Love Not Bombs: LOVE BOMBING

You’ve finally found “the one.” Your relationship seems somehow otherworldly, and your emotional high is so high it feels as if you’ve taken a potent, euphoria-inducing drug. You believe you’ve found your soulmate and can’t believe your good fortune. Unfortunately, you may actually be in the first phase of an emotionally abusive relationship.

Love bombing is an all-encompassing, exhaustive campaign of flattery that “bombs” the target with non-stop positive reinforcement. Typically, the love-bomber showers his or her mark with compliments, praise and appreciation, declarations of undying love early on, promises of a future together, frequent contact by calls, texts and emails, gift-giving, great sex, and a lot of time spent with each other. It’s extreme and over-the-top.

It can (and does) happen online as well, sometimes without ever having met in person.

Some experts believe that not all behavior in the beginning with a psychopathic or narcissistic personality type is grooming, although grooming (which is intentionally manipulative) will be part of it. According to Dr. Rhonda Freeman, clinical neuropsychologist, “the emotional high they demonstrate is quite likely genuine. Many are significantly stimulated and intrigued by their new partner. However, in addition to this ‘high’ there also tends to be manipulation… In his or her “game” the psychopathic or narcissistic individual has the advantage. There will be pain for the unsuspecting trusting target… This is the nature of these disorders. No one is bonded to, appreciated or valued.”

Freeman goes on to say, “Unlike the excitement they have for their new target, the grooming component of their relationships is intentional. It is tailored to set the victim up for future use.” She adds that “grooming is purposeful manipulation with an end goal of taking advantage of the target,” and that grooming “facilitates an impression that the psychopathic individual is safe, generous and trustworthy.”

In other words, they are not really safe, generous or trustworthy, even though they may be genuinely interested in you. You can read more here: Grooming

What greater flattery could there possibly be than having someone who believes you’re the most wonderful person they’ve ever known, someone who truly appreciates you and believes you are worthy of their time, attention, admiration, energy and love? The victim is swept off their feet, oblivious to the truth.

Love bombing reinforces powerful beliefs about ideal love; fosters trust, loyalty, relationship investment and a positive image of the abuser; creates deep bonding and emotional dependence; and sets the stage for disbelief of the manipulator’s misdeeds when they eventually and inevitably come.

The love bomber presents him or herself as your ideal partner, one who is generous, loving, caring and empathetic, and who shares your interests, values, goals and dreams. It couldn’t be further from the truth. Finding out the truth, which happens eventually, is a shocking, heartbreaking experience. The betrayal is deep, and it is hard to overcome.

“Love loves to love love.”

~ James Joyce

 

I hear from many readers who wonder how they could have fallen for love bombing because they’re smart, educated and savvy. Maria Konnikova, PhD, author of The Confidence Game: Why We Fall for It … Every Time, says “I think that anyone, if you press that person’s buttons in the right way, will end up being emotionally involved and stop thinking rationally… Once you’re hot, once you’re in that emotional mode of thinking, it doesn’t matter who you are.”

“I met him in an art gallery… Over the following month he love-bombed outrageously, torrents of words, floods of compliments and promises of “Us” and “We” and “Together” and “Always”. He had done his research well. He hit all the sensitive buttons, and I eventually succumbed to his seductive words and his considerable physical charms. I knew a level of joy and delight unequaled in my life to that point. All my fantasies and longings were met, and I had found completion.” ~A Reader

How can we tell when we’re being conned? According to Konnikova,”This advice is easier said than done. When things are going wrong, we’re skeptical already. When things are going beautifully and we’re really happy, that’s when we have to start questioning and saying, ‘Okay, why is this happening?’ It may not be a con, but it might be.” She says,”Our unshakable belief that we can spot a huckster a mile away is the very thing that keeps us off guard.”

Clues that you’re being manipulated with love bombing are the intensity and the rapid pace set by the manipulator. It leaves you without time to come up for air and think clearly and carefully about who this person really is and what their motivations are. When someone declares undying love for you before they really know you, chances are good that something is wrong.

“When she was married to her first husband she initiated contact with me (I was the friend of a friend), confided how she had been abused, and said she really connected with me. I was her soul-mate, her savior. I swore I never would be involved with a married woman, but she made me believe we were meant to be together. She said so many things that left me in shock, like I was a character in a movie where my deepest fantasies of finding my true love were unfolding. I was absolutely convinced.”  ~A Reader

 

“The confidence game — the con — is an exercise in soft skills. Trust, sympathy, persuasion. The true con artist doesn’t force us to do anything; he makes us complicit in our own undoing.”

~  Maria Konnikova, PhD, author of The Confidence Game: Why We Fall for It … Every Time

In the quote above, the word “complicit” doesn’t seem quite right to me. It’s more like they left us feeling we were complicit, but actually being complicit involves knowledge of what you’re involved in. Psychopaths always want us to take the blame, but we were fed misinformation, and because of that we couldn’t make a decision in our own best interest. Had we known the the truth–that the person was a manipulator and was incapable of the feelings they were claiming to have–I doubt many of us would have agreed to go ahead with them anyway.

Dr. Freeman, an expert in psychopathy and narcissism, says that in order to heal, survivors must learn the facts and gain an understanding of what happened to them so they don’t have to suffer “unnecessary blame and confusion over why they are in such intense pain.” She writes that the pain will last much longer if victims don’t know the facts: “You have to know what you’re dealing with in order to take steps to move forward.” (HEALING AND RECOVERY: MOVING ON AFTER ABUSE)

Your best defense is to slow the pace of any relationship that begins with such idealization and intensity. Easier said than done if you believe you’ve met your ‘soul mate.’ It takes time to get to know someone’s true character. Some people are very different than what they first appear to be. We all believe we’re good judges of character, but in truth we’re not. There is no shortcut; it takes time and observation. Maintain your goals, boundaries, activities, interests and relationships. If the person really loves you, they won’t go anywhere.

Please see the page on this site, Red Flags, to learn more about how to protect yourself. Scroll down to the section headed with “Here are some ideas that may help you avoid involvement with a psychopath.”

“We met in a bar… He was cute in a nerdy way. He was playing the trivia game. We were flirting across the bar… We discussed everything. And the fact that we were so compatible. Soul mates. The first night we met! Ridiculous now that I think back on it. He declared me the coolest chick he had ever met. It was a romantic, heady night, like in all of those damn romantic movies… I was smitten. After that night, we spent every day together. He moved in after two months.” ~A Reader

“Many spiritual traditions recognize that when the dark one appears he is most beautiful, most wonderful and most engaging. The truth only comes out later.”

~unknown

“The confidence people have in their beliefs is not a measure of the quality of evidence but of the coherence of the story that the mind has managed to construct. Quite often you can construct very good stories out of very little evidence. . . . People tend to have great belief, great faith in the stories that are based on very little evidence.”

~ Nobel-winning psychologist Daniel Kahneman, How Our Minds Mislead Us

Romantic love is intense and unstable. Ideally, over time it progresses to long-term attachment, which is characterised by feelings of calm, security and emotional union. This can’t and won’t happen if you’re involved with a disordered “partner” who is devoid of empathy, morals and a conscience. The relationship will never be more than intensity masquerading as intimacy, which results in emotional turmoil and isolation.

“He and I met on a website designed for affairs (please no judging) … clearly there were problems in our marriages, but that website, at least for me, was the only way I knew how to step out of the reality which was my crumbling marriage. When the psychopath and I first met (we lived about 3 hours away from one another), it was a lot of emails, texts, phone calls, video chats, etc. In fact, we didn’t even get to meet face-to-face until almost talking for 3 weeks. But by this point, he had already send me two flower arrangements to my job; dedicated a bunch of love songs to me; and even told me he was in love with me. Yes, you read that right, he told me he was in love with me, without having spent time with me, face-to-face…

The day came when we finally met and it was surreal – I couldn’t believe the person I had been talking to for so long was standing right in front of me. In truth, something seemed a little off, and I thought about walking away… It would be another week before I would see him again. The next time I saw him, not only did we make (what I thought) was love for the first time, but he even had a ring with him – yes, a ring! He proposed to me and asked me to marry him. He told me he was leaving his wife and that he wanted me to leave my husband. He told me he was going to transfer jobs to my city and that the 3 hour commute to see his girls wouldn’t bother him. The only thing he wanted was a future with me.”  ~A Reader

P and I became “followers” of each other on a popular online writing site…  At the time I was afraid, lonely, naïve and grieving. P messaged me in a desperate plea saying he wanted to know everything about me, my phone number, my address, my real name, my favourite food, my favourite songs. He presented as very intense, quite vulnerable… P spent hours of his time talking to me, cultivating trust and caring. I had never felt so special to someone.

Some people would define this as grooming. We think of grooming only in regards to children and young people. It is done to grown adults as well.

From all of this attention I found myself becoming conditioned to the positive feelings he generated in me, as if my brain was being wired to need him. Our interactions gave me bursts of what felt like great joy. Certainly I became used to his daily companionship as I was in a tough period of my life. I was in fact becoming used to the dopamine and endorphin bursts that his attention and flattery produced in me. I mistook these sensations for love.

Every morning he sent me a message that said: hello beautiful, day after day after day he told me he loved me. His attention brought out feelings in me that I had never felt before. As the days went on I bonded with him deeply. I thought I could trust him.”  ~A Reader

Claudia Moscovici of PsychopathyAwareness writes, “With a psychopath the reflection tends to be instant and total. It’s a simulated bonding that’s way too fast, too soon and too good to be true. This happens before any real emotional connection can take place. It occurs before the partners have gotten to know each other well, over time and in different circumstances. Instant bonding is usually a symptom of shallowness of emotions rather than of miraculous compatibility. It means that the psychopath will detach from you and latch on to another target as easily as he initially attached to you. Yet through their conversational glibness and innate charm, as well as through their extraordinary capacity to identify and reflect your deepest desires, psychopaths can initially make you feel like they’re your dream come true. They present themselves as the only partners who could possibly fulfill whatever’s been missing from your life.” 

It’s a simulated bonding that’s way too fast, too soon and too good to be true. This happens before any real emotional connection can take place.

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If you are suffering from trauma after being involved with an abuser, take action toward self care and put your yourself and your recovery first. Healing takes time, and requires patience and self-compassion. It is a challenge, one that requires your effort, but you owe it to yourself to find the information and support you need to recover fully.

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A Poem by Linda, Reader and Resident Poet

A reality check as the Love Bombing was revealed to be a vicious game:

THE NAME OF FIRE

Into my frozen state
You brought a little game
Designed to replicate
The heat that lovers claim.

While singing primal songs
You built from fragile ice
A magic that belongs
To tender artifice.

Your pretty spell was cast
My tender dreams bloomed bright
But magic cannot last
Without illusion’s light.

I fed upon your flame
Reflecting your desire
But knowing fire’s name
Is not the same as knowing fire.

© Linda September 2015

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♥ Love bomb yourself

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LOTUS DIVIDER

“This is a short, easy to understand textbook on manipulation tactics. I highly recommend it to anyone; people who don’t yet realize what’s happening to them, seekers of understanding and peace, loved ones of persons being manipulated, healthcare providers, criminal justice, and seasoned survivors trying to stay on top of their manipulation detection game. Don’t let the modest price tag on this fool you –- the information inside is worth far more.”

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42 thoughts on “Love Not Bombs: LOVE BOMBING”

  1. Jennifer

    Absolutely. Normal people don’t do love bombing. It’s a specialty of sociopaths and they all do it. – It’s amazing how identical and predictable they are! The loon who snagged me was so lucky to be introduced as a temporary roommate who I could also do personal assistant work for – his situation was built in – he needed very little bombing. He certainly was busy love bombing others though daily and all night long! One victim is never enough – I was rolled into a whole roster of active targets and part of a laundry list of new conquests.

    (Some people who are emotionally inexperienced or overly romantic might be over zealous in showing their affections, but love bombing involves nearly round the clock attention in texts, messaging and other contact. It’s relentless until you give in or block them.)

    1. Adelyn Birch

      It can manifest as around-the-clock attention in some cases, but sometimes it doesn’t go that far and yet still induces feelings of a divinely-inspired connection and all the rest. I would have thought he was a loon if he did that, and since Ps can read people so well, he probably sensed the amount of contact I would be comfortable with, and he knew how to make it count. I never believed in “soul mates,” and in fact I thought it was a ridiculous idea… until I met him.

      1. Jennifer

        Me too!! As in I didn’t believe the “soulmate” concept; I’m not very romantic, much more practical. It is a fact that sociopaths have an uncanny skill to get inside people and lead us with only a few words to do exactly what they want without them ever suggesting it directly. Then their improvisation skills take over – they pick up from whatever it is we put out and they go for the next planted idea. They have an overall arch of “want” but the path to get there is all improv and bob and weave.

        1. Adelyn Birch

          It was shocking to not only’believe’ in soul mates, but to be so certain that mine had found me. And then to find out so many others experienced the soul-mate thing, too! It’s very strange, especially since they were the opposite of soul mates.

  2. Traci

    I cry daily for how dumb I was, I would give anything to go back and change ever knowing him, It is so hard not to blame yourself for your own destruction ?

    1. Adelyn Birch

      Traci, when you say you feel “dumb” and that you blame yourself, it means you need to learn the facts about manipulation and emotional abuse.

      Rhonda Freeman, PhD, a clinical neuropsychologist and an expert in psychopathy and narcissism, says that in order to heal, survivors must learn the facts and gain an understanding of what happened to them so they don’t have to suffer “unnecessary blame and confusion over why they are in such intense pain” and that the pain will last much longer if they don’t know the facts. She says “You have to know what you’re dealing with in order to take steps to move forward.” Do yourself a big favor, and read Dr. Freeman’s article and my posts on this site in the “self-blame” category. Best wishes to you.

      HEALING AND RECOVERY: MOVING ON AFTER ABUSE
      http://neuroinstincts.com/healing-and-recovery/

  3. Linda

    “The true con artist doesn’t force us to do anything; he makes us compicit in our own undoing” – How very true! I cannot deny that I met him half-way, swept along on a torrent of words and empty fantasies. … This is another powerful post Adelyn. Thank you for your tireless dedication to educating and supporting all of us who have been victimized by a psychopath. You are unmasking the predator behind the charming, seductive facade. You are saving lives, mine included. – xx

    1. Adelyn Birch

      To tell you the truth, I almost didn’t use that quote because the word “complicit” isn’t quite right. It’s more like they made us FEEL we were complicit, but being complicit involves knowledge of what you’re involved in. We were fed misinformation, and because of that we couldn’t make a decision in our own best interest. Had we known the the truth–that the person was a manipulator and was incapable of the feelings they were claiming to have–I doubt many of us would have agreed to go ahead with them anyway. You may have had an idea that it was a fantasy, but I bought all of it. I fell for it hook, line and sinker. I’m happy to be saving lives; it is well worth the dedication involved. Thank you, Linda xx

  4. Lady Vigilant 2

    Linda,
    Great poem again, Thank u!!
    Adelyn,
    Thank your for writing about how we get drugged(Lovebombed) in the beginning off a love relationship with these Evil Clowns/Psychos after the drug takes effect they turn us Emotional,Intellectual, Spiritual Zombies & we cant/ unable to think straight for long time until the drug wares off.

    1. Adelyn Birch

      You’re welcome, Lady Vigilant 2!

      1. Lady Vigilant

        Btw, Great Art Work , whose work is it?

        1. Adelyn Birch

          I did the two with planes dropping hearts. The rest is from Pixabay, but I don’t know who the artists are.

  5. lola

    Great post! So true, complicity is key! Complicity is how psychopaths can slither away at the end, putting all of the responsibility on us. When we’d go through our break ups, my ex used to say, “You knew what you were getting into. You knew you were involved with a highly sexual man.” Then, he’d accuse me of misrepresenting myself and being dishonest because If I really loved and understood him then I would be able to understand his tremendous need for deviant sex and constant female attention and forgive his cheating. I would understand that the sex with others meant nothing.
    Psychopaths lure their victims into the web, making us feel we had a choice. I think the control and manipulation it takes to execute a capture makes them feel powerful. Psychopaths have repeated the con so many times they know the tricks to make a woman succumb. They know how women think! To protect ourselves we have to clearly understand how psychopaths and narcissists think. This site and your posts are fantastic and so very helpful!
    “Instant bonding is usually a symptom of shallowness.” – This is also key!! Substantial people don’t have a need to instantly bond because they have full lives and are nervous about a new relationship, so they take it slow! A manipulator, on the other hand, will turn on the charm to hook a woman fast because there are no emotions on the line. If he’s unsuccessful, the psychopath might be disappointed because he lost a potential resource. He is not afraid of a heartache because he has no heart. He feels nothing, he only pretends.
    I believe dating sites are danger zones because thats where vulnerable women go, ripe for being played by psychopaths. Dating profiles are loaded with all of the specifics a psychopath needs to know to con a woman looking for love. I think all women should avoid these sites.

    1. Adelyn Birch

      He said you knew what you were getting involved with, and accused YOU of misrepresenting yourself because you should have understood his need for deviant sex and forgiven his cheating, AND understood that it meant nothing?! My head is spinning, Lola. This takes the psychopathic cake. Maybe they all do. The one I knew told me it was me who seduced him (to which I shouted, “Bulls**t!” not once but three times) and that he never said or implied that our relationship was anything more than an affair and that I must have imagined that it was (more BS). It was a ridiculous attempt at gaslighting. They will say anything, no matter how outrageous, just in case we might believe it in our confused and weakened state.

      Dating sites are dangerous… but apparently so are consumer complaint websites, writer websites, meetups and church. It can happen anywhere, but it’s true that they get a head start with the info in a dating profile.

      1. lola

        LOL, yes his way of thinking had my head spinning too. Now that I am out of it, I can see how crazy it was. However, while I was in “it,” I so easily accepted blame. What is most interesting to me is how I readily accepted blame and turned myself into a pretzel to accept his way!

        Like you said in this post, “He made me complicit in my own undoing.” This is the most despicable form of manipulation. It’s like self cannibalization!

        I thank God everyday that I somehow found the strength to save myself!!!

        1. Adelyn Birch

          It’s amazing what can happen when we’re caught in their crazy, upside-down world. It’s only with distance and time that we can get clear and see just how crazy it was.

  6. BetterBe Anon

    Sometimes it can be so fast and so over the top that it’s bizarre, like watching a cat with sheathed claws batting around a little bird whilst the cat does its best to dazzle. At other times – so I’ve read – the love-bombing stage can literally go on for years, with the appearance of an absolutely perfect relationship until the bottom falls out of the target’s world.

    I think grooming is a VERY apt term and one that should be used more in this context. In fact ANYTHING to do with a P is probably grooming.

    Life is good :-) Readjustement has taken about a year, but life is good. Now I’m just hungry to learn and hungry to pass on my new knowledge. :-)

    1. Adelyn Birch

      Grooming is what it is. It’s a term used to describe what child predators do to gain their victim’s trust, and it carries the weight and the seriousness that it should.

      Pass it on, BetterBe. I highly recommend it!

  7. Jandira

    Hello,

    Thanks for this clear, brillhant article!!

    I wonder if you allow me to translate it into Portuguese and put it on my Facebook? It can help so many women more…

    Thanks so much!!!

    1. Adelyn Birch

      Yes, of course! Let me know if it would help if I email you a copy. Thank you, Jandira.

  8. Jandira

    Thanks so much Adelyn!! Send me the text to my email.
    I’ll start today the translation! I’m not an ‘ official’ translator yet, but I can do a good job. I’ll send a copy if you want, okay? Again, thanks so much! I have found myself in these shoes and I’m still struggling to heal!
    Thanks! Hugs from Brazil!
    Jandira

    1. Adelyn Birch

      Hugs to you, too!

  9. Klarissa

    It is hard for me to understand how the emotional high they have can be genuine but also manipulative at the same time. The giddy excitement when he would see me. He would actually blush! So, that can be real but yet they are also self aware and know they are manipulating us? Know they truly can’t feel or attach? He really seemed to believe he was the nice, humble, kind person he portrayed but there were times, looking back, I could sense his delight in duping me or manipulating me.

    1. Adelyn Birch

      Dr. Freeman didn’t explain it, but this is how I understand it: while they may (sometimes) be “genuinely excited,” they will manipulate you because what they’re excited about is possessing you (because they don’t know what love is), so they have to “groom” you in order to get you to bond with them. Does that make sense?

    2. Dr. Freeman

      Hi – (This is Dr. Freeman)

      Someone sent me a link to this blog today – and I’m so glad they did! What a wonderful site you have!

      Adelyn, I hope you don’t mind me chiming in on this particular question. :-)

      I wanted to explain what I meant by the emotional high of a psychopath being “genuine,” while the grooming on the other hand in intentional manipulation.

      What is happening is two simultaneous processes. They absolutely have the ability to feel excited and stimulated by people and things — it the reward system of the brain. And it works almost too well for those with psychopathy!
      In fact, research has found that their reward system is a more sensitive than that of a normal person. Hence the reason why they (more than the rest of us) start off their relationships with intensity. It is genuine and they really are feeling that excited about you.

      (The reward system is system of the brain that kicks into gear when we are newly in love or attracted to someone. It makes us hyperfocus on people, crave them, think of them all the time and get butterflies at the thought/ sight of them. This is very natural and a system that we all have and have all felt it in action. Psychopaths have this system too of course, but the dial of theirs is set at a 10 (arbitrary number), while everyone else is a let’s say … 5)

      Although psychopaths have this system that drives them to have this intense attraction and desire for their new target, they brain is also built to be a natural manipulator.

      Because they cannot be exposed to something without taking advantage of it – they ‘fatten up their goose’ to eat later. They groom her. They let her know (in a manipulative way) what is expected of her, how this relationship will go and how he wants the experience for him to be when his excitement ends.

      Most of the time, they do not know they are going to completely lose interest and hate their current mate (crash from their dopamine high – their reward system is over it — it’s not new anymore) – Many of them are of the genuine belief that they have truly met “the one.” They blame her when ‘their’ brain disconnects from the relationship. This is a dangerous time (emotional or physical or both) for the former object of his affection.

      Because of this disorder, psychopaths are operating on two tracks when they are with a new partner.

      Intentional manipulator AND their (involuntary) reward system.

      Klarissa – The short answer to your question is:
      yes – if he is a psychopath then it is highly probable that he felt very stimulated, attracted, and interested – it was genuine. That part was not a dupe.

      However, if the person has strong psychopathic traits, then there was likely grooming mixed in there as well.

      Hope that clarifies what I meant in the article.

      Best to you all,
      Dr. Freeman

      1. Adelyn Birch

        Hi Dr. Freeman! Thank you for coming by and clarifying this for us. I think I will turn it into a new post so everyone will be sure to read it. I only discovered your website recently, and it’s a wonderful resource. Your caring and compassion really come through. We tend to get left out of the discussion! I’ve been directing the guys that come here to your Men’s Corner, since there’s very little information available just for them.

        Thanks again; your input is greatly appreciated! All the best to you, too.

        Dr. Freeman’s website: NEUROINSTINCTS

        1. Klarissa

          Wow! Thank you, Dr. Freeman!
          This explanation is so helpful. Not only in gaining some understanding about his behavior but also in helping me to have peace about everything and just move on!
          Appreciate the work Adelyn does through this blog and you taking the time to comment!

          1. Adelyn Birch

            I’m so glad you came back and saw her comment! I’m happy it helped you, Klarissa.

          2. Dr. Freeman

            That’s great to hear Klarissa! Glad I was able to shed some light on the condition!

        2. Dr. Freeman

          Sure – you’re welcome!

  10. Klarissa

    I think so…. are you saying they know they are manipulating us and controlling us and that is what excites them? I understand they can’t love or attach but do they mistake their own feelings for attachment or is it really that calculated and fabricated?
    If that is the case, it helps to know those feelings I felt that he was duping me and liking it were real. Of course I only recognized it after the fact. At the time, I thought he was smirking or slightly laughing for other reasons. Ugh!

    1. Adelyn Birch

      They’re excited about you… and one of the things they’re excited about is purposefully manipulating you so they can keep you around and use you. To a psychopath, we are exciting objects that they want to posses and control and take advantage of (until they get bored and they need a new object to excite them). So they’re excited about their new object and excited about manipulating their new object.

      I found an article on Dr. Freeman’s website that explains it better. She wrote:

      “For individuals with (psychopathy), there is an additional layer to excitement at the beginning of a relationship—Grooming. Unlike the excitement they have for their new target, the grooming component of their relationships is intentional. It is tailored to set the victim, or target, up for future use.” She says “grooming is purposeful manipulation with an end goal of taking advantage of the target.” Grooming “facilitates an impression that the psychopathic individual is safe, generous and trustworthy.”

      In other words, they are not safe, generous or trustworthy; it’s an act to trap us. You can read more here:

      Grooming
      http://neuroinstincts.com/grooming-embarking-on-a-romantic-relationship-with-a-psychopath/

  11. Klarissa

    Thank you, Adelyn. That was very helpful!

    1. Adelyn Birch

      You’re welcome, Klarissa!

  12. Dee

    This is written so well and breaks down how easily it is for anyone to fall for this trap. We victims were seduced through love bombing and then groomed to obey. Initially, I thought the psychopath openly shared what happened in his failed marriage because he trusted me, but that was not the case. What he really did was lay out the boundaries of what was permissible and what was not. For example: He told me how his crazy ex wife was super sensitive and made issues out of everything, especially when it came to being jealous of other women. He told me there was nothing he could do or say that would make her feel safe in the relationship. This was my cue to deny and silently endure his overt flirtations, especially on Facebook. He had so many female admirers!

    A mutual friend recently told me that the woman in his life who once commented on virtually every one of his Facebook posts is now absent on his fb. My friend guesses that they probably broke up, but that’s not the case at all. Closer to the truth, he has her very well trained, She knows in order to keep him around, she must play by his rules. The problem is the goal posts will keep moving. I remember living in those shoes. I was in constant fight or flight, smiling, but miserable inside. It was a tortured trapped existence; wanting to leave, but staying, hoping that Mr. Wonderful who showered me with those love bombs would return. He never did and he won’t return for her either because he isn’t real. Like you said Adelyn, “Instant bonding is usually a symptom of shallowness in emotions.” Thanks again for this. Your posts are like a great re boot!

    1. Adelyn Birch

      That was very crafty, the way he set you up to silently tolerate his behavior. And at the same time, his self-disclosure made him seem vulnerable and open to sharing with you, creating a false sense of emotional intimacy.

      We all wished and waited for the love-bomber persona to return — what a perfect set-up it was! We didn’t have a chance. I’m glad you liked the post, Dee.

  13. Ann

    ” Your best defence is to slow the pace of any relationship that begins with intensity. Mantain your goals , boundaries, activities and relationships. If the person really loves you, they wont go anywhere.
    This post resonated with me on so many levels and this advice is spot on! In fact what it means actually is taking the emotions out of the decision making process and using logic to make decisions. And once you go through the pain you dont have any option but to use this thought process.
    I have found that in a new rendevous with someone giving it time, observing, coupled with listening to your gut instinct works well everytime
    And above all , if there is a shred of doubt about a mans character, i have no problem in walking. the reason, im too valuable to put myself through that ever again.

    1. Adelyn Birch

      Good for you, Ann! You sound strong. Decisions based on emotions are rarely good ones.

  14. Asheley

    I used to think I was so smart as I was sure I would never fall for a man conning me with his words. But of course I never suspected to be love bombed the way I was.. intense physical closeness, and not really in a sexual way, P had me addicted to his tight physical grip. He held me so tight at times I thought I was going to pop but I fell in love and in awe of him because of this. That was his main love bombing method, although he used his eyes a lot too which were definitely intense but so loving. He threw in several declarations of love and that was it, I was a goner! After it was over and my heart was broken I remember actually trying to get friends to hug me really tightly, I think I was in withdrawl as crazy as that sounds. Sooo glad that’s behind me! Oh and hi Adelyn and thank you. Hope you’re well. Ox

    1. Adelyn Birch

      Hi, Asheley. So now you’ve gotten my wheels turning… (do you hear the creaking?)… maybe Lovebombing can be simple, as long as the right techniques for you are used. And maybe for all of us, out of the slew of lovebombing tactics we experienced, there were actually just a couple–or maybe even just ONE–that actually did the job! That feels right to me. Now I’m wondering what it was, for me, that pushed me over the edge. That would be good to know for future reference. I’ll have to give it some thought. I’m well, thank you for asking xo

  15. Heather

    I am enjoying your book 202 ways pyscopath in a personal relationship. I am feeling closure with some of my pain. I have only question I can’t to find the answer to anywhere. With his Dx of psychopath and borderline personality disorder. Many people wonder how I actually got him to marry me. Not that I received a faithful moment. Then he wanted to start a family. But withdrew.emotionally.. cheated.. turned my world around.. you name he did it. Help need insight.

    1. Adelyn Birch

      Hi Heather. I’m sorry, I don’t know the answer to your question. We can never really know for sure what someone’s intentions were; the best we can do is guess. The important thing is that he did marry you, and he ended up turning your world upside down, and now you must go about turning it rightside-up again. I wish you all the best as you do that.

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