Recently I got a comment from a terrified reader with a violent ex, who didn’t know where to turn. She wrote,
“Two years ago I found out I was pregnant with our second child. Let me tell you, it does NOT get better.
During that pregnancy, I endured abuse both physically and emotionally. He withdrew from me, cheated on me, and on the day I bore his child his girlfriend was messaging him. I stayed with him for two more years (until just a couple weeks ago).
He’s been unemployed all along, and his mother (whom he has groomed against me) has funded everything for him including 7 guns of which he left unlocked with ammunition in them in our house with small children. After a recent move, his rage turned into life threats against me and I was told that there would be a ‘blood bath’.
When he realized I was going to move out, he tried to stop me, and said he would be better. We went back and forth on this ‘kindness mixed with violence’ scenario for a few more weeks until I finally got the gumption to pack up my babies, an over night bag, and get the hell out. I obtained a restraining order against him and took the kids into hiding…
Looking back, I really wish I had known the true definition of a psychopath or that I had read this website… because I’ve come to find out that his promises are predominantly false time and time again. He’s depleted me of almost everything I ever had. All except the precious children which we share. Now he is trying to seek sole custody. Not because he wants the kids. But because he wants to “win”… and somehow he has simulated a very believable story that he is the victim. WHO, if anyone, will shed light on this horrific disease that leaves the victim and children completely powerless?”
I had no idea what to tell her to do. Another reader left the the following response for her, which I believe may help many other readers:
- “You must document everything in an irrefutable manner. Keep all texts and emails. (There’s an app you can get to send your texts to your email, with date stamps.) Do not take his bait. He will bait you, just to get you to react “crazy,” and then he will have recorded you acting “crazy,” except he will have omitted what he did first to explain that your “crazy” reaction was reasonable…
- “Read Tina Swithin’s book, “Divorcing a Narcissist,” all works by Bill Eddy, and “Scared To Leave, Afraid To Stay: Paths From Family Violence To Safety,” which contains studies that will make it harder for any judge to believe your husband’s charming lies.
- Expect him to file 24 hour ex parte motions against you, filled with lies, at times when you are least able to drop everything to respond. For this reason, you must get a lawyer that has read and agrees with Tina Swithin, Bill Eddy, Barry Goldstein, and the works of Lundy Bancroft…
- The fact he has guns is horrific. Print out the cases of mothers and children being killed by the abuser dad, and present them to law enforcement.
- Record everything you’re doing with law enforcement too, in an irrefutable manner.
- Also, google and make an Evidentiary Affidavit of Abuse (and EAA) for yourself. There’s an app to help you make one.
- The dynamic of abuse is that the abuser knows his target is already weakened, and less able to get these things done. Find the strength, for your children, to do them anyway. I’m so sorry. We must teach the next generations how to spot abusers, so they can avoid having children with them. It’s too late for this generation….but it’s not your fault. This knowledge simply wasn’t available until just recently.”
For more resources, please see the sidebar category titled “HIGH-CONFLICT PARTNER/ EX?”
♥ Many thanks to this reader for her help! And best wishes to all of you who find yourselves in this difficult and frightening situation.
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“I loved the author’s ability to simply and compassionately describe why, and how, I feel victim to a monster. For me, she eloquently describes the most complex, confusing, horrific experience of my life.. To the author, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart.”
“Her writing was like discovering a mentor, a friend, a sponsor, a confident who understood, who explained in detail what happened to me in my relationship with this man. I felt like something in the universe directed me to her. Her books will help you understand the hows and whys of what you went through. Your healing can begin with her writings.”
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