The Psychopath: Truly and Fundamentally Different

 “My mother, the most beautiful person in the world. She was strong, she worked hard to take care of four kids. A beautiful person. I started stealing her jewelry when I was in the fifth grade. You know, I never really knew the bitch — we went our separate ways.”

Quote from “Without Conscience,” by Dr. Robert Hare

Despite what is known about psychopaths — they have no conscience, they’re human predators, they have no real identity, they wear masks (personas) to blend in, they purposely manipulate and harm others — many people still hold tight to their mistaken beliefs that psychopaths are ‘acting out their issues.’ They believe psychopaths act as they do because of deep wounds to their psyches or a failure to bond with their mothers.

Some people are simply unable to grasp that another human could be so drastically different from themselves, as evidenced by comments like this one that I receive regularly from readers:

“…And you know what? I am sure the psychopath isn’t even aware of this destruction… he is a big, big, helpless child, seeking for attention and life-connections…”

In this post, I’m not just speaking about victims who don’t get it. Many mental health professionals don’t get it either, because they’re hopelessly stuck within traditional psychological paradigms. This is a real tragedy because victims can get no help from such therapists, and in fact will suffer more harm at their hands.

“We’ve all heard the explanations: People abuse because they were abused themselves and act-out their inner pain; Bullies are really cowards “underneath;” Those who try to assert power and control over others are really insecure individuals, suffering from low-self esteem; Serial cheaters have trust wounds and are therefore “commitment-phobic,” etc. And even though great strides have been made in recent years with respect to recognizing the true nature of character disturbance, some of these notions, derived from traditional psychology paradigms, unfortunately persist despite mounds of empirical evidence that they are in error.”

~ George Simon, PhD, expert on manipulators and other problem characters, author of In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People. Quote from his article, ‘Serious Abusers And Psychology’s Failure to Understand Them’


Even when psychopaths themselves tell us how their minds work, it is hard for some to accept as the truth:

“Tony then explained how ‘fucking stupid’ most people are and believe anything as long as you liberally apply the words ‘I Love you’. He then said, “The best ones are the ones who didn’t get any love as kids; parents were a bit cold and so on. People from these families will do anything if you tell them you love them. They are like addicts or something. They never had, you know, parental affection and love as kids. It’s a bit weird, alright, but you can spot these a mile away.” ~Defeated Demons: Freedom from Consciousness Parasites in Psychopathic Society, by Thomas Sheridan

“When I look for these people, I look for someone to exploit, someone to expose all their weaknesses to themselves and leave them broken, hating themselves more than most of them already do. I enjoy causing people to realize the nasty truths of themselves (which is usually that they are pathetic lying individuals) even if I have to be hypocritical and lie myself in order to get my point across.” ~ a female psychopath

Here are words from James Fallon, PhD, a psychopathic person, explaining how he interacts with his wife, sister and mother:

“…I don’t treat them all that well… I treat my family …like they’re just somebody at a bar… It’s a kind of cruelty, a kind of abuse…You don’t want to be married to me or be my kid or close friend because I’ll kind of dump you, and I don’t even think about it.”

George Simon, PhD, neatly sums up the truth about psychopaths here:

“Psychopaths are the only known intra-species predators. And, as I assert in my writings and have learned from years of experience with such folks, the reason for this is that they consider themselves superior creatures compared to common humans. They have the most malignant form of narcissism. They know all too well how different they are from the rest of us but don’t consider this a shortcoming. Rather, they consider themselves more than “special.” They consider themselves distinctly superior to those who possess two characteristics they don’t have: empathy and conscience. The way they see it, folks with a heart and with those things the rest of us call “qualms” are an inferior breed, the perfect patsies, and their rightful prey.”

The truth is very difficult to understand from our own frame of reference. It’s important to understand it eventually, though, because it’s these differences that cause the harm we experience. In addition, a lack of understanding can perpetuate the emotional bond; you’ll believe you’re involved with a person who is capable of an actual relationship and so you’ll try to save what you think is a relationship, when you’re actually involved in a victimization with a predator.


♥ Love to all

Comments are closed.

“Such a great gem. One of my favorite books about this subject as the author paints such a clear picture of what these relationships are like.”

“Practical, concise, well-written and researched. Everyone should have a copy of this book. In fact, they should give one to every high school student. That would prevent a lot of people from getting involved in ‘?relationships’? with these hidden, manipulative predators. An easy five stars, I wish I could give it a hundred!”

Related Posts

67 thoughts on “The Psychopath: Truly and Fundamentally Different”

  1. K.L.

    Another great post! I appreciate this one because my mind sometimes starts hoping none of this is real and maybe I just imaged the whole experience, maybe he’s not that bad after all. And then reality awakens when I read your latest material. By the way, I promise to buy your book on payday here really soon. Thank you for all you do for us!

    1. Admin

      You’re welcome, K.L. And my thanks to you, too.

      The danger of not knowing the truth is contained in your comment: “maybe he’s not that bad,” and that thought opens the door for us to go back in. But even if some readers come to the conclusion their partner was *not* a psychopath, it doesn’t mean they should resume or continue a toxic relationship.

      1. Andrew

        I’m just reading an article entitled The Psychopath: a new sub-species of homosapien. I was hoping maybe to see if there have ever been any psychopaths among pure Africans because if the psychopathic gene comes from Neanderthal, then there should be no such thing as a psychopathic pure African. Yes, you are right – their advantage now comes from looking and acting just like us and blending in. Now with the electronic age, though, we can educate others and is why your site and books (and those of others) are so important.

        1. Adelyn Birch

          If there have been psychopaths amongst pure Africans, it would blow our theory. There’s no way to know, but my guess is that if there were any, they were really sociopaths ;-)

          Thank goodness for the internet. I shudder to think of what happened to people before they could search for answers after experiencing a psychopath.

    2. Andrew

      I’m wondering what you think about the psychopath genes descending from the Neanderthal? I know they are said to have buried their dead and cared for their sick and injured but, due to lower level light at higher latitudes, their eyes were much bigger so there wasn’t room for frontal lobe development. They killed and canabalized their own according to an article I was reading on evolution. I hope I can find it again. There would have been other structural differences and wiring as well in the Neanderthal brain. It has now been shown that the early Cro Magnon interbred with the Neanderthal.

      1. Adelyn Birch

        I have no idea if Neanderthal genes have anything to do with psychopathy. I do know that most of us have some Neanderthal genes — most Europeans and Asians have between 1 to 4 percent Neanderthal DNA (Indigenous sub-Saharan Africans have no Neanderthal DNA). These genes affect us, of course, but it depends on what portions of the Neanderthal genome we inherited. They most commonly affect our skin, hair and propensity to certain diseases. As you said earlier, homo sapiens were the ones to survive while Neanderthals died out, and psychopaths seem pretty hardy to me. But since Neanderthals had smaller frontal lobes–which are the origin of empathy and morality–maybe they’re linked in some way?

        1. Andrew

          Please see the article Neanderthal DNA Has Subtle but Significant Impact on Human Traits ( dated Feb. 11, 2016.

          1. Adelyn Birch

            Anything is possible! What I wonder is, why do their numbers stay so low and so constant (supposedly)?

    3. Andrew

      That’s a good question and one I’ve contemplated myself. One answer may be that there’s a lot more psychopaths out there than we think. Another may be the traits that gave Cro Magnon the advantages back then still do to some extent today. (You can read about these online.) Another may be their seeming preference for sodomy (and why so many of them are bisexual). Sex for them is about exercising their dominance and ties into my answers on your question of why psychopaths like to hurt others. Although they may be stronger, individually, from an evolutionary standpoint, they still don’t seem to have the ability to really work together in a group (unless they dominate the group) and there is always strength in numbers.

      1. Adelyn Birch

        Good thinking on all of your points, Andrew!

    4. Andrew

      Thanks! I look forward to more thoughts from your site and am planning to buy your books.

      1. Adelyn Birch

        Thanks for a very thought-provoking conversation! Let me know if more ideas come up. Maybe I’ll turn it into a blog post?!

        I hope you find the books helpful, Andrew.

    5. Andrew

      Just want to correct myself on one point. They obviously did work as a group to some extent as they killed large game and lived in small groups but from what I’ve read they were internally more competitive than the Cro Magnon.

      1. Adelyn Birch

        That makes sense. Evolutionary psychology offers a theory that psychopathy is not a disorder, but an evolutionary adaptation. This theory views psychopathy as a social strategy, one that benefits the individual instead of the group. By living amongst us, they have the best of both worlds! It didn’t work when a society was made up only of others like themselves, or when they looked differently from us… but now they’re hidden amongst us. I think we’re onto something, Andrew! What do you think of this?

        1. Adelyn Birch

          ETA: I meant to say, “But by living amongst us (meaning if they are descended from neanderthals) they have the best of both worlds! They can keep their characteristics, yet go unnoticed. Neanderthalism didn’t work when a society was made up only of others like themselves, or when they looked differently from us… but now they’re hidden amongst us.

    6. Andrew

      And if they go back to the Neanderthal they’ve had a very long time between then and now to perfect being able to blend in so well. That ability is probably in their genes too.

      1. Adelyn Birch

        Yes! That may be how they evolved… they passed on their Neanderthal genes while at the same time they shed their physical differences, and so they were able to be accepted by us and benefit from our focus on the group, while still retaining their self-centered focus and aggression.

        I wonder how this relates to the widespread acceptance of the ridiculous concept of “rugged individualism” in the US?

    7. Andrew

      Well there may be a way to know. I’ve contacted an expert on the matter and will let you know if I hear back. And yes – thank God for the electronic age! Did you see my comments on your other post – the Missing Piece of the Puzzle?

      1. Adelyn Birch

        Yes, I have seen your comments on that page and replied to most of them. In fact, if this theory is right, it could answer the question I asked in that post.

    8. Andrew

      Yes – I’m thinking! Another thing – I read your post on the psychopath’s eyes. Neanderthal were very visually oriented. That’s why their eyes grew larger due to lower light at higher latitudes. They needed their strong vision for hunting. This all seems to add up – does it not? I didn’t get email notifications of your replies to my comments on the Missing Puzzle Piece post like I did for the other post. I’ll go have a look.

      1. Adelyn Birch

        Their eyes could be another sign of Neanderthalism…

    9. Andrew

      Oh yes – I did get those. I just went back and looked. My mistake.

      1. Adelyn Birch

        OK, good.

    10. Andrew

      Yes it could. I hope you will do some research into the Neanderthal brain, DNA, genetics, characteristics and write a blog. And let me know! And I’ll let you know if I hear back from the expert. (Don’t want to say the name until or unless I hear back.)

      1. Adelyn Birch

        I hope the expert will respond!

        Wow, that’s quite an assignment for me :-O

        Did you see this:

    11. Andrew

      Thanks! I’ll let you know. And from what I’ve read of you so far and your interactions with me – I have confidence that you are up to the challenge!

      1. Adelyn Birch

        Thanks. if you want to write a guest post… be my guest! I have confidence you are up to the challenge, too!

    12. Andrew

      Okay – I’ll see. Thank you! Maybe a collaborative effort. We can stay in touch and share info.

      1. Adelyn Birch

        Sounds good

    13. Andrew

      As you know, I was thinking about writing a piece on psychopathy possibly coming from the Neanderthal but in my reading have found that there have been anti-semetic articles written along these lines. Then I remembered how Blacks were once written about as a human sub-species. So, while the idea of psychopathy coming from the Neanderthal is an interesting thought to ponder, I don’t want to write anything that could possibly be construed as anti-semetic or racist.

      1. Adelyn Birch

        I found the same thing in my research, and dropped it for the same reason. Dehumanizing a group of people is never the answer. When a search for answers starts to veer in that direction, it’s time to change direction.

    14. Andrew

      Okay so we’re agreed then. I did find it interesting though that the Neanderthal are said to have been “apex predators,” killing and eating not only animals but each other. They’re said to have been a very violent lot. It looks like the Cro Magnon met up with them in the Middle East which is where they supposedly did the most interbreeding, and the Middle East, as we all know, has been a hot spot for violence for milenia. I read that there is actually more than the 1 to 4 percent Neanderthal DNA in some peoples – not just in the Middle East but in the Far East and in Native Americans as well which would make sense if the Cro Magnon pushed them around the globe. Maybe this is why the Far East has had a history of such strict social rules – kind of hard to act out there. I like to think of Native Americans as progressive as compared to the Europeans who took over their lands but then there were ones who scalped and the bloody Aztecs. I don’t mean to say that every violent thing comes from the Neanderthal but it does make one wonder. So that 1 to 4 percent is not really consistent across all people who are not indigenous sub-saharan Africans it seems after all. Some have more and some have less -which makes sense. Maybe some scientists are just saying it’s consistent for now to not start controversy. You were wondering how the Cro Magnon killed off the Neanderthal. (Well apparently they didn’t completely if we absorbed some of their DNA.) Another thing I read is that the opposable thumb was more evolved in the Cro Magnon allowing them to fashion more effective tools and weapons and is what is thought to have brought in the new stone age. Also early man buried their dead with flowers but when I looked into that – the flowers don’t appear until the Cro Magnon. The Neanderthal lived in small groups but were able to work together to hunt large game. I imagine them in their small groups stealing food and females from each other. Anyway, I agree about not posting anything that has the potential to put any specific group or groups down but I did want to share with you what I found. I’m glad you’re not posting all this and please remove anything already posted if you think it could possibly be offensive in any way. The expert I emailed was someone from National Geographic who studies early man and DNA. He never replied but as far as putting theories out there about this sort of thing – I’d rather leave it to the experts. It’s also interesting to read about the bonobo and common chimp. I read that we do not share the same DNA along these lines (what makes some people pychopathic and others not) although I did read that herpes has been passed down from them to us from back before early man branched off. The bonobo and common chimp are separated from one another by crocodile invested rivers and neither the bonobo nor common chimp swims. The common chimp shares their land with gorillas and it is thought that this is why they evolved into a more violent species than the bonobo. So in the Neanderthal – where they had less ability to make effective weapons and tools – the survival of the fittest was really in full swing. The bonobo have been observed admiring a sunset whereas the common chimp, competing with the gorillas, didn’t have the luxury for that. Their behavior has had to be geared more for survival, like the Neanderthal. Another interesting tid-bit – one theory for Autism is evolution of the brain. We’re all still evolving. One example of this is that some people are now born without wisdom teeth as the jaw becomes smaller. Evolution is amazing. Just look up the lantern fish for example. It’s all about helping species adapt to the environment. And the plasticity of the brain – same thing – this time helping the individual adapt. As we now know, the way a child is treated actually changes the wiring of the brain. We are all both anti-social and pro-social to a degree. A place where this is greatly evident is among the homeless – people who are really fighting for survival in their environment. They will help each other find resources and sometimes get together and share what they have but fake a limp or lie while panhandling. Anyway, this has gone on. I’ve basically written you an article after all. Feel free to use anything from it if you want to.

      1. Adelyn Birch

        1 to 4% seems to be average. At 5%, people are considered “outliers.” The thing is, no matter what our individual percentage is, we don’t all have the same Neanderthal DNA—we might have inherited different portions of the Neanderthal genome. Personally, I have only about 1.5% Neanderthal genes; I have 259 Neanderthal variants out of the 2,872 tested, but I don’t know what those variants are. I had my DNA tested for other reasons, but this was thrown in as part of the package. Being that I’m more like a bonobo than a gorilla, the psychopathic portions of their genome–if there are any–skipped me. I think we’re a mix of pro- and anti-social because without self-preservation, we can’t help preserve anyone else. Like those homeless people; if they didn’t fake a limp they’d starve, because apparently just being homeless isn’t enough to be able to get what they need from others. I’m not going to write the article because of the reasons we talked about, but thanks for your comment—it’s interesting stuff.

    15. Andrew

      A friend of mine had his DNA tested and he had 1% Neanderthal. I’m thinking that the Neanderthal genes can show up anywhere on the genome. If they show up in the brain, how could they activate a part of the brain that wasn’t there for the Neanderthal? That’s what I’m thinking. Yes, the example of the homeless people – they’re just doing what they need to do in order to survive. You asked me earlier if I had seen an article about the “dark side of the brain” and I didn’t answer that question but yes, I had read it. There’s an article online about Ozzy Osbourne having his genome tested and finding out that part of a chromosome showed possible Neanderthal heritage. If you look online, it will come up under Scientific American. All very interesting stuff indeed and we are learning more all the time.

      1. Adelyn Birch

        Well, if you think of our genes as the blueprint for how we’re constructed, Neanderthal genes would result in Neanderthal cells or influence the way cells act.
        We are learning more all the time, and it seems that at this point, the brain is as much a mystery as outer space is. There is so much more to discover! You’d mentioned brain plasticity, and that’s a recent discovery—and a big one. It opens up a whole world of possibility.

    16. Andrew

      I just want to add one more thing about the Neanderthal idea. As you’ve probably thought too – if Neanderthal DNA is only 1 to 2 % in most people and psychopathy is only 1 to 4% of the population, the percentage of the expression of psychopathy from the Neanderthal would have to be infinitesimally small since there are almost an infinite number of other places on the human genome for the Neanderthal DNA to fall than those parts of the brain that are affected by psychopathy. And even if it did fall there, it is doubtful that such small percentages of DNA could create such vast differences in the brain. Because of this, I now think it much more likely that psychopathic genes evolved through cultural violence in general than coming specifically from the Neanderthal.

      1. Adelyn Birch

        I agree; the Neanderthal-psychopath connection is all washed up! Back to the drawing board…

  2. aurora

    Hi there again

    another great post with some great links.

    I actually wrote down the quote ‘intra-species predator’ in the early days, just as a reminder of what I was dealing with if I was ever in any doubt and when I was still in crazy land trying to make sense of what had happened. Such a simple phrase but so powerful in reminding me that this person was not human.
    Having working in the helping profession for over 20 years and assessing, counselling and assisting many individuals, (many in prison populations), I was so ashamed to have been ‘duped’ by a psychopath.
    I have witnessed many people transform their lives and formed therapeutic relationships with many over the years to assist with helping them develop trust, address their offending, challenge faulty belief systems or self esteem,beliefs about women, cultural issues etc etc, or whatever the issue was that got them into trouble with the law.
    Having a strong belief in the capacity for humans to grow, evolve and change is what has helped me be effective in my work and personal life.
    Obviously work is a professional relationship dynamic and completely different to where there is romance and intimacy, but I really felt stupid for falling for it all in my personal life when I’d dealt with a lot of creeps in my time.
    Truly nothing prepares you for this until you’ve been through it- and I can see in retrospect what a great ‘catch’ I was for the predator – empathic, understanding, independent, open and caring – always wanting to ‘explain’ faulty behaviour as some sort of unresolved issue, always giving the benefit of the doubt, not judging. Fact of the matter is, my ex-reptile had no startle response, was glib and superficial, charming, a master mirror with only an automaton understanding of empathy and was a master at gaslighting.
    I too feel strongly that there needs to be more informed discussion and education around this subject. Its so crucial to helping those whose lives have been impacted.

    1. Admin

      Hi Aurora. I agree, the words ‘INTRA-SPECIES PREDATOR’ are powerful reminders of the truth of what a psychopath is and what his or her motivations really are. Dr. Hare coined that term. He also said “No one is immune.” He doesn’t even consider himself immune because they are so good at hiding their true nature, and then manipulating us once we start to figure out something is very seriously wrong. If we’re empathetic, we’re dupable. Hopefully now having been through it, we are less dupable, even though we’re still empathetic.

      It sounds as if you’re saying you were aware and wary of psychopaths when you worked in corrections (and it sounds like you did some tremendously valuable work!), but from what I understand many are not as aware. I came across two resources that might be helpful to those who work in corrections:

      “Guarding Against Manipulation by Criminal Offenders,”

      Games Criminals Play: How You Can Profit by Knowing Them, by Bud Allen (many reviewers swear anyone working in corrections should read it immediately, and then yearly)

      1. Andrew

        I read recently (which of course I can’t find now) that up to 50% of psychopaths in prison were psychopathic due to head injury – traumatic brain injury or TBI. Having frontal lobe damage (and why people should wear bike helmets that protect the forehead and which, for some unfathomable reason, seem hard or even impossible to find) is very much like being a psychopath according to articles out there on the subject. Look up – a psychopath lacks empathy just like those with frontal head injury. It will bring up other articles under that one too of course – one of which must contain that 50% in prison statement.

        1. Adelyn Birch

          This is fascinating. I haven’t yet found the statistic that you cite, but I had no idea that so many people in prison had a history of traumatic brain injury!

          “According to jail and prison studies,25-87% of inmates report having experienced a head injury or TBI as compared to 8.5% in a general population reporting a history of TBI.”

          TBI can produce effects similar to psychopathy. In other words, it can make non-psychopaths act just like psychopaths, which means that for all intents and purposes, they are psychopathic. It seems to me that head injury treatment needs to become a top priority! After what I’ve read, I don’t doubt that statistic at all. Thanks for making me aware of this.

  3. Denise Flores

    Ii was married to this type of individual and am still suffering the consequences of his actions in my life. I lost all and am sleeping on motel couch for year and half. I don’t deserve the hell I’ve gone thru. He 52 at his mommies on a bed fed and waited on. It’s sickening.

    1. Admin

      I’m sorry to hear you’re experiencing this, and that you have lost everything. No one deserves it. Sometimes, rock bottom becomes the solid foundation upon which to rebuild our lives. Best wishes to you.

  4. Anastasia

    I finally threw my husband out of my life 5 months ago. No Contact works the best. Reading about Psychopaths helped me to cope faster. Although the scars are still there I am limping back to normalcy. My love & prayers to anyone going through this type of experience. If I could manage so can the others. Tip – No Contact, No More Chances to these heartless wretches. P. S. I am from Goa, India.

    1. Admin

      Hi Anastasia from India. Glad to hear you’re sticking with no contact and that you’re getting back to normalcy! With time and space, we become able to see things for what they really were. Thank you for your support for others going through a similar experience. Warmest wishes to you.

  5. dav

    I have been reading everything I can about Sociopaths and dealing with the aftermath for the last four years. The Sociopath in my life left me with nothing, and I mean nothing. Their are days when I am ok and others when I am not. When I not, it is a long stretch. He intended to destroy my life to benefit himself. I still can’t believe what happened from the person who I trust most. Auroa said it well about Sociopath. It is still to shocking to believe.

    1. Admin

      That’s precisely what makes it so shocking, so hard to understand and to accept — we were betrayed by the person we least expected it from. I sincerely hope you will have more and more days where you are feeling OK. All the best to you, dav.

  6. connie

    I completely understand the nature of a psychopath.Buf I cannot fathom how they can be this way…how such cruelty exists.I read relentlessly…books..research etc. Yet no matter how much I read, the question of HOW, remains unanswered.I have dealt with mine for over 2 years and he never ceases to astound me.He has twice tried to remove the wi-fi capacity for 2 different co-tenants, using his computer skills due to revenge for some trivial matter. Banned me from talking to a co-tenant because he said, “My enemy is your enemy, if I catch you talking to him I won’t be responsible for my actions, I will abandon you and cull you from my life” Yet at other times I find myself ruminating about my sanity because he is so adept at portraying” normal”that I start to think it must be me.Thankfully he quickly does some other jaw-dropping act and bewilders me once more and I conscience, no remorse and nothing but the self, all in a sex and porn addicted, ruthless, risk taking machine, wrapped up and disguised in human skin.

    1. Admin

      “I cannot fathom how they can be this way…how such cruelty exists. I read relentlessly…books..research etc. Yet no matter how much I read, the question of HOW, remains unanswered.” I’m not sure it matters ‘how’ such cruelty can exist — we only need to accept that it DOES exist, for whatever reason. The next step is to protect ourselves from it. In your case, that would mean getting away from him ASAP. Hopefully, the co-tenants will do so as well. Best wishes.

      1. connie

        Thanks. That’s what I hope to achieve through therapy.

        1. Admin

          I’ll keep my fingers crossed. Please be safe.

  7. Anastasia

    Dear Connie, you sound unhappy & miserable in your primary relationship. This is a huge wake up call. Regarding your question of How can they be this way? The answer is to step back & l

    1. Anastasia

      Sorry Connie…. Step back & look in a detached way. Haven’t you read about evil deeds in the newspaper? The problem is you are refusing to accept you are living with Evil. Get out off the denial mode, throw him out of your life, stop feeling responsible for him. I wish you lots of courage. Shall keep you in my prayers.

  8. Anastasia

    There is a nice programme being aired on Zee Cafe every monday to friday & weekens also about Sociopaths/Psychopaths titled Twisted. It will help others to see things in a proper perspective.

  9. Kay Jay

    I was married to a man like this for 28 years. My first husband had left me for another woman after 7 years and 2 sons. I was hurting and didn’t realize how vulnerable I was to a rebound relationship. My second husband was everything to me…or so I thought. In the 28 years we were married…we had another son, and step-parent adoption, because my first husband dropped off the face of the earth for 7 years. When I started to see through the mask and get a look at the man behind the mask…I was so confused. I felt sorry for him…because I thought it was all a reaction to the pain he had suffered through the years…like he always said. It wasn’t until some scary things began to happen…and I finally started to learn a little about narcissistic abuse…that I began to realize this is what I was dealing with. I eventually left my marriage…but not before he did considerable more damage my self confidence. He also managed to convince my adult sons…that I am a crazy person…and all the problems stem from that fact. I’m not grieving the loss of relationship with him…because I finally understand that it was never real to start with. I was only in love with the mask…and never really know the man behind the mask, until the last few years. The loss of relationship with my adult sons…who believe I am crazy…is something I could have never anticipated…nor could I have ever prepared myself for. The pain of this loss…at times, feels completely unbearable…
    What do you do to move past this place…??? Where do you even start…???

    1. Admin

      Hi Kay. I’m very sorry to hear he alienated you from your sons. I’m sure it must be unbearable at times, as you said. I hope this will change in the future.

      You may want to take a look at this website: Mom’s Hearts Unsilenced: Parental Alienation You might find some support or comfort there. Warm wishes to you.

      1. Shari

        The parental alienation happened to me too. I’m so sad whenever I hear this happening to other people.

  10. Kat

    At the beginning I would like to say thank you to everybody who talk about this kind of problems in their life. I am in a place looking for information about psychopathy.
    Never expected to have something like that in my life, in short words: constant lies and a laugh, broken teeth with no help, threats about splitting with me, smashing me on the wall, breaking my parts of body, wishing me break down and a help in it, wishing me a car accident and dying in it, throwing a dinner knife and fork in a wall not far from me saying he has a good eye and if he wanted he could throw in me, making strange violence stories up, kicking me, hitting, spitting, changing words…hard to say all what it happened and in what situation it happened too.
    Outside a very nice man, always smiling, helping, sure of himself, nice voice- gentleman!
    At home MONSTER.
    There were women before me, don’t know how much he did hurt them, I know they left him.
    Very hard live.
    I have one question to all people:
    Thank you

    1. Admin

      Hi, Kat. I’m so sorry to hear what you endured. He is truly a monster. Physical abuse is a crime that can be punished, and I believe he should face the consequences, if at all possible. Did you ever report him? Has he ever been arrested? He is very dangerous, and you need some expert advice about what to do. In the sidebar, there’s a category titled, A LIST OF CRISIS HOTLINES and there are hotlines listed for the US and internationally. If I were you, I would call. I’m simply not qualified to give you advice about what to do and how to proceed carefully in this situation. I hope you are getting the support you need! My heart goes out to you. Much love and many hugs to you. Please let me know how you’re doing.

      1. Kat

        Hello Admin:), sorry you didn’t write your name here.

        First of all thank you very much for your respond and worm words. It is a pity that I cant see here more comments from people.

        You asked me how I am.
        Don’t know how to answer. I still in the same situation, didn’t do much about my life. Looks like staying with him just makes my situation worse and worse.
        There is a lot I would tell you but its obvious its impossible here.
        I have never have any contact with police in my life then calling for police wasn’t easy to me. The most important thing is that I have never wanted to make problems for him, I wanted just help him and I thought that I am so strong and enough clever to change him. Additionally, having feelings to him made me so soft towards him.
        My dentist reported him, I lied that I did myself accidentally.
        Later when something bad happened I never wanted to call for police. I knew that if I report him they will move me to shelter and I didn’t want to go there.
        Plus, like I said early I always was delaying leaving him feeling not ready to finish our relationship.
        I was in contact with a lawyer, with a doctor from Medical Centre, with people from Domestic Violence, with police later but I never decided to report him about everything what he did.
        I was scared that I would have to go to a court what made me very stressful, plus these ‘sick feelings’ to him, plus stresses about losing home, work and going back to my previous city with lots of bags, cupboards and living in a shared house in one room.
        I spent long time talking to him, to his family, to my friends and some of his friends and I see that nothing is getting better with him.
        I have some proofs but when I mention about police he is always laughing at me and asking me how I will prove it all.
        I am sorry that my writing is a bit chaotic but please believe me sometimes, like today after hearing bad words about myself and being kicked out from his flat again, is very hard to focus well on everything.
        I will give you some information about him: He is older man, black, after secondary school, works close to 20 years in the same company and like I said nice to people outside.
        Now me: I am younger than him, white, with 2 diplomas, I had some jobs but not working now. I always had problems how to go to work with red eyes, stressful.
        I wrote this about us just to show you how I must feel knowing that the person like he is could have manipulated me so easily….I don’t know even when and how it happened….
        Now I have so a big dilemma what to do…All people I spoke to about say: you have to do it. I know I should do it but it is no so easy because that to go to court I have to be strong, have support too.
        I am thinking now about going tomorrow and report everything, I have a hope that I will have enough strength to do this.
        This matter is so complicated and it is very difficult to talk about it, mainly because sick things with him are going for so long time….

        I wish you stayed in contact with me and told me how do you feel about all what I wrote here.

        All the best for you in your life.

        1. Admin

          Kat, he is a very sick and dangerous man and I fear he will seriously hurt you much worse than he already has. Before you report him, you need to leave his house and go to a location where he can’t find you. You can find out more here: Getting Ready to Leave

          You’ve tried everything, and you realize he is never going to change. The situation you’re in is horrifying, Kat, but there is a reason you stay: It is known as a Betrayal Bond or a Trauma Bond.

          Betrayal bonds are highly addictive attachments to those who have hurt you. Exploitative relationships often become betrayal bonds, and with them also comes deep shame. Someone in a betrayal bond is essentially addicted to the relationship with a person who is destructive and hurtful. Indications of a betrayal bond include the inability to detach and self-destructive denial. Learning theorists have found that a pattern of abuse and reward develops the strongest of emotional bonds.

          “Powerful emotional attachments develop from two specific features of abusive relationships: power imbalances and intermittent good-bad treatment.”
          (Dutton and Painter, 1981)

          Intermittent good-bad treatment triggers biological changes as well as emotional ones. Living without him may seem impossible. It is actually the same as an addiction to drugs, alcohol or gambling. This is why you can’t leave despite how bad things are.

          Don’t let this bond control you; don’t give up your life for it! You must make your safety the priority, and after you are out then you can deal with breaking the bond. It’s possible, and I have faith you will succeed. Best of luck to you, Kat. Please take good care of yourself.

        2. Shari

          I had a boyfriend who abused me and put me in the hospital. I pressed charges against him and the prosecuting attorney told me that other women had come to his office saying that he’d done similar things to them as well, but they were so afraid of him that they didn’t press charges. Since I was the first woman to press charges and take him to court, he got off with just a little slap on the wrist, and he moved to another state. But what he had done was on his record, and when he was violent to a woman in his new state he was arrested and he didn’t get off so easily that time. He had to go to prison. It’s always worth it to press charges because you are saving the next victim. When I grew up, I was taught that I’m accountable for others if I know that something bad could happen to them, and this gave me the courage to press charges on him. I wasn’t about to bury my head in the sand. I got my restraining order against him and fought him like the bully that he is.

          1. Adelyn Birch

            He beat you badly enough to put you in the hospital, but got off with a slap on the wrist?

  11. kate

    It Has happened…Now i dont have home,work,Money.Its late at night and all what i have is my sad life…Dont know How i wilk cope with all…

    1. Admin

      Kate, my heart goes out to you. I’m sorry this happened. I know you’re feeling devastated and overwhelmed right now. Hang on, with the faith that it will get better. You may not know how at this moment, but you will find the path as you go along. Many of us have been in a similar place, and we’ve survived. You are not alone.

      1. Kat

        Thank you so much, Ive got the email from you. Its Friday I should be happy cos weekend, but I don’t enjoy anything now. I am trying to be strong but its so hard. I am playing around that all is ok but I come back to my room and I am myself, feel so lonely.
        Lack of work and money.
        He is on a bail, doesn’t want to help me even I asked him for some money…
        Shame, I cant believe that my life looks like that. Its like a endless nightmare…
        Thanks for all your words, easy to say, hard to do.
        I made mistake leaving him in that time without work, home, enough savings…I wasn’t emotionally prepared too…God, where is my life and me like Ive been before, smiling with plans and happy???
        Cant go even to council to ask for a housing benefit cos the woman I am renting room from said she will not give me any paper to council. Don’t know if she does this legally or not.
        I borrowed some money, shame.
        Hope, soon this RUIN will end happily for me.
        Wish you lovely weekend.

        1. Admin

          Your life and you, happy and with plans, will return one day. If you felt you had to leave, it was the right time. Staying with them never does any good; it only creates more problems, in life and in the self. After the worst of it, many of us were surprised by positive gains that came about as we put effort into recovery. It takes a while, Kat, but it will happen. I recommend getting in touch with your local domestic violence organization. I’ve talked to others who found much support there, in the form of group therapy and individual counseling. Maybe they could also give you some assistance finding work or a place to stay. I’m sending a big hug to you.

          1. Shari

            The YMCA and Catholic Charities also help victims of domestic abuse. They will never allow you to go back into a violence situation, and you should never have to ask your abuser for money or ever be in contact with him again. You may be lonely, but like my beloved Grandma used to always say, “There are worse things than being alone.” Please get a counselor who will help you work through your domestic violence issues. If you are low income, go to your local social services offices and tell them that you are a victim of domestic violence. They will be a great resource for you in the way of housing, money, food stampss, medical, and they will get you into a program for counseling and they will find a way to pay for it so you won’t have to. You need to help yourself and realize that you’re worth it – despite all of the crap that he did to you! He’s the one who isn’t worth it, and you need to make a commitment to never have anything to do with him again. Resolve to only have the kindest people in your life from now on.

            1. Adelyn Birch

              That’s a good resolution, Shari.

Comments are closed.