I imagine a day in the future when a cure for psychopathy is found.
Public announcements will be made informing psychopaths far and wide of free clinics that will offer the cure. An army of nurses in white will stand at the ready, their medicine cups arranged in neat and orderly rows, each holding one tiny pill. That sounds great, except for one thing…
Not one psychopath will show up.
Why would someone with a grandiose self-concept want a cure? A cure for WHAT? Their superiority? Ask them and they’ll tell you WE’RE the ones who need a damned cure. They do not want to be like us. They feel contempt for us and believe we deserve to be abused.
Because of that, it is very difficult, if not impossible, to feel compassion for a psychopath.
I was inspired to write this article after someone said that although psychopaths aren’t able to feel compassion, we are, and if that’s true we need to have compassion for them. If we don’t, she said, how are we any different?
Even if they are afflicted with a neurobiological disorder, we are the ones who suffer because of it, not them. They experience contemptuous delight at the pain they purposely inflict upon us. They choose who, when, and how they will abuse, so they do have some control over their behavior. They know right from wrong, but they don’t or can’t care. That does not inspire compassion.
It’s hard to cue up the violins for people like that. Yet we would welcome a cure for this disorder that condemns the afflicted to a life spent in a psychic landscape so alien to ours that psychopaths seem like…well, aliens. We welcome it because of what their disorder does to us. It wrecks their life too, but the thing is, they don’t know it. They see it in a completely different way, and that makes it hard to feel compassion.
A cure for the Mad Max world between their ears would benefit everyone involved, even if some of those involved aren’t able to comprehend that.
Dr. Kent Kiehl, one of the world’s leading investigators in psychopathy, has an interesting perspective on the problem. He says he “is frustrated by the lack of respect shown to psychopathy by the mental-health establishment. ‘Think about it. Crime is a trillion-dollar-a-year problem. The average psychopath (who has been imprisoned) will be convicted of four violent crimes by the age of forty. And yet hardly anyone is funding research into the science. Schizophrenia, which causes much less crime, has a hundred times more research money devoted to it.’
Asked why, Kiehl said this:
‘Because schizophrenics are seen as victims, and psychopaths are seen as predators. The former we feel empathy for, the latter we lock up.’ ‘Suffering Souls’
He makes a good point. But why don’t they look at it from the perspective of the damage they cause others? Isn’t that a cause worthy of funding?
Kiehl is correct when he says more funding for research is needed. And part of it needs to go toward studying psychopaths who blend into society and ruin lives without ever seeing the inside of a jail cell. But good luck with that, since psychopathy isn’t a even a diagnosis in the DSM, the ‘bible’ of psychiatry. How can something be funded if it doesn’t exist?
You may be wondering why it’s not a recognized diagnosis that can stand on its own, and why it is instead lumped in with Anti-Social Personality Disorder. Dr. Robert Hare considers that to be a huge mistake, and says this about it:
“Traditionally, affective (emotional) and interpersonal traits such as egocentricity, deceit, shallow affect, manipulativeness, selfishness, and lack of empathy, guilt or remorse, have played a central role in the conceptualization and diagnosis of psychopathy. In 1980 this tradition was broken…Psychopathy was re-named antisocial personality disorder and was now defined by persistent violations of social norms, including lying, stealing, truancy, inconsistent work behavior and traffic arrests.
Among the reasons given for this dramatic shift away from the use of clinical inferences were that personality traits are difficult to measure reliably, and that it is easier to agree on the behaviors that typify a disorder than on the reasons why they occur…”
~ Psychopathy and Antisocial Personality Disorder: A Case of Diagnostic Confusion, by Robert Hare, PhD.
In other words, the emotional and relational traits of psychopathy are too difficult to identify, so instead clinicians decided to look at behavioral traits because they’re easier to see. Since criminal psychopaths have behavioral traits similar to those with ASPD, they stuck psychopathy in with that diagnosis. The problem was solved… Or so it seemed.
To me, one of the main problems with that conclusion is this: If you don’t know the underlying cause of someone’s behavior, how can you ever hope to change it, or at least, how to deal with it?
Another big problem is that the behavior of many psychopaths isn’t so overtly antisocial that they end up in the legal system or in front of a clinician, so this stealth class of psychopaths isn’t represented at all. These sub-criminal psychopaths are the type who victimized many of us. They committed moral crimes, and never ended up before a judge. They’re largely a mystery to mental health professionals. As a result, that get away with their crimes against us without facing any consequences at all. They slip invisibly through the cracks that few even know exist.
they slip invisibly through the cracks
In my travels through cyberspace, I have repeatedly come upon an article in the search results titled ‘The Hidden Suffering of the Psychopath.” I thought the psychiatrist who wrote it must have been seriously duped. I didn’t even want to look at it. When I finally did, I realized my hunch was correct. Everything he said went against all that is known about psychopathy.
Willem H.J. Martens, MD, PhD, says in the first paragraph, “… Like healthy people, many psychopaths love their parents, spouse, children and pets in their own way.”
I took a deep breath, and continued reading.
“…Despite their outward arrogance, inside psychopaths feel inferior to others…”
“…Psychopaths can suffer emotional pain for a variety of reasons. Like anyone else, psychopaths have a deep wish to be loved and cared for.”
Where did he get his information? It contradicts everything known about psychopaths.
He goes on to say, “As psychopathic serial killers Jeffrey Dahmer and Dennis Nilson expressed, violent psychopaths ultimately reach a point of no return, where they feel they have cut through the last thin connection with the normal world. Subsequently their sadness and suffering increase…”
As it turns out, the psychiatrist wrote his paper based on two serial killers, Dahmer and Nilson.
“…Dahmer and Nilsen have stated that they killed simply for company…”
They killed for company?!
Jefferey Dahmer and Dennis Nilson were never diagnosed as psychopathic. They both were diagnosed as schizoid, along with a dizzying array of other disorders (borderline, paranoid, Aspergers, etc.). It’s not possible to come up with theories about psychopathy when you study subjects who may not even be psychopathic to begin with. It’s common to think all serial killers are psychopaths, but some aren’t.
Martens says, “For the rest of us it is unimaginable that these men were so lonely — yet they describe their loneliness and social failures as unbearably painful.”
Psychopaths don’t experience loneliness, but they do experience intense boredom and have a great need for stimulation. Their source of stimulation? People. Seeking out people because of a need for stimulation is very different than seeking out people because of loneliness. And seeking out people so you can kill them and prop them up in your easy chair to have “company” is something else entirely.
Either Dahmer and Nilsen were psychopaths who duped this doctor and the ones who diagnosed them as schizoid, or they just weren’t psychopaths at all. What this doctor puts forth goes against all that is known about psychopathy.
I include it here because I know many of you have probably come across this article, too. If you believe what Martens says, it will tug on your heart strings and quite possibly make you want to go back to that psychopath you knew and attempt to soothe his emotional agony. They don’t have emotional agony, but they’re very good at giving it to us.
Compassion for the psychopath? It’s tough. But we should have compassion for ourselves, because we are the ones who suffer as a result of their disorder.
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Psychopaths don’t want compassion; if we feel compassion for them they don’t appreciate it. Forgiving them works the same way; they don’t want our forgiveness because they don’t think they have done anything wrong nor do they change their choice of behaviors, so there is nothing to forgive.
That article The Hidden Suffering of the Psychopath drew a stronger reaction from me! Perhaps it was written by a Psychopath trying to stir up pity for them. My ex Psychopath was always going for pity. If Dahmer & Nielson are psychopaths, of course they will say/lie they killed for company, or whatever bizarre lie comes into their brains that they think will evoke pity for them. Loneliness does not cause atrocious murder; a cause and effect relationship doesn’t make sense.
Serial killer Kenneth Bianchi faked multiple personality disorder/schizophrenia to try to avoid criminal prosecution, when he was caught. He fooled some psychiatrists, but when they found out he was faking, he tried other tactics. I wonder how many psychopaths never get caught.
Thank you for an accurate and insightful post. BTW, the link to the article didn’t work for me; I found it via Google, but didn’t read it all – too irritating to me. I don’t blame the author; it’s incredibly difficult and ‘against the grain’ to recognize the true motives of psychopaths. It took me a long time to recognize what they really are.
I also suspect the author might be a psychopath. You never know. But either way, psychopath or duped doctor, the whole thing is bunk, including the claim that the loneliness they felt was just so, so terrible that they had to kill to relieve it. Pshhaw.
I’m not going to let the author off the hook so easily. He’s a psychiatrist. It’s unbelievable so many in the mental health field are so clueless.
I fixed the links. Thanks for pointing that out, and thanks for your comment!
I’ve been thinking of a therapist from the 1970s who inveigled me into one of his ‘groups’ …’forced’ would be a better way to put it. This guy was clueless. I did not want to join and it was a disaster when I did…not good for me at all. Only his opinion mattered. He was tyrannical and childish. Then my brother started seeing him and guess what? My brother ended up in a hospital for the criminally insane for 8 years.
As if that were not enough, this same therapist GOT MY PARENTS IN TO SEE HIM…I was stunned when I saw them in the parking lot just after my appointment!!
I was so shocked and livid I could hardly contain myself. At my next session I confronted him and reminded him that he himself had said he would never bring my parents in (which should never have come up at all anyway…)
And my parents were clueless narcissists. My mother had NPD, so she wanted another ‘victim’ to listen to her tirades against me.
I found out from a University of Mass. hospital (psychiatric staff) that they despised this therapist and he got ‘his neck almost chopped off’)…well. I wonder why?
This was well before HIPAA, unfortunately…because violating a client’s (patient’s) trust would have landed him with criminal charges and a very dark spot on his professional reputation…if he ever continued as a therapist again.
He always used to check me out too…I was a petite dark-haired girl and he almost fell out of his chair after I arrived in 4-inch heels one day…I turned to see him focused on my behind…why did I dress like that? Because at my last session with him he came right out and told me I dressed like a ‘weirdo’. Oh…there’s more. He also called me the ‘family dummy’….and there were plenty of other things.
If only I had met with others who were seeing him. I recall one woman who was also irate at being ‘shamed/forced’ into joining one of his ‘sessions/groups’. He sucked at those group meetings…absolutely sucked.
Other families who saw him complained about his ‘money lust’…the ‘more the merrier’ in his book…more clients/more money. Loser.
You’ve had more than your share of pathological people in your life, Babs, I hope you’re free of them now, and will stay that way. This therapist you speak of was one of them. It’s mind-boggling to consider going to a therapist for help after dealing with a psychopath, and then having them be one, too (shudder)
Thank you, Admin. Your hugs and expressions of sympathy really mean a lot. Unfortunately, due to my upbringing (scapegoated in a very sick family), I just draw these pathological people in like flies on sh___.
Maybe that belief you have — that you draw them in, and there’s nothing you can do about it because of your upbringing — is something to examine. It might not be valid. The way I see it is that you’re more than qualified to spot them and keep them out of your life.
You may want to take a close look at your boundaries, find any holes or weak spots they might be sneaking through, and give those some attention. How does that sound to you? Please understand that I’m not blaming you in any way, shape or form; I only want you to protect yourself, and I believe you have the power to do that.
Absolutely zero compassion…..none, nada….
My psychopath is has cancer and I can’t make myself feel compassion for him. My older sister says I’m mean but she didn’t go through what I did.
I love reading these blogs. Very educational and helps me understand this disorder.
Thanks, Colleen. I’m glad to hear it!
I enjoyed your article this morning, and agree totally. So many if onlys arise to my mind..if only they weren’t so awful, if only they knew what they were missing, if only they could “FEEL” anything decent….
…:):):):) I won’t hold my breath–it will never happen…39 years showed me well….have a great day!
Thanks. I hope you have a great day, too.
I was reffering to this last article when commenting on the article “shiny objects”.
I have understanding for their (Ps) problems, their genetical condition and the traits related to it. I do not have pitty or compassion for them. Pitty is the greatest weakness of us humans. I have compation for their victims. They certainly cannot do anthing about their genetical condition or the brain “deffect” or disfuncion but they certainly can do something about other traits – antisocial behaviour and crime (including killing). They simply don’t want to change – they have a notorious unwillingness to change. Their behaviour is not God alike. God is not destructive, God doesn’t steal, God doesn’t lie, God doesn’t commit crime. God does have better intellect than Psychopath. A psychopath cannot create world, space, stars, planets, water, air and many other things God is cappable to do. God doesn’t play with other peoples feelings, perception and intellect. I’ve never been victimized by God.
They are far better at destroying than creating.
I’m not sure if they ‘simply don’t want to change,’ or if they are unable to. When one of them says they’ve changed, I’m never sure if I should believe it. So many say that to get out of prison (and in fact, a much larger percentage of psychopaths are paroled compared with non-psychopaths, yet they are much more likely to commit more crimes). If they can change their antisocial behavior, I’m glad to hear it. But I won’t believe it until I see it. From a distance, preferably.
Pity definitely gets us into trouble, which is why they use the ‘pity play.’ But I think pity is only a weakness when it’s directed at them. At other times, it leads us to help those who truly need it.
Let’s hope god has a better intellect than a psychopath. Although I did read an article titled something like “God is a Psychopath,” and it was pretty convincing.
can you post me the link of this article? i’m not sure if i was reading the same one. In some articles people claim that God is psychopath others say that people who wrote the Bible were psychopaths. No matter the claim, opinion or whatever it might be called, we for sure do not know who God is. It seams that he is the invention of us humans. If you take a look at Greek Gods and Goddesses, their Egyptian, Roma or Indian counterparts you’ll come to the conclusion that Zeus (and his counterparts in other religions) is in fact a psychopath. I had realized that all those Gods and Goddesses are nobody else but archetypes of human beings with personality or mental disorders. Their immortality can be interpreted as the prevalence of these disorders from generation to generation. Once I understood that I understood the concept of the Abrahamic religions too. Abrahamic God is by no means a psychopath.
I will try to find the article. It’s been a couple of years since I read it.
I’m not a believer, at least not in the sense of a God that sees all and has control over things. When I look at all the horrifying ugliness in the world, all the suffering, such as a child being horrifically abused or someone being brutally tortured, I find it impossible to believe there is a God. Then again, when I see goodness and beauty, I think there may have been some sort of creative intelligence that manifested everything. But it seems we’re on our own. It’s a big mystery, all of it. But if there is a God, I’m sure he/she/it is not a psychopath.
And they love being cruel and their victims deserve what they get.when I told my phycopath the creeps only reply was I’m sorry your not feeling well,I was shocked and told him he was a heartless psycho no response.
When I told mine about an ongoing physical problem, his response was, “well why don’t you just forget about it?” Yes, that’ll solve the problem. Thanks for nothing. ‘I’m sorry’ was not included in his vocabulary banks. They just couldn’t care less.
My psychopath used to laugh hysterically at anybody’s discomfort. It sent electrical charges down my spine to hear that laugh. She had a way of putting her hand in front of her face as she laughed. And hardly anyone noticed in high school. She was extremely cruel during those years.
One young woman who grew up two houses down the street from her became a very good friend of mine. This woman DID know, and had for many years…she said she thought we were just good friends, but then remembered our last year of high school. She said, “You really went downhill that year and no one ever heard from you again.”
I had to have my stomach pumped because I swallowed a bottle of pills. No one in my family showed any interest or concern (of course my parents were ‘masters’ at concealment…).
I’m sorry that happened to you, and sorry your family didn’t show concern, Babs. (((HUGS))) to you
Thank you so much for all the information you have shared. It has really openned my eyes. I can’t believe for 25 years I lived with a psychopath without knowing. Now the mask is off and my life has been a nightmare. I am trying to break out from the control, but it seems almost impossible.
It’s good that you know the truth now, because it will change how you look at things and how you see yourself. You come to realize you’re none of the awful things the psychopath tried so hard to convince you of. I hear from other people who spent 20, 25, even 39 years with a psychopath, and they recover and go on. Many have broken out from the control, and their lives are transformed when they’re free. It may seem impossible, but you will find your way. It might be the hardest thing you’ve ever done, but it will turn out to be the best thing. You can not go on ‘living in a nightmare.’ You are deserving and worthy of so much more than that.
If anyone reading this can give ‘d’ some advice or support, especially someone who was involved in a long relationship, that would be great.
I think what is so difficult is that no one really believes me. I am fortunate that my family does – they saw it before I did. My “husband” we are not divorced yet is so powerful in our community. I am the “bad” one. When I question him or do something to make him mad he finds a way to “punish” me – usually he threatens me by saying he will take my daughter from me. I hate the CONTROL!
You definitely need some good legal advice. I’m glad to hear your family supports you.
“d”, like admin said, get some legal advice. I can’t advise you on a long term relationship because mine was short, but you need to muster up your family and friends that understand and support you. You can’t control what people think, so let go of those non supporters. Don’t care what others might think, just think that it will be a far better life for your daughter and yourself to get away from him. The smear campaign from the psycho will be bad, that’s where an intervention order is necessary. I had the help of a very strong and good friend and an intervention order. I lost some friends, but learnt some invaluable lessons on life.
Hi d,
What you are describing is typical Psychopath behavior. The more you read about them, the better you will be able to predict his behavior and protect yourself. I found it helpful to get information about how a ‘relationship’ with a Psychopath affects the victim, to help me with my recovery.
With respect to his smear campaign and threats to take your daughter, you might consider the grey rock technique, which is really the only thing that can be effective in dealing with the Psychopath. http://www.lovefraud.com/2012/02/10/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/
Prayers for your safety and healing.
Is this the same site that has posted about ‘the labyrinth?’ How we victims get so hoodwinked and sidelined by these evil creatures that we can spend decades trying to find a way out? The Labyrinth is an actual state of mental anguish and confusion, with telling artist’s rendition of the twisting and winding path that we have to take in order to free ourselves completely from psychopathic abuse.
Figuring out how we got there and getting out is an arduous task (and unfortunately there are far too few therapists to help us because they were not trained/or educated properly…) and many probably don’t want to deal with such deep and dark issues.
Yes, it’s one of the most recent posts. Hopefully it won’t take most people ‘decades,’ though, to make a good deal of progress healing. The possibility of that, and the dearth of qualified therapists, is why we have to help each other.
All good luck d, it will be a tough battle but now you know what he is you are actually forarmed.
The grey rock method is good, try not to react to his threats, any emotional reaction only ‘feeds’ him, and makes him stronger, while depleting and exhausting you. He will go after what you value, that’s why they always target the children. They only use the children to meet their perverse needs, the same as he has done to you all those years, protect at all cost. ‘One moms battle’ is a to do manual for the horrific family courts, read it and be inspired. Know what you want, then know what you need, then fight for it. Keep a log of all he says and does to you, all that happens. They keep us in this state of fear/paralysis, because we know what they are capable of inflicting on us and the children, the consequences we suffer if we ‘upset’ them, know that you will conquer that fear, and know that you will get out of your situation even when you lose a battle along the way, learn from it and stay true to you, and carry on fighting. You will get there. I was with abuser for 20 years, April 2012 I learned what he is, I’m still in the court system but children and I safe away from him. I have custody, he has no access, he underpays his maintenance and I am bringing him to court for arrears in a few weeks, the case for house and other assests will be heard 2015. We are all safe and happy away from him since august 2013. 2014 was the year of healing, this website helped me so much, there are a few that helped me out of hell, and Admin xx was one of them, literally saved my sanity and my life, and is still helping me make sense of the madness I had endured. Good luck xx
Thanks, nearlybel. I hope D will come back and read this.
I am very honored to be among those who helped you out of hell. xx
Thank you for your words. Had a bad day in court. With elections just over my husband is now sheriff – wants daughter there are swearing in – she doesn’t. Judge mandated it. I am so mixed up and feel like a failure as a mom. It seems like I have no control & he has it all. All those who have control of my divorce have “power” & see him as wonderful. I feel that I am constantly loosing. I hurt so bad – I don’t want him, but yet I want my married life, I want to feel loved, even though he never did (I am seeing). I am just so scared, hurt, angry. I feel betrayed by the man I loved all these years. I feel like garbage. I just want to feel loved, valued – is that wrong? It seems like the world says it is ok for a man to leave his family, and still be wonderful. It is ok for him to achieve what he wants because “the family” apparently wasn’t enough or good enough for him. I feel like I didn’t satisfy him. I feel stuck – how to move past. I wish the divorce would be over with soon, but it doesn’t look that way.
“I just want to feel loved, valued – is that wrong?” Of course not.
Many people have been in a similar situation during and after a divorce. Find information and support regarding that topic. You can start here:
http://onemomsbattle.com/
Divorcing a Narcissist – One Mom’s Battle http://www.amazon.com/Divorcing-Narcissist-One-Moms-Battle/dp/0615720552
Speaking about psychopaths what about the Koch brothers?
They are the quintessential puppet masters.
Here’s a documentary about them (I haven’t seen it yet): Koch Brothers EXPOSED: 2014
Maybe psychopaths and narcissistically disturbed people aren’t quite the same, but I do believe there are some cross-overs. And I know definitely, since I had to live with her alone for so many years, that my narcissistically disturbed mother is one of the unhappiest persons I have ever met. Always trying to keep the things – and people – she needs in control, anything but the one thing she can and ought to have in control: herself.
You are right saying that any kind of compassion or desire to help them is a pure waste of time and only opens the door to more abuse. These people don’t know happiness, only a moment of brief satisfaction when they’ve reached one of their sickly aims again. You can have compassion with them as much as you want, if necessary, but for God’s sake don’t show them! Save what you can save – yourself.
I also agree with you when you say that these people can’t change. If they could but didn’t want to, then at least occasionally one would have to hear about one of them who saw his errors, turned around and changed. My only experience is that they become worse and worse. Therefore, I would say that for a person like that to change her ways is more unique than rare.
Thank you for another very interesting blog entry. :-)
There are a lot of cross-overs, and they have the same detrimental effect on the people who become close to them. You’re right when you say they only know satisfaction and not happiness, and unfortunately how they get their satisfaction is to abuse us. “Save what you can save–yourself.” Well said, Amy.
I’ll reply here, yeah that article is utter BS.. I get the impression that whoever wrote it does not even comprehend human words, their actual meaning.
They do actually experience some of the things described, but in a completely different, sometimes opposite, and lot more shallow way than we do. He is using human words to describe psychopath “experiences”. The most extreme example may be his usage of the word “love”. And most such human words have no psychopath equivalent since we have several times as many kinds of emotions.
So yeah the article is mostly just the typical word salad where a psychopath writes down a TON of emotionally charged human words in the correct order, making statement that are half true and half lies. It’s all one big pity play with pity stories at the end to create a lasting impression. Of course psychopaths want our compassion, their No.1 weapon is using our pity and compassion felt for them against us.
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And Dr. Kent Kiehl seems to forget that the most of the world is run by sociopaths and psychopaths right now (including the great phrmaceutical companies), that’s why there is no money given for such research. They don’t want to be exposed and how they enslave/exploit the world. There is a ton of money given however for false research like creating the nonsense category of ASPD, popularization of psychopaths in the media etc. it’s possible that Martens’s article was funded too.
Yes, isn’t it “funny” how psychopathy was removed from the DSM, how it doesn’t get funding, and how so many people–including mental health professionals–deny it even exists, even though it’s the longest- and most deeply-studied mental disorder? It’s just the way psychopaths want it, for a reason. Psychopaths are still a well-kept secret, which is pretty unbelievable to me given the impact they have on every level, from global to interpersonal. It seems to me that this small minority created a world that lives by their rules, and doesn’t even realize it. One of the professions with the highest percentage of psychopaths is the media, and that comes as no surprise.
What’s the answer???
I don’t know.. my world view is very gloomy.. sociopaths and psychopaths are worshipped and elected as leaders all over the world again and again by the so-called “normal” people.. I think that the majority just prefers it this way.
I don’t know the answer, either. It feels overwhelming, and I feel gloomy about it, too. I do what I can to raise awareness in spite of that, but it’s barely a drop in the bucket compared to what’s needed. The most I can do is to help others after the fact (who, like myself, didn’t know about any of this until it was too late). It would be a lot better to prevent it in the first place, but thanks to all the denial and the repression of facts, it sounds like far-fetched craziness to those who haven’t experienced it firsthand. Even though they do experience it in many ways in their own lives, living under psychopathic politicians, etc. I can’t explain it.
Raising awareness is I think the best thing one can do. Maybe some time in the future – after a cataclism or after inventing some awesome new technology – there will be enough awareness to make a breakthrough. At least this way there is a chance for it.
It’s possible, and I believe it will happen eventually.