Do psychopaths have a gender?
After my involvement with the psychopath, I got the strange feeling that he didn’t really have a gender. When I learned that psychopaths have no identity — they only create one as needed — it started to make perfect sense. If they have no identity, it only seems logical that they wouldn’t have a gender identity either, doesn’t it? It didn’t seem to be an idea out of left field.
The psychopath in my life told me about many of his sexual exploits that supposedly happened ‘a long time ago,’ and he said that he’d had sex with men as well as women. I asked him if he was bisexual, and he said he was not. He said it would be hard to explain. It turns out he was right about that.
This idea of him being genderless persisted and seemed worthy of further inquiry. I went looking for scholarly works that might validate my theory. In my quest, I plumbed the depths of the web for things like ‘psychopaths and gender,’ but I came up empty handed.
Psychopaths definitely have a biological sex, according to their anatomy. But gender is psychological; it’s the social-sexual role a person self-identifies with. But the one kind of person who will surely not identify in a fixed way with anything about themselves is the psychopath. So why would they identify with a gender?
I suspected that they present themselves to the world as heterosexual, gay, lesbian, bisexual or transsexual, but underneath the facade they’ve chosen, they are truly genderless. So I set out once again to validate my suspicions, and this time, I found it. I only needed to look in a different place. Just as we talk and share information online, so do psychopaths. What better place to possibly find an answer than on their own websites?
In their own words, psychopaths say the following about their gender:
“Personally, I am gender fluid and identify neutral.”
“I don’t see gender as being anything more than a biological difference. Much like the idea of morality, it is a social construct. What that means for me is the necessity to choose which side of the fence puts my talents to light to the best advantage…”
“Any research you found (on psychopaths and gender) would be skewed by the fact that the most oft interviewed psychopaths are criminals, and since society generally associates femininity with weakness, the intelligent male psychopath would naturally choose to portray a manly if not completely chauvinistic personality. The only honest psychopath is an anonymous psychopath…”
“Psychopaths of both genders tends to represent the gender they were born with because it is easier, and most people respond to that, rather than the sexuality of minorities.”
“I don’t think that psychopaths struggle with their sexual identity at all. On the contrary, they seem to find it easy to play on both the feminine and the masculine sides in themselves.”
“I’m trying to find something about it (gender and psychopaths) from research sources but there doesn’t seem to be much to find so far. Maybe I’ve just been looking the wrong places, otherwise it would seem that we’re on a wild goose chase.”
“I haven’t talked to anyone who falls under the psychopath spectrum that feels very feminine or masculine, when questioned. Most of the women seem very aggressive, and the males “sound” roughly the same, in how the present themselves…It just seems suspect to me that most of us don’t feel very attached to one end or the other on the gender spectrum.”
“Like others I’ve read about, I never took that diagnosis seriously… But so much has become clear to me, which before used to be a great mystery…One of those things is our tendency to not have an inherent sense of gender!”
“It’s completely unimportant. Sexuality wise, I could go either way. I chose to portray myself in my real life as a homosexual for various reasons. I think what makes it impossible to delineate between how psychopaths view gender is our habit of being perpetually dishonest and chameleon-like. Were I a missionary I’d be the image of demure femininity and were I in prison I would be as masculine as any testosterone-stuffed man.”
“I have noticed that once we shed what has been called our ‘Mask’, the gender differences become less obvious.”
“I’ve never felt attached to a gender role before. I consider my personality and attraction fairly androgynous.”
♣ This probably comes as no surprise to many of you who’ve had the same hunch about the psychopath you were involved with.
Thank you for reading. Comments are closed.
“Such a great gem. One of my favorite books about this subject as the author paints such a clear picture of what these relationships are like.”
“Practical, concise, well-written and researched. Everyone should have a copy of this book. In fact, they should give one to every high school student. That would prevent a lot of people from getting involved in ‘?relationships’? with these hidden, manipulative predators. An easy five stars, I wish I could give it a hundred!”
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The psychopath I knew was extremely masculine visually and in many mannerisms. But, he decorated his house in a very feminine manner, it reminded me of a 1950’s “grandma’s house” where you would go for milk and cookies……..dollies, lace curtains,” home is where the heart is” needlepoint etc. But there would be a stack of playboy magazines in the room also.
The garage was full of tough guy stuff, but the bathroom looked like an 1800’s woman’s boudoir. He had a very feminine old fashioned system of regular house cleaning also. It was like grandma was trapped in a big burly tattooed biker guys body. Very strange, so yes your article makes sense to me.
“It was like grandma was trapped in a big burly tattooed biker guys body.” Yes! Mine too, in many ways. Thanks for your comment!
Yes, I was like who are you, what are you? Does not compute!
Hi .
I have been thinking the worst for two years . Requested had been made of me to do things that were not normal for a healthy heterosexual relationship . I had also found items in his bedroom draw which asked the same question in my head .
One day we were talking about Bangkok and he said he had been and the locals were very accommodating . I sat in disbelief as he confirmed my suspicions .
I believe it is part of the thrill , the need to be ” on the moment ” , is his expression and it doesnt matter who with , sadly he would be willing with anyone available , if the mood took him . It is so very sad because ” nothing has any depth of feeling or responsibility or loyalty.
I think you are very right in your question of gender . He has both ….
Thank you for all your work and kindness
Yes, they’re ‘in the moment’ with whomever is in it with them.
You’re welcome, and thank you for your kind words.
Please visit the posted website for additional information about what you have experienced. You are not alone.
Hi, Wende. That website looks like a good resource for people who find out their spouse isn’t straight, but the problem isn’t that psychopaths aren’t “straight” — the problem is that they’re psychopaths. Their lack of a gender — and lack of a gender preference when it comes to having sex — is only a trait they have. They aren’t straight, but they aren’t gay or lesbian or anything else, either, so advice meant for people who find out their spouse isn’t straight isn’t the kind of information that’ll help. Thank you anyway.
So mind bogglingly true… Discovering one has a husband who is gay, though not a sociopath, has it’s own compelxities and trauma. Indeed a sociopath uses the gender they were born in to “present”” and yes they could be more predominantly gay and chose to cover that for many reasons – some similar to why normal and healthy gay people might prefer to present straight…. However – INDEED, the gay element is not the identifiable or relevant problem if you’ re married to or involved with someone you’ve discovered is a sociopath! The sociopath situation trumps all. Info about being married to a gay man won’t help a bit. — For a while I thought I’d discovered the monster who hijacked me had a condition called “sexual anorexia” or “intimacy anorexia” in which sexual intimacy is withheld from the partner. All this tangent in thinking did was give him the benefit of the doubt and buy him more time to ruin me behind my back financially.
Exactly! It’s a completely different issue than finding out your spouse is gay.
It’s crazy making for sure… the one I married sent off alarm bells because he would NOT have sex with me. He had frequently made comments about men being interested in him sexually and his disgust at homosexuality. Then I suspected he was sleeping with about 5 other women. Eventually after I sent him out of my life I spoke with some of the women. On asked if he was gay. One said he favored anal sex. They simply wear the mask they need to get the goods they want and a place to sleep and call “home.”
Admin
You helped ME greatly in July this year when I was at my lowest . I have refused to see him and I do not text or call him now . He went off to Nexico with another women , but after 49 days reappeared and bombarded me with texts again , and they continue . I read them , I delete them , I re read your books and get my head kept straight ! Thank you
So very glad I’ve helped you! Keep deleting, and keep reading. Sometimes I wonder if I’m too straight-forward in telling it like it is, but responses like yours tell me otherwise. Thank you for letting me know.
YOU ARE BRILLIANT, WHAT A RESEARCH !!!
I LUV IT. I ALWAYS LEARN A LOT FROM YOUR EMAILS
MY MOST DANGEROUS P USED TO LOOK AT MULTI-GENDER ASIAN X RATED ENTERTAINMENT PROVIDERS PICS.ON THE INTERNET. YOUR EMAIL NOW EXPLAINS WHY HE WAS DOING THAT.
THANK YOU !
You’re welcome, Janes! Good to know it’s valuable to you.
WE LOVE & READ YOUR FINDINGS BECAUSE THEY TELL AS IS
I’m appreciative of those out there who are willing to speak honestly about themselves. It adds immensely to our understanding, and to what I’m able to present here to others.
Hi Admin, right before discovering the truth, I had asked my psychopath if he was gay. Because while he rocked in bed; something was always missing and he didn’t like to be touched. It was like sex caused him physical pain. In fact, I convinced myself it did so I researched that topic on the web and I was certain that was what ailed the poor guy along with being abused as a child. Oh did I feel sympathy towards him, which made me more fond of him. And yet he was bouncing off the walls with glee because of my incorrect diagnosis. I still remember the oddity of his behavior. Anyway, another great article. (By the way, 7 months and counting with a normal person LOL!) take care.
7 months and counting, wonderful! I still haven’t found one who can make it past the 5th date. Not because of psychopathy, but other more run-of-the-mill things. I am not discouraged, though.
My psychopath is an Italian stud, tall, handsome super masculine, you can see he has lots of testoterone, deep voice. sexily rugged. We broke up because I discovered he has sex with shemale escorts on a weekly basis.
I think the truth always comes out at some point.
Psychopaths generally have lots of testosterone, but it’s not an indicator of their gender or their preferences, or lack thereof.
My outwardly overtly masculine, testosterone filled (or so it seemed) male psychopath threw me completely with his habit of frequenting gay clubs and bars. He claimed to find gay men interesting on a conversational level but nothing more. Something did not quite ring true. My initial concerns were that all of his “friends” were in some way vulnerable (including myself as it turned out). He knew he was attractive to women and gay men and loved the adoration and milked it for all it was worth. He was a fan of Thailand and spent a great deal of time there doing who knows what? The good news is that 3 years on I realize that we are the ones in the good place and the psychopaths simply do not win the long game. X
Hmmmm…he found gay men interesting on a conversational level…
Mine once told me he had to ‘pretend’ to watch a football game with some old friends to “make it look good.” I can’t stand sports myself, so I thought maybe they’re all pretending! LOL It seems we can rationalize just about anything.
No, they don’t win the long game. All they care about is right now…but it’s always right now.
I get amazed when I read other victims stories and recognise common themes . At first my Psycho was cuddly and caring but this soon changed to very selfish sex and if I tried to hold him and be affectionate he wound slap my arms away . I think this was the first time I realised there was something g very wrong . I was never to experience loving sex again and just became worse and worse and more violent .
When I asked why he had has changed so very much he said ” I am as I have always been ” .
Keep reading everyone , the chapters over and over and no contact is the only way to become normal again and be happy again
All the best
Jenny, your PS must have been following the same instruction manual as mine! Thinking back, in the idealisation stage mine was very passionate, but did change to being selfish with sexual satisfaction later. I had to ask him to please me. I was not always comfortable with asking that, so often my needs were not met. Sometimes, I secretly cried myself to sleep. I thought it was my problem, but looking back, it was him controlling me with his selfishness.
Mine told me that I would eventually BEG HIM for sex and that the day would come when I would love him much
more then he loved me. What woman whats to hear these things?
I know we are getting a bit off topic, but my PS instigated a few all night marathons in the bedroom during the idealisation stage. He then changed to ” you only want me for sex” and withheld it. He even made comments to friends and random strangers that “she kept me up all night”. He was all about ego and control.
It’s unreal the extent the cruel go to. My ex told me ” I am a very sexual person “. It only got worse. .devaluing to hear ” how he had so much to offer ” and “what a great catch he was” . Wanted to watch me with another man… thank God its over.
I wish you all the best as you move forward, Paige!
COMPLETELY. the monster I married was sweet, so loving, he ha d away of touching even my hand that was so deep. Very soon though he didn’t seem to really want to be intimate. He didn’t like me to touch hem on the back or shoulder or hand out in public, as naturally, couples do. He said he’d been abused and hit as a kid and he couldn’t handle the sudden touch. I guess I believed him, but I didn’t quite believe it. He then a few months later didn’t want sex at all, got mad at me for wanting to even sleep in the same bed with him! He said it interfered with his creative energy for his work. — Well then I found out about a condition called sexual anorexia, I thought he might have this, it fit his flimsy excuses and his child hood abuse and the fact that by now I was very suspicious of his sleeping with other women. Yes more than one. It was only a few months after this i asked him to leave. Soon after he left I contacted a bunch of the women – I needed evidence for an annulment. Certainly he was having sex. He was definitely using sex as a manipulation tool. One of the women asked if he was bisexual. I also recalled his own stories of gay men wanting to sleep with him – he feigned innocence and amazement that this could be the case at the time. Naturally as a sociopath this was all lies. I’m sure in myself he slept with anything and everything to get what he wanted.
Jennifer, I’m sorry your marriage turned out to be such a terrible disappointment, and that you have experienced such a betrayal. I wish you all the best.
Oh, Thank you. Actually I’ve turned it into one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. I thought marrying him was the best thing I’d ever done and 10 months later when I told him I wanted him to leave I determined it would still be the best thing that ever occurred in my life so far. — I write a blog for those who have experienced true love scam, or those just recognizing it to survive and thrive and of course, an associated Faceboook page, Twitter, Tumblr, Pinterest and have two book deals pending from it!
I’m glad you turned it around! Congratulations! I wish you great success with your book deals.
I don’t know about my P’s sexuality, but I can identify with some of the comments here. Mine was Italian, of Scilian decent and extremely macho in every way except touching. He didn’t like close physical contact other than sexual intercourse. If I hugged him or leant against him, he told me to stop because I was either hurting him (lol, I am 60kgs and he was 110kg) or it made him hot and sweaty. He was a pathetic kisser also.
But if I complained that I wanted more hugs or kisses, he would try and oblige, albeit just an attempt to keep me in his clutches. Sometimes if he managed an impromptu hug, he would say to me “happy now?” Like I was meant to feel grateful. Lol
But I can’t imagine him being with another man, at all.
You’re the second person to say that contact almost seemed painful to him. Mine, on the other hand, was the most incredibly affectionate man I’d ever met. And I can definitely imagine him with another man, even though he did not seem outwardly “gay.” In addition to the things he said about his history, there was just some vibe I got from him, that strange vibe that he didn’t have a fixed gender.
My ex psychopath was a porn addict, pedophile, cross dresser, and probably did other things that I was not aware of.
I eventually recognized that he had no gender. I understood this in context of the biblical explanation of evil. Demons are described as fallen Angels. The Bible describes angels as having no gender, Therefore demons have no gender.
I really don’t know what my ex psychopaths is, but the biblical explanation of evil and how Satan operates, and how he got that way, makes sense to me. This helped me frame my understanding of my experiences.
My P is a very “macho,” firefighter with big arms, tattoos, goatee, etc, yet I always thought he walked very feminine. He is well known for being a ladies man, and has a groupie following of women. Little do they know his other side. We rarely had sex without him being restrained. blindfolded, and “forced” to perform sexual acts with men. Even when it was just the two of us, he was still restrained. He also wanted to be humiliated. He was/is a very funny person, and that humor often revolves around teasing men sexually. Of course, they find it humorous coming from a well-known ladies man, and such a manly man! They have no idea he has ever been sexual with a man! I always found the whole thing bizarre…just his whole being was perplexing. This makes sense now. Thank you for the article!
Glad it helped! I can see a future article titled “Sexual Perversions of Psychopaths” — it would be quite popular!
It makes since too me now! During sex I noticed when my ex P would perform certain acts on me he would whisper ” If I were a female, I’d like that too”. It usually had to do with anal sex which I was not a fan of with him because he would get too rough. I honestly believe that a lot of these people go both ways but some will cover it up at all costs. I think that having a desire for men was one of the things that my ex hated about himself. He’s a manly man & was ALWAYS going overboard with talks of fights & bar room brawls that he’d be in. Especially if one of his friends were around to validate his story. Thank you so much for being here for us. It’s been a year since my ex threw me away & im still muddling through the aftermath. Ya know? It’s kinda like this…when a loved one is on life support nobody wants to pull the plug out of fear that the person would wake up/live. I think we hold on to our Narcs Ps because we’re afraid as soon as we let go, the person we originally met will come back. Make sense?
I’m so glad I can be here and that it helps. Thank you for saying so.
Yes, your life support analogy makes perfect sense.
My P and I seemed to switch traditional gender roles. He is the perfect reflection of his mother. Everything had to be done in the manner she taught him. In addition, he revealed to me his attraction to, and porn collection of, shemales.
dear admin,
this post of yours is like i could have writen this with my own hands exactly…. goodness!! the similarities are striking , really…. i hope you dont think that i am a joke every time i tell you how similar my experience with the P of my case is.
i always had the feeling that he was too feminine in a sense that i could not specifically define. He certainly was not the macho guy but not the gey type also, it was confusing. I always got the feeling intuitively that he had sexual encounters with other men and i asked a lot of times. He never admitted it but i knew that i was right, i could feel it. Once he told me that often gey men tried to flirt him but he did not responded becouse he did not like it. I never believed him.
A lot of times i was telling to him humorosly that he does not look very musculine and he said “yes , i know”.
i completely agree with you that they are genterless due to lack of any true identity. It makes perfect sense to me , they are jelly -like in all aspects of their fake persona , so why gender should be an exclusion?
LOVE
Reality
Now I see how it is…it won’t be long until the devaluation stage begins. I’ve got my eye on you ;-)
They are jelly-like, and within all that jelly they are completely neutral about everything. If they were actually jelly, they would be a clear, colorless, flavorless jelly. Nothing you would ever want on a peanut butter sandwich!
Another peculiar thing – he insisted that his shoe size was smaller than it really was. A number of times he bought himself shoes that he would squeeze his feet into, and wear only once because they hurt.
How very strange…
Mine wore the same pair of shoes all the time, and he would say “I have the ugliest shoes in town, and I don’t care!”
and something else dear admin, the p i had encountered seemed always a little uncomfortable when we discussed aspects about pedofils had we watched in the news. it was like he was a mixture of apprehension and surprise his reactions that these people were considered criminals. once he dared to tel me that “okay, the majority of them just touch the children, they dont hurt them. ” You dont want me to describe to you my reaction after this comment, i supposed thst all the block must have heard me.
keep up the good work, thank you for all your magnificent and enlifhting post.
P.S sometimes i wonder if some of these p are cousins, so striking the similarities are, but pathology is always pathology. ..thats why i suppose.
lots of love to everybody in this blog
Reality
That is mind-boggling. The whole block would have heard me, too.
The similarities are striking…another reader said it seems they’re all made from the same mold, in the same factory.
I will try to keep up the good work. I can’t promise it will be ‘magnificent and enlightening’ or even close, but it’ll be something.
Very interesting article. My ex huband loved to dress up in women’s underwear and dresses in sex. Although is was a hompatic guy and a builder and macho. I hated it.My son was gay and he hated that fact. He had been in prison and I am sure he was being in a weird relationshp with a guy.He left me on my Birthday 2 years ago. Very kicky – I am sure he could have sex with anybody. He loved dressing up in my underwear and dresses. Vile person. Loved himself. I felt like a tool for him getting off on himself.
Nothing worse than feeling like a tool during sex, especially when you go along with whatever it is to make them happy. I can’t imagine a bigger turn-off than a man dressed in women’s clothes. I have nothing against it, but it’s far from a turn on.
“Kicky” — I like that word. I think it could catch on.
Very interesting article. I have seen the psychopath take on both feminine and masculine qualities. The one who I fell in love with is extremely sexual, and became so after the grooming and disdain stages. There was a period of time, before the grooming, when he was trying to find a way in… that he seemed feminine. His movements were subservient, watchful, pleasing, and he moved his body in a feminine way… almost seeming shy. He stood in the background biding his time. Once he felt he had gained power over me, that changed 180 degrees. I recently saw a video of him with a woman who is quite masculine. His every movement was feminine, and I was struck by how he changes his entire way of being to suit the person he is trying to win over. It was very strange but now, after reading your article, it makes sense. Thank you. This is very difficult for most people to grok and appreciate this site.
It is very interesting! Thank you for sharing your story!
Hi, I enjoy this blog, having had some encounters with narcissistic and sociopathic personalities.
But I have to ask, you’re not equating any rejection of gender binary with psychopaths? I do know people who identify as trans or pangendered or genderfluid, who are goodhearted and empathetic people. I’ve known some guys with sociopathic qualities that will give lip service to stuff about equality, feminism, LGBTQ rights or what have you, yet turn around and behave in very domineering, aggressive, what would be considered traditionally “masculine” ways. Yes, I knew a male sociopath who was fond of wearing eyeliner. I’ve also known many men who were not psychopathic in any way who liked to as well. I do mostly travel in underground art/music circles though, where there’s a lot more openmindedness about these things. And I’ve definitely also seen some people affect a less gender-rigid persona to seem hip or progressive, as a way of gaining people’s trust and getting what they want out of them.
I am absolutely NOT equating rejection of gender binary with psychopathy. Goodhearted people come in all genders of the rainbow. I hadn’t realized the article might be seen from that angle. I will add an edit to make that clear. Thanks for your comment.
OK, thank you for clearing that up!
Happy to. Thanks.
Hi admin. Brilliant research work. I have doubt.
At start u mentioned “R U BI, I HAD NO IDEA” in that case he r she will srxual relationship with both gender. Hw they react to them. If she was a girl na FM, FF Hw she was react. On that time she was aggressive ?? R mentally she act very soft to me.
All these questions fr my research work. Will u help me out. ???
I’m not able to decipher your comment. I’m glad you liked the post, thank you!
I am so glad I found this post. My ex psychopath was very secretive about the men he had sex with. One of the reasons I left him was because I discovered he was having sex with many men! I found email trails that indicated he posted ads for sex on crags list and then he’d hook-up with one, or a few men after work, before coming home. I also uncovered that there was a man he had been stringing along for a few years. He liked Tranny’s too. I think gender didn’t really matter, he would have sex with anything. Of course, his deviance threatened my health, so I had to leave. I also uncovered weird paraphernalia like surgical needles and enemas. There’s no telling how dark and seedy his appetite was.
I find it so interesting how a psychopath can carry on like this without a trace of guilt. The fact that they can really emphasizes how emotionally barren they are. For a psychopath, Sex is about control and domination and is as emotionally meaningful as using the bathroom.
Male, female, trans — any gender goes for a psychopath. Interesting, too, is to note how psychopathic child molesters differ from pedophiles. While pedophiles have a strong preference for children of a particular age and sex, psychopathic molesters will molest children of any age or sex; whomever is convenient is prey.
From what you’ve said here and in other posts, there is no telling how deep and dark his deviance truly is. Isn’t it amazing that someone can be so very different than they appear, that the person you (thought) you knew and loved was actually someone else, someone you wouldn’t even want to know?
Admin – Exactly! I think his duplicity is what caused my healing to be so excruciating long and painful. For a long long time when sweet memories surfaced, I would have to force my brain into remembering the truth. I even needed to research the specific deviant fetishes (paraphilia’s) he enjoyed, so I could wrap my brain around what he truly is. Sometimes it’s still difficult because the things he does and thinks about are so extreme for me to understand. His is a sick world.
One of the reasons I believe he seeks revenge and occasionally reaches out to take a “temperature” reading of how I feel about him is because I know his secrets. If his present gf, family and friends only knew what he was capable of, his image would be ruined. I think he’s a little paranoid that one day I will expose him. I never would, but this and many of your posts emphasize the need for awareness. I believe psychopaths threaten public safety. Thank you for your incredibly well written and insightful posts. I just reread the post about the psychopaths “purification process!” – such great information. xox
That’s what makes it so excruciating, and perplexing — the extreme betrayal of their duplicity.
He’s a little paranoid? I’d say he is VERY paranoid that you’ll expose him. Dee, from what you’ve told me, I’d be afraid. Do you carry? Honestly, if I were you, my main concerns would be conveying the message that I’m not a threat (not overtly, but through your actions), and taking steps to ensure my safety. Home alarm, keen awareness of surroundings, secure locks, and self-defense training that includes firearms. It might be more than you need, but more is better than less.
If someone is a danger to others, in the sense of showing signs of the potential to inflict death or grave bodily harm, and we have evidence, then we need to expose them. If that’s not the case, then we just need to protect ourselves. If you have no evidence, there is still your knowledge about him to use for your own safety. I’d say he’s a potentially serious threat. This is something to give serious thought to.
I believe I am safe, so long as I stay quiet and appear to have happily moved on. If I ever rattled the cage ( spoke to his friends and family or warned his gf) and he became aware, then I would be in danger. In this situation, I have decided to mind my own business, stay away from his family and fronds ( even though they continue to reach out to me) and just back away slowly, so I don’t appear to be a threat. I just hope eventually he forgets about me as if I never existed at all.
I think that’s very wise, Dee. You know your situation better than I do, so if you feel that’s enough and other measures aren’t necessary, then trust yourself on that. But please be careful anyway!
Dee, I have made it my mission to expose him. I want everyone to know who he really is… so far, not many believe me except those that don’t know him. As others, he had no gender, preferring girlie colours and styles in clothes. Pink shirt, white shirt with little motifs on the collar, etc.. Occasionally, he painted his nails pink!!!! He LOVES blood. I was having my blood taken at the lab and he barged in, sat opposite, and stared as the blood was being drawn! I also found a “trophy” in a plastic bag (it stunk!) which he used to masturbate on! He is filth! He stole my innocence and I don’t know what to do to heal!! I changed so much physically.. it is true when you hear the saying “it opened my eyes”… well, my eyes have no longer the innocence they had. They are wide open.. I look like I am staring!!! I hate him and loath him for doing this to me. I have made sure that people who know him, know what he did to me. He is so persuasive, he can make anyone believe him. I could see through him but what kept me there? I DON’T KNOW!!
I will never forget or forgive him.. Every man I meet, is a psychopath to me!! He still stalks me. I have an intervention order against him. He was recently told to leave the Gym and they cancelled his membership.. I don’t feel safe but I am willing to die so he gets caught!! To think that there are many more out there like him!!! God help us!
Anna, you’re very distraught (for good reason), and that’s never a good time to do something that has such potentially dire consequences.
Exposing him may seem like the right thing to do when you’re fueled by anger and a desire for revenge, and it might still feel like the right thing to do when you no longer feel that way. I just don’t want you to put yourself in jeopardy.
Also, it’s a vicious circle — your anger fuels your mission to expose him, which fuels your anger. And that works to keep you attached to him, even if you don’t want that. It keeps him at the center of your life, as your mission, at a time when you need to be the center of your life.
Thank
you Admin for your comment. The last paragraph gives me
much to think about.
Thanks again.
I don’t know how you do it remaining calm and sensible. I can’t!
I also had a time when I was anything BUT calm and sensible, and I remember my state of mind very well. I’m glad you’ll consider what I said. If there’s one time in your life when you really need to be self-centered, it’s now. Before you do anything, ask yourself if it’s in your best interest. Ask yourself if it will bring you more stress and anxiety. You’re in a state of acute trauma, and that’s serious and it requires your care and attention. The way I see it is that you’re not in any shape to save the world right now; you have to save yourself.
Bullseye! the one I know is not a woman, or man. Now, he mocks a male role, but..everything is mocked, except his rage. The one I know, is an IT. Nothing, or nobody, was off limits to him. His own sisters, a dog, children..old women, it didn’t matter to him. If he could somehow engage in a sexual act, the who, what, when…didn’t never matter to him. Nor did the willing, or the unwilling..knowing or the unknowing. This is someone, whose got no cut-off no limits.
I found out, that as a child, when he was younger, they moved alot, because of his behavior. he done things to other kids, they would move intead of doing something about his behavior.it was always denied, still is to this day. it has been like 3-4 kids claiming he molested them, in his mothers home. Always in his moms home, she is his safety, his…supporter. She has always been able to somehow get him out of that trouble. She lies for him, that simple. These are her own grandkids! the whole family, supports him, except for the in-laws, that don’t. it’s his blood kin, that’s got his back, that allow this to continue to happen. It’s been numerous accusations against him in that home, all dismissed!! These, well..he’s not a person..he’s an evil spirit, whose claiming to be a man, straight man. He’s whatever he’s mocking, at that moment, whatever..he wants to be. Whatever he has to be, to have a sexual need, want met, that’s what IT is.
It’s hard to believe his mother and family would be able to protect him since he’s committed so many offenses. They’re all guilty. I hope someone or something will stop him very soon, before someone or something else gets hurt.
I came across the link for this article in a private chatroom for those who are either psychopaths or sociopaths. This greatly interests me as I am a sociopath and I am also genderfluid. I transitioned as many transgender people do and now live opposite to the sex I was assigned at birth but it still does not fit. I just wanted to take this chance to put in my two cents that not all socio/psychos are malignant and that not all gender variant people are psycho/socio. In the community of gender variance I see a higher average degree of the so-called positive aspects of humanity.
I am open to accepting questions and possibly giving answers as well. My primary motive in life is not sadism (as media portrayals of sociopathic people would suggest) it is personal gain mostly in the form information.
Starlite, I never meant to imply that all gender-variant people are sociopaths or psychopaths. I hope no one is taking that away after reading this article.
I’m sorry to hear that your transition still doesn’t seem to fit. I know it’s a long, difficult (and expensive) process. I hope you’ll become more comfortable as time goes on.
I totally agree. This is a hard one to accept. It was bizarre enough to realize that the man I had just married was not who I thought he was, but a monster. I found out pretty quickly (10 months) and had the great fortune to break emotionally completely at the end of a series of 3 days of uncovering shocking and horrific things he had done behind my back and in discovering and speaking with a “girlfriend” and another wife and worse.
My nature is to study things, so I did. I reaserched what he was before he even left our shared (my) home. (Took him 10 horror filled days to leave after I asked him to go.) — DUring the time I found witnesses for my annulment among his flock of women I heard many interesting things. One woman asked me if he was bi-sexual. One female, who thought sh ewas his finace, while I was married to him, said, “We’d get really drunk and he’d F*k me in the A*s every night.” One asked me if he was an alcoholic. One was a guy… There’s wasn’t a sexual relationship – I believe that – but, aside form that or regardless the part that matters is: the guy had the same emotional response, had been taken on the exact same ride as the women, meaning the sociopath-monster I was (no longer) married to knew how to twist everyone and anyone regradless of their gender and the same tactics were used: winning trust; charm; fun; the sob story; then taking some in view, some behind our back; begin insulting, the confusion; the revealing who they are with flamboyant statements but we don’t believe them; the dissapointment when their attention wanes; wanting to please them; the fear, the doubt… The guy even said to me, “This is gonna sound strange, but I’m more twisted over this than I’ve ever been over a female.” This was a huge light bulb to me that everything and anything is fluid with sociopaths.
I had seen him do what I can only call: shapeshift. – Right in front of me at least 3 times. Going from a man about to go out hunting for more prey, to a sweet loving husband – like the guy I met – in order to tell me some things for 6 hours, rather than go out, to head me off the scent of his hideous malevolent destruction – a part of his history he knew I was about to discover. — All this to say that so many people had seen different angles to him… Which view was real? I’d say any of them. All of them. Carrying this through, all the way – yes, an anti-social psychopath crosses gender, is essentially gender-flexible. They have no specific gender, but where the costume and mimic the attributes and attitudes that suit there needs. Monsters.
I’m sorry to hear about your ordeal, Jennifer. Good question — which view is real? None of them. They’re all made up, and exist only to get them what they want. There’s no one home. It’s all just window dressing. Psychopaths are equal-opportunity predators who shape-shift into the entity that looks least like a predator to their prey. I’m glad you found out the truth pretty quickly and got away from him. Best wishes to you.
I remember when it all started; i was 17, i was very sexualy active. I was in highschool, and i had begun playing a role of a very feminine person; by then, i had a few sexual partners, of whom which were men. I could recall having very much nutral affection for them, i find them sexy and all; nevertheless i find women cast in the same light, it was as though i was inbetween the spectrum, which ever way my head turs, my feet would follow. I hadn’t an emotional attachment to neither sexes. I can feel what i need to feel, with whom i need to feel it with, at what ever the price i was out chasing after. I can be completly alone, and i would not feel a need for either, for years i could go without. However, when it’s of use, i will bring that person, the character i play, to life- gay or straight. There was a time i considerd becoming a transgender, specifically so i could f**k men, and try out the role of a gay man. I exist in the way i have to, for the reasons that surve my needs at the time, the feelings i pull are music to my lyrics. I can be who ever you want me to be; i can be a dream or a nightmare, but i don’t exist, there is nothing there, i am your delusion.
Thanks for sharing your experience, Black Rose.
A couple of comments on your last sentence:
“I can be who ever you want me to be” Actually, you can only pretend to be that person. But even that doesn’t go too well, does it?
You’re not our “delusion,” our “dream” or our “nightmare.” You’re simply someone pretending to be someone else. Delusion, dream, nightmare — those words make it all sound so “hocus-pocus,” when it’s really just… hokey.
I would also agree with your findings. The “one” that was in my life had a very masculine appearance, is in federal law-enforcement, and is built like a sh*t Brickhouse. However he had a freakish feminine side, often made me wonder if he was simply gay and in the closet. As mentioned before, his decorating taste were, well, interesting, but also very feminine. He would do impressions of gay men/women dancing and was uncomfortably good at it. I did not go through a lot of what your followers did, but for once I listened to my gut instincts and said there is a dark side to this person that I don’t want to know. Mind you this was after reuniting with him after 25 years, the relationship failed when I was young, I was too young to realize what the problem was back then, but figured it out very quickly this time around. He is a master at acting “normal “.
I’m glad you got yourself away from him quickly, Traci!
Wow! What validation!! I was in a lesbian relationship w a psychopath/narcissist for four years. I am out thank God! She was always well groomed and every stitch of her clothes were ironed. There was always something missing. And your article/research helped me discover what it was. She kept saying how she always wanted a penis. All makes sense. Thank you!!!
I’m glad it helped you!
Hi Admin,
I am wondering if in your research you have discovered or read of these psychopathic traits being hereditary, for example, running in families, or learned behavior, or perhaps even demon/alien possession? As I am a first-time visitor to your excellent blog, please advise if these topics have already been addressed. There is a nauseating pit in my gut as I am becoming more informed. I am relieved (?) to know that other people are talking about this and that it has a name. My heart goes out to all who have suffered and expressed their most vulnerable aspects of themselves in this blog, and thank-you for this internet forum.
Hi Donna. Yes, these topics are covered on this blog. Here are a few links:
What is a Psychopath?
Do You Make This Simple (But Dangerous) Mistake About the Psychopathic Mind?
It’s definitely not “demon/alien possession.” The middle ages are long gone, as far as I knew, but it seems that some of that mindset persists. It won’t do you any favors at all to believe that:
Psychopaths are Not Supernatural Beings With Superpowers
Best of luck to you!
Thank-you. Mental illness will be dificult enough to navagate without adding in the supernatural.
I couldn’t agree more!
This is so fascinating. My psychopathic ex-husband presented himself as an ultra-macho man, however he was a macho man who was very into jewelry and traditional women’s accessories like bracelets, scarves, and hats, and was completely into traditional “female” grooming (he was practically hairless, loved cologne which he called “perfume”, used many hair products, and even makeup to cover any perceived facial imperfection). And though gender and sexuality are two different things, he seemed to only truly be excited by what would normally be homosexual sex acts, even admitting that he’d kissed and given/received blow jobs from men while claiming adamantly that he “wasn’t gay.” I think, in terms of both gender and sexuality, he conformed himself to whatever the person he needed something from was, though with me, his cis-gendered, straight woman wife, he let the other aspects show, which constantly left me wondering if he was gay or bi. So interesting and on point! Thanks for exploring this…it explains so much!
Thanks for your comment!
This seems like more of an opinion article, not a single scientific study in tandem to back up a word found on here. Unless you do? Do you have anything to back up this opinionated article? Just junk writing without it.
It seems you didn’t comprehend the article.There are no scientific studies on this topic, so I’ve put forth a plausible and intelligent theory. If it bothers you that I didn’t cite “a single scientific study in tandem” that doesn’t exist, then please go and read the scientific studies on the topic instead.
ABSOLUTELY. Blackc Rose is a sociopath admitedly, and like all sociopaths have the delluded belief they are all powerfull and actually – well – exist. They only have a breath of a bleak existence if we believe them. We don’t. They don’t. They are ridiculous.
Ha. Clearly you have not had an experience with a socioapth. (Or… well there is another possiblity.) — Let’s not forget science used to claim the earth was flat.
Currently asked the psychopath to move out and wondering if he is going to leave as I am sitting here in the McDonald’s parking lot. This “game” had been going on now for almost 2 years. I unmasked him slowly by doing tons of research. I also EXPOSED him to his face. I made him read articles and books to prove that he is a psycho. He wasn’t very happy and a few times he actually cried when realizing that his mother was a bitch also along with a very abusive father. Interestingly I found out early on that his grandfather spent 30 years at the insane asylum in NY called Willard. His grandfather’s brother was also an inmate there.this freak manipulated me and made me feel loved IN THE BEGINNING…. then the more I paid attention to him the more I saw how dysfunctional he was… I just kept exposing him and exposing him…. It made him nuts… Lol…. He is not physically violent towards me. He will get angry over silly things and he seems to always take things the wrong way… I am tired of it. He blames me for everything, he is never wrong and very very rarely does he apologize. When he does apologize it seems rehearsed, no real sincerity and he isn’t looking me in the eyes either… Like he is doing it because he knows he should but deep down inside he doesn’t have any remorse or empathy. He sure knows how to be a Grammy award winning actor… He is a bisexual and told me he had sex with his dog when he was younger…. I’m sure that didn’t stop either… Those things just don’t “go away” it’s a mental illness stemming from abuse and some genetic disposition but I believe the abuse and motherly neglect during the early years is the main cause…. He has no feelings except anger and lust. He is a very selfish self centered person but he tries to pretend that he is considerate. I’m totally burnt out and pray to God he moves out because I cannot.
I hope he moves out too, Jane, and that you will heal and go on to find a genuine and loving partner. Best wishes to you xx
Jane, yours sounds like my psychos twin! You may need to call the police to get him to move out.
When I finally decided to break up with my psycho we were on an overseas holiday in a hotel room. He wouldn’t stop verbally abusing me, so I told him to leave. He wouldn’t, so I called the police and they removed him. Abuse is just as damaging whether it’s physical or just verbal. Mine was scary when enraged even though he only touched me once. He would yell, glare at me, circle me and throw his arms around. I used that police police report along with other episodes of rage to apply for an intervention order. You need to get one to keep him away from you. Good luck.
I’m still not sure if my ex is a psychopath. He is either that or has Aspergers. We just broke up after a year. He was very sweet, kind and affectionate when we were together. At the same confusing time he was never interested in me as a person. He is extremely secretive and lied a lot about where he was spending time.
He’s Super good in bed, later revealing a porn and masterbation addiction. This last week too many secrets were revealed and I left. He did nothing to try to keep me. It’s like I never existed.
He had a collection of HUGE dildos and butt plugs, over 30, all very anatomically correct. He had admitted to a 5 year relationship with a transgender porn star. I accepted these things about him but the final deal breaker was catching him sexting an old lover, who is also a tranny, right in front of my face. He spoke often of attraction to men but insisted that he is not gay.
When I was upset over the texts, he told me that he will never invest in or love anyone. An entire year of sweetness and affection just came to a quick, crashing finale and now I can see that he never cared about me. He was using me to look straight and normal so he could have secret side lives. It’s still so shocking and unbelievable.
I am certain that he will have another girlfriend right away and I’m not sure if the right thing is to tell her about my experience or not?
I’m sorry to hear that, Allison. I know what a terrible thing it is when you realize you weren’t loved. That kind of betrayal can turn your world upside down.
As far as telling the new girlfriend, don’t do anything while you’re traumatized and not thinking clearly. In a perfect world, it’s the right thing to do; but in your particular situation, with this particular person, what might the consequences be, and can you handle them? Don’t even think about it right now. You’ve got enough to deal with.
I think the fact that he was “great in bed” probably rules out Asperger’s. A lot about them is similar—such as the ability to walk away and not look back, and a lack of empathy—but one area where they differ is sex. Partners of people with AS describe them as robotic, lacking passion, and even with a distaste for sex in general in some cases.
Best wishes to you xx
It amazes me how I keep coming across more and more things that draw attention to my ex and the way he was and the way our relationship evolved. I never once thought in a million years I’d see something drawing similarities between his gender fluid moments and the fact that he’s a psychopath. There is just so much for me to learn, clearly.
Outwardly he was very much a masculine guy. Tall, muscular, strong…and always talking about ‘being a man’ and what a ‘real man’ does. On the surface a real Texas cowboy.
But probe beneath the surface even slightly and he’d start immediately saying things that contradicted this. Stories about how as a child he actually enjoyed interacting with girls more than guys; playing house and playing with dolls, rather than playing sports. One moment abhorring all things homosexual (based on his comments) but then the next moment shockingly comfortable around other naked men. (He claimed this was because he’d been to prison and HAD to get used to it…but I didn’t really quite buy that…because there’s a difference between getting used to something and then forgetting it when it’s no longer necessary, and doing what he did, which included looking at other guy’s genitals and a serious fascination with threesomes and orgies involving other men.)
He also seemed to go out of his way to insist he wasn’t gay; that he loved sex with women. As Shakespeare’s line goes, I always felt he was protesting a bit too much on that one. All my straight male friends are just that: straight. They date women. They don’t go out of their way to verbally reassure everyone of how much they LOVE dating women or having sex with women.
He also sometimes experimented with little bits of cross dressing. He’d talk about things like wanting to wear skirts (I never saw him actually do it, but he’d talk about it often). And since I cut him off, I’ve spoken to a few younger men who’d been in his circle who he apparently tried to kiss while doing drugs on a few occasions.
His sexuality ALWAYS seemed like a strange, fluid thing to me. And he even started talking about being gender fluid; not identifying with a gender. He’d later try and say that was just his justification for our relationship not conforming to normal “gender roles” (since I was the provider)…but I think he ultimately meant it in the literal sense too. As I look back, he often verbally told me what he was…the hints just came in strange moments, and then he’d get the mask back on and I’d forget it happened because the statements were always so incredibly bizarre that they just weirded me out so I WANTED to forget.
It’s just crazy to read this article and find yet another common thread between him and other psychopaths.
These statements are bizarre; they don’t fit into the context, and because of that we dismiss them. And we want to forget we ever heard them, which makes them easier to ignore.
This comment was left by a reader named Jay, on the “Stories” page:
I just read your article about P being gender less – interesting. I’m gay. My P boyfriend “John” was extremely promiscuous, but always denied his encounters. Drug use was heavy (even though I was tolerate of it ), he felt the need to hide it from me and deny use. Also “John” ( I later found out ) after he moved in with me, had been married for a number of years and had a house with his wife. “John” too (as I have seen him) would hit on woman as well but he seemed to do so just to irritate me as it seemed to cause him pleasure. Also, “john” had told me that many times he would have sex with men in public bathroom while his wife waited for him. I was shocked at the type of person he was and how little I knew about him. His gay friends always seemed to shelter and protect him. “John” never appeared gay and often liked being around “beautiful” people. “John” was extremely charming and read and sized me up very quickly which I interpreted as someone ‘caring’ about me. Boy was I wrong.
“John” would use sex as a tool and I believe he used it on whoever for whatever he needed. He was very charming and convincing and anybody would believe anything he says. My first encounter of one was him. I’ve always been extremely trusting and almost naive and now have trouble trusting anyone who comes across as friendly and charming.
Thanks Adeleyn for your website. I learned so much more about myself and psychopaths.