, and a bad one.
Oh, I wanted to comment on thanking the psychopaths for their quotes when I use them. I struggle with that. Even if I don’t thank them publicly, I am glad there’s a handful out there who are willing to share their thoughts. It has helped my understanding a great deal. I hesitate to add links (which is customary when quoting someone) for fear of sending a fragile reader to a place that could cause more trauma. I figure if someone wants to find it, it’s not difficult. This one particular gal I quoted today, gets her thoughts across well and happens to be a skilled writer to boot, but her blog (which is abandoned) is a very dark place, both literally and figuratively.
I do think using their words adds a lot to some of the topics.
I find the psychopath’s quotes you include very very helpful. I have looked around a few times on Psychopath’s sites, and, yes, it is incredibly dark – I became emotionally, psychologically and physically sick. I don’t go back there because any benefit is outweighed by the harm. So thank you very much for going into that hell and bringing back some helpful quotes for us readers.
You’re welcome. I put on my hip waders and a mining hat, and go in. It’s sort of like spelunking.
I think it’s ok to reserve gratitude and thanks for those who do things with our well being in mind. Psychopaths do whatever they do motivated by power, control, attention, shock value. They are not giving anything when they share their thoughts, and they don’t care about nor appreciate our gratitude anyway.
I think their tells are for shock value, or to get people to focus attention on them when they perceive people are thinking about something besides them.
Good points. But as a blogger, I feel obligated to follow certain rules… I may add links in the future, add a warning, and let people fend for themselves.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your articles. They have provided me with more insight into the mind of my ex (20 years of hell & 4 years of recovering). I am still wondering what the heck happened, like a deer in the headlights. It has left me with depression, feeling uncertain about myself, not trusting anyone and very withdrawn from society might i add. Love the quotes as well. Thank you again.
You’re welcome, Sharlene. It helps to shine a light into those dark places, so we can see things for what they really are.
It’s OK to have a period where you withdraw, make sense of what happened, and regroup. The problem is only if you never come out again. I hope that one day soon, you will feel strong enough to emerge from that place. Have you read the post on liminality? https://psychopathsandlove.com/liminality-the-unsettling-space-of-the-in-between/
Hey There Its Sharlene again
I just read liminality and that is where i am right now and have been for 4 years. Still trying to make sense of it all and still in that dark space however trying to get better. 4 years ago it was so bad that i actually use to barricade myself in the house after work and not come out until morning, finally stopped doing that. My dark space is believing everyone is i meet is not genuine, has no integrity and has motives for everything. I trust no one except for my pets. Prior to meeting this psychopath i was a normal, social, well adjusted person. Will i ever feel that way again?
Shar
I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time. I remember well when the only being I trusted was my dog, and we spent plenty of time barricaded in the house together, too. But now I would dare to say that the majority of people are good ones who have integrity. You faith in humanity needs to be restored, my dear. I have no doubt you can go back to being the normal, well-adjusted person you were. What I recommend is a therapist who is competent in dealing with TRAUMA. In addition, a support group would be a good way to start getting out of the house. The therapist will probably know of one, or you could search for local groups for abuse survivors in your area. I hope you’ll do these things for yourself (((HUGS)))
I’m new to this sight. My wounds are still very fresh. I wanted to say thank you….I’m finding the information quite helpful.
Welcome! I’m happy you’re finding the info helpful. I know you’re in a dark place emotionally right now, and my heart goes out to you. It takes time, but you will get through it. Best wishes to you, Jill.
I’m 6 month’s into finding out a man I gave 22 yrs.and 2 children to is a registered with papers psychopath. It’s so hard to believe.But I look back, and I can see the signs I missed.Everyone even my children, think I’m crazy. I’m not. I’m destroyed. All my trust, my faith in people, even my sanity are all about gone . I’m still in shock and will be until I leave this world . He’s tried to kill me 4 times now.I moved out of my own home . I’m still afraid all the time.At least I don’t have to hide my pocketbook under my pillow or my phone in my pillow case.I just wish he would die, so I can live.
I’m very sorry you’re going through this. The thing I was most angry about was having my time wasted. But we can’t turn back the clock, much as we’d like to; we have to deal with what reality is now, no matter how bad it is. If you have good kids, they are a positive outcome of a bad situation, one that made the time worthwhile in at least one way.
All your trust and faith and sanity are about gone…but that means you have a little of each left. They will grow over time, hard as it is to believe. Right now, please make your safety your number one priority. Is law enforcement involvement an option? If he’s a registered psychopath (I’m assuming you live in the UK; as far as I know, we don’t have such a thing here), death threats should be taken very seriously.
I used to Google my ex-P’s obituary every week, just in case…one can dream! But you can’t count on that, as you know. Please keep yourself safe, and also find a support group and/or a therapist. Many people have left comments here who were involved with a psychopath over many years or decades. There is life afterward. Maybe one is reading this, and will have a few words for Teresa?
You really got it right when you said you’re still in shock, and will be your whole life. No matter how much I learn about what I experienced, I am and will always be in shock. I had no idea. None of us did.
All the best to you. Please come back and let me know how you do.
Teresa, I was only with my psycho for a short time, so others might be able to give you more advice, but find yourself a psychologist that specialises in abuse. Best thing I did, other than leave the psycho. Your kids will come around, just give them time. My psycho had different personas for different people, so he was a perfect upstanding citizen to most and kept his bad behaviour all for me, lol. People will make of it what they choose, you can’t change that. Those who pull away and don’t support you aren’t your real friends, steer clear of them for the moment, they may come around later. Just think that the psycho has made you see what’s important in life with much more clarity. You will appreciate the small things in life far more now, it’s like a rebirth for me.
You’ve made the hardest move, now stay strong and move forward for your own and your children’s sake.
I thought the man I knew was my best friend. Met him on a dating site and became friends only for 6 months. We told each other everything. We talked for hours on end on the phone every night. We also messaged each other every day. Yes we teased around with each other on the phone or through messaging but it meant nothing. Till my birthday he sent me a pic of his junk and said happy birthday, now delete it. I couldn’t believe he sent that to me and then he said that he should be getting paid interest for letting me barrow money, but I told him that we were friends and my friendship should be enough. Then he said that if he let me barrow $100 he should get a hand job. $200 a blow job and $300 he got to get my ass. I couldn’t believe he talked to me like this because he never has. So I texted him and asked him was he being serious and he said no he was just trying to let me know what kind of men were on that site. Well a week went by and I did ask him if he would mind doing something for me. I asked if he would like to mess around but no kissing and no sex. He said no he didn’t think that would be a good idea and said it was no big deal I just wanted to see if I would feel bad if I was to do something like that. The reason is because I was 43 and only been with two men. The first was for 24 yrs and I met him when I was 16 and the second was in March of 2013. About a few days later he agreed to do what I asked so he came over on a sat night and it was nice and he didn’t try anything. I laid my head on his chest and told him for some reason I feel safe with you and have complete trust, I told him I didn’t know why I just did. So I told him goodnight and said I would call him when I woke up if I felt bad about what we did. The next morning I felt fine, I didn’t feel guilty or bad but when I called him and told him he said he felt very guilty and bad. I asked him how can he feel like that when we didn’t really even do anything and he was with a woman 3 weeks prior and they had sex. He said he didn’t know but he said he didn’t want to do anything anymore and I was OK with that. Aprox 2-3 weeks later I get a call from him telling me he wasn’t going to work because his house was a mess and wanted to know if I would mind coming over to clean for him to make some extra money for vacation. And sent me a pic text of his counter that just had a bunch of junk on it. But something told me not to go and it was strong and I even told my daughter the feeling I had and she told me not to go but it sounded as if he had been crying and I’m the type of person that is always there for people. So I get over there and wait an hour for him to open the garage door to let me in because he was in the attic running wires for his new TV. I get in his house and ask him what does he want me to do and he tells me. So as I was doing his clothes I asked him do you want me to wash your sheets, he said you can but you might find something you won’t like. I said if it is anything disgusting then for him to get it. Then he reaches under the pillow and pulls out a big gutting knife. He watches me as he pulls it out. To me at the time I thought he had it there for protection. So I took his sheets, washed them and put them back on. There is a lot that went on that night that makes me believe he had it all planned why he was going to do and let’s just say I should have listened to my gut. Yes he raped me. All I could do was think about that knife and why it was really under his pillow. But when he said he was going get to For me, I said no your not and said no many times. He held my arms down and proceeded to do what he did. I turned my head to the right and basically left my body, then I remember looking over and he had all of his weight on my body and I turned my head to the right and left my body again, then I turned my head and looked at him ND he had his hands around my neck. I told him to get his hands off of my neck. He said but I’m not choking you, and I said get your hands off my neck now. He did listen but pulled me to the side of the bed and proceeded to touch me down there again, this time it felt different and I asked him what did he do with the condom and he said he took it off and I said why would you do through you could give me something, he said oh well might as well put it in then and began raping me again. Then he was going soft and looked down at me and said you really didn’t want to do anything did you? I said, NO what do you Thu kid no means. He got off of me and I went I to the bath room and when I came out he came of er and yelled at me shaking his penis and condom at me saying get he didn’t do anything. And went into the kitchen. After I put my clothes back on and went to leave he had his head between his hands shaking it back and forth. I actually thought he felt disgusted with what he had done and he was sorry and I touched his back and told him everything get would be OK. But now I know I was in shock because I couldn’t comprehend that a man that I just told that I felt safe with him and trusted him could do this to me. I was in bed for 3 days with massive pain inside me. No I didn’t go to the cops, I just was not right in my head. But he called me at 5am and talked for 3 hours but I have no idea what we or he even talked about because I was so wore out after what he done to me and me being confused or what ever you want to call it. Then later that day he calls me and tells me that I raped him. I said no I didn’t. He said he had proof and sent a picture of his butt cheek with a big bruise on it. I said you did that in your addict. But we still talked but now I know what he was doing. But had no clue at the time. But he was being nice to me and treating me very nice. Then he comes to my apartment one night and treats me like he loves me. The way he held me to the way he kissed me. But we did not have sex. He even stayed the night and held me the entire night. So in my head I thought he was showing me how sorry he was. Yes I know stupid me. Then the 4 time we were together he was being rough and I asked him to stop because it hurt then he pulls my hair and I look at like WTF and told him to stop and kept trying to make him stop by putting my hand down there to try to stop him from doing it so hard. He said I want you so bad but I don’t know if I can stop. I still don’t know what he meant by this comment. But he did stop. Then one night he calls and says to me, do you know what I would like to do to you? I was like what? He said hang me from his ceiling with only my tip toes touching the chair, then he said he would also like to put a wire around my neck and twist it and see how many times he would have to twist it unroll I quit breathing and something about bending me over his swimming pool and then said something about shallow graves. I asked him whatin the heck was he talking about and why would he say such things and where would he hear such things because never in my life have I heard such things. And I love scary /horror movies but not one movie have I eve watched had anything in it like that. He told me that he was watching a couple of movies and that was in them and he thought he would say it to me to see what I would say. So I looked on line to see why a man would want rough sex. And BDSM came up. And then I remembered that a man on that dating site had messaged me had that he was into that stuff so I messaged him and asked if I could ask him some questions about it but I wasn’t into it but wasn’t judging him. He said OK. So we talked for like 3 hours and I told him every thing that had been going on and he told me that even in the BDSM world they do not say things like that and he believes he is a sociopath/physcopath and to get away from him because he was going get to end up killing me. So I looked up about soc/phycopaths and it said that if they are not ready to let you go they will come after you. So at this point I was scared and don’t know what to believe because he was the nicest person except when he would do or say weird crap. Then aprox 5 hours later I get a call from him. The first thing out of his mouth was, you know what I do to people that betray me? I was like what but in a scared WTF way. He said, I do away with them. He was saying get other things but I don’t remember because of what he just said scared the crap out of me. So that means he either has my cell phone bugged, my apartment phone bugged or even my apartment bugged. Then he became the regular man that I knew again. There is so much that went on during this year and a half that it could be a book but at the end I was at his house and he was acting very weird when we woke up. He asked if he could ask me Question and I said yes then he’s like no it OK. I said no go ahead so he did. He asked me what I thought of the real G—? I said I don’t know what you are talking about. I know regular G—, and goofy G—and he even considered him self as Hyde on many occasions. He said no the real G—, then he started to act really weird and talking weird and the WY he moved was wired. I asked him what in the heck he was doing, he said this is the real G—. I said no, I don’t know who this person is a do that you were doing this last night and I asked him to stop because he was scaring me. He said that this is the real him the possessed him. I told him to stop because he knows I don’t like stuff like that. Then he stopped and went right back to the man I knew. Then he started getting mad over I still don’t know what a do was going around and getting my stuff together. He was being very mean and weird and I told him I was done, and I was going around his house to get my things and he followed me right over my shoulder and I told him he didn’t have to follow me because he knew I wasn’t going to take anything from him. I told him I was going to call his mom and tell her goodbye and he told me I wasn’t calling her. I asked what was the big deal if I called her and told her goodbye. He looked at me and said , I warned you, if you call my mom I will shoot you between the eyes. I seen his face and knew he meant it. So gathered my stuff to get the heck out of there then he started crying and begging me not to leave and said he doesn’t know why he says the things he says and begged me to forgive him and that he was sorry. I told him I’m sorry but I’m done. And left. So being he messed with my head so much and I would catch him in lies, like a bathing suit and bra on his master bath room door hanging half inside out and damp and not to mention a used condom in the bedroom trash with two pieces of gum stuck to it, almost like it was put there on purpose. But figured I would talk to his ex wife to get answers. She decided to talk to me and one of the things she said to me was, so you are the secret. I left it be because I don’t really know what she was talking about. I went and told her things that he told me and did to me and she didnt seem phased by any of it until I showed her a video with my dog and how much my dog loved him and he was laughing and loving the kisses that my dog was giving to him. Or at least acted like he did. But that is when I seen a change in her. She got very nervous acting etc and wanted to get out of there. We continued to talk that evening that evening then I get a text from him asking me what did I do? I said nothing and didnt know what he was talking about. He began pleading with me to for give him and thy he loved me etc… Then he kept asking if I was a lone line 6 times and I lied and said no. I told him to get off of his phone and get back to work before he got in trouble, he said he had to leave work because he lost his two best friends the same day. Yes she lied and texted him after she promised she wouldn’t. But any how a few days into all of this drama she started cutting herself at work. She made it a text message that went to both me and him. I know I shouldn’t say this but I think she is an attention seeker. But I knew when he woke up and seen these messages I was dead. And he saw them and called me, I wasn’t going get to answer him but I wanted to record him. And as we were into it I told him that he threatened to shoot me between the eyes, then he said I will do it to. And I said you will do will you, then he was like no, see how you turn things around. But I have him recorded saying it. Also text messages saying which loved of one should I start with first. But he said some really crude and very mean things. He even said, I’m glad your mothers dead to. What kind of sick person say things like this. So even know this is a lot of information this is far from all of it. I truly loved him, yes I know your saying how can you love this monster, but I finally found something on line called trauma bonding. And this is what these monsters do to get you. He also told me just one more thing he would own me. I am scared especially with everything he has do eat to me from gaining my trust to making me feel safe with him to raping me to saying weird things to me to probably having either my apartment or phones bugged or both. And I believe he also gets on the same dating site under different profiles but with no picture. On guy sent a message at 11:30 pm and it said good night, I hope I find you in your sleep. Among a lot of other weird stuff. It’s just scary because I don’t know who I can trust. I did go to the sheriffs Sept after he threatened my life but as I was driving there to the county it happened in I get a text message from a guy and he just wrote, well. I said I am in c…… He then said screwing around with him again? I put no….. And then told him I already I had to go to the county it happened in. Then he texted me to take a picture right now and send it to him and he would use the GPS to know that I’m not around. My daughter told me not to so I didn’t. But I couldn’t understand why he would say to show that I am not around. Especially when this guy lived an hour the opposite way. Then when I got to the sheriffs station I got a very weird feeling as If I was being watched. I did tell most of what happened between us and the sheriff heard some of the recordings but I was having trouble trying to find the one where he threatened me. But I chickened out when it came to giving his name and address. I had that strong feeling not to like I got when something told me not to go to his house. This man would tell 2me about these reacurring dreams he would have about killing people and putting them in shallow graves. And one that his brother even helped cover it up. Not to mention the one time he had this awful death smell coming from the bed of his truck but he had a cover on it to where you couldn’t see in the bed, and he has never had that on his truck anytime I saw him. And I saw him almost every weekend and once in the while during the week. And also I went over to barrow some money once and he met me at a store to get it and I went to get in his truck and there was little pieces of dirt and gravel covering the entire passenger seat. I asked him what it was and he said he put his tools on the seat but there was no imprint that would make that so. And the scary thing is that 5 women have come up missing in his county. They have found all but one. One was found naked in a parking lot of a church and had no recognition of where she has been or what happened to her. And two of them was found in the creek that is in the county that he lives. One of them came up missing Dec 26 2014 and found her body Jan 5 in the creek. And the scary thing she resembled me…. And we were over the end of Nov. And she was killed the end of Dec. When I told him about all the weird things he said to me and the Things he wanted to do to me a do the rape he told me that I don’t have any proof so try to prove it. I’m going to try to get phone records if I can. I just believe my gut intuition is right about everything. Then I get a call March 10th at 4:30 am from the guy that asked why I was and wanted me to send him a pic etc. But I answered because no one calls at that time in the morning and he said you don’t know who this is do you. Then he said his name but that is who I thought it was until he started saying what he was saying. He said that he was still so mad at me. So mad. I said then why did u call me and how did you know that I was even awake, did u check the dating site and seen I was on? He said no, I just know what you do. Then he went on about how much he missed talking to me, how much he missed hearing my voice. And he misses my smile and he said you don’t know how much I really like you do you? I said no because I don’t really know you. I told him that I don’t understand how he can say all of that when I haven’t even met him in person and hardly even talked to him on line or by text or phone. But something is telling me it’s G—. Please help me…
You must get away from this man. He is a sick person, a violent person, and you’re going to end up murdered if you continue on this path with him. You need to go to the police ASAP and tell them everything, including the fact that you think he might be involved with the five women who ended up missing or dead, and they must provide you with protection because he is dangerous and has already threatened you. You can not deal with this situation on your own any longer. Even if he had nothing to do with the missing women (and I think there’s a good chance that he did, and if so he will kill again, and you can prevent it), you need to take action to protect yourself. Today.
There is absolutely NO QUESTION in your situation. None. Contact your local domestic violence organization as well, immediately, and find out what services they can offer you. Please don’t delay! You have to get yourself out of harm’s way, and start rebuilding your self-worth, and taking these steps is the way to do it. You do not deserve to have this sick, violent man in your life! I wish you the best of luck. Let me know what happens.
Be Thank you for ur support. I have not had any face to face contact with him sinceNov. But being that I lovesholoveshom I did text him
His momtold me that he gets my texts and reads thembut dont respond to them. I know now from researching the internet that I am experiencing trauma bonding. He knew exactly whathe was doing. So after 5 long terrible months with out him in my life, even at one pointin Dec I even thought about ending it because the emotionalpain I was in but god was therefor me. My insurance don’tpay for me to get the help I need so I’m going through this on my own. I will get through this with god on my side. I know in my gut that it was him that called me early that morning. Then when I tried to talk to him the next day to see why he would say all of them things to me when he don’t even know me he got angry and yelled, if you don’t know then, then forget about it and hung up on me. Then he called me a few days later yelling at me telling me I am one of them people that would hurt my own child to get people to feel sorry for me. I told him he was sick in the head and needed help. But he said this to me when I messaged him why I was scared to go to the cops because it would make it real. And how I hid behind it like it never happened because I didn’t know how to deal with knowing that I let a monster in my life. So with everything else I wrote in that message was pertained to G—. The man that raped me. So why would this guy get so mad and say such rude things to mean and tell me that the sheriff would be knocking on my door and that he has talked to his lawyer. I don’t even know or even met this man face to face. So I believe it is G—. Then he called me twice on the 5th of April and left a voice message of him breathing. I don’t know if he forgot to hang up or if he done it on purpose. But none of these calls started happening until I quit texting him. It’s been almost a month and a half of not messaging him. Yes I still have bad days, but finding sites like this one and the one that talked about trauma bonding especially with a narcissist fits him to a tee and what he did to control me. Be so loving then turn into an ass and I would be the one saying I’m sorry. But men like that look for women like me. He watched me for months to mirror me and then had the nerve to say he waited 6 months to be with me, I said you didn’t wait on anything, you took… I’m getting the nerve to go back to the sheriffs office and give them the written statements and copies of the recordings. But so many weird things keep happening in my families life and I don’t know if it is associated with him. The reason I say this is because of what is going on with my dad and I had a guy come out of the blue on the same dating sight saying he had to make another account because things didn’t work out and that she had to be punished. I asked him why would he say she had to be punished and wouldn’t be messing with no one else you know what I mean Kim. Then after a couple more messages I told him to have a good life. Then he replies and to you to, and I hope your dad is doing well also. The thing is he don’t have a reason to say anything about my dad. He don’t even know my dad nor have I ever talked about him to this man. So could this be G—again? Just another way to threaten me? Especially after what I wrote about him to the other guy that called me early in the morning. Just confused. But not crazy. I know exactly what is being said and what is going on. And every time I get weird messages like that I take snap shots with my phone for evidence. Will do what I have to do to put this monster away. Especially so he can’t rape and maybe even take the life of another person. I will check into DV places in my area and also try to get help from someone to talk to so they can help me get through this. It’s still so hard to believe that someone that I told that I trusted and felt completely safe with could do this to me……
I’m glad to hear you haven’t had contact with him for a month and a half. That’s one of the things that will help break the bond. You’ll be able to get counseling and support at the DV place. I’m glad you’re going to take action and contact them! It’s a very positive thing you’re doing for yourself. It’s too much for anyone to handle alone. The police need to know about him. Make sure to tell them that he might be targeting your family members. It’s very smart that you’ve been collecting evidence. Hopefully he will end up where he belongs, behind bars. Your description of him was very disturbing.
I agree, it sounds as if he’s intimidating and stalking you by hiding behind fake profiles on the dating site. Maybe taking a break would be good for you. This sounds like the time to focus on yourself.
Thanks for this update. You will get through this. Please take good care of yourself and above all stay safe.
Your safety is the most important thing. Try to think clearly about what to do to stay safe. If you contact a DV shelter first, they can help you go to the police. It can be very overwhelming dealing with law enforcement. Depending on where you are they can be more or less understanding about what you’re going through.
Thanks, Annette. This makes sense.
This site has given me so much strength in the last day or so as I come to realise how lucky I am to have escaped early on into the ‘relationship’. I have always considered myself strong and mindful but very very quickly my boundaries and what I accepted were broken down as I longed for the ‘perfect’ vision he offered.
What I am struggling with is, do these men/women do all of this conciously? Are they aware of the cycle of behaviour and do they intentionally set out to find a victim – like a rapist or serial killer – do they plan it or is it more spontaneous… a learned response they just ‘do’? I am finding it very hard to accept that I was chosen as a ‘victim’ because (and this goes to show the power a psychopath has) he did indeed sweep me off my feet, and as soon as I threatened power… gone. All whilst continuing to feed me lines of love, like hansel and gretal following breadcrumbs.
I don’t know what is worse – that I was intentionally and callously ‘chosen’ to screw up, or that it is just what he ‘does’ and he doesn’t even realise it… Your thoughts would be welcome.
I’m so glad to hear the site has given you strength! You are lucky to have gotten out early. They do it purposely… yet they can’t do anything else. Apparently, their behavior stems from subconscious drives.
Psychopaths are driven to play this “game,” over and over, throughout their lives. It’s all about devaluation.
Devaluation is driven by unconscious greed and envy, according to psychopathy expert Dr. Reid Meloy. When the psychopath is envious, he loses his much-needed feelings of superiority and grandiosity. The psychopath’s greed and envy causes hatred, and that hatred creates wishes to destroy the object of his or her envy, which in turn eliminates the envy. When envy is eliminated, superiority and grandiosity are temporarily restored.
It is important to understand that envy is hatred of the good object, and greed is the desire to have all the ‘contents’ of the good object.
Meloy says the psychopath must act out this manipulative cycle repetitively and compulsively in order to experience feelings of exhilaration and contempt (contemptuous delight), which perpetuate his feeling of grandiosity. The manipulative cycle is a ‘purification process’ for the psychopath, which projects all the bad onto the victim of his manipulation. It is described as a narcissistic repair of the psychopathic process that restores a primitive and defensive equilibrium. They need to do this because their grandiose self is threatened, but must be kept intact.
The psychopath will continue to ward off others by devaluing them, Meloy says, but also continue to seek out new victims. Once he finds a victim his greed and envy cause rage and sadism, and the victim is devalued and destroyed. When that has been accomplished, the psychopath’s need for devaluation will start all over again.
You can read the whole blog post here: The Game You Didn’t Know You Were Playing
Hope it helps xo
Here’s another one that helps explain it:
Shiny Objects: A Deeper Look at Idealization and Devaluation
Hi Indigo,
In my experience, psychopaths don’t bond, so it is nothing personal for any particular victim. It is more that the target was at the wrong place at the wrong time. Psychopaths are opportunists when it comes to their prey. They are predators, and any prey that’s available is fair game.
It is painful to understand that we victims mean nothing as individuals; it is in some ways worse to be so insignificant. On the other hand, it frees us from feeling like we did something wrong to cause our victimization or deserved it in some way because of some quality of ours.
That being said, psychopaths do choose victims with certain traits – those of us who are generous, giving, forgiving, loving, trusting. These are good traits to have, but they make it easier for a psychopath to manipulate us. The trick of recovery is to retain these good traits, and develop the type of boundaries that will prevent manipulation.
Sometimes psychopaths target particularly successful, attractive, popular victims, because it’s more fun for them – greater duping delight – to bring a strong victim down and cause her pain.
Thanks, Annette. That’s helpful.
In the case of the psychopath I was involved with, he intentionally built a place where he would have a steady stream of potential victims coming to him. I just happened to wander in, but if I didn’t he would have chosen someone else. He was a very intentional predator. I’m sure others are more of the opportunistic type, but they can go about it either way. The one sure thing is that they’ll always need a new victim.
Thanks for your reply. I also think psychopaths need a constant supply of victims. It’s part of what defines them. To clarify, when I said ‘opportunistic’ I meant that they prey on any victim that’s available; that it’s not a personal thing in the sense of who one is as an individual. That’s a concept that evades them anyway. Even when they seek out a particular victim, it still doesn’t matter who that person is as a person. It’s difficult to describe because it’s such a foreign concept to normal people. The individuality of a person whom we know as a friend or family member, is what our bond with them is based on and underlies why we love them. It’s chilling to imagine a psychopath who really doesn’t care who his children are – any child with particular traits that suit the psychopath will do.
I misused ‘opportunistic.’ That wasn’t the right word.
I understand what you’re saying. It’s why what they do is so dehumanizing.