Psychopaths put on quite a show
to gain our love and trust. They create a grand illusion, complete with arrow-slinging cupids and fireworks worthy of the Fourth of July. To be able to do that they have to pretend to be something they’re not, day after day. They know if we see what they really are, they won’t have a chance in hell with us. For a person who is no more than an emotionless, loveless and conscienceless predator, it must take an awful lot of effort to pull that off.
Don’t take my word for it. Here it is, straight from a psychopath:
“Wearing a mask 365 days a year is difficult. The masks a psychopath must wear are just as chafing as any real one. All masks are stifling, and it doesn’t take long to feel that itch that can encompass you like wildfire. Skin rubbing and scraping against this superficial identity. It’s no surprise the temptation to tear it off is powerful. The effort of sustaining a semblance of normalcy is beyond comprehension. I’m positive this build up of frustration, irritation, and ire is what lends us toward acting more sinisterly when backs are turned. Being ‘good’ is a pain in the ass.”
What is all that effort for? Why do they twist themselves into such maddening and painful contortions?
Simply put, they do it to get something we have that they don’t have. We have something they desperately need, something they can’t live without. But no matter how hard or how many times they try, they can never get it. That’s the sum total of their lives — trying to get something we have and they need, but can never obtain. We hold the Holy Grail of the Psychopath. And because of that, it was we who had the power all along. We just didn’t know it. Now we do, and we’ll never forget it.
This struck me like lightening when I read a recent comment by a reader named Nunc Coepi (which means ‘and now we begin’):
“I finally put down my Ace of Spades.
All his cards fell, and he ran away.”
We were the ones holding the Ace, the ones who really had the power and control all along. If only we had known! They did everything possible so we wouldn’t see that we held the winning hand the whole time. All they had was a marked deck that was more than a few cards short.
Supposedly, they feel utter contempt for us. In truth, it’s only a projection of the utter contempt they have for themselves. Their grandiosity is only an illusion, one that must be maintained at all costs to keep the truth at bay. What they really feel for us is envy, such instense envy that it is capable of annihilating them. In order to keep their delusions intact, they try to annihilate us instead. They can’t get what they really want, so they settle for the booby prize — the temporary fix of contemptuous delight they get from devaluing us. But it is not enough, not what they really want, so they immediately start their fruitless search again.
Psychopaths are envious of us and greedy for what we have. Their envy is hatred of the good object and their greed is the desire to have all the ‘contents’ of the good object, according to psychopathy expert Reid Meloy, PhD.
So what is it that they really want? What are these “contents of the good object” they need so badly? What are they trying to get when they capture us, put us into a stupor and then attempt to suck us dry, like ravenous, dessicated vampires?
The answer is contained in the following words, written by a psychopath:
“What is there to fear? Fear itself? Why? What is fear? Some people really fear death. Some people really fear not fearing death. That’s really the scariest thing, isn’t it? Because if you don’t fear death, what kind of shit life are you living?
Why am I writing this? What is my point? Maybe that’s my point, life is pointless, this is pointless. What do you have to do tomorrow? Think about it — errands to run, people to see, lies to tell, people to fuck over and placate and screw over and substantiate. Does it make you happy? Does it make you sad? Does it make you angry? If you can tell, if you could answer those questions, THAT is the difference between you and me…
I feel nothing.
When you sit a person down on your brand new comforter and put a gun to their head what do you expect to feel? When you watch a man holding his dying dog over a fucking gutter as the blood mingles with sweat and tears and it cascades to the earth like a morbid waterfall, what do you expect to feel? Anguish, incredulity, fucking outrage, disgust, fear, empathy? What?
Now tell me, how do you feel when none of those feelings happen? When nothing you see or do can start your heart? You’re dead. You’re a walking corpse.
Welcome to life after death.”
That is profound.
Life is what a psychopath really wants. They see that we have it, and they want to take it. Life is the Holy Grail of the Psychopath.
They want to be alive, to walk among the living. They want our life force; they want to fill themselves with it and feel it and live in full color, but instead they end up dragging us down into their black-and-white, two-dimensional world. They blame us for not getting what they wanted, and then devalue and abuse.
I hope that someday a cure will be found for this terrible disorder that destroys everyone it touches. Luckily, we have the capacity to heal and live fully again. Psychopaths are stuck in their empty void forever.
♥ You hold the grail. You had all the power all along.
*Quotes in this post are from ZKM of Sociopath Domain, “Life, Death and Suicide” (Warning: some readers may find the content and images disturbing)
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Thankyou Admin as always.
Incredibly insightful and empowering stuff.
Hi Aurora! Thank you, glad to hear it.
I totally disagree with this post.I never had any power over him or “it”.He had and still has all the power . I’ve lost everything He’s lost nothing.He wants to be just as he is.How can he envy what we have when he doesn’t even feel. Envy is an emotion.These blood thirsty “it’s” have no emotions They could care less what we feel.I lived with one for 23yrs and he still won’t leave my home. I fear for my life every single day.He doesn’t envy anything about me. He glorifies in my pain. Who would you rather be? Trust me he’s happy because to him he’s the most wonderful thing on this earth.We can’t make them pay but God Almighty can . I’d love to be standing at the Pearly Gates when mine gets there and see him lie his way out of that one..
I’m sorry to hear of the terrible situation you’re in. You fear for your life every day, and no one should live like that. Have you done everything possible, from a legal perspective, to get him out of your life and your house? If you haven’t already done so, please get in touch with a domestic violence program in your area, and of course do so safely, so he doesn’t find out. You should not have to live like this, Teresa.
One emotion psychopaths can feel is anger, and secondary emotions of anger include rage and envy. According to Dr. Reid Meloy, whom I quoted (the book I quoted from is considered the ‘bible’ of psychopathy experts), envy is most apparent in those who hate goodness itself. Psychopaths do not consciously feel envy, but it is the subconscious force that drives them. They hate goodness, and want to destroy it. You are goodness, and he is destroying you. The Psychopathic Mind See pages 103+
Surely there must be a way for you to escape this abusive situation! I hope there is and I hope you’ll find it soon. Best wishes to you.
Beautifully written. Thank you.
Thank you, Joe. This is one of those posts that seems to have written itself; I just got the idea and then typed as fast as I could.
That’s it Admin, ye have cracked it. This and your post on envy did it for me, it triggered a memory when we were in mediation, and I was after taking an early retirement package, it was a small pension, but who gets a pension so young :) he went on and on about the actuarial value, with the mediator saying it’s just a monthly income, I looked at him and it clicked and I said ‘your jealous of my paltry pension’ he went even redder. He also said to the mediator ‘ she gets everything she wants’
I didn’t cos he always ensured I didn’t and if and when I did the normal things in life, there was always consequences from him.
Before I knew exactly what he was, I use say he broke my heart and my head, and came very close to breaking my back, because he is heartless, brainless and spineless. That was near 3 years ago as I was starting my journey out of the darkness, how close to the truth was I.
As Stephen Hawkings has said violence and aggression will be the demise of humankind. And you Admin are doing your bit to counteract that with your powerful writings. Thank you xxx
Finally, I have cracked it! We’re just getting to the really good stuff now.
Nearlybel, never let me know where your ex lives because I fear I might fly over there and use my self-defense skills on him. All of them.
He ‘broke your heart and head’ — wow, that’s exactly what they do! Now you’re the one who has cracked it. That’s what makes it so different from a ‘relationship gone wrong.’
We were all always so close to the truth…it was only a thin veil of illusion that separated us from it. XXX
It’s like you know the psychos I’ve known, personally! It continually amazes me how accurately you capture their hateful nothingness.
Once you look into those cold, dead eyes, you aren’t the same. I’m trying to be who I was before, and it’s been seven years and I’m not there yet! And I get a LOT of emotional support, both from my humans and cats. It’s a daily battle to not let past scumbaggery bother me.
We will never be exactly who we were before. Some things have the power to change us, and this is one of them. But it’s not a bad thing at all, because the changes can be positive — we have the potential to become more confident and powerful, wiser, stronger, more comfortable in our own skin, and more apt to tell someone to f*ck off when needed ;-) For once we can trust ourselves and stop doubting ourselves. And we finally realize all that we really have to offer.
The scumbaggery already took enough from you, Summer. Don’t let them take any more. Listen to your cats — they know what’s important. XOXO
We won’t ever get back to where we were and that’s not what’s suppose to happen because our consciousness has forever changed. If I were to go back to that place I was before having met the psychopathic man, and believe me for a while that’s exactly what I so wanted to do, I would have learnt absolutely zero. Can’t look back, can’t go back only forward YEAH!
I spoke to the psychopathic man, last eve briefly, and
I felt something had shifted in my favour. I felt empowered, but then I was no longer under his ‘spell’.
He told me how much he loved me and I burst out laughing. I told him he ‘d never loved me nor liked me. He, of course, denied this and told me “Don’t make me angry.” Then he tried flattery on me and I told him don’t bother. He’s not changed one iota, but that’s ok because I have. How very sad for him that he remains the same, but I’ve been able to grow from this tragic experience.
I’m praying and working a great deal on forgiving. But with all that said and done he needs to be exposed for what he is.
He’s still singing the same old song, not a single lyric has changed which made me feel for him. I was devastated when I learnt what he is about. This was one man whom I felt that I had loved unconditionally and I fell for him hook, line and sinker.
The cognitive dissonance is getting better. His life has not improved one bit, but yet he doesn’t seem fazed by his predicament. Always claims to be broke, is like a nomad in no man’s land going here going there, but going absolutely nowhere.
Psychopaths put David Copperfield to shame. He can’t hold a candle to the psychopath when it comes to being the greatest illusionist.
“Psychopaths put David Copperfield to shame.” Now you have me imagining a psychopath putting on a magic show. When it came time to cut their lovely assistant in half, the crowd would run screaming in horror.
Glad you are moving forward and are pleased with the changes you’ve experienced. It is very empowering!
I was definitely the one drowning in the water with P looking down and mocking me while I wanted to die. P loved seeing me like that. I’m not like that anymore, but I’m forever changed, and armed with dozens of books to educate myself, and hopefully not be stupid enough to make the same mistake. Honestly, I hope P get’s a heArt and soul if there’s another incarnation for her. After all the heartache I would still want that for her. Even though she wanted me dead. And probably still does.
I’m with you, Summer. In fact, my wish is that every psychopath will wake up this morning with their very own heart and soul.
Hey Summer, scumbaggery, I love it, describes beautifully what they leave us with.
You will get there and as Admin says, a bigger, brighter, better you.
I came in contact with many women getting away from abusers, and noticed how different we all were, so different, one thing only brought us together, we were abused.
But
Anyone of their abusive partners could have switched places with each of us, the abusers were ALL the SAME and I thought he was a one off. It was as if they all attended the same charm school, their modus operandi were all the same, focusing on individual vulnerabilities and shared ones, they loved to reflect and persecute us with the social mores of society, women have not been held in high esteem in catholic Ireland and the guilt around sex and the perceived notion of a ‘perfect family’ were used against us, we didn’t even know what we were responsible for, but it was always our fault.
In the US think about what’s important in your society, I think there’s emphasis on money, success and competition, are these used against you?
We have to discover what made us attractive to psycho, we had something they coveted apart from our lives, our very being. I’m pretty sure at this stage Mine wanted a family, my friends wanted money. And how awful is that to admit, we give them all willingly because we trust and love them. But they only want to destroy, and so they do.
Scumbaggery, I’m cleaning out my closet :)
I have my dogs, cats, children and my life, that’s good enough right now, will deal with all accordingly. I hope you Summer and all the rest get to be in a good place soon, and shine that light.
It’s a Break through not a breakdown xxx
xxx
IT’S A BREAKTHROUGH, NOT A BREAKDOWN. Love that, Nearlybel. What begins as a breakdown changes into a breakthrough!
The US is not as you picture it. The things you mentioned are how men are valued and measured, but women are judged quite differently. Women who are competitive and focused on success and money are considered ‘selfish’ and are thought of as ‘bitches.’ Instead, they’ve got to ‘have it all,’ and do it all to perfection while behaving in an socially acceptable female manner (i.e. always put others first). Ideally a good career, and when they get home at the end of the day they will fall short if they don’t produce healthy, balanced meals and healthy, balanced kids who are on the honor roll and headed to a good college. And they must strive for a perfectly clean and organized home, and a satisfied husband. Of course it’s impossible to live up to that, so they always feel they’re falling short somewhere.
Thankyou for another brilliant post Admin
You’re welcome, and thank you for your kind words!
It is like you’ve gone inside the head of my abuser “P” and decoded his thoughts and issues. It’s the movie “Village of the Damned”, has anyone seen it? I go with him to a counselor this Saturday, this is the 2nd time. He doesn’t want to go, says he doesn’t know what I hope to get with it. The first time we went to a counselor he’d only go one time. The counselor said to him “what are you punishing her for?” Then he wouldn’t go back but the counselor found a colleague who took P in for counseling and they then shared info. Both counselors were male. P’s counselor told mine that P was a lovely fellow, no problem. That all the problems are with me. He told P to move on and find a better woman. Interestingly he did, undercover, repeatedly or the same one repeatedly, who knows. Now, off to another but female counselor. She has a good web site, she asked me what I wanted. I said resolution somehow, I think it’s over. She has a polygraph. I’m thinking he won’t allow her to use it regarding his latest problem. I dated him and left repeatedly, No Contact, for 10 plus years. I had a good paying job and was fairly good. I left after he’d put me in the hospital, chest pains, after him yelling at me that he didn’t do whatever he’d done. He never seemed sad that I’d been hospitalized, so much like your posting. Then, for five years, he was a saint, or at least it looked that way. I married him. I live on an Island that is sacred to me and here, knowing that I said the marriage wouldn’t survive an issue like we had in the past and that nothing, absolutely nothing, could ever happen on my Island refuge. Then he started in flirting, for months, with a grocery checker. He repeatedly told me that he needed to go to the grocery store, I protested that that should be “we”. He kept on, until someone told me, I suspected or I knew. How do I move forward, what do I do now? I’m a wreck. I’ve kept him off the Island for 30 days. I can’t have him back, he is destroying my health. He is destroying me. Help?
They are all so much alike it’s as if they were made in a factory, so if you know one well the others are very similar. Any differences are merely superficial.
Be careful with the polygraph — a psychopath can pass one easily since their autonomic nervous system doesn’t respond, and since there’s probably no emotion there to respond to in the first place. Psychopathic criminals can pass a polygraph because lying doesn’t faze them one bit.
From what you’ve said, Roxanne, the only answer is to end the relationship. If he’s a psychopath, counseling isn’t going to do any good. He’s destroying your mental and physical health. There’s no way to end it without going through the pain, unfortunately. Eventually, you will come out the other side and you’ll be glad you did it. Find a good counselor for yourself that has expertise in the psychological trauma you’re dealing with from an abusive relationship. A support group for abused women would be helpful as well. It’s a tough road, but it is one that will lead you out of this hell he’s dragged you into. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, and I wish you all the best. Please let me know how things go.
I’ve read “When Love is a Lie” and the author references websites where people support one another. Can you recommend one? Your points are well taken.
Be very cautious. I tried two when I was freshly traumatized, and I was re-victimized on both (psychopath free and lovefraud). Some people report the same thing, and others had very good experiences. I wrote a post that goes into more detail on this subject: https://psychopathsandlove.com/fox-in-the-henhouse-the-dangers-of-forums/
I’m not trying to discourage you from website forums, just urging you to please be careful.
Psychopath Free re- victimized me as well. I believe this site has the best information available!
Sorry to hear that, Dee. It’s the last thing any of us need when reaching out for support. I felt totally blindsided and stunned — after all, it was supposed to be a safe place (just like my ‘loving’ relationship with the psycho). I felt duped and betrayed all over again.
Thank you for your compliment about this site! I wish I could have a forum here, but it would require 24/7 scrutiny to keep it safe. Since that’s not possible, I’ve made a point of responding to each person who comments; I know even just doing that can help someone who’s traumatized and in need of some kindness and validation.
No contact and find a good counsellor who understands abuse and who you like. Websites are good for information but are not tailored to your situation. This one is the best that I have found. The first councillor I saw (while still in the relationship) was a male, and didn’t pick that I was with a psychopath. A good friend alerted me and helped me go no contact. I then rang around for a psychologist who specialises in abuse. She has been fantastic, knows about psychos and has given me so much support and information. She told me to look on the psycho as a “poisoned parrot”.
Keep safe and lean on your friends and family
Roxanne, I was hospitalised twice in 2014. In February for serious and multiple digestive related challenges caused by stress and constant emotional abuse. My business deteriorated faster than me, like a roller coaster
out of control.
I had to mould my personal healing patters and nutrition. I read every moment of free time. ad to my shock I finally made the discovery of the
In August for a shoulder operation, lacerating tendons torn because he pulled my arm backwards while standing behind me, without me knowing he mysteriously crawled up on me. He murmured and denied his role but payed every dime without hesitation. Notice at the abmbiguois roll play.
Victims suffer serious harm to all aspects of their health and lives. Shani (and everyone here) I hope you will be well again very soon xxx
Beautifully written Admin! So true and insightful. It is true that none of us will ever be the same, but do we want to go back to being the uninformed, gullible person willing to compromise everything for a scumbag? Not me. I have changed for the better, thanks to my friends, my estranged husband and you Admin. Not changing for the better is giving the psycho the power. He took away all my power in the relationship and no one is ever going to do that to me again ever.
No contact is so important IMO. I am going to keep it that way. When the intervention order expires and he tries to contact me, I will get another. And another and another. That will be my power over him, he will never get to speak with me again. Even if I tell him to F off! , he gets entertainment to relieve his boredom. He is everything that Admin has described in her posts, but he excels in charm- he has had 69 years of practice and can talk anyone into anything.
Keep those insightful posts going Admin. I look forward to your future ones
As they say, ‘Living well is the best revenge,’ so changing for the better is a great thing in more ways than one! I would never want to go back to the ‘old me.’ I’m wiser, more confident, more assertive, I have boundaries, and I’m happier. Sometimes, it takes something really bad to inspire changes that are really good. You have to go through hell first, but you may as well create something good from it. There is nothing to lose in doing so, and everything to gain.
I was surprised and very honored to see my name on the list of people who helped you :-)
They do get better at manipulation with age. My ex psycho was 65, and he too was a highly skilled charmer. Part of his charm was an ‘aura’ that seemed to emanate from him when he was being charming, some sort of warm light or energy that was highly appealing. I never believed in such things, but it was there. I read Dr. Hare say that some psychopaths give off what seems like an electrical charge, or something similar to that — I can’t recall his exact words (I think it was in Without Conscience). Did you experience this with yours, empath? After it was over I thought of him as Lucifer, which means ‘the bringer of light.’ Now I just think of him as a skillfully manipulative creep.
What was your age difference? Mine was close to 20 years. I never considered men in that age group as potential romantic interests; I just sort of subconsciously excluded them as being too old for me. The next woman he seduced was 10 years younger than I was. This wrinkled, gray and balding little man could probably seduce the pants off of anyone.
Oh Admin, our psychos could be the same man! The age difference was 13 years. Every woman he married(there were many more!) was progressively younger. He was charismatic, extremely sexy, but as you say grey haired and unattractive. But when he spoke and smiled (looking back, a wry, curious smile), I melted. When we were apart, thinking of him sent shivers down my spine. I thought that was true love, now I think ewwww! He definitely had some sort of electrical, chemical interaction with me. And I agree that they must get better at seduction with age. He had me convinced that he was the best I would ever find in bed! that took me some time to get over,but I now find that too was an illusion, there is better. He even controlled me there, not wanting to cuddle and hated stroking with a vengeance. But he has unwittingly unlocked my sensuality and my inhibitions, so I am a different person in that area. I have taken away the good and left behind the bad.
They do sound so similar! Except mine was also a pro cuddler who was fond of saying we fit together like a puzzle. When all was said and done, the one thing I was still hung up on was the sex.
Mine also had the smile thing going on. But every once in a while, it was wayyyy over the top — not quite ‘maniacal’ but close. If he were hooked up to the grid, every transformer in the city would have exploded.
They really are tailor made for each and everyone of us. Reflecting and mirroring us, and so fascinating us,
The games they play.
With our lives, with our hearts and minds.
Consuming us, until we can’t even recognise us,
We become an extension of them, a malignant us, dark and grey, dreams and plans crushed,
Fears and nightmares reality.
But once we know, then everything opens up, when the truth is spoken, it shines a light on them, and how they hate that.
And we get the dancing shoes on and fake it til we feel it!
We will chose to continue,
to live and love, how we wish,
exactly how it was meant to be xxx
They are tailor-made…mine was perrrfect for me. Next time I meet someone so fascinating and so perfect for me, I will keep one jaundiced eye on him at all times, 24/7/365. I’ll prop it open with a toothpick, if need be ;-)
I had a dream/nightmare about my ex-P a few nights ago. They are quite rare now:
I was out on the second-story veranda of a white plantation-style house, sweeping the debris left by the ramshackle tropical landscaping that surrounded it. I did not know whose house it was or where I was. A warm, humid breeze kept bringing down more leaves as I swept. I realized it was 11 AM and I was still in my pajamas, which were made of flowing striped cotton in pinks and blues, and I hoped no one would come by. At that moment, the psycho came bounding up the stairs. He smiled a huge smile and greeted me, and I said something like ‘you can’t be here; I’m not even dressed.’ I noticed he had hair, but it looked like gray molded plastic and was obviously fake. He was walking toward me to hug me and I was walking backward away from him, clutching my broom, when my alarm went off (my actual alarm here in the real world). “My alarm is going off,” I told him. “I have to go now.”
“So what,” he said, “just ignore it. Just turn it off.”
I said I didn’t want to, that I had somewhere I had to be. His eyes looked sad but he was still smiling, and he asked me how I could leave after he had taken the time to travel such a distance just to spend time with me. I told him again my alarm was ringing and I had to go. Just as he put his arms around me, I woke up completely and turned off the alarm.
Is anyone is good at dream analysis?
xoxo
How spooky is that?
My take on your dream, and I’m no dream expert, but know dreaming is very important for us to help us make sense of our lives.
We can chose to live in reality, or
Their world, which is,
The Underworld,
Hindu Patala,
Dantes inferno,
Haitis voodoo zombie culture,
Christian churches hell.
And all the other dark places acknowledged in past and present societies and cultures.
These psychopaths are born from us, but they are so far removed from us.
In our image only, to feed from our very humanity.
So dangerous to and for humanity.
I’m after scaring myself with your dream Admin,
We each and everyone of us, must shine the light on them, wherever whatever however whichever way we can.
You are leading the charge on that one Admin, with ur massive writings. xxx
Nearlybel, I think you found your new calling — expert Dream Analyzer.
I chose reality, yeah for me. There were some important clues in the dream — everything had a run-down, unkempt feel; more and more dead leaves kept coming down, which is not usual in a tropical place; my striped pajamas were evocative of striped prison garb; and the psycho’s hair, LOL, was so obviously fake…a big clue that HE was fake! All was NOT well in paradise, because it wasn’t paradise at all. *chills*
Incredible article! Absolutely brilliant and so very insightful! I am passing it on to my friends. The way a psychopath speaks is chilling and explains a lot. Thank you!
The psychopath’s words are chilling, I agree.
So glad you liked the article! Thank you.
Brilliant!
Here’s some quotes from M. Scott Peck. The last line says it all:
‘Evil people hate the light because it reveals themselves to themselves. They hate goodness because it reveals their badness; they hate love because it reveals their laziness. They will destroy the light, the goodness, the love in order to avoid the pain of such self-awareness. My second conclusion, then, is that evil is laziness carried to its ultimate, extraordinary extreme.
As the integrity of their sick self is threatened by the spiritual health of those around them, they will seek by all manner of means to crush and demolish the spiritual health that may exist near them.
Evil is that force, residing inside or outside of human beings, that seeks to kill life or liveliness.’
Thanks!
Great quotes. We need to protect ourselves.