Emotional Rape

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Illustration of Red riding hood and the wolf as psychopath predator for the article, Emotional Rape“Ours were false relationships from the very beginning in which we were targeted, exploited and betrayed.”

~Donna Anderson, LoveFraud

The quote above gets right to the heart of the matter of emotional rape. These were never normal relationships that started with love and then just went wrong. Far from it. The psychopath is a predator who completely hides his or her true identity and motives as they target a victim with the intent of causing harm.

Contrary to what many believe, psychopaths are not out to use a victim for sex or anything else. Their goals are to dominate, control and humiliate so they can diminish and devalue their victim. Using the victim is only secondary.

In a profound act of betrayal, he only pretends to love her — and does a convincing job of it — in order to gain her love and trust, which is what makes carrying out his hidden agenda possible. He gains power and control through manipulation tactics and uses her for whatever he desires without any remorse, while he creates an ever-worsening emotional hell. His grandiosity swells as he watches her try in vain to save the relationship she truly believed was the best one of her life.

The predator gets bored with her after devaluing and diminishing her, and he needs the thrill of a fresh new victim. The psychopath must act out this manipulative cycle repetitively and compulsively in order to experience feelings of exhilaration and contempt (contemptuous delight), which perpetuate his feeling of grandiosity, according to Dr. Reid Moloy, a respected psychopathy researcher. The predator ends the relationship with a stunning and completely abnormal display of contempt as his final attempt to harm her. If he is using the relationship to provide an illusion of normalcy, he may stick around long-term. If the victim ends the relationship, his grandiosity will suffer and he will attempt to gain her trust again. A psychopath hates to lose control of a victim.

She is devastated as she comes to realize his love was never real and that he purposefully and heartlessly betrayed her. If she doesn’t realize it — and many victims don’t understand what really happened until years later, if ever — she blames herself, which makes healing difficult or even impossible.

Either way, she is left with a heart, soul and psyche ravaged by the predator.

The aftermath of emotional rape often includes rage, obsessive thoughts, lost self-esteem, fear, anxiety, the inability to love or trust, use of alcohol or drugs, physical illness, and irrational and extreme behavior such as total isolation and withdrawal or even suicide, according to Sandra Brown, M.A., expert in treating women who have been victimized.

A lack of support from friends and family makes things much worse. Some will blame her for choosing to have a relationship with a “jerk,” because they don’t know or can’t believe he was a predator capable of hiding his true identity. Some blame her for staying with him when she knew it was going bad, because they are unaware or unwilling to believe she was controlled like a puppet by his systematic manipulation. Others who fell for the psychopath’s charisma and powers of persuasion may blame her for losing a “good catch.” Whatever the case, no one realizes how severely traumatized she really is.

The trauma is severe, and the victim should pursue professional psychological help from a therapist familiar with abusive relationships and the trauma they cause.

“Sadly, some victims of psychopaths attempt suicide as a result of hopelessness, helplessness and the belief there is no way out. Some have reported to us that psychopaths have actually encouraged them to take their own lives or have indicated that they would put them through so much turmoil that their only recourse would be suicide.” ~ From Aftermath: Surviving Psychopathy, a website founded by David Kosson, Ph.D., professor of psychology and psychopathy researcher, which aims to provide help as well as education to those whose lives have been impacted by psychopathic individuals.

Even if you feel hopeless now, don’t give up. Many people have recovered from psychopathic abuse. If you are feeling suicidal, please get help.

Please read “The Emotional Rape Syndrome” if you suspect that you or someone you know has been through this horrific experience. The book describes emotional rape and its effects in detail, and contains several chapters on healing from emotional rape.

*Please note, I recognize that both males and females can be psychopathic and they victimize people of every gender. You are included here, even if the pronouns don’t fit. I wish you all the best.

© 2012 – 2015 ‘Psychopaths and Love’ All Rights Reserved

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46 comments on “Emotional Rape

  1. eric on said:

    After countless sessions with a therapist this makes more simplistic sense of what I had been going through in marriage. Very insightful and I wish the readers acknowledged. Wellness.

  2. Carrie on said:

    I went through this very scenario in a non-romantic setting. It was a person who wished I was his mom and we even regarded him as our child for almost three years. Everything mentioned in this article is exactly what happened. He was also seducing my teenaged daughter while convincing me I was crazy. He even faked a suicide attempt to keep me in my place. Our family is still split in half over his damage and it was three years ago. Our daughter is still with him and they have a child together. Our relationship is now very strained because she refuses to see him for who he is. His damage was devastating.

  3. Amanda Smith on said:

    Hello, I love your blog and saw it referenced on the Abuse No More fb page. My book Toxic…No More uses my life as a framework to show how we get into, stay in and get out of abusive relationships (trauma bonds/stockholme syndrome). Ironically it was originally taken on my a major publisher who behaved abusively (psychopathically – see the book Snakes in Suits) and I was obliged to sue them at the High Court for their dishonesty and financial abuse, repping myself for nearly four years and setting a precedent which helps others have easier access to justice. And I got a settlement. So I got to save my book, the intention is to combine my experience with the years of research and to spread a message of hope to others. When I survived a suicide attempt ten years ago I believed I lived for a reason, to pass on this info and sought to use my gift of writing to do so, to try to prevent some trauma for others. Unusually in a memoir there’s a reading list at the back, books which helped me to keep safe. There’s a bit of film interest, I’m told it’s because of the truth, the humour and the learning. Getting my book to it’s readers has been a long journey and I hope it now does some good. I’m with you all the way on psychopaths and my last partner (at least) who’s now deceased, was a psychopath and I highlight in the book, behaviors which others may recognise. I won’t say much more other than to say here’s the link to the book and I’d love to hear back from you. I wondered if you may be interested to feature it/discuss it on your blog. Emotional Rape is a good description, I sometimes call it brain-rape, which is what it is; the systematic, purposeful erosion of another person, like living through your own murder, over and over again, a living death.
    You’re doing great work here and I send you warm wishes, Amanda Smith


  4. I never knew such a thing as emotional rape existed until my relationship with a sociopath ended. We were only together for two years but the constant onslaught of lies, deceit, emotional swings from her, lack of reciprocity and personality shifts turned things sour in a real hurry. I was always at fault because I would react to being lied to or saw a lack of reciprocity. I’ve had the police called on me for no reason twice, almost had my vehicle stolen and house seized. You don’t realize what’s happening in this scenario because you love this person so much and will take any and all abuse to try and maintain the relationship. We’ve been apart for a month and I’m just starting to see and feel the ill effects of this toxic relationship. I have trouble sleeping, night sweats, severe anxiety and an over lack of sense of self. I was used in every imaginable way and now I feel like I’ve been robbed of my person, my soul, my mind and my being. To make matters worse, she has her masters in psychology…May God have mercy on that woman’s soul.

    • You are beginning a new part of this crazy journey…but it’s the part that does eventually lead you out of hell, if you’re determined to find your way out. You probably will go in even deeper for a while, though. Remember, the darkest hour is just before the dawn. It’s a wild ride that many, many others have been on, and most have lived to tell the tale. You will, too.

      Make up your mind now that no matter what, you will come through it alive and intact. Your determination will help guide you through those moments when you feel so bad that you don’t know what to do. Remember this: You don’t have to know at this point how you’ll get there; you only need to believe that you will. And if there are times you don’t believe it, that’s OK, too.

      Emotional rape is a serious thing, and not being heard or understood can make you feel very much alone. Keep reading and learning all that you can. And please find a therapist; severe anxiety and lack of sense of self need to be taken seriously. Find someone who deals with victims of abuse. If it doesn’t feel like a good fit, find someone else.

      Best Wishes.

      • Thank you so much for this site. I was involved with a woman who did exactly (almost to the tee) of what your website describes. Immediately tells me very personal details (which were lies) to get me to trust her. Begs me to trust her, etc. Amazingly, I immediately sensed something was wrong although I couldn’t put my finger on it – she was “love bombing” but the actions and words were slightly out of sync (i.e. I cant wait to come over tonight but wanted to leave shortly after arriving, etc). So I bid her goodbye and let her know something was wrong. This only resulted in her doubling-down on “love bombing” only for me to give in to her request to make it right, and then almost immediately the devaluation phase began. By that point I could still see something didn’t make sense and the gaslighting began finally resulting in her discarding me, practically destroying my life, my relationships with friends, and self-esteem. It’s been a long hard 9 months trying to get back to where I was before we met, and I’m darn close, although there are times I never felt I would make it. Just reading this website provides a lot of closure for me, like the final nail is in the coffin. Hope this is the end to that nightmare and a new beginning awaits. Thank you much for your articles.

        • Thanks. I’m glad you found some help here. It sounds like you’re doing well with putting this terrible experience behind you. You felt at times you wouldn’t make it, but now you’ve discovered how resilient you are. Best wishes on your new beginning.

    • Hi I feel for your situation I am just about to end my 3yr relationship . I have lost my identity and blame myself alot for allowing myself to be treated so badly. Danni

      • Hi Danni. Just wondering how you are doing? I just ended a 2.5 year relationship with a guy that treated me so well the first year but the last year and 6 months was nothing but emotional rape. I was always blamed and I started to think that it was my fault.

  5. Most of the writings are what I went through. 27 years together, 15 married. The last 8 years I have been isolated and the last 4 years he did everything he could to break me or get me to the point of suicide. He was so arrogant he left behind notes to his atty how much fun he had coming by my house without a scheduled appointment, with the mistress, saying how he enjoyed making me freak out and the cop saw what a bi**h I was for not allowing him in the house, and a second note describing how they had planned on having a friend “Joe” to come here and drown me in my pool to look like an accident. That was the third attempt by him and her to try to kill me.
    At this point he has had no accountability for anything. He is textbook, with family background and life history, a narcissistic sosiopath.
    Now with a attorney of my own we will show the court how diabolical he was along with his psychopathic mistress. I am seeing a PTSD specialist, a psychiatrist, and I do not leave my house for anything other than appointments and minimal shopping. This fear of his abuse and his sociopathic behaviors still take my days. I am waiting for my divorce, for the final foreclosure settlement, and all I want is fairness, justice, and to feel safe. I still have days I cannot understand why I did not see what was right in front of my nose. I just believed he was going through a bad midlife crisis. Except he had always been going through some problem he caused and expected me to fix it.
    I am in a Divorce Recovery group, I do my spiritual thing which he couldn’t break, and I make myself go outside and play in my gardens. I do not cry, I don’t feel anything right now, but I have my Grace, my dignity and integrity that holds me together when times are bad. So many people experiencing this type of relationship, I swear I wish they would incorporate this information into classes in High Schools. My one goodie goodie moment was finding out that his psychopathic girlfriend was using him, blackmailing him with his crossdressing pictures, ( I didn’t know) and she chewed him up and spat him out. Toooooo bad! Of course he believes that is my fault, because she hated me more than liking him, so she played him until I had enough, when she found out I ended it all, she dumped him. Then she told him just that. Now he plays smoke and mirrors with money and addresses. He even has a group of people lying for him and hiding him?! He is classic statistics.

  6. Michelle on said:

    I met a man online two years ago through a psychic forum and he convinced me that we were twin flames, but I suspect that there were more who played along with this. I think these predators can play in groups online and prey on people. Some call them trolls, but since this was a forum about the paranormal, I saw some things that happened and experienced things that are so far removed from regular life that I can’t explain it. They said it was kundalini and astral projection.

    The sad thing is that I think he hated me from the beginning and I remember having that gut instinct but I ignored it because I wanted to believe him. I was isolated and depressed at the time and not in a healthy relationship and I was on this forum for support but actually wound up in heated debates with people over politics and there was this one woman who really hated me and put up bloody bunny pictures after my posts and others laughed with her. This man was on there too and he seemed to pander to her but when I questioned him he said I was insecure and judgmental and pretty much made me feel guilty and crazy.

    So my problem is compounded with the fact that this relationship was internet based and he may be into black magic as well.

  7. Lady32 on said:

    Great website, straight to the point, clear and honest. Tells it like it is. All so very true. Having just come out of all this mess my heart sinks as I read it, one of the hardest things i’ll ever have to go through somehow accepting this has happened to me but it has, down to a T. A lot of inner strength and spirituality needed to get through it and I’m very determined to get my sleep and peace back for me and for my six month old boy who he disguarded, we are both worth so so so much more than what he had us go through, very sick twisted people and sending love and strength to all those out there who have been involved with such a person (if you can call them that.) Love yourself, you are NOT what they had you believe and others believe you are.. it’s all LIES! xx

  8. Great website, very clear, honest and straight to the point. All so very true. Having just come out of all this mess my heart sinks as I read it, but i’m aware of what has happened and I will get my sleep and my peace back for me and for my six month old baby boy whom he disguarded. We are worth so so so much more than what he has put us through and how he has treated us. I hope that anyone else who has had the misfortune of being manipulated by these sick twisted individuals does not believe what the manipulator has made them and others think about themselves – it is all LIES!! These people can’t truly get close to anyone because once they do they will be exposed for what they are, their “friends” they will use to manipulate against you aswell, and sit back looking at their “success” that they got people against a such a good person – (and while you’re going through hell you can expect them all to be giving the manipulator all the consolation in the world for having been with such a ‘horrible person who has wronged them’) big time losers, the one I know has a wife (who I believed was an ex wife) who agrees with anything and everything he does, I think she has been a huge enabler of his disgusting behaviour and has huge issues of her own.. toxic, toxic people in disguise who a minute of happiness with can bring months worth of pain. Love and strength to anyone going through it. xxx

    • “We are worth so so so much more than what he has put us through and how he has treated us.” You most certainly are.

      “I hope that anyone else who has had the misfortune of being manipulated by these sick twisted individuals does not believe what the manipulator has made them and others think about themselves – it is all LIES!!” This is the crux of the matter. Too many are left beaten down by it because they believe it.

      “…while you’re going through hell you can expect them all to be giving the manipulator all the consolation in the world for having been with such a ‘horrible person who has wronged them’” This is a common experience. They make us look like the crazy ones. They manipulate us and everyone else. We know it now, but the others are unaware they’re being taken as fools.

      I am hoping he will stay away from you and the baby. Stay strong!

  9. JS victim on said:

    I have a problem with the term “emotional rape” BECAUSE…..the way I see it,,,,, it is also, and even more so in my case, physical rape. There is no difference in my opinion between someone putting drugs in your beer and then having sex with you and someone deceiving you into thinking they are someone different than who they really are, that their intensions are other than what they lead you to believe they are, their “feelings” are different than they pretend they are, etc. etc. etc….ALL THE WHILE, enjoying the bennifits of a sexual relationship that would NOT be taking place if they were being honest.

  10. JSvictim on said:

    He Tried to make me look/ feel like some crazy wacko for dropping all his shi* off in his mother’s driveway!! LOL……Hello?? What planet do you think I’m from?? One that has women who don’t “act out” when they’ve been wronged?? He’s lucky that’s all i did! Another woman would have had his gonads in a bait bag.
    I guess it’s just aggravating that there is absolutely NO justice! there is no holding them accountable for their heinous games, their pathetic life destroying existence. No rape kit, nor police report…. I HOPE I’m there if and when karma catches up with him. I’d be lying if I said that it wouldn’t make my day seeing him pulled over by the sherif doing a field sobriety test. I’d just have to circle back around to ask him if there was anyone he’s like me to call for him…..maybe mother?
    So I’m supposed to forgive him……not for his sake but for mine. I guess it’s just WAY too soon.

    • You don’t have to forgive him — it’s entirely up to you whether you want to or not. You were victimized and all that went with it, and now on top of all that, you have to find it in your heart to forgive. If someone has no remorse, there is no reason to forgive. Just let time go by, and one day when you feel indifferent and there will be no need for forgiveness. Read here: http://philosophy.cah.ucf.edu/fpr/files/10_1/stanlick.pdf It is way too soon, and I suspect that in many cases “forgiveness” is indifference.

  11. AngelJ on said:

    to all of you who feel it is sexist. It is not sexist at all. the majority of emotional rapists are men. In some societies emotional rape is encouraged and taught to young boys/men as the way to treat women.

    Men are more prone to becoming emotional rapists because generally men do not cut friendships and association with another man for his sociopath lifestyle choice (And It Is A Choice) and treatment of their partners male/female.

    Women emotional rapists also tend to attack women, why? simple as a whole despite all the equal rights society is society and in the global society women are raised to be more forgiving, give second chances, be more tolerant. Men on the otherhand are raise to be tough be a man go for what you want at all costs (excluding crime + remaining polite) ineffect men are mostly raised put themselves first and women to put themselves first…with a great big…but make sure everyone likes you. Women who go about life like men are (majority) raised to, are called bitches. Men who go about life like men (majority) raised to are called strong men.

    • Very insightful. Thank you for your comments.

    • Worthheld on said:

      Your observations are spot on, much of so called recent Western civilization is based on exactly those tenets, just as the patriarchal model of ownership over everything depends on keeping women silenced and on their backs. It is why war on women is a form of government against all matriarchal societies, and is why congress reflects male war values and disregards womens core unity values. Its become a social structure to deny women their participation rights, and if they do the norm is to tear them to pieces for it.
      Leaving 1/2 the worlds women alienated instead of defacto honored. Meanwhile there is clear indication even from the comments on this board that pysch ops is being run on women through the internet and media, which seeks to continually hold a pattern of traumatization in every thing shown – including the constant message to be afraid and portrayal of them as victims. Interestingly, women who fight back against their abusers often find them selves in jail- 82% of residents according to one activist group, and get stiffer and longer sentences. In that way the justice system was set up by men to support other men in an effort to control women and send the message that any self defensive behavior by women will not be tolerated. In other words- take the abuse and like it. Nothing reflects this more, *to me*, in this screwed up world, than 50 shades of greasy grey. It reflects the sadomasochistic nature of modern capitalism and its expectations of women to love their subservient role in it. And then there is the special hell of dominated women who play nice with the men so they can sell their daughters off to the same cycle of violence. Any one who disagrees with that is labeled a bitch and worse. Some women do escape by self-teaching all the forbidden knowledge men horded for themselves and have forbidden women to amass as social capital. There is a price to pay for all of this of course, no good deed goes unpunished. The term is actually called success punishment, and it is only ever done to women. I knew that though from growing up as the youngest of 3, that my brothers hatred of me knew no boundaries culminating in beatings, sexual abuse, constant threats, killing of my pets, abuse by proxy in leveling false accusations that are so outlandish to even listen to the lies and shit that comes out of their decietful mouths in an attempt to cover up their tracts – that is the emotional rape right there. They even tried to teach my own son to do this to me, mistake of ever letting him spend too much time with his grandmother I was wiser with the second one went to childcare away from her. Best example of poor judgment: granny thought it was okay to take my child to meet the uncle who abused his mother as a child, and its okay to do this behind my back with out my express permission. Of course she hates me when I put my foot down and say NO. But that is how the cycle gets going, passed down by the cooperative cowering women who can not even stand their own girl child when she says NO. Sorry relics these mothers, that they believe their daughters aught to have the same shitty life they did, and I simply refuse to cower so that is why their sneaky as to how to get back at me in the most conniving ways. But in all of that we still have to find pity and compassion for mothers like mine because we know they had an even shittier life too. Way worse in many ways. All I have ever craved from her is an I’m sorry honey, I love you so much, never wanted to have you go through any of that, and then give me a hug, any form of comfort, but she is unable to do that. Worse, in her powerlessness, she is cold and manipulative, if she cant get her way, goes to the other brother and lies to him that I am being mean and incites him to scream and threaten violence against me – more recently just for asking her to stop telling me about what this one did or that one did, or what a “good wife” should do- she only does that to the girls and sister in laws in the family – not her sons, they are perfect and do no wrong. That war generation, *in my opinion*, so traumatized, raised the current abusive male one – so afraid to stand up to their own male sons.
      So yes, thats why I am reading up on emotional rape today, to recover my my fire again, and move on to the next stage in my life where I see will be having to battle my brother who keeps taking money from mom that is actually money I set aside for her to live on, but he knows its there and its somehow burning a whole in “his” pocket. I get no thank yous or respect for surviving all the abuse and still be successful enough to have done that for her- nor do I any at this point expect any. He will stoop to anything at this point to brainwash her in to giving him more, and at the end of the day, its only money, let him have it right? That seems to be how entire capitalist society got set up in the first place, doesn’t it. Starve the girls?
      The tactics are abuse, gaslighting, battering of wives, rape and emotional rape, all the things done, cheating, none of that seems to matter because women depend on men like that for protection, for housing, for health care, as fathers of their children..these are the men that are out there for women, and they were raised by very patriarchallly damaged shells of human beings whose ability to withstand onslaught has left them debilitated and humiliated to the point that pornography and violence has replaced actual relationships. There is always some other shell of a body to use up and discard. That is where we all are at trying to fix the broken in a paradigm of narcicistic hate, and in the case of the older generation, its hard to get them to listen, hardened by world war memories that think placating the egos of men will possibly work but full well knowing they would rather wage a war and kill strangers than work on their own spiritual issues. In the case of women, they are just as much able to die for their beliefs as the next person – the only difference is it will be family or intimate partner violence which will kill them before actual war would. The world knows that is how bad the silencing of women is, and how deep it runs in the human family. World has to take notice of what it has been doing, stop it for once and for all. Men must be honest enough to see their role in the larger picture, women have to be bolder and more honest about what has being going on in their lives too, not afraid to tell it to world as it is…as hard as it is to hear it, this is their story, this is their truth.

      • I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with such abuse from your own family. Yes, definitely keep your children away. Many people who wouldn’t take abuse from others feel somehow obliged to accept it as adults from their parents or other family members, because of misguided societal pressure (“honor thy father and mother — no matter what”). The conditions for women are deplorable across the globe. We need a new paradigm. I wish you all the best in recovering your fire.

  12. Malevictim on said:

    I now know that I was the victim of such a Psychopath. I am a man recently divorced and dealing with depression which has left me pretty vulnerable and open to abuse. I met this new woman on a night out and ended up back at hers that night on her insistence. She is a very confident, charming, intelligent and beautiful woman who had no problems socialising or reeling me in with her patter. The new “relationship” lasted just over two intense weeks where I found myself smothered with affection, adoration and intense sex. My “great qualities” were many and she was “falling” for me so easily that I missed the initial red flags until one night something clicked in my head and nothing made sense. Everything about her became improbable and her stories sounded more and more exaggerated. Red flags were popping up everywhere and her intimate behaviour and demeanour was starting to make me feel really unsettled although I tried to ignore it. The Love Bombing, Triangulation, the way she talked intimately about her past and other people so quickly, the questioning about my ex’s, her behaviour out of context etc. It was all there. I believe she saw a little of the turmoil in my head so she embarked on a new course of action to end the relationship, blaming her crazy ex for throwing a spanner in the works. At the end of a long and “deep” final conversation she acted so coldly and behaved so unconcerned in comparison to her conversation that I knew I had been duped. Now I feel emotionally raped and unsettled. I am now questioning my own sanity and feel so upset that I have allowed this to happen to me just when I thought I was getting over my marriage breaking up. It sounds crazy that a two week thing could be so intense and wrong but it was. Women are just as capable of being psychopaths as are men and if possible could the site reflect it in its wording as most of the writing gives a woman’s point of view.

    • Actually, it doesn’t sound crazy AT ALL that a two-week involvement with a psychopath could be so damaging.

      “I am now questioning my own sanity and feel so upset that I have allowed this to happen to me just when I thought I was getting over my marriage breaking up.”
      Many of us (if not all of us) felt exactly the same way when it ended and we realized we’d been duped. But the truth is, you didn’t “allow” it to happen. I’ve said many times on this website that I don’t think there’s anyone who couldn’t be victimized by one of these manipulators. Emotional rape is a very serious thing, and blaming ourselves for it only makes it worse and does nothing to help us. But even so, it’s a phase we all go through. In time, as you gain more understanding of what happened, you’ll be able to resolve these feelings.

      As far as writing from the female point of view, I do have some disclaimers here and there saying readers are free to replace ‘he’ with ‘she.’ I realize my male readers are sensitive to the “he’ point of view, but it is exhausting and very distracting to write using ‘s/he’ or switching from ‘he’ to ‘she.’ Please keep in mind that I’m a fellow victim, not a journalist or a psychologist. It’s quite natural for me to say ‘he,’ and if writing this website were a tedious experience, it would never have existed. So I hope you will understand I never meant to exclude or be insensitive to men. The writing was simply flowing, and naturally it came from my experience.

      Warm wishes to you.

  13. After 15 years of friendship, and the four years of dating that followed, have listene to that quiet voice that told me to run.

    Psychopathy is a spectrum however, which in no way eliminates the trauma I have endured with someone I belived in. Thought all rational facts had led me to the right choice–even though 15 years later I found myself feeling no physical attraction to him. His passionate words, and actions,( short lived with am egotistical “your not good enough attitude” soon to follow) I fell for all the trappings- those were his words! After he coldly dismissed me with the emotional connection of a dead man, he no longer loved me. The day before- I was the woman of his dreams. Made up bullshit about searching for me all those years, but woops! Accidentally knocked up a girl at a bar? Got married an had 3 kids.

    Of course that was his mothers fault;) needless to say we dyed through the divorce, I became a maid and a place to test his D;** and his rag doll.

    I used to admire his ability to cut off his emotions, and in a sick way–I still do. Because after all is said and done, I lost 4 years of my 30’s, had a nervous breakdown, lost the especially of all my family an friends, and began cutting myself.

    Oh well- better luck never again time;) thanks for being a place to let the pain out, and not be misunderstood, especially since I’m sounding cynical.

    • So sorry to hear of what you’ve been through. You will make your way through it eventually, and come out the other side to a better life. Have faith in yourself. Warm wishes to you.

  14. I’m still with him, but I’m waking up. All of this if very helpful. It is horrible how this person has taken from me my self esteem, my dignity and practically everything else. My wake up call came about six months ago when he started putting his ex back into the picture. The one woman on earth that was the craziest b**** ever, or so I was told when we first met. Now I just have to find enough courage to walk out.

  15. Thank you for taking the time to create this blog. I’m currently experiencing this situation and I feel so lost, confused and frightened. As a result my physical health has been deteriorating and I’m constantly getting sick. I’ve been married for 8 years but we’ve been together for 11, our relationship didn’t necessarily start on the right track and it has always follow a bumpy road. Now after 11 years we have 3 year old son which makes my decision of separating from him more difficult. I just feel so guilty for causing the separation between them two and I’m afraid as to how this may affect my son in the future. I have full support from my mom, she has always seen things in him that never register with her, however she has always respected him and the relationship and always maintain a distance. But whenever I’m down or going through a rough patch she always says ” I know you’re not happy, just know I’m here to support you and take care of you whenever you need me” she is definitely my hero and a blessing in my life. Him, on the other hand can be so charming and change everything around in a blink of an eye. I feel so lost I just pray to God that one day I have the strength to put and end to all of this and give myself a second chance in life. For now, I’m grateful I found your blog I will continue reading and finding validation, perhaps that will help me make up my mind.

  16. I’m thinking that I’ve suffered emotional (I would say psycho-spiritual) rape recently. I was seeing a massage therapist and the first time we met he started telling things about me, personality attributes, things I’ve struggled with, triumphs, deep, very private things about me that I never would have consented to telling him. Said he could plot it all on my body. Being naked and having him stand over me made it all the worse — I was so vulnerable and while I consented to having him touch my body, I never EVER gave my consent to him digging into my psyche and laying it out to be examined. I felt like I had been spiritually and psychologically vivisected for his amusement.

    I’m having trouble thinking that it happened at all, and I might have dismissed it as a fabrication if not for the panic attacks and how difficult it is to resume my daily life. I don’t see him anymore. And, I don’t think he had malicious intent — it is his disconnect with how his piercing words have an impact on his clients that makes him so dangerous.

    For two months I agonized over what was causing me to feel so violated, so exposed. As soon as I used the word “rape” my agony subsided and I felt suddenly exhausted. And then I started having panic attacks. I can’t help but think that this is real. That it happens. And even though there are many in the rape community who balk at the idea of emotional rape and feel as though it does a disservice to physical rape to use that word, I can’t think of any other word for it, intentional or not.

    • Violet, you bring up some very important points. I agree, ‘psycho-spiritual rape’ is a much better term for it. And the only way you could know that if you experienced it. It can happen quickly, like it did with you — it doesn’t have to take weeks or months or years. If you’re still having panic attacks, please go talk about it with a therapist who specializes in trauma, because you are clearly traumatized. Best wishes to you.

  17. alana on said:

    this is exactly what i went through. 7 years into the relationship i tried to hang on cause i thought if you love someone that much, you should never let go. I guess i was holding on, hoping things would go back to how they were in the beginning. I was manipulated, used, lied too, cheated on, used sexually to fulfill this persons sexual fantasies (I’ve hated myself for ever letting it happen because this person was the first relationship I’ve ever had with). If i ever confronted this person about things that they were doing that hurt me, they’d turn it into a fight and make it seem like it was my fault and became verbally and mentally abusive. It was hell, my friends and family could see right through this person and always tried to pull me out of the relationship but it was too late, it got so bad that my mental health deteriorated, and i nearly ended my life. What made me realize this person didn’t care for me at all is when i ended up in the hospital, they didn’t care to visit or call at all. That was the wake up call i needed and i realized if i don’t leave there will be nothing left of me. So i ended the relationship through a text and changed my number. I don’t ever want to see this person ever again. a couple months ago they tried to contact me by calling my sisters phone to reach me, and i told the person to stay away from me through email. Cause that’s what he expects, for me forgive him and start the same cycle all over again. I’m still feeling the effects of it 2 years later. Now my mind seems to be scattered. I have no internal peace, i’m isolated from everyone who cares about me, i don’t allow myself to trust or to love, or even let anyone touch me. I have a hard time leaving the house. I feel humiliated for not seeing this sooner i’m always blaming myself. I feel like my life is hopeless and most times i don’t even see the point in going on. But i try to keep going on cause maybe one day life will get better. I have nothing else going on for me but that bit of hope. I know i need help but i’m too scared to receive it.

    • I’m sorry you went through this, Alana. It’s deeply traumatic. You were strong and you ended it, and you continue to stay away from him. Now you’re in this in-between phase, feeling isolated and mistrustful, and are blaming yourself. This is a normal response after what you’ve experienced! You’re ready to move forward, but you’re not sure how. Your life is far from hopeless! Many of us went through those dark days, and in that state of mind it can be hard to feel positive about yourself or the future. Just know that you’ll make it through, even if you’re not sure how right now.

      I hope you’ll take a look at the following; I think it might help.

      Through the Labyrinth: A Road Map to Guide You

      If possible, please find a therapist who specializes in abusive relationships. When support is lacking, a good and empathetic therapist can be a godsend.
      And please read this article about self-blame — EMERGENCY: Self Blame There is honestly no reason to be blaming yourself. If you can move from that to a mindset of self-compassion, it will do you so much good.

      I wish you all the best, and I hope you’ll come back and let me know how you’re doing.

  18. Laura on said:

    I do not have the money or insurance to pay for therapy, so finding these posts and pages have been so helpful. Thank you so much. Since there is no one that I can really talk to about it (aside from normal breakup talk which people don’t understand isn’t helpful), I feel so much better having found this entire website. I feel a little more validated with every page I read and a little less like I am the crazy one. What’s been really hard for me is the going back and forth between “he is so bad for me, and he doesn’t have any regret for having made me feel this way, I will never talk to him again” to responding when he texts me and going over when I know that I shouldn’t. This is the first week that I have actually been able to say no…or nothing…when he wants to see me, and I thank you for that. This website, all of it, has really helped me to understand what is going on and that it’s not my fault, and that no matter what I do he is not going to change, and that is not my fault either. Thank you.

    • I’m so glad the site is helping you, Laura! Stay strong; it takes a while with no contact to break the bond. It might help if you block his number. I know how difficult it is. You might want to read this blog post: Intensity or Intimacy? It talks about how these aren’t relationships, but addictions. I hope for all good things to come into your life, as you make room for them by keeping him out. Best wishes to you.

  19. Darkest Shade of Grey on said:

    Thank you…

    • You’re welcome. I know it’s awful, but I hope it helped you figure things out.

      • Darkest Shade of Grey on said:

        People used certain spiritual things against me; if you want you could call it a cult belief, took advantage of my innocence and purity and ended up damaging my mind to the point I’ve been suffering from psychosis for almost three years. Schizophrenia, manic depression, the event really scarred me.

        But, just recently, I had to accept that what happened to me was bad, but others have gone through worse and still can make a life for themselves worth living. As much as I don’t see happiness in the future, and feel like there’s no point in trying. I still do.

        I’m not sure why. After what happened I’ve been trying to illuminate the darker teachings of some of these people out there, its sad and scary how this stuff can happen to people and no one would ever really know or be able to comprehend it.

        But, its people like you that keeps hope for some of us out there who are suffering and don’t understand why.
        Really, there is no reason, things like this just happen. Sadly to the best of us.

        Please continue to show others the potential causes and hidden pain people could be feeling from others who invaded their minds and violated their souls, and that it was real and that we can grow and become stronger.

        • I’m so sorry you’ve suffered so much. I’m glad to hear you’re still trying, and I believe there is a point! The point is YOU, the point is your LIFE. You and your life are precious. They’re yours. Do not let the people in your past take them from you. Leave them behind, and turn and look forward. I can’t tell you how much it means to me to keep hope going for you. If I knew I had to write this entire website again just for you, I would do it. I’m serious. Because YOU are worth it. I will continue writing, and I want you to continue believing you have good reasons to keep trying and keep growing and keep becoming stronger. I wish you all the best of everything. I offer you my light so you will find your way. I feel in my heart that you will.

  20. The short paragraph toward the end of the article that starts with, “The aftermath of emotional rape…” This also describes what happens to adult children of pathological parents.

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