Healing in the Aftermath

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Healing in the aftermath of the psychopathHealing in the Aftermath of the Psychopath

The illustration by Walter Crane is of Red Riding Hood being rescued from the Big Bad Wolf. I think it’s safe to say that for most of us, this isn’t going to happen. Once the “relationship” with the psychopath ends, we must rescue ourselves.

We may feel that we have to find our own road to healing because many in our lives (friends, family, therapists) don’t understand the devastation we’ve been through. Even we may not understand at first. We just know we’re devastated; we know something happened to us that was out of the ordinary, far beyond a relationship gone bad.

Since what we’re dealing with is not the end of a regular relationship, no advice about healing after a breakup will help. We were victimized by predators who only pretended to establish a romantic relationship so they could manipulate and abuse us. But because this looked like a romantic relationship from the outside, it’s hard for people to see beyond that. Even some victims don’t see the truth, and are left believing they lost the love of their lives through some fault of their own.

None of us was “on the lookout for someone as brutal as a psychopath to systematically dismantle” the way we see ourselves, as author Sandra L. Brown put it. We never expected the person who claimed to love us was really out to destroy our self-worth, self-validation and self-esteem through cruel and methodical emotional manipulation. But that’s the true, abbreviated story of what happened, all details aside. No wonder victims don’t get the support they need; this scenario simply isn’t comprehensible to a normal person.

What a victim needs is validation. Brown says “It is pathology websites, books and programs that help women heal when they find their validation in other stories, research, books, forums, and organizations designed to respond to pathological love relationships. The validation you are seeking comes from others who have been through it.” From the article, “Recovering Without Validation.”

At this point, please read about emotional rape. Knowing what happened and understanding it is vital to your healing. The Emotional Rape Syndrome – a book by Michael Fox, PhD., provides deep understanding and focuses on healing.

In the aftermath, victims describe being unable to trust, feeling extremely vulnerable, experiencing rage, having obsessive thoughts, lost self-esteem, fear, anxiety, the use of alcohol or drugs, physical illness, and irrational and extreme behavior such as total isolation and withdrawal or even suicidal thoughts or actions.

Help is necessary, and there is help and support for you out there, but you need to be determined to find it. Recovery is an active process that you need to take part in. In doing so, you demonstrate to yourself that you have faith that you will heal. In believing that you will recover and in knowing that you will find understanding and compassion if you look for it, you become your own source of help and support. In helping yourself, you will realize the psychopath never really damaged your faith in yourself, your hope for your life or your belief in your self-worth.

There is understanding and support in books and websites, in reading about and talking with women online who have been through the same trauma, and in an empathetic therapist or support group led by a professional (See sources of help in the sidebar in the “healing in the aftermath” section).

The Unexamined Victim: Women Who Love Psychopaths by Sandra L. Brown, M.A., is a helpful book that examines risk factors, relationship dynamics, aftermath symptoms and prevention. This book can help you understand what happened and how it happened, and offer ideas for recovery.

Challenges for the victim of a psychopath include:

  • Finding help and support;
  • Recovering from intense stress;
  • Recovering from harm to your psyche, heart and soul;
  • Dealing with challenges to your ability to trust others and yourself;
  • Experiencing cognitive dissonance, a key element that can stand in the way of healing, which I’ll talk about next; and
  • The fact that you’re not only dealing with recovery from serious trauma, you’re also dealing with the loss of the person you loved. This piece of the puzzle is often neglected or diminished because the psychopath only pretended to love, but it is another important key to healing. Remember, the psychopath established an intense relationship during the idealization phase; without that, the manipulation and abuse could never have happened. While it’s true the man you loved never really existed, your love for him was real, and that love deserves and needs your acknowledgement, approval and compassion before you can let it go. Read Feelings of loss and grief after the psychopath is gone

After the relationship is over, the victim may appear to be mentally ill to others due to the emotional manipulation and psychological torture she endured, according to Brown. She can be incorrectly diagnosed as paranoid, delusional, neurotic, or as having borderline personality disorder. In fact, she may have chronic stress disorder or PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), major depression, panic disorder or an anxiety disorder. It’s imperative to get yourself to a licensed counselor who is familiar with abusive relationships.

A powerful aid in your recovery may be to “reconcile with harm.” The concept is explained in detail this article by Nancy A. Stanlick, “Reconciling with Harm: An Alternative to Forgiveness and Revenge.” It’s a useful mindset for times when “…forgiveness, revenge, and traditional reconciliation may be impossible, inappropriate, or morally undesirable.”

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Resolving cognitive dissonance is vital to healing. Just understanding it can be a big help. Cognitive dissonance is a psychological defense mechanism commonly experienced during and after involvement with a psychopath. It’s a form of denial we experience when the truth about something is too painful to comprehend and doesn’t fit anywhere into our expectations about life.

In cognitive dissonance, we hold two conflicting beliefs at the same time. In our situation with the psychopath, those two beliefs are often as follows:

  1. The psychopath loves me
  2. The psychopath is deceiving me, lying to me, manipulating me, and harming me.

Cognitive dissonance starts in the devaluation stage, when the psychopath is no longer as interested in you as a victim and so isn’t making much of an effort to keep his mask on. His lies, manipulation and abuse start to come to the surface of your consciousness, but it’s too painful to take. You still long for the love of the idealization phase, so you go in and out of denial.

According to Claudia Moscovici of PsychopathyAwareness, “Cognitive dissonance happens in those cases where there’s an unbridgeable contradiction between a dire reality and an increasingly implausible fantasy which, once fully revealed, would be so painful to accept, that you’d rather cling to parts of the fantasy than confront that sad reality and move on.” Remember that the dichotomous psychopath is still making intermittent appearances as who he was in the beginning of the relationship.

Sandra Brown writes in “Women Who Love Psychopaths” that cognitive dissonance is extremely strong in a psychopath’s victim because we’ve actually had “two different RELATIONSHIPS with the good/bad dichotomous psychopath.” She goes on to say that “each one of these relationships has required a different belief system in order to remain in it. These belief systems begin to battle each other increasing the intrusive thoughts and the cognitive dissonance, each feeding each other.”

Brown describes the victim as being unable to stay on the same page about who he is, which creates a “ping-pong” effect in her mind where conflicting thoughts (he’s good/he’s bad) constantly pop up but never resolve anything. She is usually having behavioral inconsistencies too, such as saying she won’t see him but then seeing him anyway.

Brown says, “Since she was in a relationship with both Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, cognitive dissonance completely makes sense.” Yes, it sure does.

Cognitive dissonance begins to resolve when a victim finally accepts that she was involved in a pathological relationship with a very disordered person, and it can resolve completely when she finally really gets that the “good” psychopath was merely a fake persona.

Pursue healing as a goal. Find the people and the things that help you. If something doesn’t work, don’t give up — try something else. Give yourself time.

Psychology Today has series on healing after a pathological relationship, written by Brown. It’s called “Living the Gentle Life.” The series teaches “How to develop a life style that helps you heal emotionally, psychologically, spiritually and sexually.”

 

© 2012 – 2014 ‘Psychopaths and Love’ All Rights Reserved

 

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50 Comments

  1. anthony 1 year ago

    I have no words but thank you so very much!

    • Author
      Admin 1 year ago

      You’re welcome. Good luck to you.

  2. Zhaoliang Liu 1 year ago

    I wish I could have read this half year ago.. Thanks a million.

    • Author
      Admin 1 year ago

      Better late than never, right? You’re welcome.

  3. rob 1 year ago

    If you don’t do research you will always be clueless the damage will always stay with you in some way you got to learn about what happened as much as possisble to get a good understanding of it, example the more you learn a subject the better you will get. I’m sure there isn’t a magical wand to instanstly make us perfect, but as it so rightly says above you’ve got to understand accept and believe again. Its cruel what happens to the victims but forgiving what happened could be a big step forward. I’ve been with one and it was defo the worst thing that has happened to me. But imagine how they must feel there whole life they will just do that over and over just think if you had to think like them to have fun it must be hard for them so there the real victims. No wonder a lot of them have harmed themselves at some point or over. Anybody who has been a victim should leave a cooment or something maybe start a hub yourself. If I had read some of these articles sooner to when I was left to rot in hell I wouldn’t of tried to take my own life etc etc. Make others feel like there normal because I went mad well so I thought anyway and I’m sure others have done too. Let’s all stick together you know like a family were all in the same boat. Let’s raise awareness.

    • Francesca 2 months ago

      Part of the reason why I stayed with mine, was because I realized that he was a psychopath, and my heart bled for this man that I loved who had once been a small boy experiencing a terrible upbringing that was the catalyst for making him incapable of feeling real emotions. It was my sympathy for him, and a desire to help him, that kept me bound to him for far longer than I should have been. He’d promise to get tested, would cry even, but he’d bail on the testing every time, and I finally came to realize that he could turn those tears, like all his emotions, on and off at will in order to manipulate further.

      So, I broke off our brief engagement (I’d always said no, because I was in a constant struggle with my conscience over who he really was), and in a matter of a few months, he is on to his next victim. Another ex of his and I want to warn her, but are terrified to do so, because of his violent Mr. Hyde alter-ego, and know that, even if we had the courage, she would not believe it for a moment, since they have only been together for 3 weeks, and he is the most romantic, sexy man in the universe as part of his game, not to mention, telling her that we’re the crazy ones.

      The new victim is also a highly intelligent, highly educated older woman (the only kind he preys upon, which I now know is because we are a greater challenge, and, therefore create a bigger high to him once he’s won us over) who, like me, would never in a million years believe that someone could manipulate her. So, in other words, she is toast. This time, though, I truly believe, that because she is a lawyer and has police association, she will be his downfall Once she sees his true colors… Hopefully, a rock bottom (like ending up in jail) might trigger him to seek help, but I’m not holding my breath.

      Nevertheless, this time, he is truly playing with fire, for he is incapable of being respectful to his partners, is verbally (and sometimes physically) abusive, is a pathological liar, is scary jealous, will isolate his victim from their friends, and is, of course, a serial cheater. A woman in her position is not going to let him do these things to her without consequences, or at least I hope. This will be the truest test of just how established he is at the art of manipulation.

      So, back to his upbringing: His father was also a psychopath, and my partner confided in me that his father had killed 3 men (not during a war). I also came to learn that his father had threatened to pour acid on his mother’s face when she left him. Furthermore, he taught his son to be violent toward woman, and even had him hold his own mother down when he was a mere teen, so that he could beat her. Horrifying, right? Th leather I found out from his mother just before I finally bailed. So, of course, his mother was (and still is) completely neurotic and withdrawn his entire childhood, so he went to live with his psycho dad, who was also abusive toward him (even stealing all the hard earned money he’d saved up to buy a car). Finally my ex knew that he just had to leave his abusive father, so with a mere $30 in his pocket and a knapsack, he jumped on a bus and headed to Los Angeles. (Ironic that; The City of Angels.) And that is where, on an ill-fated evening, I met him. He grabbed me and twirled me around a dance floor and looking me straight in the eyes, said, “You’re the most beautiful woman on earth. You’re the one.” Some part of me was smart enough to keep him at bay for 2 entire months, but he managed to charm me so adeptly, that all was lost after that, and nearly 3 years of heaven and hell ensued…

      It did not fail to enter my thoughts, on occasion, that this man, this monster, could someday kill me or someone else, but then he would show hyper emotion, like shedding a tear during cute animal videos, woo me with bouquets of flowers, little gifts, and grander romantic gestures, and he even had my friend convinced that he loved me with an intense, admirable passion, even though, they were appalled by some of the tales I’d told. They eventually began to see his true colors, but by then, it was I who was caught in the web. The torment of the soul over which way to go was utterly contradictory from moment to moment. It can definitely drive one to irrationally lash out. It was not a pretty sight or sound when we clashed, and I am utterly shamed that I allowed him to bring me down to his level.

      I almost wish there was an obligatory course on how to spot a sociopath in elementary school. Might have helped us all save our souls if we’d been wise enough. And that’s the most gargantuan damage, the self-loathing for having being duped, and worse, the part of you that still holds on, and wants nothing more than for him to come back. Oh, the great struggle…

      I wish you all the best of luck…

      • Author
        Admin 2 months ago

        Yes, the “great struggle,” that’s exactly what it is. You know, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if his newest victim does some serious background checks on him, what with her connections. Of course he may not have a record (yet). You are SO lucky and so smart to have broken off your engagement. The self-loathing you feel at having been duped will pass. Anyone can be duped. I didn’t tell my ex-path’s next victim, either — she was WAY too in love with him for it to have done any good, so it wasn’t worth it to put myself in danger. You are a good storyteller! Thank you for your comment, and I wish you all the best.

        • Francesca 2 months ago

          Thanks for having this site.

          The part I mentioned about turning emotions on and off is something he later admitted to me when he cried and cried about knowing he was a psychopath and wanting to change. I had studied several psychology classes in college in Europe, but when I delved further into psycopathy (once the realization set in), I read that one of the therapies for helping psychopaths attempts to teach them to flip the switch to the good side and leave it on. My God, if that were only possible for my ex, I’d be the happiest woman on earth. But I’ve given up on that dream since he’s moved on, now convincing himself, once again, that it was all of his exes who were crazy, and that there’s nothing wrong with him, especially since his new victim simply adores him in this honeymoon stage of theirs.

          I’m not sure that I’m done with all the tears, yet. (I think that will be a bit of a lengthier journey than usual.) But I have a friend staying with me, so that helps, and I’m telling myself daily that this was the healthiest move for me, and, like I said, I know (never been more sure of anything in my life) that the will continue this pattern with the new woman, and so on, and so on, and so on…

          • Author
            Admin 2 months ago

            “My God, if that were only possible for my ex, I’d be the happiest woman on earth.” Wouldn’t we all!

            It’s hard when we finally give up on the dream. I don’t know if you’ve seen this post; it talks about that, in particular: http://psychopathsandlove.com/loss-and-grief-after-the-psychopath-is-gone/

            It is a long and tear-strewn journey, but you will get there. I wish you the best of luck.

  4. Patricia 1 year ago

    Do you have some of this books or texts in portuguese?

    • Author
      Admin 1 year ago

      I’m sorry, I do not.

  5. Tracy 1 year ago

    Honestly, I think I am still in shock. And withdrawal. I could never have understood what I am going through without your dead aim insights, so thank you. My journey started because I thought my husband was gay! I was so messed up, I had no idea how to explain his behavior (now I know it was the devaluing stage). It is all so sick. I feel sick. He abruptly discarded me, the lack of respect is UNBELIEVABLE-has now become so sexually deviant that my mind can’t even comprehend it. He is involved with a 65 yr old woman who he met through some “swapping” type website. He didn’t work for 3 yrs, yet the man had over 200 contacts in his phone! I was so dumb……. And, he struggled profusely with impotence, that I never suspected…….Perhaps that is his goal, to prove some sort of sexual prowess……it’s just sick. Again, I feel sick. Anyway, moving forward with NCEA and trying to get divorced ASAP. Really hard though. The good days (strong) and the bad days (despair). I am lonely. You’re right, the friends don’t get it. Think I’m crazy for calling it a psychopathic nightmare. They don’t want to believe this can happen. They think I am being dramatic or some sort of borderline. So, thank you for doing this for us. And, thanks for letting me post. God bless to everyone out there going through this.

    • Author
      Admin 1 year ago

      Unfortunately, anyone who hasn’t been through it or who isn’t Drs. Babiak/ Hare or someone like them will never understand. Yet it’s important to feel and be understood…so that’s another hard part of the whole crazy thing we have to deal with. “Think I’m crazy for calling it a psychopathic nightmare.” I know that all too well. Know that you can get through it without their support (but also know that some of your relationships might end because of it). There’s a saying that a big trauma in life can “re-write our address book.” It’s so true, I’m sorry to say.

      It’s not uncommon for victims to be mis-diagnosed with borderline and other things like that. It is actually PTSD, in many cases. In time it will pass, *as long as you keep after the truth (*the truth about what happened to you, so you can understand that it wasn’t at all what he or she wanted you to believe*).

      I’m very familiar with the good days…and the bad days. Just keep moving forward anyway as best you can. Learn everything you can to avoid being victimized by another one in the future.

      Best Wishes to you.

    • Tracy 1 year ago

      I totally understand!! I read the words of people in these blogs and can see my own life nightmare. Friends don’t understand. He even referred to me as Jodi Arias! He kept googling borderline personality and tried to make me believe all that I could see from the Mr Hyde was my imagination!!! I’m giving this information to my therapist this week bc he most likely just sees me as a person of verbal abuse.

  6. Mother of a victim 1 year ago

    Back in May of 2005, my son, who was in his early 40’s, became involved with a woman we will call Laura. She charmed him. He and I had always been very close. He is the youngest of my four children. He was an ideal man: honest, with a religious background, hard worker and had everything that made him a good man. He is very successful career wise. He had been divorced for a few years and had a house full of room mates in a house that he owned.

    Slowly I noticed that his roommates were leaving. One just didn’t want to leave. I had to sell my home as I was no longer able to pay the taxes and in July I moved into his place until I could decide where I wanted to live. To my surprise Laura moved in a week before I was due to arrive. Before Laura moved in, my son had called me to speak to the roommate who did not want to leave as he didn’t think Laura was a good person and didn’t want to leave my son with her. I was called by my son to please verify that I was indeed coming to stay. The roommate agreed to leave. There was a strange tone to my son’s voice as well as the request. I brushed it off. To make a long story shorter:
    Within one day I was given a set of rules regarding my kitchen use and within 10 days, through email, I was asked to leave the house. From the time I arrived, I was not able to spend one minute alone with him. If we decided to go to the store, she insisted to go along. I told my son that Laura was very strange and acted rude toward me when my son was not present. I didn’t think she treated my son well either. Laura wanted me out as I was interfering with the control she wanted over my son. I had no idea how much control she had already. I could have sworn that the first and only meal I had with them, my son fell into a trance. I thought he might be playing or joking around. He had dropped his head, turned toward her and stared at her through the whole meal. Never, said a word. I ate my dinner and went to my room.

    Today my son has turned over his finances to her.
    He tells me the church is a cult.
    He takes on a different personality when he talks to me.
    Parts of his memory seem to be missing.
    I fear that he might commit a crime if she asked him to do so.
    She uses hypnosis and has books on her shelf about mind control.
    He was a conservative and is now a Socialist person.
    He used to be the executor of my estate, but asked to be removed.
    We used to have great conversations, now not so.
    He didn’t want a dog, but now has one. She always gets what she wants and always has to right.

    She has destroyed everything that is good in my son childhood and replaced it with seedy memories of me.

    I am the only family member that is aware of these changes in him. He appears to be amiable around all the rest. He lives three hours away from his brother and sisters. I live two states away, and I feel very responsible for this condition. It wasn’t until I left my home state to find a more affordable residence that I realized how devastated he was must have felt. He called me a few times to tell me he was being asked to do things that were against the way he was raised. He did not go into detail. I told him to put her out of his house. He said he couldn’t do that, but he felt that she would drive him crazy. He told me she had no friends or family. That was a lie. It was true she had no friends but she did have family and even shared with me the first time I met her that her father had molested her. At that time I told my son that she was damaged and not a good person to get involved. Our family didn’t and still does not like her, but no one but me said or says anything about it to him. I think they did him a disservice.

    Now 2013, my son married her two years ago. He didn’t want to do that, but said he could not stop it. None of our family was invited. He accepted that blame also and said he didn’t was a big wedding. However, Laura invited all her family and friends. My son knew it was wrong, but said he cold not stop it. He told us he didn’t want to have a big wedding. However, our family was fairly close and we decided to not make big waves. We did not know who she really was

    I have been to two lawyers, one psychologist, one mental health group and spoken to one psychiatrist. The lawyers say that unless he comes to see them, they cannot help. They also said that without physical abuse, showing mental abuse is hard to prove. The psychologist said she could not help because she did not deal in personality disorders, and I think a dual personality is a disorder. Once again he would have to come in for help on his own. The mental health group told me that my son is in for a very long healing process, if he would ever begin and recommended a very large teaching hospital. The term brain washing was used here.

    They have taken out a large insurance policy and this frightens me.

    Laura is a sociopath/psychopath and I fear my son will commit suicide or lose his whole sense of reality. I am now feeling like I could lose my own sense of stability. My son is in my thoughts 24/7. I had a ray of hope a week ago. I called my son on his cell on Sunday morning. He picked up the phone and his voice appeared normal. He was doing the wash. We talked about football and I told him I missed him and loved him very much. He told me the same. I think Laura was out of the house.

    I do not know how to help him. Where would a person in my position begin to end this abuse and stop the transformation happening before my very eyes?

    I fear that Laura also has access to drugs as she told my son when they first met that she takes meds of ADD.

    Has anyone faced this situation?? Sorry this is so long. This is the first time I have attempted to write my thoughts.

    • Author
      Admin 1 year ago

      First, I’m sorry your son — and you! — are caught in this situation. I can clearly sense your pain at watching it happen and yet being unable to help, despite your efforts.

      Mental abuse/ manipulation is hard to prove, especially if the victim appears to “choose” to stay in the situation. This woman is a master manipulator who has been able to take control of your son and hijack his mind and his life. And you have been very seriously affected, too.

      I wish I knew what to tell you to do! Your description brings to mind a need for an “intervention,” like those sometimes done with people who are in a cult or addicted to drugs. But although *we* know his situation is on par with those things, I have no idea who would support such a thing. I mention it only because I understand what you’re talking about and I hear your desperation to help your son.

      Keep looking for a way you can help your son, but realize that maybe you won’t be able to do anything about it.

      Hopefully she will leave him, or he will surprise you one day and leave her first.

      I just did a search and found that Lovefraud has a list of legal and mental health professionals who at least claim to deal with the victims of these “relationships.” Maybe an expert in this field is necessary and will be able to advise you.

      http://www.lovefraud.com/resources-guide/

      Also, you may want to find a therapist for yourself to help you deal with this. You say it’s on your mind 24/7, and while that’s completely understandable, this kind of stress is not good for your mental or physical health.

      Good luck and best wishes to you and your son. Please let me know what happens.

  7. Afraid to leave name 1 year ago

    I am the mother of a psychopath. His younger brother and I have been his victims for over 30ty years. As a Mom I gave my all and then some. I believed until this last year that if I always protected and loved him and was a perfect Mom that I could save him. He almost destroyed me and his brother. I worry everyday about the emotional harm he is doing to others. The hardest part and the beginning of recovery is when you are seeing the reality and danger when the psychopath takes the mask completely off and then you dare tell some things you know trying to protect your other son, daughter in law and grandchildren from being further victimized. Then when you survive and you have to face a lot of reality about the psychopath you know to really really fear him. You have puzzle pieces that suddenly click in place. The best contact is no contact. It is also hard to have the burden of knowing just how dangerous and intelligent he is. I will survive everything only because I understand. Your website is so dead on it just made my hair stand on end. Knowledge is power and to understand means no longer being a victim. I am no longer blind and faced a lot of truths but now live with how scary a person who is a true psychopath really is. Still better than continuing as his victim.

    • Author
      Admin 1 year ago

      It sounds as if you have accepted a hard truth about your own son. That must be a very hard thing for a mother to do. I hope you and his younger brother will do well and stay safe. There is probably nothing you can do about his emotional harm to others, so just take care of yourself as best you can. Best wishes.

  8. Sherry 1 year ago

    I am numb. I am in the second time around, with another one. Just recently, he blindsided me, turned cold and cruel, and I haven’t heard from him in a week. I have not tried to contact him, and I am trying to stay strong. Need help!!!

    • Author
      Admin 1 year ago

      Don’t *try* not to contact him — just don’t contact him. Unless you want to waste your life in a relationship with him. Instead, make up your mind not to date anyone until you re-build your self-worth and self-respect, which are probably in short supply right now. Make a priority of learning as much as you can about how to avoid this scenario in the future. And learn all you can about yourself — because when someone who wants to victimize you knows your needs and motivations better than you do, you’re in big trouble.

      Best of luck to you.

  9. Faith 1 year ago

    I am doing better. It has been months since I left him. Yes I think I still have come cognitive dissociance. What I dont get is that I used to be a food lover but now I have totally lost all my appetite, my hair are falling, I have lost weight and I look older. I am not depressed. Why is this happening to me?

    • Author
      Admin 1 year ago

      Are you sure you’re not depressed? It wouldn’t be surprising if you were, after all. Please read this article, “Could You Be Depressed and Not Know It?”

      Your symptoms could also point to a serious physical problem, so you must go to see a doctor.

      Best wishes to you.

  10. Janice Kirby 12 months ago

    Falling for a psychopath . ruined my life I don’t want to go out side .I don’t want to be with my friends I still live in a fantasy world. My family is going crazy my behaviour is un ordinary .

    • Author
      Admin 12 months ago

      I’m sorry you’re going through this. You’re in the worse of it now, but you will make it through. There are many of us who have. Maybe a counselor could help — is that a possibility? Best wishes to you.

  11. Mike 12 months ago

    There are an equal amount of female psycopaths out there as male ones. Females tend to fly under society’s radar as they are less likely to commit criminal offences, just moral ones. I have 2 children with a female psycho which she has used as tools to dismantle my live and my soul and greatly enjoyed herself in the process. This enjoyment of cruelty is the hard fact to come to terms with and baffles us all.

    Born as the product of a gang rape on a retarded woman she was adopted and created a nightmare for her new parents. The new mother went insane and the father had to throw his pyschopathic daughter out at 16. During school life 2 of her ‘friends’ commited suicide. She loves to create ‘bad’ situations and watch them unfold, pitting one against another or usually many against one individual. Softly spoken and very feminine and charming she is highly manipulative of men and woman and totally without remorse and dishonest to the core. It’s all about control. They enjoy ‘being the cause’ and ‘having and an effect’ whether it’s making you laugh or cry.

    A great tip for spotting psychopaths is the way they muddle words up especially in ‘sayings’. Eg Running around like a legless chicken. Conversations with a pycho can be disjointed, rapidly changing topics. They often say a sentence that contradicts itself. They talk a lot with excessive hand movements.

    They are very good at creating a good impression of themselves and portraying their victim as the real culprit. This is what really gets me. I’ve been in hell and evrybody thinks I’m the monster………..except a few who have had experience themselves.

    • Author
      Admin 12 months ago

      Yes, there are just as many female psychopaths as there are male…and maybe more, if you look at the relatively new theory that female psychopaths present differently, and maybe they’ve been misdiagnosed as having borderline personality disorder. When I started writing this blog, I knew nothing about females so I just stuck with what I had experienced. But now I see that many men are victims as well.

      To think of this woman using your children to “dismantle” your life and your soul is sickening. Yours is a heartbreaking story. You really have been through hell, and I hope she is out of your life. I wish you and your children all the best.

  12. Rachel 11 months ago

    Hi. I had a relationship with a psychopath for 3 and a half years. During the first 6 months I thought if met my soul mate. Then he revealed his true self and was violent would go drinking for days and cheated on me. Would always come back to me and tell me it wouldn’t happen again, just wanted somewhere to live. Told me he loved me then would treat me with indifference and I would believe it was my fault. 6 weeks ago he met another woman and moved in with her immediately. Within 2 weeks he was violent to her and contacted me again. He told me he loved me again. I thought he was my soul mate. Then we had row. He was still living with the other woman. He then got stabbed by his friend. I told his new girlfriend to be very careful but she didn’t believe me just believed his lies. I am a very strong person and do not want him back but sometimes I miss him so much it’s so conflicting. I know I’ll get through this but his family live a mile down the road and he’s there every weekend. It’s so difficult. I can’t explain it to anyone as every one that knows him dislikes him and thinks I’m crazy for ever loving him. Reading your website had helped me a lot to reconcile my feelings. Thank you so much for all the info here. It had set me on the road to recovery, I just wish his new victim had listened to me and saved herself the heartache that she will experience

    • Author
      Admin 11 months ago

      Unfortunately, his new victim will believe him just as you did so there is nothing more you can do as far as that goes. I understand you are feeling conflicted, but please act upon the feelings that put your own well-being first, OK? I’m glad the website has helped you. Take care of yourself.

  13. Livi 11 months ago

    I want to thank you for doing this site. Things finally make sense. I was in a relationship with a one of these sick people. It was always my fault. And my address book has been changed. Not many get it. Its so hard to loose someone you actually thought you loved and at the same time realize it was never real. I ended up going to jail, loosing a big chunk of savings to defend myself, lost close relationships due to depression and some of my own self respect. A good chuck of time….Im still healing. I do have hope that Im on the right path. Thank you again. This will help me in the right direction.

    • Author
      Admin 11 months ago

      I’m so glad you feel this will help and I wish you the best. You’ve been through some very tough times, and I hope life will change for the better in a big way!

  14. Alice 11 months ago

    Thankyou so much for the incredible words that are written here . They speak volumes and resonate deeply with the very painful and baffling experience I am currently enduring- having been dropped ( dumped ) from a great height, by someone who can only possibly be described as a Sociopath . The healing and relief I feel has made a profound difference, so many thanks. Thank Goodness for the internet too !

    • Author
      Admin 11 months ago

      You’re so welcome. Thank you for letting me know this helped you. Best wishes to you.

      And yes thank goodness for the internet!

  15. Nelson 11 months ago

    First of all, I would like to thank you so much for this post. It pretty much took all the thoughts I had about my situation and organized them into column form. I had never heard of cognitive dissonance but that term and the definition hit the nail on the head of what I have been feeling/thinking.

    I started dating a sociopath a little more than two years ago, the summer when I was 18 and she was 17. We met through a mutual friend, and she rushed the relationship while I wanted to take it slow. For the longest time I considered that one of the best summers of my life because of how euphoric she made it all out to be. I stopped hanging out with pretty much all of my friends, and started neglecting my family, all the while just spending more and more time with her.

    Then I started college at a university about an hour and a half away from where I live, and she started her senior year of high school. What I didn’t know was she had already reeled me in. Things were fine at first, we thought we could make it work for a year until she graduated. But everything changed about midway through the semester. She became distant, and never wanted to talk anymore. But I had been home to see her every damn weekend and most Wednesdays we met inbetween to eat and do other things. She blamed me for our relationship being so awful. She said it was my fault we were so far apart because I went to a school an hour and a half away, when there was a community college I could be going to about 30 minutes from where she lived. I tried to explain to her I made the decision to go there months before I even met her. She didn’t care.

    Then I would finally make it home for the weekend and things would be fine. Until Sunday night. When it was time for me to leave she would cry and pitch fits, not letting me leave until 1 AM or later, with an hour and a half drive to my dorm and an 8 AM class. She didn’t care. It was all about her.

    Then her crying and sobbing on Sunday nights got worse. She began to start fights and try to leave me over stupid things, but because she knew how much I cared for her she knew I wouldn’t leave until I “fixed things”, which involved sitting there telling her how amazing she was and how ugly, stupid, and annoying any girl I had ever been with in my past was.

    During the week, all I did was lay in my dorm and wait for her to call. I pretty much had 2 friends my whole freshman year of college: my roommate and my cousin who lived in the area. This was strange for me because in high school I was a very sociable person. (I played varsity football, basketball, and baseball, and received an academic scholarship to the university I attend). She completely changed who I was. I hated myself but I loved her. I had no idea that there were people like her in the world. (A small fun fact: there were 34 weekends in the two semesters I dated her while I was at school. I went home to see her all but 2 of those. That’s over 140 miles round trip 32 times.)

    My dad finally intervened the summer after my freshman year. He told me he would kick me out and never help me out financially again unless I ended it with her. I knew he was right, but I just couldn’t explain the hurt of when I tried to leave her and he and the rest of my friends and family just could NOT understand. I finally left her, butLook.. I was gonna go easy on you not to hurt your feelings, but… I’m only going to get….. this one chance. I went into a rampant alcoholic stage, only at the age of 19. Things started to get better and I started getting off the bottle until (at this point it had been about four months since I had talked to/seen her) we got back in contact. A stupid and life changing mistake that was.

    We dated in secret until February of this year, until I found a strong core of new friends who helped me end it. She had actually taken an attempt at my life, which just totally blew my mind. I realized she was mentally sick and unhealable. I told my dad of our secrecy and he was pretty pissed, but understood. I was finally done with her for good.

    Until she came to me a month later with a signed piece of paper from a doctor saying she was 2 months pregnant. “I thought you said you were on the pill!! What the hell?! How did this happen?” “I lied.”
    Such a simple, yet life changing statement.

    My daughter is almost a month old now. I am still not with her, and she is engaged to some other poor soul now. We are about to start an extreme custody battle. I feel like I’ve been through the hell of a lifetime, but the hell has only just began. It’s just so much to handle, yet I do my best to stay positive. How can I deal with all this? And by the way, I’m 20 now and still in college. So I’m cursed to make that Godforsaken drive every other weekend to see my little girl, with the sociopath who changed my life.

    Pretty much all I have to say about this post is that it helped me realize that I really f***ing need professional help. I can’t stop doing drugs and I’m going to ruin my daughter’s life. Thank you so much again for the little push I needed in the right direction. You make have just saved me.

    • Author
      Admin 11 months ago

      “She completely changed who I was. I hated myself but I loved her.” This sums it up well, Nelson. I am astounded that you’ve gone through all of this at such a young age. You’re aware now of what she is and that will help you in the times to come.

      I’m so happy I’ve given you a little push in the right direction. You definitely need some professional guidance to deal with this, both psychological and legal, if possible. Those are things that will help you deal with this.

      And remember this: You can deal with it and let it consume you and live in a rage, or you can deal with it without those things (or with much less, at least). There’s a lot of peace in accepting a situation that you can’t change. You might want to consider taking the Landmark Forum workshop; it’s quite good for achieving this aim.

      There’s a website that might be of help: http://onemomsbattle.com/ Also, see the resources in the sidebar of my blog under “Dealing with a violent partner/ex.”

      Best of luck to you and to your little daughter.

  16. Alice Ana-Maria Wells 11 months ago

    What an amazing blog, the words on these pages have given more relief and answers to the pain I have felt and the mystery of the appalling and baffling behaviour of my Ex than anything I have found so far. Thankyou to the Author, for the wonderful service that your in valuable work is providing.

    • Author
      Admin 11 months ago

      You are so welcome! Thank you for letting me know.

  17. Empathic Love 11 months ago

    Thank you so much for this. I originally read your blog 2months ago, as healing progresses with no contact, withdrawl and continual fog lifting and truth revealed–I have felt quite vulnerable. It has been quite frustrating as I shop for appropriate counselor– how misunderstood I am– I am so grateful that I can direct people to this site and then they get it! Also, one counselor ( I am also a counselor/wounded healer) tried to suggest I was borderline–after one brief meeting– I was completely miffed— but realize there is much ignorance even among counselors– I knew nothing about this until I experienced it. I meet with 5 different counselors as you must be cautious and find the right fit. I think I may have finally found one but will go slow– and have been finding 12 step meetings amazing source of support and healing– but your site is very well organized and has helped me sort through the craziness and disorganization of my body, mind, emotions and spirit — so I can rescue, recover and move forward with truth and no contact. THANK YOU

    • Author
      Admin 11 months ago

      Thank you for letting me know! I’m so glad the site is helping you, and I’m happy you may have found the right counselor. It’s true, not too many know about any of this and I have to wonder why. Borderline is a common misdiagnosis given to traumatized victims, btw.

      I’m happy to know that you’re sending others close to you to this site to help them to understand what happened to you. I also find it amusing in a way, since I could not convince one friend to look at this site — my own website! — to help them to understand. I wrote the post, “Helping a freind who’s been traumatized by a psychopath” just for them. Needless to say, I’m making new friends.

  18. rani 10 months ago

    Thank you. I have been looking for help and answers. I was with my ex for 3 yrs. Recently ended. We met I thought he was amazing. Good looking charming and romantic. I moved in with him 3mnths into the relationship, crazy but I didn’t think so at the time. Cracks then started to appear. The women he had been with, collection of underwear he kept from his conquests. The porn. The lies and the cheating in which he had denied. Everytime I thought it was me with the problem. He used my past my insecurities against me. Tried to leave but would have the police called on me. I felt like I was going mad. He took me away from my family and friends. Im still on my own with my three children. Two of which are his. They are both babies. I wont allow him to see
    Them. If he can hurt me he will them. It was a hard choice but he is not good. I feel no self worth left. I felt ugly and worthless. Now im trying to heal but no one seems to understand. There are no groups where other people have gone through it. I can’t find any. So instead I read up I try and find answers. This is the worst thing that has happened to me. He tells people I have a personality disorder. I dont. I have been through hell and struggling to get through it. Its so hard to heal. Did I do the right thing for him to have no contact with our children? How long will it take to heal? He never loved me not really. I feel I have been raped. Why does no one understand? I want to heal and be happy again. …x

  19. Kristine Slough 2 months ago

    I finally awoke to the disturbing fact of my soon to be ex husband being a psychopath. We were a textbook case of the 3 stages. It was wonderful for the first few years until he left his email open and I saw that he was cheating on me with an ex girlfriend. Of course he denied it and actually was having an affair with her while I was pregnant. Every time during the next few years that I would suspect an affair I would threaten to leave him and he would be “good” for 6 months or a year, then would do the same things. I finally realized what he was earlier this year. Then he fully discarded both me and his now 9 year old son. When I filed for divorce a few days ago I felt better, but now I have to come to grips with the fact that he does not seem to care anything about me or our son. I think that’s the hardest thing to do. He did cry but I think it was because I filed for the divorce first and he lost control of the situation. He was crying for himself. I can’t even begin to think about healing. The pain is just too much. Why is it so easy for him and not for me?

    • Author
      Admin 2 months ago

      I’m sorry you’re going through all of this. If your ex is truly a psychopath, it’s easier for him because he doesn’t have any real emotions. They do get upset when they lose control. You will begin to heal in time, even though it may not seem like it right now. I wish you and your son all the best.

  20. Ann 2 months ago

    How’s this one for a doozy of a story…and please…no judging.
    My relationship with my psychopath started out as an affair, for both of us-15 years ago. I knew in my gut something wasn’t right, but it was very exciting, and I thought I was in love with him. Still I didn’t let him in 100% which is why he stayed around and THOUGHT he was in love with me. I ended up moving 2hrs away and eventually ended things which devastated him, but not once did he ever tell me he wanted me and my children. He was into me because I held the power. 13 years go by; my husband had a 2 year affair that I found out about when I was 8 mos pregnant, and a couple ‘hook-ups’ since, and my ‘man’ has since divorced. Needless to say, the years haven’t been that great and I have grown increasingly unhappy in my marriage. Through the years I remembered (selectively) how happy I was with my ‘man’, and eventually the opportunity for us to be together again presented itself. This time though, I let my guard down, and thought that this was my chance. I had nothing to lose since I was unhappy in my marriage anyway. I gave my ‘man’ all of me. I let him in completely…and over the last 2 years he destroyed me. Not one time in 2 years did he ever ask to see me. I thought it was because I was still married and he wasn’t and I had to ‘tow the line’. Now I think it was all by design….he also used to brag that he never gave his ex-wife a birthday card- and I still stayed with him; boy was I nuts. One morning after his birthday, he asked me when I was leaving, and whether I needed to shower. Seriously…who does that? He used to say the weirdest things during our deep conversations that I now know was gaslighting. During the devaluation phase, he knew I was distancing myself because of our problems, so just to keep the carrot dangling just a little bit more, he made comments like, ‘hurry up and get a divorce so we can be together…and, ‘I can’t wait for you to meet my niece. After all she’ll be your niece someday’. The end was when I was ‘accidentally’ on a text thread between him and a female coworker I now know he has a crush on: She had called me a hussy…and his reply was ‘hussy, I love that’. 8 hrs prior he was telling me he wanted a future with me. I told him never to contact me again. He texted me a couple of times the next day to which I didn’t reply, but he never called. Not once. Some guy, huh? The aftermath has been nothing short of horrific. My marriage has sank to new lows…I am now teetering on divorce, but my mind isn’t in it’s right place and I can’t make any sound decisions. Any affection from my husband makes my stomach turn. We haven’t been intimate in almost a year, and to make matters worse, he has a crush/friend at work…he says they are just friends, but hey, who can blame him, right? I barely make it through the day sometimes, and I can’t remember a day that I haven’t at some point had a cry. I’ve been to therapy, but no amount of therapy takes the pain away. I feel like someone has died. I really, really loved him, and had fully accepted all the ‘oddities’ that went with him. He really, really loved the chase and the game.

    • Author
      Admin 2 months ago

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this, Ann. You’re right, what they love is the chase and the game. And they are ruthless players. From what you’ve told me, you’re correct when you say your mind isn’t in the right place to make sound decisions about your marriage. If it’s possible, your marriage needs to be considered as a separate issue from your feelings about your ex-lover. It will take time for you to be able to do that. Therapy is good if you have a good therapist who is empathetic and who supports you, but it’s only a part of the healing process. A big part of it is time. Another important part is learning about manipulators, and finding out how it happened and what really transpired. I wish you all the best on your journey. Warm wishes to you.

  21. Torn 2 months ago

    WOW , All i can say is Thankyou.
    I am so thankful that I happened to come across your website , I have been beating myself up wondering if there was something terribly wrong with me.
    My story started over 12 mnths ago now.
    Everything you describe , is what happened……..Everything to a T.
    It took him 6mths to get my attention at my place of work , I really didn’t find him attractive , I wasn’t giving him my full attention and I think that made him try all the more.
    Everyday , he would come into my work , he was a contractor there and always turned up when i was having my break. He would always smile and say hello, over time i started to actually look forward to his arival. He would say little things ,like , I only come here to see you , you know. At this time i thought he was married so i didn’t really pay him any special attention.
    Until one day he asked me how to use skype on his phone , he was meeting up with a woman on the weekend and I actually felt a touch of jealousy , I asked him , arn’t you married , and he told me that he had been seperated for over 6 mths but still lived at home for the sake of his kids. Alarm bells should have rung then and there , but instead i started to let down my guard and get to know him better. Big mistake.
    He told me that the very first time he saw me he was smitten , he said that I was the only thing on his mind day in and day out , and i beleived him because it seamt any time he had available he would be there at my work wanting to spend time with me.
    Once we had exchanged phone numbers he would message me constantly , telling me he was thinking of me , telling me i was beautiful , calling me his true love ,my baby , my beautiful flower everything a woman would want to hear , he said it. He almost always ended the message with I Love You. He went out of his way to do thoughtful romantic things for me , buying me small gifts leaving romantic poems and working his charm and magic. And Yes , stupid me fell for it.
    It took me only 4 weeks to fall in love with him from the time we exchanged phone numbers , but i didn’t tell him , until he asked me (by text message)why i have trouble answering him when he says I love you.
    I was so worried that i would loose him that i told him then and there that i loved him (by text message) He was so happy that i had fallen in love with him , it was like he had finally found and gotten the love of his life.
    Thats how he made me feel.
    It took me about 6 weeks to start a sexual relationship with him. And he treated me like I was the only woman on this earth , and the sex was the best i have ever had , and he claimed the same thing.
    Over the next couple of months , the messages,calls and visits became less frequent , he ended it with me on several occasions , saying that he felt bad that he couldn’t give me everything i needed as his buisuness took up too much of his time. By now i was basically obsessed with this guy , and begged and pleaded with him not to end it , each time he would lure me back in and i would accept less than i did the time before.
    He would get very jealous if i spoke to other men at work or if i gave them a smile , i was a very happy go lucky person at work , and it got to the stage where i was avoiding men so i wouldn’t upset him , he even got angry with me for leaving a smiley face at the end of a note i left for one of the bosses.
    But it made me feel special , like he loved me so much.
    As his time for me got less and less i would wonder what it was i had done , he would ALWAYS put the blame back on me for everything , I was a total mess. One day it would be like he is totally in love with me and then he would have me thinking that he isn’t afraid of loosing me.
    This went on for 6mths , He had me to the point where i was doing things that i wouldn’t normally do , I thought i was doing it because i loved him so much and i was afraid of loosing him. And i thought that he loved me.
    I stopped going out with my friends , I stopped my passion which was photography , I stopped talking and smiling at the men at work , I waited home for him , and was happy to have 30mins of his time (usually ending with sex and then he would leave) I can’t beleive that he talked me into doing sexual things while at work , that is not me , but he did , and i feel ashamed of myself.
    It is only this weekend that my gut feeling finally kicked in , when i heard him take a phone call from somebody , after he got up and walked away to take the call , I just had this feeling that it was another woman. When i questioned him about it , he said it was his daughter.
    I didn’t message him or call him for two days after that,and i didn’t hear from him either.
    Monday night i sent him a text to say that i was just a game to him that he never loved me.
    His reply as usual……..Iv’e done nothing wrong.
    It was my fault for not messaging him or calling him.
    I told him I was a fool , and that i beleive i have been played , and to stay away from me.
    He said to me that i don’t truly beleive that , (as he always does) and that i AM a fool if i think that is true.
    All weekend i have been fighting with myself , wondering , does he love me , is it me , is it him.
    Until I came across your website………It has made me realise that yes, there are people out there that prey on people like me.
    I have finally made the connection , and finally come to the conclusion that is was all a game to him , he didn’t love me.
    And I don’t know how to deal with it , It’s like my perfect man was just a dream , even though i know he wasn’t real.
    And i feel i need to tell him that what he is doing is wrong , I feel the need to message him to tell him how he has manipulated me into loving him , I want to hurt him like he has hurt me , but I don’t want to stoop to his level.
    I know I will see him at work. What is your oppinion on how to deal with him when i see him at work?
    Every other time when i saw him (after we had broken up) , it was like he was a magnet drawing me to him , It was like he had cast a spell over me , it was like i had no control over my feelings , over my love for him , I can’t let that happen again , although at the moment I feel much stronger and my love is turning to anger and bitterness , but when i see him , i’m scared that I may fold.
    Please help.

    • Author
      Admin 2 months ago

      From what you say, it seems you found this website for a good reason! He sounds prototypical, as does the relationship.

      He’s made you doubt yourself by telling you that it’s you and not him, etc., but remember this — actions speak louder than words. Actions point to the truth. And you already know the truth. If you do fold, it will only be more of the same. Actually, it will only get worse — you’ll get less and less of his time, but you’ll have more and more questions and doubts, and more of your thoughts and your energy will go into this big, black sinkhole he’s pulled you into. It’s amazing when you find the love of your life and he feels the same way! And that is hard to let go of. It’s what keeps us hooked, what keeps us believing the words instead of the reality.

      You say you want to hurt him like he’s hurt you, but if he is truly a pathological manipulator, there is no way to hurt him. He will only deny everything you say and give you even more doubts. Telling him how you feel is simply an opportunity for him to change your mind.

      You need to cut off any and all contact with him. Except of course that you will have to see him at your job. That’s tricky. I didn’t have to deal with that, but many who do use a technique they call “gray rock.” You can read about it here: http://www.lovefraud.com/2012/02/10/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/ Basically, you will become like a gray rock whenever he’s around or contacts you in any way — meaning you’ll give him boring, monotonous, and emotionless responses, no matter how he tries to provoke you. Why? He needs stimulation, but this will bore him and he’ll move on.

      It’s not easy, but if you are committed to regaining your peace of mind and self-respect, and committed to getting him out of your life, you can do it.

      I wish you the best of luck. Warm wishes.

      • Torn 2 months ago

        Thankyou so much for your reply , I have been desperately looking for answers , you don’t know how much this site has helped me in the last 24hrs.
        I was reading about covert emotional manipulation tactics , and he fit every single one of those tactics listed there……every single one.
        It was like I was reading about my life for the past six months , well , it was my life for the last six months.
        If I didn’t find this website I would still be doubting myself on whether he loved me or not.
        Before I received a reply from you, I had contemplated on sending him a message to tell him how I felt , and unfortunately I did.
        I will share with you what I wrote and his reply.
        ME: You know, I really hope that some day you get to experience the pain and hurt that you unashamedly inflict on us woman,i am so glad that I finally realised that it wasn’t LOVE that I was feeling,and I could finally open up my eyes and see you for what you really are.
        How a person can get enjoyment from watching ones pain,is beyond me.To manipulate somebody into thinking they love you is sickening.
        I know you will refuse to accept the truth as you are never able to take responsibility for your behaviour or actions and always make somebody else responsible for it.
        You always said to me that you are not worthy of my love,you were right.
        You should be ashamed of yourself.
        But your probably sitting there,smiling to yourself,planning your next move.

        His reply: You should be ashamed of yourself for thinking my love for you was fake.
        Don’t talk to me again.

        Me: I have no intentions of doing so
        Wouldn’t waste my time

        His reply: So be it

        I understand now that sending the message would have no emotional effect on him at all.
        But it did make ME feel a bit better. I don’t know why. Probably because any normal person would be effected y those words.

        And one thing I did forget to mention, just in case anybody was wondering , is our age , this man is 51 and I am 46 , and I have never experienced this type of person throughout my life, ever, until now.

        I appreciate the link to the technique of “The Gray Rock” and I will deffinately be using that on him.
        I feel very anxious at the thought of seeing him at work tomorrow if he is there (I havn’t been into work since Saturday for this reason) and am hoping I can pull this off.
        Once again , Thankyou for your help, your kind words , and the site.

        • Author
          Admin 2 months ago

          Now that you know what he is, you know there is nothing to go back to. Stay strong! I wish you the best of luck.

  22. leana mitchelle 2 months ago

    I actually found your blog after googling, “how to tell if you being manipulated”. I found out earlier that my fiance had been forwarding my mothers calls to voicemail(which he completely denied). Im only 23 and I honestly thought I was loosing my mind, but its all in your blog. I feel like ive been living in hell since we moved out of my granny’s house 3 months ago. Everything started out so perfect. He did things id never had any man do for me. Honestly he still does(only less enthusiasticly now). He goes to the store when im tired or sick, buys me food or medicine, rubs my tummy when im cramping, sings me to sleep, takes me out when im bored, everyone know were together(accept of course the women he keeps talking to behind my back). Until last week when he lost his job he’s been completely supporting me as he promised he would take me away from home 1 year into our 2 1/2 year relationship. He calls me his wife to everyone we meet but guilt trips me when I say I dont have to stay forever cause were not married yet. He cries and holds me down so he can rub my stomach when we leave(he believes our babies are inside waiting to be born).he gets so mad when I say im leaving. When I pack my things he dumps out my bag and purse or threatens to throw me out without anything. The last time he cheated(he claims he never slept with another women but its kinda hard to believe when he’s made multiple ads on craigslist for sex). I was depressed for days until I had a break down and started breaking everything in the house. I just felt like it was all a lie. Why should our house be so perfect when our relationship leaves us with a broken home? He got so furious with me he ripped of all my clothes and tried to throw me out of the house naked(after pushing me into our fridge and knocking my head into a few walls). I started scratching my arm in secret because I didnt have the courage to cut myself. When he saw this he tired me in the closet naked and left me the for a while(we enjoy s&m so I didnt take it as such a scary thing at the time). Only now I dont know what real and whats not. I made the fatal mistake of saying I wanted to die once and he dragged me into the kitchen naked and threatened to slit my rists with a knife. Later he told me he only put the back (dull) end of the knife to scare me into not wanting to die. Even now as im telling you this it doesnt seem real. It all seems like it happen to someone else or he was just being dramatic. Im afraid though. Its 4:24 in the morning and I cant sleep. Im afraid the because I told him I wont believe his manipulations anymore he might hurt me. I cant go home, my family loves him. And the shame of going home only 3 months after we left with nothing. I have a job interview in the morning ant 11:15 and im awake staring at him sleeping peacfully on the floor afraid he wake up in the middle of the night and stab my stomach. Worst of all I still love this man deeply. He built my confidence to an all time high and then proceeded to tear me down again saying I look prettier without makeup or hair extensions. All the while chasing the girls who have the hair and makeup caked on like sluts. I do feel more in power reading your blog though. I pray I find a way out of this alive and not with his blood on my hand in the middle of the night. No one know my stuggle. All our freinds envy us and say we are the perfect sickoning couple. My only confidant is his ex with whom I am now friends with. Amazingly she’s engaged to another sweet guy but says she still battles with what my fiance put her through mentally with his cheating in they’re relationship. She still hangs out with I and my fiance and her and even says she longs to have my fiance’s friendship again. Im so confused and I just pray I find some help soon. Thank you for your blong and alowing us to vent here and find guidence. YOU ARE AN ANGEL. <3

    • Author
      Admin 2 months ago

      I hear the pain and confusion in your words, and my heart goes out to you. I’m sorry you’re enduring this.

      You CAN go home, and you MUST, immediately, today. You must put pride, shame, and anything else aside and get away from this creep immediately. What people think is not what’s important. Living in a lie to uphold the image your friends and family have is no reason to stay with him. He’s destroying you. You say you don’t know what’s real, but it sounds to me you know exactly what’s real — you just don’t want it to be real, understandably, but it is reality.

      You say you pray you will find some help soon. Well, you’ve found it, not only here in my words, but more importantly in your own ability to help YOURSELF by getting yourself out of this situation today. There is no alternative. None. This ‘man’ you’re with sounds like a very disturbed character. Is this what you wanted for yourself, what you imagined for your life? You are not able to see clearly now. You need to stay away from him — no contact — and then you will be able to see things clearly, and when you do, you will be so happy you walked away, and so shocked at what you became willing to put up with.

      I’m glad the blog is helping you. Thank you for your kind words. I’ll be rooting for you, and I wish you all the best. Warm wishes to you.

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