The Nemesis of the Psychopath: BOREDOM


“Damned if you do, bored if you don’t.”

The thought of a bored psychopath is kind of scary. And yet the thought of a psychopath who isn’t bored is kind of scary, too. Seriously, though, psychopaths have a real problem with boredom. They become bored very easily, and they can’t tolerate it.

Boredom is an ongoing ‘mood’ in a psychopath’s life, one they are constantly trying to relieve. And relieve it they will, in one way or another.

Why do psychopaths become bored so easily?

They require intense stimulation in order to feel anything, to become excited, or to have fun. Because of this, nothing is really satisfying and nothing can keep their interest for very long. Their restless, relentless search for the stimulation they need is an ongoing pursuit. It hounds them continually, like the meaningless and destructive drive of an addiction.

For us, boredom is usually experienced as a passing mood of impatience and dissatisfaction, along with a vague want of something unknown. We find thoughts or activities that fill the moment.

In contrast, the conscious experience of boredom in the psychopath is a complex emotional state, one of the few they can feel. It is both chronic and acute. Psychopathic boredom is described as a continual restless and dysphoric feeling, acted out through aggressive and hypomanic activity. They experience boredom as a sense of restlessness and emptiness that is ever-present.

Boredom is felt intensely during idle moments when psychopaths have exhausted their ‘supply’ and are left by themselves after their existing sources (victims) have been devalued. During these times, the psychopath goes on an aggressive pursuit for more. Since they have no conscience, they are uninhibited in their search for relief.

When a psychopath is bored, he may recognize that his grandiosity is only an illusion. This recognition is unbearable, according to Reid Meloy, PhD., and he experiences a need for immediate and aggressive gratification to restore his grandiosity.

Psychopaths experience chronic boredom because they empty the world of meaningful relationships through devaluation.

‘Need for Stimulation/Proneness to Boredom’ is an item on the Psychopathy Checklist, a diagnostic scale that measures the presence and severity of psychopathy.

How do psychopaths themselves describe their experience of boredom?

Here is one psychopath’s description:

So what’s my problem? As I fiddle with the Sharpie in my mouth, twisting and scraping it against my canines, I ponder my own question. What is my problem? I can’t imagine what could be bothering me. Maybe it’s just the weather. Some people sob at the softest mention of cancer within. All I can say is there is a much more sinister disease burbling in this demonic blood of mine: Boredom. And it afflicts me. Rotting my eyeballs inside, then out. Setting my skin on fire and then dousing it with ice… Boredom is the Devil and I am fucking possessed.”

Quote from Sociopath’s Domain (Warning: Readers may find this material disturbing)

And another:

“The words ‘uninspired’ and ‘restless’ describe very well what I call boredom. To them it looks like I am easily bored, but to me it looks very different. They think I get bored because I have a shallow emotional life and need stronger impact from sensations because of this. But what they call ‘bored,’ I call a greater need for inspiration.”

Quote from Psychopathic Writings (Warning: Readers may find this material disturbing)

As victims, we were just temporary relief from the psychopath’s crushing boredom. We provided a bit of the ‘inspiration’ needed to relieve their endless ennui, and we restored their sense of grandiosity. Nothing more than that.

♥ Thank you for reading.


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51 thoughts on “The Nemesis of the Psychopath: BOREDOM”

  1. They can’t stand boredom yet they are boring. In the relationshit I had it was always the same, no excitement, nothing! Even the sex was like Groundhog Day

    1. Admin

      Yikes! I guess you just never know…..

  2. Reality

    hi Admin.

    i believe that the boredom that psycopats feel is the result of their inability to be able to really connect with other individuals in a deeper level. If we take out deep feelings of love , compassion, connectedness, purpose, and even occasionally hatred , then what is left? an empty space that it has to be filled only with the rush that power and control over other people or situations can give to someone. But being a psycopath you cannot control and dominate everyone and everything all the time becouse sooner or later you get caught, so in the inbetween time of idealize- devalue-discard phases , you feel totally empty ,so in a sense, bored, The state of ennui that so mush all the psycopathsa despise and want to avoid. You start then the next destructive cycle as soon as possible , becouse if you dont you cannot survive even in a psysical level. This is the way that i can understand and i can connect between them the reason why the psycopaths perpetuate eternally the idealize- devalue – discard cycles (that you wrote about in your previous post) with the boredom that you speak about in this post. And in my understanding the more up in the scale of PCL-R a psycopath is, the less he can feel the boredom becouse he never stops perpetuating this i-d-d cycle as they can even become serial kllers without the slightest hesitation in order to lessen their ennui.
    In my case the psycopath was complaining that he got bored very easily with people , situations and his job. In a manner he was changing the main topic of his job every 4-5 years. I see now the reason. It is becouse he could not connect deeply with his scientific job, he could not derive pleasure of becoming an expert in a certain domain and doing so being useseful to humanity(as i feel it for example). He faced his scientific job and everything else as a means to en end, just to stimulate him , as a challenge to alleviate his beredom. Also about women he was telling me that he got bored in some weeks or some months becouse they could not stimulate him for longer. Of course ,this desn’t mean anything about the women, it just speaks volumes about him and his inability to meaningly connect with another human.
    When , after dumbing him , i asked why he did not discasrd me first he told me ” becouse your intellect is something that it was extraordinary, and combined with your independant personality it felt to me very challenging and stimulating”. I cannot describe you dear Admin how much this cut me like a knife. I instantly realised that never he connected with me in a human level , in a soul level, i felt so used and so terribly exploited. I was just an amusing toy that could keep him far from boredom more . It was very hard to internilize and accept this, really hard, but once i did , i freed myself. And later i realised that probably being me that i left him, apart from inflicting a serious harm in his grandiose rediculous pseudoself, probably i have kicked him in a more deeper level , his boredom-ennui. I pushed him to start searching again eternally for equally eficacious ways to alleviate his ennui. If i cared i could see it like a form of revenge, but really i don’t care. What i seek in my ralationships is not to control or dominate someone but to really connect with. In this , he failed , tragically, so good buy loser. I actually told him just some days before i left him ‘you can turn the world around 10 times ( he is a compulsive traveller , the boredom issue again, you see) but you will never be able to fill the emptiness inside you. Never. I know it and you know it”. He never replied. nothing.

    lots of love to you

    1. Admin

      I love the way you have so thoughtfully applied all of this to your relationship. Thank you for sharing this.

      “…probably i have kicked him in a more deeper level…” I won’t tell you what “deeper level” sprang to my mind immediately after reading those words, but yes, you said it so well– it seems you kicked him where it counts — in his boredom-ennui.

      When we think we connected with someone on a soul level and find out that wasn’t the case at all, it is devastating. Some of us may not have heard it said so clearly, but the truth comes out at some point and it is an awful realization, no matter how it happens. Nothing is more than superficial for them, and our disappointment is very deep.

      Lots of love to you, too.

      1. Reality

        yes admin, it was devastating , absolutely, but later after a lot of research came to me the internalization of the knowledge that this person is unable to connect in a soul level simply becouse he lacks a soul to begin with, he lacks an identity, a true self. He is just a mirage existing only in a superficial physical level, something like an amoebade ( the protozon) added with a brain able only for the intellectual tasks and lacking any other aspect which render someone a humane. So , this realisation comforted me. Ataining the knowledge of the literally pathetic existense he trully represents led me to conclude that whatever this person said or done, says or does is totally insignificant.

        1. Admin

          But it all seemed so ‘significant’ at the time…so realizing it was really insignificant, even though it is the truth, takes a while to accept. When we finally do accept it, it resolves a lot of dissonance and it closes the door tightly, so they can never come back through it.

          1. Reality

            i absolutely agree dear admin. I suppose you can understand how rediculous this person looks to me nowdays as he continues to pursue some pathetic and foolish attempts to slightly open the door again. The good thing is that his attempts lessen with time. Maybe he starts to realize that he is out of my life for good and as much as i feel bad for every unsuspecting new woman that he victimises , i cannot stop feeling very good that it is not me anymore.

            have a nice rest of Weekend

            1. Admin

              Sad but true, most of us can’t do anything to help future victims.

              You have a good weekend, to :-)

    2. Irene

      You express this situation so well. I allowed myself to be with sociopath for a year and two months, before I decided to say enough is enough. He gave me signs throughout the whole relationship that all he wanted was money and sex, being that he was on disability I was his meal ticket for sure. All this came from me feeling sorry for him and reminiscing from when I use to date him long time ago. I should have left the scumbag in the trash, after even knowing he was addicted to alcohol, Crack cocaine, and other substance abuse drugs. Also a history of selling drugs and prescription drugs. His life always sucked and still does at 48 years old, I call it him a old pimp that will never amount to nothing and he’ll awaits!:( the word boredom came up in this article which is very interesting because I knew he was bored and sounds like I was to. To get in a relationship with someone like him. Well, I learned to find something positive to do and only associate myself with positive people. I feel good about putting the restraining order on him for harassing me, threatening my life, and stalking me. I just need some advice to get over anxieties, guilt, and regret to ever letting this monster back into my life.

      1. Admin

        I’m so glad to hear you’re doing positive things with positive people now! Anxieties, guilt and regret are inevitable, but they aren’t doing you any good. What would be better is to work on developing good, strong boundaries and tackling the self-blame.

        This is the little book I wrote on boundaries. It’s gotten excellent reviews, and it’ll guide you through the process. Boundaries: Loving Again After a Pathological

        These posts are about self-blame:

        At the Intersection of Truth and Lies: Self-Blame

        Emergency: Self-Blame

        I hope these will help, Irene. Regret is pointless; it’s better to take action, which you’re already doing. Keep going with that. I wish you all the best!

  3. Empath

    Hahaha! Well written as always. I just love this site, my ex psychopath would becomes destructive while bored, he woukd literally break objects just to say he wanted to put them back together, by the way..that included me!

    1. Admin

      Thanks, glad you liked it and that it brought a smile! I imagine your cupboards filled with broken dishes that weren’t glued together quite right ;-)

      They do love to break things…although they usually don’t like to put certain ‘things’ back together.

  4. efemeris

    copy and post from word doc into comment filed doesn’t work either :(

    1. Admin

      Sorry. Try it now, it should work!

  5. efemeris

    „boredom is like an itch that needs to be scratched, but doesn’t go away“ giggle

    interesting that i was thinking yesterday about psychopaths and their boredom and i was trying to find an explanation for it. I don’t think that they are wrong when they say that they would not call it boredom. It is not the same boredom we have and it is not of the same cause. I think that psychopats realize that too. For me the term boredom in this case is like a homonym for two different states that might seam to be similar but they arent. I will call it „psychopathic boredom“ untill we find more suitable term for it.

    For now we might have at least one reason WHY they do what they do. Alone from these two statements from psychopaths you can see that it really bothers them and that they want to be released. This boredom can also, or perhaps, explain their rage and mass destruction they do if they can’t be released from that „itch“ they have. But are they going to be grateful for that? Are they going to change to better? I don’t know. It is a nice thought. Some lions or tigers can turn into real pussycats when we free them from a thorn in their paw. Some of them have recognized their rescuers even after long time of being separated and would jump into their arms and smootch. But they still remain lions or tigers.

    An expamle from the movie “We need to talk about Kevin”. Kevin changed his behaviour and his relationship to his mom when he got ill. He was the boy every mom wishes to have. But what did he do when he cured?

    In some cases with nonpsychopathic people I had noticed that they consciously or unconsciously want to get rid of their disorder (or whatever might plague them). They know that something is bothering them but they can’t say what it is. When I see what it is and decide to help them or to show them the way they can do it themselves, they’d rather spit on me instead to be happy that they are released from their plague.

    I think that psychopats really want to be released from their boredom only because they want to get rid of it, not in order to change themselves and became better, but to continue to walk their way without a brake. They want to shrug it off as we would want to shrug off a mad dog who snapped our trousers and won’t let go.

    1. Admin

      “boredom is like an itch that needs to be scratched, but doesn’t go away“ giggle It seems this post has made a few people giggle.

      Yes, our ‘boredom’ and a psychopath’s ‘Boredom’ are two entirely different things. I got that in full color from that first description I posted, where the psychopath said boredom was the devil and she was possessed. That REALLY makes it clear. I think you’re right, ‘psychopathic boredom’ does need it’s own term, because ‘boredom’ just doesn’t do it justice.

      “…they’d rather spit on me instead to be happy that they are released from their plague.” I think people get used to whatever their plague is. It becomes part of who they are and shapes how they see the world. To let go of that would leave them in a very uncertain place about themselves and life in general. One thing we really don’t like is uncertainty, although we’re surrounded by it all the time. We believe we have more control than we actually do, and that helps us get through the day without freaking out. I think that’s a reason many of us held on to our relationship with a psychopath for way too long — on some level we knew that when we let go, so much of what we thought was real and certain would crumble beneath us, and then we would have a LOT of rebuilding to do. It’s that ‘liminal space’ I wrote about not too long ago — that place of in between that is so scary and unfamiliar.

      Psychopaths know they’re bored, but they don’t realize why. The guy who wrote the second quote found his own explanation for it — he turned it around and re-framed it in a way that made him feel good about it. But then again, many of us are unaware of our true motivations. It’s sometimes startling to find out what those are, when and if that happens.

      It would definitely be hard to do our thing with a mad dog attached to our trousers, LOL.

  6. janes

    this site is so addictive because it translates behaviors , M.O, nature ,thinking of Ps in an unbiased, unemotional, simple, direct way so can see what is going on around us early on next time. yes there are a lot of emotional comments about them, rightfully so!, including myself, since one way or another we were destroyed by Ps & maybe more that once for some of us.
    what has happened has happened. by thoroughly, unbiasedly, unemotionaly, understanding them we will avoid getting close to Ps in any shape or form in the future.
    we all are slave to our genetics & brain chemistry so does the Ps.
    Thanks Admin for continuously putting a light on the facts!

    1. Admin

      Thank you, janes, for your kind words. It’s my hope that the info on this site will help all of us avoid Ps in the future, as well as help us understand what happened in the past. Yep.

      1. janes

        you minded me these quotes

        by George Santayana

        “Know [the] other, know [the] self, hundred battles without danger; not knowing [the] other but know [the] self, one win one loss; not knowing [the] other, not knowing [the] self, every battle must [be] lost.”
        by Sun Tzu


        Enjoy Your Weekend.

        1. Admin

          I love that quote by Sun Tzu.

          Such big subjects to master — them, and ourselves. It’s an ongoing project.

          You have a good weekend, too.

          1. janes

            i have been studying myself for about 10 years/ 5 years & counting of Ps.
            thanks again for the Garlic make me LOL everytime :)

            1. Admin

              I think of you every time I see that garlic! LOL

  7. Nearlybel

    I was just perfect for him to stop his boredom with my active life. Work, children, play, but all the time prioritising him, for fear of the consequences. All 8 of us, playthings for him to fulfil his needs. To recognise and reward or ignore and isolate. I’d pay his bills, collect his debts, cook, shop, do whatever was required to keep him ‘happy’, to get through a day without the hurt and humiliation he perpetrated, all to relieve his boredom with his life, the perversion of him. Yuk. I was contaminated by him and we all suffered. He was just SO boring when he was acting ‘normally’.
    And when I realised and slowly and gradually began to withdraw from him, the fury unleashed. Towards the end he cared not who was there, he would say and do things to visitors as well. All in the environs of the family home his mask was off for any unlucky enough to be there.
    I am sure he put it back on at work and with his family. But I care not now, we are physically away from him over a year, just wonderful :) We are all adjusting, we have our normal ups and downs but we are safe and are free to be ourselves, be it good, bad, ugly or beautiful, we can choose. And he can go back under the rock he came from!!
    Can one die of boredom? Hmmmm :)

    1. Admin

      It is terrible to go through the day motivated by avoidance of hurt and humiliation. It’s like living in a pressure-cooker.

      Now you are safe and free to be yourselves — how wonderful that is! We forget that freedom is our natural state, but as soon as we get it back, we remember.

      I recall that the very FIRST thing I felt after the psychopath discarded me was absolute and utter RELIEF. It was quickly overpowered by other emotions, but I will never forget that moment. I was free again.

      Perhaps THAT is the biggest sign that you’re with a psychopath — you don’t feel free anymore. We should all keep that thought in our minds somewhere.

      “Can one die of boredom?” I don’t know, but I’ll bet you anything it was a psychopath that made up that saying.

    2. Empath

      @Nearlybel My heart goes out to you and yours and ALL of us! Can they die or boredom? Hahaha! I wish. Wish.wish! But mine has his new pet already. And I love the analogy of life with a Psychopath as living in a pressure cooking. Ain’t that the truth!!
      I wish Mr. Nobody a life of boredom!

      1. Admin

        Your wish is granted, since that is their natural state of being.

        1. Empath

          @Admin Lol! Thank you! Some bamboo shoots up the nails can add a special touch. Ok ok, I need to stop. I am just so fed up. I am tired of innocent ones being used as cheap entertainment. Mr Nobody actually replaced me with a girl that looks like me. And they go to all the places we used to. And do the very same things.
          Gessh, I would think he would want something different with his boredom.

          1. Admin

            Bamboo shoots! Experts say revenge fantasies are actually healthy, if they don’t become obsessive and you don’t actually carry them out. My revenge fantasies involved a pair of steel-toed boots, LOL.

            1. Empath

              Steel toed boots!? Awesome!! Can I watch? ;)

              I try really hard not to be mean in my thoughts but their ugliness permenates everything. With Mr. Nobody his very aura permenated the room like a black ink of poison.

              1. Admin

                The mean thoughts will lessen in time (although you might choose to mull one over again, strictly for entertainment purposes).

                In the article, I said normal people fill a moment of boredom with thoughts or activities…but I didn’t elaborate on what those thoughts might be… ;-)

              2. Empath

                Oh my I am laughing so hard! Thank you Admin! Just what I needed today. After an evening of being triangulated with my newly ex male friend (possible another Psychopath?) and then another male friend (lightly dating) saying my 20 year old daughter is “hot” after he said I was? Yes ge actually said this to me. My sh#t list is getting very long! Is it possible that decent men is a thing of the past?
                And I think a fantasy with some boxing would be phenomenal!

              3. Admin

                Boxing…yes…I’ve had that one, too. In mine, the referee never rings the bell.

                Sounds like we could share some great post-psychopath dating tales. It’s like a whole different world.

              4. Empath

                Oh I meant going boxing in real life! ;)
                This dating stuff post psychopath is like another planet. I feel paranoid,crazy and seem like a bitter old lady! But, seriously I see TOO much now, it is like eyes wide open. And the view is scary!
                Would love to hear some stories. Or maybe you could post about this topic. Sh#t got very real after this nightmare of ten years.

              5. Admin

                I see too much now, too. But maybe it’s not too much. I’m not sure if anyone I’ve met so far was psychopathic, because I haven’t stuck around long enough to find out. But I believe I avoided what might have been some bad relationships that I would have unknowingly gotten involved in in the past.

                After a few dates with one guy (who I was actually very attracted to), I clearly noticed that he couldn’t see any further than his own forehead. I know we all see the world from our own point of view to some extent, but he was so lost in his own head that he couldn’t see me at all. And yet he thought he knew me better than I knew myself. He would say something like, “well, you did that because you feel……(whatever, fill in the blank)” and I’d say “No, that’s not correct. THIS is why….” and he would say “no, it’s not.” THAT is a big red flag of someone who doesn’t have boundaries. He was assigning his own motives to me, and didn’t even see it. I noticed that, and I noticed my feelings of defensiveness, and I noticed how truly controlling his behavior was. He was completely neurotic — it was not purposeful manipulation. NEXT!

                I went on a few dates with another guy, and I thought we were getting along really well and having fun. On the fourth date, he told me he was losing interest in me because he didn’t feel I was interested in him. I asked him why he felt that way, and he said because I hadn’t had sex with him yet. I asked him if that was the only way he could know someone was interested in him (while thinking to myself, all he’s after is sex). He said he was used to having sex with someone right away, and this just wasn’t gonna work for him. I said “OK, well it was good meeting you, good luck.” He was shocked! He said, “Isn’t what someone else needs important to you?” and I said “Sure it is, but it’s never more important than what I need, especially when I barely know someone.” Well, that was that. GOODbye.

                I’ve found that not being ‘desperate’ for a relationship makes a huge difference, as does asking myself “what do I think of this person?” instead of worrying about what they think of me. I’m not nervous on dates anymore — I just sit back, and wait for the show to begin.

  8. Kiril

    yes the article sis very good ..psychopaths do get bored pretty easily that’s why they always seek enterttaiment and always seem to be on the move.. that is crystal clear …

    1. Admin

      The one I knew had to fuel himself with huge amounts of black coffee and Viagra just to keep up with his need for constant excitement. He only slept a full night on Tuesdays, and he really resented having to do that. Who knows, maybe his dreams were boring?

      1. Empath

        Dear Admin,

        Ouch. Ouch. Ouch! I am sorry for the idiots you encountered but also I am so impressed by the way you handled yourself. I am taking notes! I spent 1.5 years not even looking at a man (post Psychopath) , and the only one guy I met did this? I hate how I attract the worst of the worst!
        This last one was doing what your neurotic was doing, he was projecting all his crap, and giving unsolicited advice. Like I need to do this, or I should do that. WELL WHO ASKED YOU BUDDY! HA!

        Being single in my 40’s, with lots of coward hipster baby boys, sex crazed narcissists, emotionally unstable men that had no daddies, men who use woman as walking uterus’s, men that want to be your daddy, men that will not look at you or talk to you if you are not naive and under 20. I am losing faith!
        ( This applies to women as well, not trying to just pick on men here)

        A pet dog is sounding more and more appealing!!

        P.S. I COMPLETELY agree with you, when you said that NOT being desperate for a relationship is saving. I think it has saved me from more harm. And without you and your website, my knowledge would be so limited. I would probably stayed with a very disordered person, and be dead.
        You literally saved my life on so many occasions.
        Thank you does no justice.

        1. Admin

          Thank you so very much, Empath. A comment like yours leaves me at a loss for the right words, so instead I give you a huge HUG right back.

          I highly recommend a pet dog. They do require a LOT of attention and will tie you down to some extent, but to me they are so worth it. They’re great for safety, too. Even a small dog can be a great watchdog. They can’t inflict damage, but they can alert you to the time you may need to do it. ALWAYS PREPARED, that’s every girl scout’s motto.

          I didn’t date for about 1.5 years, either. It will be two years end of November. I haven’t lost faith, and neither should you. There are plenty of women our age who meet decent men. Just keep trying. Now that we have our BatGirl glasses on, our chances of weeding out serious neurotics and narcissistic creeps have gone way up. Being armed with BOUNDARIES is also very important.

          BatGirl Glasses (also available in BatGuy model)

          “If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.”

          ― Sun Tzu, The Art of War

          1. Empath

            Thank you, thank you! I do hope my faith is restored and not after too long, it is just not fair how they slither away, no pain, no cares and can just rebuild and destroy with another. And we lose SO much. Our trust is just shattered. I love those batgirl glasses, I want a pair to wear everyday, haha!
            I have not perfected my discernment of these creatures, but I am being way more cautious. Admin, I love all your writings, and that quote by Sun Tzu. I mean WOW! EXCELLENT. And what a freak comment from your psychopath. Daddy? REALLY? PUKE!!!

            1. Admin

              Your trust doesn’t have to be shattered anymore. The simple truth is to simply trust someone who’s trustworthy, and only as long as they continue to be trustworthy.

              As far as having faith goes, first and foremost have faith in yourself.

              You already have a pair of bat-girl glasses!

              I love the quote by sun tzu, too. That’s why it’s so important to learn all we can.

              Yes, sad but true, he actually said that daddy thing…

  9. Empath

    I do not think psychopaths dream. Mine always said he never had a dream in his life. That would involve brain activity they are severely lacking. I bet if they did dream, it would bore them though.
    Instead they steal your dreams, and suck your soul.

    1. Admin

      I honestly can’t remember if the psychopath told me of any dreams…hmmmm…

  10. Admin


    “…men that want to be your daddy…”

    ‘My’ psychopath used to say, “I’m old enough to be your father, you know.” and I’d say, “well, maybe more like old enough to be my uncle.” and he said “I’d rather be your father, because they have special privileges.”

    They do???

  11. lola

    I just found this and it helped me to connect some dots! Thank you!
    Boredom is the root cause of everything a psychopath does. My ex used to tell me, in the most flattering way he could, that I was the only one who could keep up with him. He said he got bored with everyone else. At the time, this comment bothered me, but I fully didn’t understand why until I left him years later. I now know I was his amusement and muse and the reason he kept returning after every breakup. I think psychopaths reveal themselves early on, but we don’t realize their words are warnings because we don’t think like them. They lack empathy, so my ex couldn’t register how his words did not flatter me, but rather confused me. He also once said that sometimes he tried to understand when I spoke about a feeling, but no matter how deep he went, there was no feeling to be found. I rationalized this to be the way a man processes emotions, instead of what it really was: a glaring light illuminating the fact that he couldn’t feel anything! On the eve of this Valentine’s Day, I am so happy to be away from him and his fake demonstrations of love. Yuck! I remember how strange I would feel. He’d take me to dinner, buy me flowers and say all of the “right” things, but something was always missing! Love is what was missing. He was on auto pilot, doing and saying things he believed would convince me that he was all in. Now in retrospect, I can recognize he was acting, but his performance was dull because the hunt was over. He was so bored of his lines, the role…. On the outside, he was cool and in character, but I could sense on the inside, he was restless needing fresh blood. I feel sorry for the woman he’s with. He is no prize. He will not find her beautiful and comfort her as she ages. He will in fact despise her aging body, even though he is older than she. He will make her turn on herself, so that she will begin to despise herself too. To think, this could have been my fate! The first year and a half after I left him were excruciating, but I am so grateful I survived.

    1. Adelyn Birch

      Glad I could help connect the dots, Lola. Boredom is a huge problem for them; they always need something new to replace whatever (whoever) became boring. Mine actually dumped me by yelling, “YOU BORE ME! I’M DONE WITH YOU!” Sheesh. I’d never seen him angry before that, but apparently boredom was the one thing that could make him blow his top.

      “something was always missing! Love is what was missing” Exactly. It amazes me they could cover that up as long as they did. I see plenty of those glaring, illuminating lights when I look back, too. Now we know.

      1. lola

        This post is so important because I think we victims tend to take it personally when we are made to feel that we are “not enough.” I turned myself into a pretzel trying so hard to be enough in all ways. It would exhaust me trying to be his court jester, sex goddess, trophy girl, therapist, muse etc. Then, I’d hate the women he’d lust after.
        The truth is, no one is enough, it’s the way it has always been and will always be. And, if we can step away for just a bit, we can see that not only is the psychopath bored, he is boring! Once the charm goes and the infatuation is dulled, they’ve got nothing. Now, with all of this distance between us, I can see I fell in love with me. In all of our exchanges, he was giving me back to me. Well, I still have me and I am more than enough for myself. My life is quite full and happy! xo
        PS All he has is himself , which is nothing!

        1. Adelyn Birch

          So true! Once the charm and infatuation faded, he was incredibly boring. It seemed that when he became bored, he got boring, and then he needed someone new. So it was never him who was the exciting one.
          In the book “Defeated Demons,” T.Sheridan called them “forever empty and eternally hungry.”

  12. Megan

    Oh the boredom issue. Boredom became my worst nightmare. Because when he wasn’t content (or at least occupied…because I doubt he understands what true contentment is), life became horrific for me. Burning through money and resources, going shopping and buying stupid, materialistic things to put in his closet (he coveted material things…he tried to act like he didn’t, but he absolutely did), going out and taking his friends on ‘adventures’ that would end up costing three times more than they were supposed to. He burned through money like a teenager with dad’s credit card, not understanding the value of a dollar.

    Partly because of course it also wasn’t his money. It was mine. Always mine. He’d managed to effectively set up a relationship where I was supporting him. Talking about how he was a liberal man; with reverse gender roles on some levels. Woman providing for the man, while he kept house and home. I can remember those conversations vividly; clearly that was him slipping into my head that it was “okay” he was never taking me out to dinner or showering ME with gifts. That it was all on my shoulders.

    Bored moments are also when he’d start doing drugs in excess, or alcohol. Alcohol made him mean. Weed made him a little more laid back, so I’ll admit that was my preferred diversion when he was bored simply because he was easier to ‘survive’ in that state. Meth was his ultimate drug of choice…and I’m ashamed to say by the end I almost relished the moments when he would do Meth, because HIS reaction to that drug was different than most; he’d become completely withdrawn from the world, not talking to anyone for 2-3 days at a time, locked away in a room and surfing the Internet on his own. It was the only time I’d know ‘peace’. (I’m so ashamed to admit to feeling that way; because I know how awful Meth is as a drug…but it’s the blunt, honest truth. One I haven’t said out loud to anyone before, because I feel like that paints me as an awful person.)

    His anxious moments always signaled he was slipping back into boredom. Into reckless behavior. And when he was bored was when he was his most volatile too. Angry with me if my business venture wasn’t taking off as fast as he wanted it to. Accusing me of being deceitful or incompetent; telling me I must be doing something wrong with the business because if HE was in charge it would be wildly successful already. (Instinctively I kept things about work from him. And he hated that. I didn’t answer all his questions. I always tried to keep that part of things to myself, because my business was the pride and joy of my business partner and myself; we’d been building it up for years and working on it, and I just didn’t want him swooping in and taking over…but he hated that.)

    Bad things always seemed to happen when he was bored. Once he was arrested for reckless driving and disorderly conduct, because he got drunk and decided to drive around the neighborhood, and was combative with people who were trying to tell him to slow down and be mindful. Then he was mad at me for not getting him bailed out fast enough (even though I was right there at the jail before he’d even fully finished the booking process…I have NO control over how quickly they processed the paperwork).

    God…as I write about this, I really realize how insane it all was. Just how insane…

    1. Adelyn Birch

      First, here’s an article from Rhonda Freeman, PhD, neuropsychologist, about the biochemistry behind why people stay in abusive relationships: Craving Your Ex? It’s Time to Explore the Reward System

      Dr. Freeman also has a terrific website: NEUROINSTINCTS

      Meth and other stimulants are a psychopath’s drug of choice. When they do meth, their brains produce 4 times the dopamine that ours do.

      I agree, your life with him wasn’t sane. He managed to drag you down into his version of reality. But now you’re back, thank goodness!

      1. Megan

        Wow…I read those articles you linked to…and it’s crazy how spot on it all is. I don’t know why it keeps surprising me at this point. Clearly my ex was a psychopath. I don’t know why it keeps shocking me to get that confirmed. To realize how thoroughly he fit the profile…….even down to his preferred “drug of choice” with the Meth.

        1. Adelyn Birch

          It is shocking. I was completely shocked. We aren’t warned about psychopaths. We didn’t know they live in every neighborhood and seem just like regular people, and that we might end up with one for a partner.

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