Emotional Rape

Illustration of Red riding hood and the wolf as psychopath predator for the article, Emotional Rape

“Ours were false relationships from the very beginning in which we were targeted, exploited and betrayed.”

~Donna Anderson, LoveFraud

The quote above gets right to the heart of the matter of emotional rape. These were never normal relationships that started with love and then just went wrong. Far from it. The psychopath is a predator who completely hides his or her true identity and motives.

A psychopath may target a victim with the intent of using them and causing harm, or they may initially experience genuine attraction. Even if they do, their inability to love or to form an attachment guarantees that things will end badly. Whatever their motivation, their goals are to manipulate, dominate and control, and they will end up devaluing and abusing their victim.

In a profound act of betrayal, he or she only pretends to love (even if they start out with genuine attraction, since psychopaths don’t have the ability to love) — and does a convincing job of it — in order to gain your love and trust, which is what makes carrying out their manipulative agenda possible. They gain power and control through manipulation and use their victim for whatever they desire without any remorse, while creating an ever-worsening emotional hell. Their grandiosity swells as they watch their victim try in vain to save the relationship they truly believed was the best one of their lives.

The predator gets bored and devalues and abuses the victim, and needs the thrill of someone new. The psychopath must act out this manipulative cycle repetitively and compulsively in order to experience feelings of exhilaration and contempt (contemptuous delight), which perpetuate his or her feeling of grandiosity, according to Dr. Reid Moloy, a respected psychopathy researcher. The psychopath often ends the relationship with a stunning and completely abnormal display of contempt, coldness or indifference. If he or she is using the relationship to provide an illusion of normalcy, they may stick around long-term. If the victim ends the relationship, the psychopath’s grandiosity will suffer and they may attempt to return. Often, they restore their grandiosity by moving on to someone new, without looking back.

The victim is devastated as he or she comes to realize the psychopath’s love was never real and that they were heartlessly abused and betrayed. If they don’t realize it — and many victims don’t understand what really happened until years later, if ever — they continue blaming themselves for the demise of what once seemed to be an ideal relationship, which makes real healing difficult or even impossible.

Either way, they are left with a heart, soul and psyche ravaged by a predator.

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The aftermath of emotional rape often includes rage, obsessive thoughts, lost self-esteem, fear, anxiety, the inability to love or trust, use of alcohol or drugs, physical illness, and irrational and extreme behavior such as total isolation and withdrawal or even suicide, according to Sandra Brown, M.A., an expert in treating women who have been victimized.

A lack of support from friends and family makes things much worse. Some will blame the victim for choosing to have a relationship with a “jerk,” because they don’t know or can’t believe he was a predator capable of hiding his true identity. Some blame her for staying with him when she knew it was going bad, because they are unaware or unwilling to believe she was controlled by systematic manipulation. Others who fell for the psychopath’s charisma and powers of persuasion may blame the victim for losing a “good catch.” Whatever the case, no one realizes how severely traumatized they really are.

The trauma can indeed be severe, and if it is, you should pursue professional psychological help from a therapist who is familiar with disorders involving a lack of empathy (psychopathy, narcissism), abusive relationships and the trauma they cause.

“Sadly, some victims of psychopaths attempt suicide as a result of hopelessness, helplessness and the belief there is no way out. Some have reported to us that psychopaths have actually encouraged them to take their own lives or have indicated that they would put them through so much turmoil that their only recourse would be suicide,” according to Aftermath: Surviving Psychopathy, a website founded by David Kosson, Ph.D., professor of psychology and psychopathy researcher, which aims to provide help as well as education to those whose lives have been impacted by psychopathic individuals. 

If you feel hopeless now, don’t give up. Many people have recovered from psychopathic abuse, even after believing it wasn’t possible. If you are feeling suicidal, please get help right away.

Please read “The Emotional Rape Syndrome” if you suspect that you or someone you know has been through this horrific experience. The book describes emotional rape and its effects in detail, and contains several chapters on healing from emotional rape.

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“Excellent, excellent book! It brought me understanding and closure!”

“Invaluable. Having been in a relationship with a psychopath for many years, I desperately needed some insight into what had happened and why. I have gained a tremendous amount of strength and knowledge toward healing from years of abuse by reading this book. One of the best.”

“Five Stars. Very helpful.”

“Insightful and informative!”

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94 Comments

  1. eric

    After countless sessions with a therapist this makes more simplistic sense of what I had been going through in marriage. Very insightful and I wish the readers acknowledged. Wellness.

    • Admin

      Glad it helped, and very sorry you experienced this. Know that you can and will move beyond it and that life can be good again.

  2. Carrie

    I went through this very scenario in a non-romantic setting. It was a person who wished I was his mom and we even regarded him as our child for almost three years. Everything mentioned in this article is exactly what happened. He was also seducing my teenaged daughter while convincing me I was crazy. He even faked a suicide attempt to keep me in my place. Our family is still split in half over his damage and it was three years ago. Our daughter is still with him and they have a child together. Our relationship is now very strained because she refuses to see him for who he is. His damage was devastating.

    • Ann

      That is truly awful… I am so sorry. I can’t imagine the pain seeing your child be taken into it so deeply. My son is 10 and because I didn’t break from my immediate P family members he was sexually abused and…. abused in general all around. He was 6 when I literally changed my name and made my great escape… But, I can see he attracts the ‘wrong’ types of friends all the time and so I must keep our life fairly limited regarding his socializing with too many kids. I want to try to teach him to stay away from these types of humans. I hope I succeed. Good luck to you. I am sure she will eventually come back, but very broken. Let her live this thing out until then. Don’t “Push” her to though. The P will only use your efforts to make her paranoid not to trust you. Just let her come back when she hits her breaking point. Much love….

      • Adelyn Birch

        What’s happening with your son attracting the “wrong” types happened to many of us who grew up with disordered people—they seem “normal” to us, acceptable, as if that’s just what people are like; and of course they’re ready to jump in and take advantage of that, and of the vulnerabilities created by abuse. I wish you all the best teaching him to stay away from them. The core of the issue, in my opinion, is one’s sense of self-worth. That most likely needs attention after his history. Much love to you and your son, Ann.

        • Ann

          Yes… I recently actually fully realized its due to his sense of self worth… I had made the mistake a few times of being so hard on him about it because of my fears overpowering me. My frustrations end up causing him more harm. We have escaped these people, and sever situations of abuse. I find that I can become the aggressor with dealing with the aftermath of it all… his first 6 years of life from age 1 to 6, was truly a nightmare. He is 10 now but from 6 to now has been a constant healing process. These years have been harder for me as I was totally in the dark with the things these people were doing overtly to him, covertly to me… In between our healing time these Abusers in my family even had child services fcss come after us for a whole year, investigating ‘my sanity’ we got through it but it disrupted our healing journey for sure and just added a ton of stress to life. Frustrations definitely came about in the fragile time more easily. Our stresses, angers and aggravations ended up lashing out upon each other during that time instead… just really effected our flow of healing together. Enhanced trust issues too. He was actually really beginning to do pretty well with other kids finally just before these fcss workers. Its now just another experience to heal from.

          • Adelyn Birch

            Sorry to hear of all the trouble you and your son have had, Ann. Maybe a kind, qualified therapist could help him along. You may want to try gaining some support from a therapist or DV support group, too. I hope you’ll find the help you need, that will help both of you heal.

            • Ann

              I have seen some through my time enough to know I don’t like taking that rout to healing. He had seen a therapist the fcss made me put him in 8 sessions. It was awful and my son started having uncomfortable hallucinating there after. I guess the last session she told him that he HAD TO tell her the sexual abuses done by his bio-f In Detail. He did, he told her things that he said had never even been comfortable telling me. Things that he’d never want to express in actual verbal detail…. Than her reaction was “Oh interesting” in a totally cold manner. He behaved off for a few weeks after. Than He told me about that, and we worked through it, then he was alright. My Star Ki # is 3.3.5 having a temper, depression is woven in my make up. My Anger has gotten me through most everything in my life because it has driven my determinations. No ones perfect. I trust myself far more than any therapist I have learned with our healing… I found as long as I always apologize to him if my temper gets the better of a situation, he’s alright. He knows that he as well as I have gone through horrible things, and the sorrow is deeply embedded. The best thing we can do for each other is to be understanding and compassionate towards one another for our… inescapable flaws.

              STAR KI Look Up Jean Haner

              • Ann

                Also, that therapist, didn’t even put into the reports for fcss to verify that Yes he was without a doubt, sexually abused. This was the very reason I was being investigated. My Narc mother and other family members, that had sexually abused him, called fcss on me saying I was brainwashing, manipulating him, Telling him to LIE about these abuses…. So what was her intention? To gratify her own ego? On first session I told her my spiritual practise doesn’t coincide with traditional therapy, and that we partake in Animal therapy… I said with only 8 session of him knowing you I don’t think he’ll be comfortable to tell you many details as it took him 3 years for him to finally tell me something. I was saying this to tell her please don’t push my son into talking in to much detail. I think I had even said that. What does she do. The exact thing I asked her to please not do. And she did it with sheer tact. as she had totally gained his trust up to that last session, we really liked her. Sick.

                • Adelyn Birch

                  You’ve been through an awful lot, Ann. You had a bad experience with the therapist from fcss, but that doesn’t mean they’re all bad. All I can say is that you’re not alone and that I wish you and your son healing and peace.

              • Adelyn Birch

                That’s terrible, what the therapist did to your son.

                I have no idea what a Star Ki is, but I wonder if believing that “having a temper” and that depression is “woven into your makeup” will keep it that way. We all have the capacity for incredible change, especially when trauma is the catalyst.

                What concerns me is that your temper “gets the better” of you when you know that you’re dealing with a deeply traumatized child. That tells me that you need professional support, Ann. The classic pattern of any abuser is to abuse and then apologize. There is no way your son can feel emotionally safe, when he knows his mother is not in control. This flaw of lashing out at him—as a result of your own trauma—is not an inescapable flaw; it’s something you need help with. If you truly want to help your son, please find help for yourself. Both of you are traumatized, and you need help. There is no shame in that—most traumatized abuse survivors need help. I wish you all the best with it.

                • Ann

                  I could say that too. Expressing anger than apologizing there after if I took it a bit over board. # 1 In expressing anger I have never become “out of control”. and when I have apologized unlike an abuser, I mean it and its authentic. What am I supposed to do, not apologize. Why does the world of psychology disregard anger making it out to ALWAYS be a negative emotion. Just because I do things differently from your world doesn’t mean its wrong. Another quality about them that makes having much respect, very judgmental. The info is spot on though here. And thanks for making it be available with your time. Nice to see none of us are truly alone. It is more than even imaginable what my son and I have experienced with these people. literally no therapist has shown to be able to even handle hearing it, not even the police…. So many things, nobody has actually believed us. I think its because I’m not falling apart at the seams, and my persona is so in intact, people don’t see how, with all that’s been. I understand why this is now. My lawyer that pro-bono helped me in court with the fcss said to me afterwards sometime “You must stop seeing the world with looking at it on how things should be, no one is so perfect, so capable, people are flawed. Your an exception of your ability to handle things, its rare”… The only reason I believe what has separated me from the masses in ability to deal with such human disgust being victim and witnessing trauma is Letting Spiritual Guidance lead me, and in turn, my Son out of so much awful. We ‘should’ be functioning way less than what we are, I know it. But God is All.

                  • Ann

                    I meant… “Another quality about them that having much respect (is difficult)”.

                    • Ann

                      Also, take into consideration that I moved away with my Son to escape the situation and the full extent of truth on the abuses done to him had not surfaced until he was 8. Certain periods of abuse happened sparring from his age 1 through 5. We moved right on his 6th birthday. Never to really interact with these people again. About 6 months before the move I began to seriously practise Meditation and this changed everything for our lives. So, all the years meditating before the time of my boy disclosing to me the extent of what had gone on behind my back these abuses. I had strengthened and prepared mentally/emotionally for what was to be handled. My spiritual strength became his in those three years. He was a severe MESS… nobody could guess looking at him today. I knew he had been abused then but I never pushed with questions, or freaked out internally. I was just happy to get away from them. A lot of what I experienced that I never actually comprehended came to begin to heal along side with my Son’s process. Many people here may not realize that just with getting away from the abuser For Good brings %50 the healing. Another %20 is within Time and %30 is digging in deep letting the pains be felt. A third party as a guide is fine as a very temporary point and optional. But personally, letting it be a fundamental consistent part of the healing process has always cause me a much harder time. And always became more another obstacle than a real help. But that’s just me, we are all at a different sage in consciousness and suiting to different methods.

                  • Adelyn Birch

                    There is nothing wrong with anger. It’s a normal human emotion, and it’s perfectly understandable and justified when someone’s been abused. It’s what we do with it that makes it helpful or harmful. I’m sure your apologies to your son are sincere, but an apology can’t always erase the fear and confusion felt by the recipient of that anger.

                    My goal in speaking with people here is to extend some kindness and to have them feel heard, understood, and validated. I do the best I can, sometimes going on what is actually very little information. I have to be authentic and honest, based upon what I am given to go on. What I’m saying is that I sincerely wish you and your son all the best, and I hope you’ll forgive me if I’ve said something that isn’t helpful.

                    • Ann

                      Can I ask you with expecting a totally honest answer from you? Why are you thinking my son seeing me angry, and over his abuses. How do you come to completely assume with utter conviction that I am actually doing harms to my Son? That I am literally being abusive in these times? Its a little surprising… Like when I say “Lashing out” to me that experience could be something very different in my mind than yours, right?

                      When I said I “feared being an aggressor” like the others whom actually abused him intentionally shows the very common pain I feel for my son over his experiences and how us parents take on so much, Too Much, of the guilt that doesn’t even belong to us… Than we’ll look at every little thing about our selves raising these ‘hurt children’ every Normal upset that can occur as a parent. Taking on x10 the stress beyond a non-abused child. Honestly I find this profession ends up criticising so hard the parent that is left with the after math and very challenging task raising these children. Jumping to conclusions… I mean ridiculous how you are here and without even meeting in the flesh.

                      When a parent is raising these children there is obviously more and unusual up sets that occur in the parent child relationship, period. Not to be analysed, blamed, judged or Changed. It just is what it is and there is no way around it. I mean is this why people are going to therapy for minor issues in life and popping pills. Cause, we’re not allowed to be human anymore with flaws and imperfections? I know the difference between abusing and expressing up set. Let us trust ourselves, stop relying on a third party opinion on who we are, and popping pills…

                      Your assumptions are making you pigeon hole me. Why are you pushing your views so hard here with me? We’re not even in the same room together talking on this. Another example therapists have never rubbed me the right way that I have or would put any faith into the practice to heal.

                      I just want people to understand with my comments here, that there are other ways to get through this experience without traditional text book methods such as psycho-therapy. We all really need to learn how to trust our emotions, ourselves with experiencing and over coming this thing on our own, helping our children through it with simply our God given parental Love, listening ear, and hearts. As Flawed as the Road is, of course, its perfect, healing comes from love. Not a ‘professional’ stranger.

                    • Adelyn Birch

                      First of all, I’m not a therapist. Second, you came to this website because–as you said–you’ve been seriously traumatized by an abuser, and your son was also sexually abused. That is not a “minor issue in life.” I’m not pushing any views; I don’t know the whole story, only what you told me, and I tried to give you the best advice I could based on that. There is absolutely nothing wrong with my suggesting that you and your son need the help of professionals, nor is there anything wrong with getting that help. If you’re under 10x the stress of a normal parent, and your son is having problems, then I believe what I’ve told you is correct. Whatever you choose to do, I wish you and your son all the best.

                    • Ann

                      Thank you and your blog is very appreciated, really wonderful!

                    • Adelyn Birch

                      You’re welcome, Ann!

  3. Amanda Smith

    Hello, I love your blog and saw it referenced on the Abuse No More fb page. My book Toxic…No More uses my life as a framework to show how we get into, stay in and get out of abusive relationships (trauma bonds/stockholme syndrome). Ironically it was originally taken on my a major publisher who behaved abusively (psychopathically – see the book Snakes in Suits) and I was obliged to sue them at the High Court for their dishonesty and financial abuse, repping myself for nearly four years and setting a precedent which helps others have easier access to justice. And I got a settlement. So I got to save my book, the intention is to combine my experience with the years of research and to spread a message of hope to others. When I survived a suicide attempt ten years ago I believed I lived for a reason, to pass on this info and sought to use my gift of writing to do so, to try to prevent some trauma for others. Unusually in a memoir there’s a reading list at the back, books which helped me to keep safe. There’s a bit of film interest, I’m told it’s because of the truth, the humour and the learning. Getting my book to it’s readers has been a long journey and I hope it now does some good. I’m with you all the way on psychopaths and my last partner (at least) who’s now deceased, was a psychopath and I highlight in the book, behaviors which others may recognise. I won’t say much more other than to say here’s the link to the book and I’d love to hear back from you. I wondered if you may be interested to feature it/discuss it on your blog. Emotional Rape is a good description, I sometimes call it brain-rape, which is what it is; the systematic, purposeful erosion of another person, like living through your own murder, over and over again, a living death.
    You’re doing great work here and I send you warm wishes, Amanda Smith

    http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-No-More-ebook/dp/B00CY4P2NU
    http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-No-More-memoir-Amanda-Smith/dp/1490532439/ref=tmm_pap_title_0

    • Admin

      Thank you for posting this, Amanda. I will definitely read your book and contact you about featuring it. Warm wishes to you, too.

    • Ann

      I really hope your Book goes into the Film Genre! that would be wonderful. This topic is such a hidden experience. I am about to start a book on my life as well, wish me luck too.

      Love and Light xox

      • Adelyn Birch

        Best of luck with your book, Ann. It is a hidden topic, and more of us need to bring it to light xox

        • Ann

          Thank you, I am sure its something I will do when I feel its time.

  4. Rob

    I never knew such a thing as emotional rape existed until my relationship with a sociopath ended. We were only together for two years but the constant onslaught of lies, deceit, emotional swings from her, lack of reciprocity and personality shifts turned things sour in a real hurry. I was always at fault because I would react to being lied to or saw a lack of reciprocity. I’ve had the police called on me for no reason twice, almost had my vehicle stolen and house seized. You don’t realize what’s happening in this scenario because you love this person so much and will take any and all abuse to try and maintain the relationship. We’ve been apart for a month and I’m just starting to see and feel the ill effects of this toxic relationship. I have trouble sleeping, night sweats, severe anxiety and an over lack of sense of self. I was used in every imaginable way and now I feel like I’ve been robbed of my person, my soul, my mind and my being. To make matters worse, she has her masters in psychology…May God have mercy on that woman’s soul.

    • Admin

      You are beginning a new part of this crazy journey…but it’s the part that does eventually lead you out of hell, if you’re determined to find your way out. You probably will go in even deeper for a while, though. Remember, the darkest hour is just before the dawn. It’s a wild ride that many, many others have been on, and most have lived to tell the tale. You will, too.

      Make up your mind now that no matter what, you will come through it alive and intact. Your determination will help guide you through those moments when you feel so bad that you don’t know what to do. Remember this: You don’t have to know at this point how you’ll get there; you only need to believe that you will. And if there are times you don’t believe it, that’s OK, too.

      Emotional rape is a serious thing, and not being heard or understood can make you feel very much alone. Keep reading and learning all that you can. And please find a therapist; severe anxiety and lack of sense of self need to be taken seriously. Find someone who deals with victims of abuse. If it doesn’t feel like a good fit, find someone else.

      Best Wishes.

      • Jimmy

        Thank you so much for this site. I was involved with a woman who did exactly (almost to the tee) of what your website describes. Immediately tells me very personal details (which were lies) to get me to trust her. Begs me to trust her, etc. Amazingly, I immediately sensed something was wrong although I couldn’t put my finger on it – she was “love bombing” but the actions and words were slightly out of sync (i.e. I cant wait to come over tonight but wanted to leave shortly after arriving, etc). So I bid her goodbye and let her know something was wrong. This only resulted in her doubling-down on “love bombing” only for me to give in to her request to make it right, and then almost immediately the devaluation phase began. By that point I could still see something didn’t make sense and the gaslighting began finally resulting in her discarding me, practically destroying my life, my relationships with friends, and self-esteem. It’s been a long hard 9 months trying to get back to where I was before we met, and I’m darn close, although there are times I never felt I would make it. Just reading this website provides a lot of closure for me, like the final nail is in the coffin. Hope this is the end to that nightmare and a new beginning awaits. Thank you much for your articles.

        • Admin

          Thanks. I’m glad you found some help here. It sounds like you’re doing well with putting this terrible experience behind you. You felt at times you wouldn’t make it, but now you’ve discovered how resilient you are. Best wishes on your new beginning.

      • Paige Abrams

        So important to know you’re not alone in this. The magnitude of the struggle is stunning and I am so glad I have comments like yours to read. Otherwise, I would be completely isolated.

        • Adelyn Birch

          A big (((HUG))) for you, Paige

    • danni

      Hi I feel for your situation I am just about to end my 3yr relationship . I have lost my identity and blame myself alot for allowing myself to be treated so badly. Danni

      • Lynn

        Hi Danni. Just wondering how you are doing? I just ended a 2.5 year relationship with a guy that treated me so well the first year but the last year and 6 months was nothing but emotional rape. I was always blamed and I started to think that it was my fault.

        • Adelyn Birch

          I hope you’re doing OK, Lynn. All the best to you.

    • Ann

      Oh my… my heart goes out to you deeply. Some psychology professionals are the sickest people out there, I have noticed. It really actually can take years to recover from. The stripped identity is truly a door for a spiritual rebirth I believe. I grew up with a mother that was this. I had night sweats from age about 16 to 34 on and off in life. I had never been healed of helped or changed by any psychologist. The experience always brought more harm than anything… that’s just my experience. Why was I born to this? I have gone through many cycles of emerging from the dark into dawn. Leaving the attachment without weaving had finally brought me into a place of peace that I chased after… just cutting the tie as coldly as they cut me soooo many times before. With people like us, we need to allow our ANGER over it all to surface. Anger is an emotion that’s healthy, sometimes. It can drive us to make changes, stop making excussing for people that hurt and give us Stranth in our Conviction. Find a spiritual practice to get you through this. I believe its our only hope fully healing from these devils. Good luck

      • Adelyn Birch

        While it’s true that some psychotherapists aren’t helpful and even abusive, there are plenty of good ones out there. You must find someone who’s an expert in abuse and trauma. I’ve heard from many readers who were truly helped by their therapist. I agree, anger carries an important message—it’s normal to be outraged over the way we were treated, which helps us to develop wisdom and boundaries that ensure it will never happen again xox

  5. R.C.S.

    Most of the writings are what I went through. 27 years together, 15 married. The last 8 years I have been isolated and the last 4 years he did everything he could to break me or get me to the point of suicide. He was so arrogant he left behind notes to his atty how much fun he had coming by my house without a scheduled appointment, with the mistress, saying how he enjoyed making me freak out and the cop saw what a bi**h I was for not allowing him in the house, and a second note describing how they had planned on having a friend “Joe” to come here and drown me in my pool to look like an accident. That was the third attempt by him and her to try to kill me.
    At this point he has had no accountability for anything. He is textbook, with family background and life history, a narcissistic sosiopath.
    Now with a attorney of my own we will show the court how diabolical he was along with his psychopathic mistress. I am seeing a PTSD specialist, a psychiatrist, and I do not leave my house for anything other than appointments and minimal shopping. This fear of his abuse and his sociopathic behaviors still take my days. I am waiting for my divorce, for the final foreclosure settlement, and all I want is fairness, justice, and to feel safe. I still have days I cannot understand why I did not see what was right in front of my nose. I just believed he was going through a bad midlife crisis. Except he had always been going through some problem he caused and expected me to fix it.
    I am in a Divorce Recovery group, I do my spiritual thing which he couldn’t break, and I make myself go outside and play in my gardens. I do not cry, I don’t feel anything right now, but I have my Grace, my dignity and integrity that holds me together when times are bad. So many people experiencing this type of relationship, I swear I wish they would incorporate this information into classes in High Schools. My one goodie goodie moment was finding out that his psychopathic girlfriend was using him, blackmailing him with his crossdressing pictures, ( I didn’t know) and she chewed him up and spat him out. Toooooo bad! Of course he believes that is my fault, because she hated me more than liking him, so she played him until I had enough, when she found out I ended it all, she dumped him. Then she told him just that. Now he plays smoke and mirrors with money and addresses. He even has a group of people lying for him and hiding him?! He is classic statistics.

  6. Michelle

    I met a man online two years ago through a psychic forum and he convinced me that we were twin flames, but I suspect that there were more who played along with this. I think these predators can play in groups online and prey on people. Some call them trolls, but since this was a forum about the paranormal, I saw some things that happened and experienced things that are so far removed from regular life that I can’t explain it. They said it was kundalini and astral projection.

    The sad thing is that I think he hated me from the beginning and I remember having that gut instinct but I ignored it because I wanted to believe him. I was isolated and depressed at the time and not in a healthy relationship and I was on this forum for support but actually wound up in heated debates with people over politics and there was this one woman who really hated me and put up bloody bunny pictures after my posts and others laughed with her. This man was on there too and he seemed to pander to her but when I questioned him he said I was insecure and judgmental and pretty much made me feel guilty and crazy.

    So my problem is compounded with the fact that this relationship was internet based and he may be into black magic as well.

  7. Lady32

    Great website, straight to the point, clear and honest. Tells it like it is. All so very true. Having just come out of all this mess my heart sinks as I read it, one of the hardest things i’ll ever have to go through somehow accepting this has happened to me but it has, down to a T. A lot of inner strength and spirituality needed to get through it and I’m very determined to get my sleep and peace back for me and for my six month old boy who he disguarded, we are both worth so so so much more than what he had us go through, very sick twisted people and sending love and strength to all those out there who have been involved with such a person (if you can call them that.) Love yourself, you are NOT what they had you believe and others believe you are.. it’s all LIES! xx

  8. marie

    Great website, very clear, honest and straight to the point. All so very true. Having just come out of all this mess my heart sinks as I read it, but i’m aware of what has happened and I will get my sleep and my peace back for me and for my six month old baby boy whom he disguarded. We are worth so so so much more than what he has put us through and how he has treated us. I hope that anyone else who has had the misfortune of being manipulated by these sick twisted individuals does not believe what the manipulator has made them and others think about themselves – it is all LIES!! These people can’t truly get close to anyone because once they do they will be exposed for what they are, their “friends” they will use to manipulate against you aswell, and sit back looking at their “success” that they got people against a such a good person – (and while you’re going through hell you can expect them all to be giving the manipulator all the consolation in the world for having been with such a ‘horrible person who has wronged them’) big time losers, the one I know has a wife (who I believed was an ex wife) who agrees with anything and everything he does, I think she has been a huge enabler of his disgusting behaviour and has huge issues of her own.. toxic, toxic people in disguise who a minute of happiness with can bring months worth of pain. Love and strength to anyone going through it. xxx

    • Admin

      “We are worth so so so much more than what he has put us through and how he has treated us.” You most certainly are.

      “I hope that anyone else who has had the misfortune of being manipulated by these sick twisted individuals does not believe what the manipulator has made them and others think about themselves – it is all LIES!!” This is the crux of the matter. Too many are left beaten down by it because they believe it.

      “…while you’re going through hell you can expect them all to be giving the manipulator all the consolation in the world for having been with such a ‘horrible person who has wronged them’” This is a common experience. They make us look like the crazy ones. They manipulate us and everyone else. We know it now, but the others are unaware they’re being taken as fools.

      I am hoping he will stay away from you and the baby. Stay strong!

  9. JS victim

    I have a problem with the term “emotional rape” BECAUSE…..the way I see it,,,,, it is also, and even more so in my case, physical rape. There is no difference in my opinion between someone putting drugs in your beer and then having sex with you and someone deceiving you into thinking they are someone different than who they really are, that their intensions are other than what they lead you to believe they are, their “feelings” are different than they pretend they are, etc. etc. etc….ALL THE WHILE, enjoying the bennifits of a sexual relationship that would NOT be taking place if they were being honest.

    • Admin

      I agree with you. In both cases, the motivation is power and control; sex is only a secondary gain. Victims are all left traumatized.

  10. JSvictim

    He Tried to make me look/ feel like some crazy wacko for dropping all his shi* off in his mother’s driveway!! LOL……Hello?? What planet do you think I’m from?? One that has women who don’t “act out” when they’ve been wronged?? He’s lucky that’s all i did! Another woman would have had his gonads in a bait bag.
    I guess it’s just aggravating that there is absolutely NO justice! there is no holding them accountable for their heinous games, their pathetic life destroying existence. No rape kit, nor police report…. I HOPE I’m there if and when karma catches up with him. I’d be lying if I said that it wouldn’t make my day seeing him pulled over by the sherif doing a field sobriety test. I’d just have to circle back around to ask him if there was anyone he’s like me to call for him…..maybe mother?
    So I’m supposed to forgive him……not for his sake but for mine. I guess it’s just WAY too soon.

    • Admin

      You don’t have to forgive him — it’s entirely up to you whether you want to or not. You were victimized and all that went with it, and now on top of all that, you have to find it in your heart to forgive. If someone has no remorse, there is no reason to forgive. Just let time go by, and one day when you feel indifferent and there will be no need for forgiveness. Read here: http://philosophy.cah.ucf.edu/fpr/files/10_1/stanlick.pdf It is way too soon, and I suspect that in many cases “forgiveness” is indifference.

  11. AngelJ

    to all of you who feel it is sexist. It is not sexist at all. the majority of emotional rapists are men. In some societies emotional rape is encouraged and taught to young boys/men as the way to treat women.

    Men are more prone to becoming emotional rapists because generally men do not cut friendships and association with another man for his sociopath lifestyle choice (And It Is A Choice) and treatment of their partners male/female.

    Women emotional rapists also tend to attack women, why? simple as a whole despite all the equal rights society is society and in the global society women are raised to be more forgiving, give second chances, be more tolerant. Men on the otherhand are raise to be tough be a man go for what you want at all costs (excluding crime + remaining polite) ineffect men are mostly raised put themselves first and women to put themselves first…with a great big…but make sure everyone likes you. Women who go about life like men are (majority) raised to, are called bitches. Men who go about life like men (majority) raised to are called strong men.

    • Admin

      Very insightful. Thank you for your comments.

    • Worthheld

      Your observations are spot on, much of so called recent Western civilization is based on exactly those tenets, just as the patriarchal model of ownership over everything depends on keeping women silenced and on their backs. It is why war on women is a form of government against all matriarchal societies, and is why congress reflects male war values and disregards womens core unity values. Its become a social structure to deny women their participation rights, and if they do the norm is to tear them to pieces for it.
      Leaving 1/2 the worlds women alienated instead of defacto honored. Meanwhile there is clear indication even from the comments on this board that pysch ops is being run on women through the internet and media, which seeks to continually hold a pattern of traumatization in every thing shown – including the constant message to be afraid and portrayal of them as victims. Interestingly, women who fight back against their abusers often find them selves in jail- 82% of residents according to one activist group, and get stiffer and longer sentences. In that way the justice system was set up by men to support other men in an effort to control women and send the message that any self defensive behavior by women will not be tolerated. In other words- take the abuse and like it. Nothing reflects this more, *to me*, in this screwed up world, than 50 shades of greasy grey. It reflects the sadomasochistic nature of modern capitalism and its expectations of women to love their subservient role in it. And then there is the special hell of dominated women who play nice with the men so they can sell their daughters off to the same cycle of violence. Any one who disagrees with that is labeled a bitch and worse. Some women do escape by self-teaching all the forbidden knowledge men horded for themselves and have forbidden women to amass as social capital. There is a price to pay for all of this of course, no good deed goes unpunished. The term is actually called success punishment, and it is only ever done to women. I knew that though from growing up as the youngest of 3, that my brothers hatred of me knew no boundaries culminating in beatings, sexual abuse, constant threats, killing of my pets, abuse by proxy in leveling false accusations that are so outlandish to even listen to the lies and shit that comes out of their decietful mouths in an attempt to cover up their tracts – that is the emotional rape right there. They even tried to teach my own son to do this to me, mistake of ever letting him spend too much time with his grandmother I was wiser with the second one went to childcare away from her. Best example of poor judgment: granny thought it was okay to take my child to meet the uncle who abused his mother as a child, and its okay to do this behind my back with out my express permission. Of course she hates me when I put my foot down and say NO. But that is how the cycle gets going, passed down by the cooperative cowering women who can not even stand their own girl child when she says NO. Sorry relics these mothers, that they believe their daughters aught to have the same shitty life they did, and I simply refuse to cower so that is why their sneaky as to how to get back at me in the most conniving ways. But in all of that we still have to find pity and compassion for mothers like mine because we know they had an even shittier life too. Way worse in many ways. All I have ever craved from her is an I’m sorry honey, I love you so much, never wanted to have you go through any of that, and then give me a hug, any form of comfort, but she is unable to do that. Worse, in her powerlessness, she is cold and manipulative, if she cant get her way, goes to the other brother and lies to him that I am being mean and incites him to scream and threaten violence against me – more recently just for asking her to stop telling me about what this one did or that one did, or what a “good wife” should do- she only does that to the girls and sister in laws in the family – not her sons, they are perfect and do no wrong. That war generation, *in my opinion*, so traumatized, raised the current abusive male one – so afraid to stand up to their own male sons.
      So yes, thats why I am reading up on emotional rape today, to recover my my fire again, and move on to the next stage in my life where I see will be having to battle my brother who keeps taking money from mom that is actually money I set aside for her to live on, but he knows its there and its somehow burning a whole in “his” pocket. I get no thank yous or respect for surviving all the abuse and still be successful enough to have done that for her- nor do I any at this point expect any. He will stoop to anything at this point to brainwash her in to giving him more, and at the end of the day, its only money, let him have it right? That seems to be how entire capitalist society got set up in the first place, doesn’t it. Starve the girls?
      The tactics are abuse, gaslighting, battering of wives, rape and emotional rape, all the things done, cheating, none of that seems to matter because women depend on men like that for protection, for housing, for health care, as fathers of their children..these are the men that are out there for women, and they were raised by very patriarchallly damaged shells of human beings whose ability to withstand onslaught has left them debilitated and humiliated to the point that pornography and violence has replaced actual relationships. There is always some other shell of a body to use up and discard. That is where we all are at trying to fix the broken in a paradigm of narcicistic hate, and in the case of the older generation, its hard to get them to listen, hardened by world war memories that think placating the egos of men will possibly work but full well knowing they would rather wage a war and kill strangers than work on their own spiritual issues. In the case of women, they are just as much able to die for their beliefs as the next person – the only difference is it will be family or intimate partner violence which will kill them before actual war would. The world knows that is how bad the silencing of women is, and how deep it runs in the human family. World has to take notice of what it has been doing, stop it for once and for all. Men must be honest enough to see their role in the larger picture, women have to be bolder and more honest about what has being going on in their lives too, not afraid to tell it to world as it is…as hard as it is to hear it, this is their story, this is their truth.

      • Admin

        I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with such abuse from your own family. Yes, definitely keep your children away. Many people who wouldn’t take abuse from others feel somehow obliged to accept it as adults from their parents or other family members, because of misguided societal pressure (“honor thy father and mother — no matter what”). The conditions for women are deplorable across the globe. We need a new paradigm. I wish you all the best in recovering your fire.

      • ADP

        Wow Worthheld! EXACTLY what the N brought out of my life…. that EXACT dynamic in my family, particularly from my mother. She preferred to turn a blind eye to my abuse than to protect me because she in turn was enslaved to a man for her economic gains. Its been extremely painful for me to finally understand that the way she SOLD Me out was not about me. The extreme damage that was done. And all, too, so she could stay in her insulated world where all is ok. My brother, too, had her wrapped up that way. She turned him against me, too. So badly, the last thing he sent me before he abruptly died of achoholic liver failure was a tirade of abuse against me because I was just sick and tired of my mother’s abuse, neglect and utter denial of the harms she caused. I had learned enough of psychopathology to understand flying monkeys and triangulation but was only just grasping the impact on my own family and how my mother was at the very center of all that. My last words from my brother, were fed from my mother’s mouth and it hurts like a pain like none other. I really wish I could talk more to you as you seem to really really grasp that incredible family/social dynamic for what was done to us. If the site can find a way to connect us, via anonymous email, I would sure love to talk to you.

        • Adelyn Birch

          I know it’s painful to find out what was really going on with your mother, but knowing the truth–as difficult as that is–allows you to deal with the fallout in a different way. I’m sorry your brother invalidated your abuse, and in such a harsh and hurtful way, before he died. My experience with a psychopath opened up a whole world of things I never figured out about my family of origin, things that were having an impact on my life but that worked in the background, unknown. ADP, I simply can’t take on more email at this time. I’m experiencing a severe case of internet and technology fatigue, but please feel free to leave a message here when the spirit moves you. I wish you all the best in overcoming the impact your family has had on you, and moving on to live free of it. Never doubt that it’s possible!

  12. Malevictim

    I now know that I was the victim of such a Psychopath. I am a man recently divorced and dealing with depression which has left me pretty vulnerable and open to abuse. I met this new woman on a night out and ended up back at hers that night on her insistence. She is a very confident, charming, intelligent and beautiful woman who had no problems socialising or reeling me in with her patter. The new “relationship” lasted just over two intense weeks where I found myself smothered with affection, adoration and intense sex. My “great qualities” were many and she was “falling” for me so easily that I missed the initial red flags until one night something clicked in my head and nothing made sense. Everything about her became improbable and her stories sounded more and more exaggerated. Red flags were popping up everywhere and her intimate behaviour and demeanour was starting to make me feel really unsettled although I tried to ignore it. The Love Bombing, Triangulation, the way she talked intimately about her past and other people so quickly, the questioning about my ex’s, her behaviour out of context etc. It was all there. I believe she saw a little of the turmoil in my head so she embarked on a new course of action to end the relationship, blaming her crazy ex for throwing a spanner in the works. At the end of a long and “deep” final conversation she acted so coldly and behaved so unconcerned in comparison to her conversation that I knew I had been duped. Now I feel emotionally raped and unsettled. I am now questioning my own sanity and feel so upset that I have allowed this to happen to me just when I thought I was getting over my marriage breaking up. It sounds crazy that a two week thing could be so intense and wrong but it was. Women are just as capable of being psychopaths as are men and if possible could the site reflect it in its wording as most of the writing gives a woman’s point of view.

    • Admin

      Actually, it doesn’t sound crazy AT ALL that a two-week involvement with a psychopath could be so damaging.

      “I am now questioning my own sanity and feel so upset that I have allowed this to happen to me just when I thought I was getting over my marriage breaking up.”
      Many of us (if not all of us) felt exactly the same way when it ended and we realized we’d been duped. But the truth is, you didn’t “allow” it to happen. I’ve said many times on this website that I don’t think there’s anyone who couldn’t be victimized by one of these manipulators. Emotional rape is a very serious thing, and blaming ourselves for it only makes it worse and does nothing to help us. But even so, it’s a phase we all go through. In time, as you gain more understanding of what happened, you’ll be able to resolve these feelings.

      As far as writing from the female point of view, I do have some disclaimers here and there saying readers are free to replace ‘he’ with ‘she.’ I realize my male readers are sensitive to the “he’ point of view, but it is exhausting and very distracting to write using ‘s/he’ or switching from ‘he’ to ‘she.’ Please keep in mind that I’m a fellow victim, not a journalist or a psychologist. It’s quite natural for me to say ‘he,’ and if writing this website were a tedious experience, it would never have existed. So I hope you will understand I never meant to exclude or be insensitive to men. The writing was simply flowing, and naturally it came from my experience.

      Warm wishes to you.

  13. Faye

    After 15 years of friendship, and the four years of dating that followed, have listene to that quiet voice that told me to run.

    Psychopathy is a spectrum however, which in no way eliminates the trauma I have endured with someone I belived in. Thought all rational facts had led me to the right choice–even though 15 years later I found myself feeling no physical attraction to him. His passionate words, and actions,( short lived with am egotistical “your not good enough attitude” soon to follow) I fell for all the trappings- those were his words! After he coldly dismissed me with the emotional connection of a dead man, he no longer loved me. The day before- I was the woman of his dreams. Made up bullshit about searching for me all those years, but woops! Accidentally knocked up a girl at a bar? Got married an had 3 kids.

    Of course that was his mothers fault;) needless to say we dyed through the divorce, I became a maid and a place to test his D;** and his rag doll.

    I used to admire his ability to cut off his emotions, and in a sick way–I still do. Because after all is said and done, I lost 4 years of my 30’s, had a nervous breakdown, lost the especially of all my family an friends, and began cutting myself.

    Oh well- better luck never again time;) thanks for being a place to let the pain out, and not be misunderstood, especially since I’m sounding cynical.

    • Admin

      So sorry to hear of what you’ve been through. You will make your way through it eventually, and come out the other side to a better life. Have faith in yourself. Warm wishes to you.

  14. Terry

    I’m still with him, but I’m waking up. All of this if very helpful. It is horrible how this person has taken from me my self esteem, my dignity and practically everything else. My wake up call came about six months ago when he started putting his ex back into the picture. The one woman on earth that was the craziest b**** ever, or so I was told when we first met. Now I just have to find enough courage to walk out.

    • Admin

      I’ve learned that people have to come to this in their own way, just as I did. So I will simply wish you all the best on your journey. ♥

  15. Angie

    Thank you for taking the time to create this blog. I’m currently experiencing this situation and I feel so lost, confused and frightened. As a result my physical health has been deteriorating and I’m constantly getting sick. I’ve been married for 8 years but we’ve been together for 11, our relationship didn’t necessarily start on the right track and it has always follow a bumpy road. Now after 11 years we have 3 year old son which makes my decision of separating from him more difficult. I just feel so guilty for causing the separation between them two and I’m afraid as to how this may affect my son in the future. I have full support from my mom, she has always seen things in him that never register with her, however she has always respected him and the relationship and always maintain a distance. But whenever I’m down or going through a rough patch she always says ” I know you’re not happy, just know I’m here to support you and take care of you whenever you need me” she is definitely my hero and a blessing in my life. Him, on the other hand can be so charming and change everything around in a blink of an eye. I feel so lost I just pray to God that one day I have the strength to put and end to all of this and give myself a second chance in life. For now, I’m grateful I found your blog I will continue reading and finding validation, perhaps that will help me make up my mind.

    • Admin

      I hope it will help you to make up your mind. Thank you for your comment, Angie. All the best to you and your son!

  16. Violet

    I’m thinking that I’ve suffered emotional (I would say psycho-spiritual) rape recently. I was seeing a massage therapist and the first time we met he started telling things about me, personality attributes, things I’ve struggled with, triumphs, deep, very private things about me that I never would have consented to telling him. Said he could plot it all on my body. Being naked and having him stand over me made it all the worse — I was so vulnerable and while I consented to having him touch my body, I never EVER gave my consent to him digging into my psyche and laying it out to be examined. I felt like I had been spiritually and psychologically vivisected for his amusement.

    I’m having trouble thinking that it happened at all, and I might have dismissed it as a fabrication if not for the panic attacks and how difficult it is to resume my daily life. I don’t see him anymore. And, I don’t think he had malicious intent — it is his disconnect with how his piercing words have an impact on his clients that makes him so dangerous.

    For two months I agonized over what was causing me to feel so violated, so exposed. As soon as I used the word “rape” my agony subsided and I felt suddenly exhausted. And then I started having panic attacks. I can’t help but think that this is real. That it happens. And even though there are many in the rape community who balk at the idea of emotional rape and feel as though it does a disservice to physical rape to use that word, I can’t think of any other word for it, intentional or not.

    • Admin

      Violet, you bring up some very important points. I agree, ‘psycho-spiritual rape’ is a much better term for it. And the only way you could know that if you experienced it. It can happen quickly, like it did with you — it doesn’t have to take weeks or months or years. If you’re still having panic attacks, please go talk about it with a therapist who specializes in trauma, because you are clearly traumatized. Best wishes to you.

  17. alana

    this is exactly what i went through. 7 years into the relationship i tried to hang on cause i thought if you love someone that much, you should never let go. I guess i was holding on, hoping things would go back to how they were in the beginning. I was manipulated, used, lied too, cheated on, used sexually to fulfill this persons sexual fantasies (I’ve hated myself for ever letting it happen because this person was the first relationship I’ve ever had with). If i ever confronted this person about things that they were doing that hurt me, they’d turn it into a fight and make it seem like it was my fault and became verbally and mentally abusive. It was hell, my friends and family could see right through this person and always tried to pull me out of the relationship but it was too late, it got so bad that my mental health deteriorated, and i nearly ended my life. What made me realize this person didn’t care for me at all is when i ended up in the hospital, they didn’t care to visit or call at all. That was the wake up call i needed and i realized if i don’t leave there will be nothing left of me. So i ended the relationship through a text and changed my number. I don’t ever want to see this person ever again. a couple months ago they tried to contact me by calling my sisters phone to reach me, and i told the person to stay away from me through email. Cause that’s what he expects, for me forgive him and start the same cycle all over again. I’m still feeling the effects of it 2 years later. Now my mind seems to be scattered. I have no internal peace, i’m isolated from everyone who cares about me, i don’t allow myself to trust or to love, or even let anyone touch me. I have a hard time leaving the house. I feel humiliated for not seeing this sooner i’m always blaming myself. I feel like my life is hopeless and most times i don’t even see the point in going on. But i try to keep going on cause maybe one day life will get better. I have nothing else going on for me but that bit of hope. I know i need help but i’m too scared to receive it.

    • Admin

      I’m sorry you went through this, Alana. It’s deeply traumatic. You were strong and you ended it, and you continue to stay away from him. Now you’re in this in-between phase, feeling isolated and mistrustful, and are blaming yourself. This is a normal response after what you’ve experienced! You’re ready to move forward, but you’re not sure how. Your life is far from hopeless! Many of us went through those dark days, and in that state of mind it can be hard to feel positive about yourself or the future. Just know that you’ll make it through, even if you’re not sure how right now.

      I hope you’ll take a look at the following; I think it might help.

      Through the Labyrinth: A Road Map to Guide You

      If possible, please find a therapist who specializes in abusive relationships. When support is lacking, a good and empathetic therapist can be a godsend.
      And please read this article about self-blame — EMERGENCY: Self Blame There is honestly no reason to be blaming yourself. If you can move from that to a mindset of self-compassion, it will do you so much good.

      I wish you all the best, and I hope you’ll come back and let me know how you’re doing.

  18. Laura

    I do not have the money or insurance to pay for therapy, so finding these posts and pages have been so helpful. Thank you so much. Since there is no one that I can really talk to about it (aside from normal breakup talk which people don’t understand isn’t helpful), I feel so much better having found this entire website. I feel a little more validated with every page I read and a little less like I am the crazy one. What’s been really hard for me is the going back and forth between “he is so bad for me, and he doesn’t have any regret for having made me feel this way, I will never talk to him again” to responding when he texts me and going over when I know that I shouldn’t. This is the first week that I have actually been able to say no…or nothing…when he wants to see me, and I thank you for that. This website, all of it, has really helped me to understand what is going on and that it’s not my fault, and that no matter what I do he is not going to change, and that is not my fault either. Thank you.

    • Admin

      I’m so glad the site is helping you, Laura! Stay strong; it takes a while with no contact to break the bond. It might help if you block his number. I know how difficult it is. You might want to read this blog post: Intensity or Intimacy? It talks about how these aren’t relationships, but addictions. I hope for all good things to come into your life, as you make room for them by keeping him out. Best wishes to you.

  19. Darkest Shade of Grey

    Thank you…

    • Admin

      You’re welcome. I know it’s awful, but I hope it helped you figure things out.

      • Darkest Shade of Grey

        People used certain spiritual things against me; if you want you could call it a cult belief, took advantage of my innocence and purity and ended up damaging my mind to the point I’ve been suffering from psychosis for almost three years. Schizophrenia, manic depression, the event really scarred me.

        But, just recently, I had to accept that what happened to me was bad, but others have gone through worse and still can make a life for themselves worth living. As much as I don’t see happiness in the future, and feel like there’s no point in trying. I still do.

        I’m not sure why. After what happened I’ve been trying to illuminate the darker teachings of some of these people out there, its sad and scary how this stuff can happen to people and no one would ever really know or be able to comprehend it.

        But, its people like you that keeps hope for some of us out there who are suffering and don’t understand why.
        Really, there is no reason, things like this just happen. Sadly to the best of us.

        Please continue to show others the potential causes and hidden pain people could be feeling from others who invaded their minds and violated their souls, and that it was real and that we can grow and become stronger.

        • Admin

          I’m so sorry you’ve suffered so much. I’m glad to hear you’re still trying, and I believe there is a point! The point is YOU, the point is your LIFE. You and your life are precious. They’re yours. Do not let the people in your past take them from you. Leave them behind, and turn and look forward. I can’t tell you how much it means to me to keep hope going for you. If I knew I had to write this entire website again just for you, I would do it. I’m serious. Because YOU are worth it. I will continue writing, and I want you to continue believing you have good reasons to keep trying and keep growing and keep becoming stronger. I wish you all the best of everything. I offer you my light so you will find your way. I feel in my heart that you will.

  20. Laura

    The short paragraph toward the end of the article that starts with, “The aftermath of emotional rape…” This also describes what happens to adult children of pathological parents.

    • Adelyn Birch

      Yes, you’re absolutely right. Being severely betrayed by a parent, who is supposed to be a trustworthy and loving caregiver, has dire consequences for the children.

  21. Mel

    I am recently attempting to begin even defining what I am going through.
    Domestic battery and a No Contact order are in force and the NO CONTACT is now becoming my saving Grace.
    Married 8 years and been together 12 years. Embarrassing to say he strangled me in the beginning of the relationship and I STILL allowed it, excepting the excuses and eventually even married him.
    This was also my second marriage with 2 boys, (teenager and 6 year old) from previous 18 year marriage.
    I was duped, abused emotionally and physically. The emotional abuse led to many health issues.
    Our entire relationship was overloaded with grief and loss and major life changes.
    During a 2 year period starting right before our marriage, my grandfather passed then my grandmother passed 3 days before the wedding. We went on our honeymoon instead of being able to attend her funeral.
    Another close relative passed after we returned from our honeymoon. As I was also just changing careers and graduating.
    His father was murdered 4 moths into the marriage and then my aunt and uncle chose to end their lives on my birthday the following year. Along with 7 other close family members along with 4-5 close friends.
    We never came up for a breathe so I just made excuses for everything.
    Sacrificed my soul, self and morals for his sexual fantasies.
    Little did I know that his sexual fantasies or addictions went way much further than I even knew.
    Jekyl and Hyde was always there! but, not always as strong and angrier they became as I became ill.
    I truly believed that ,”we” could get through all of this , “together.” There was NO , “WE.” it was him. I handed myself , children, family and friends to a psychopath on a silver platter.
    The things we experienced, I used as excuses for his behavior, lies, deceit, addictions and infidelity. Our health issues even became such a burden financially and emotionally.
    I was near death either literally by his own hands , or emotionally by the cycle of constant confusion suicide or my heart. THANK GOD, by pure luck the cardiologist was able to fix. I truly believe, it was divine intervention, he repaired the physical problem and also made me stronger which in turn is helping to repair the brokenhearted also.
    Ultimately, even the infidelity was much more than I imagined. It was pansexual,, (anything, anybody, anywhere ) whatever he could get, I guess? Also, just beginging to digest the new knowledge of that.
    His older half brother had published a book and he never wanted to read it so I obliged and left it alone also. Thinking that it would cause too much pain for him to want to deal with at the time. I SHOULD of read the stupid book!
    He also was having health issues which was causing impotency issues. SO< I also made excuse for the cheating or because of that!
    The relationship ended 2 months ago with me finally, dialing 911. I sat there for an hour after he left our home to go to his step mothers…..even fear4ful of dialing ….the 91, then 91….over and over before finally 911. I still was passive in my statement, dazed and confused.
    Neck and already painful knees were his physical targets. Went for my actual jugular, that was just healed from the heart procedure.
    Emotionally, stunned…what just happened? We had been arguing all night and tired, confused …..And KNEW IT was now finally, going to be OVER! I dialed 911.

    I was brainwashed into, "if you ever call the police on me or family I will bury you!, legally and( literally already was.) His family actually has a criminal defense attorney on retainer for actions mostly by another brother, (that is currently incarcerated for violence with guns.)
    It's a journey that is SO very confusing.

    I have a very close friend that is my save. she seems to have already lived it but, through her own direct relatives. My friends dont understand, Ive lost so many anyway. Attorneys, parents and children are even thinking I am crazy.
    Psychopath?
    They dont GET IT!
    HELL, I don't get it. I'm just beginning to understand and try and be responsible for my stupid actions. I was preyed upon and MY sincere Love, heart and soul I GAVE to a psychopath? Just thought I was crazy, unhealthy and life gave us a lot to handle.
    I'm PTSD, depressed, anxious, shellshocked, in jeapardy of losing my job for absences due to Multiple Sclerosis and many other health issues.
    I'm isolated my son's and I even had a domestic dispute with battery.
    I READ THE BOOK! It was like all the puzzle pieces fit! I understand now, he was also abused and raised by a psychopath and that was the father that was murdered.
    The incarcerated brother must have some kind of sadistic play into my soon to be ex's abuse also.
    And the family that hid all of the dirty secrets of the psychopathic father are also hiding the baby boy of the family. He's right there in sheep's clothing. It's even in the book!
    And the book was written when the oldest step brother was invited to our wedding. He battled on how to tell his baby brother how he could not attend because of the father's abuse. Then he decided to file charges, That day!
    Then wrote a book about his life which DEFINED mine!
    Sexual intimidation, physical and emotional abuse and getting back my soul. It's very difficult however, I WILL hopefully recover and my family and friends and NEVER allow myself to make these choices and excuses EVER again!
    Thank you for this site. I just one day heard myself mention the word psychopath and looked up the definition.
    TO a perfect tee was the definition of him and his father, brother and who knows how many?
    And also led me to this site. THANK YOU!
    Validation…I'm not crazy. Other people know and have knowledge of this?
    Others have been through this?
    Thank You.

    • Adelyn Birch

      You’ve been through quite a long and difficult ordeal, Mel. As you heal, my wish for you is that you find the strength and resilience already within you.

      I’m so glad you found validation here and learned you’re not alone. That’s what it’s all about.

  22. kathy cassity

    Just WHY do they do this? And, I actually let my husband of 19 years do this over a period of 21 years. He cheated 17 years ago, but I could see red flags and ignored them. He even fooled our counselor into telling me that his cheating was not REALLY who he was. He had just “stepped out of character”, according to her. I am so angry I could f**king spit. I could kick his and his new supplies ass without a care. WHY do they want to do this instead of being happy? He has said many times that he HATES himself. And, now he thinks he is going to have a vasectomy reversal after 17 years, and have kids with her, and they are both in their 40s. It is f**ked up.

    • Adelyn Birch

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this terrible ordeal, Cassity. Nobody deserves such problems, and my heart breaks for you. Please know that you’re not alone. I hear from many women who were in long marriages that had similar outcomes, and healing is possible. Of course you’re angry — you have every right to be. You were betrayed.

      You can be sure he’s not going to treat this new woman any differently than he treated you; he was the cause of the problems, and he will take his character and his issues with him into this new relationship. I know you’re going through hell right now and I’m sorry. I really wish you healing and peace and freedom. xx

  23. Rosa

    I’m currently going through this but my problem is that this ties a celebrity from the music industry to the Illuminati and have an actual mental hold from this person, and I’m being stalked daily. How he does this, I don’t know but you certainly know when someone is inside your mind and connected to your speech and thought pattern, telling me they are me and that I’m the antichrist. It’s a constant badgering and it’s done me actual soul damage. It’s shattered. I’m in so much PAIN and no one believes me cause it’s a celebrity that I once listened to, he knows of me yet he’s never met me. He’s a dream walker and he’s controlling my dreams. It’s awful.

    • Adelyn Birch

      I’m sorry you’re going through such a terrible ordeal, Rosa. Your symptoms sound very much like psychosis, so I’m not surprised that people are skeptical. I strongly recommend a psychiatric evaluation; you might find real help in it. All the best to you.

  24. Angela

    I was sexually abuse at the age of 12, it laid dormant for many years due to a RTA 3 days before. When it came to the fore I had counselling, but my counsellor EMOTIONALLY RAPED ME. I reported her to where she was registered but she got away with it. How can anyone trust these people when they treat a client like this ? These people hide behind their organisations, twist your words, EMOTIONALLY RAPE YOU, then FEED IT BACK TO YOU BIT BY BIT. Then because you say something, report them you are dumped and left worse than when you started. I tried to get answers why, but they got the police involved, and I was accused of harassment. THESE SICK PEOPLE NEED STOPPING, BUT HOW DO I DO THIS ON MY OWN?

    • Adelyn Birch

      Hi, Angela. I’m sorry to hear what you’ve gone through—the sexual abuse, and then emotional abuse by a therapist when you tried to get help. My heart goes out to you! What a terrible re-victimization and betrayal it is. I wrote an article about this, and at the bottom is a list of resources. I hope you’ll take a look at it, and that you’ll find something helpful:
      First, Do No Harm: Abusive Psychotherapists
      I wish you all the best.

    • Angela

      Thanks for your time. Just knowing someone has listened, makes me want to fight these people more. They don’t truly understand that sexual abuse is such a very very sensitive subject, and if they haven’t gone through it how can they help someone who as. It’s ok to have couselling certificates but it doesn’t say or ever will what is inside that person. Some of them have truly got it wrong, and those that have tried to destroy me, should come and see how far i’ve come in the writers group i’m in, I looked at it as THERAPY, and i’ve come along way. No-one should have to feel safe in a room, its about feeling safe outside 4 walls. So if possible could you pass on that whatever a person likes doing writing, drawing painting whatever just join a group and treat it as THERAPY, and can work wonders.

      • Adelyn Birch

        I agree that writing and other creative outlets can be very therapeutic! I’m so glad that it’s helped you. I even wrote a blog post on the subject:
        The Transformative Power of Telling Your Story

        I’m glad you feel heard and understood, Angela xx

        • Adelyn Birch

          Oh, and you might enjoy the Soul Songs page; one of the readers here, Linda, expressed her feelings in poetry.

          Here’s one:

          Who are we? The Other artists. Our canvas is the page, our pigments, words. The Word Weavers: the Bards, the Troubadours, the Bohemians and the Beats, Homer and Whitman, Frost and Millay… anyone who sings your song. The poets.

          THE POET

          Love me and I will sing words

          Primal, ageless

          Beauty scarred,

          Scars made beautiful.

          Cut me and I will bleed words

          Some sweet as wild honey

          Some salt in your wounds,

          Razor blades, diamonds, fire.

          Dare to taste my words

          Lover, enemy or friend,

          A song for you

          Set to your own music.

          © LINDA 2015

          • Angie Firth

            This is a poem from a collection i’m doing, the collection is called ST ANGIE’S FIRE.

            CLAIMS TO BE A ROBOT!

            Her words,
            I did not say,
            Or feel that,
            It’s all a lie
            Towards me.

            I’m protected,
            Those I work with,
            Always will cover up for me.
            They don’t know i’m guilty,
            But who will doubt me ?

            The guilty one,
            Is my ex-client,
            It’s said in rules and regs,
            A client falls for the counsellor,
            Not counsellor for the client.

            It took ST ANGIE’S FIRE to be born,
            And questions arose,
            That needed answers now,
            The counsellor was in doubt,
            Client to finally be believed.

            That whatever your reason,
            In seeking help,
            Just remember this,
            A counsellor ain’t no ROBOT.

            • Adelyn Birch

              The poem carries a lot of energy, Angie, as anger does. When you feel anger and use its energy creatively, it releases great vitality and passion in you. It takes awareness and sensitivity to do that, which you have.

              I love the name of the collection — St. Angie’s Fire. It’s very powerful!

              • Angela Firth

                Thanks for liking the poem, It’s how it all happened, as if I wasn’t going through enough, they didn’t show any compassion, used everything they got to know of me and my past against me, when my Counsellor (Female) told me she’d had to question her Sexuallity, not once was she ever questioned. I heard last year that the org had got council funding and backing to counsel children that had been Sexually Abused, it made me feel sick. I’ve tried to stop this but no-one has seemed bothered. Guess they will when its too late, (as usual)

                • Adelyn Birch

                  I’m sorry they didn’t show any compassion, Angie, and sad to hear they wouldn’t listen to you when you tried to stop it. But you did try; you did what you could, and now it’s out of your hands. I understand how injustice feels. There’s nothing else like it, and it can really get the best of you. I hope you will move forward in your healing in spite of the outrage you feel.

                  • Angela Firth

                    I don’t feel outrage, I just don’t want it to happen to anyone else. I’m an Arian, I never wish anyone harm. I’ve was a volunteer for MIND in Mexborough, I did their 2 week training program, so I knew what was the rules. Some of them i’ve spoken to about this have really been disgusted with my treatment.
                    I’m such an easy going person, this was shown nearly 12 months ago when I had to say goodbye to my dog FERN of 15 years, My feelings I put on one side, and I held her while she slowly passed away. I was told I was brave, but it was really what I signed up for, to be there at the end after those 15 wonderful years together.

                    • Adelyn Birch

                      I’m so sorry you lost your dog.

                      From what you’ve been telling me, you seemed to be expressing outrage (a powerful feeling of resentment or anger aroused by something perceived as an injury, insult, or injustice). It wouldn’t be unusual at all after experiencing emotional rape.

  25. Angela Firth

    Because i’m the person I am, I expect others to be the same. Sometimes I don’t understand others, and I wonder how they survive. From being born in 1964 i’ve fought to survive, I was taught right from wrong, respect your elders, and help wherever needed. I think I was in the wrong place when I had my counselling, but then again maybe she had something to learn. I was never given the answers to my questions why she said that, and a question I asked her because of that percentage of doubt that was in my mind about the abuse when I was 12, which was can you ever be 100 percent sure of anything, her answer was immediate that she was 100 percent sure she wasn’t gay. This came back to me after they showed me the door, that for someone to say that then there must have been a compromise in her past by a female client.

    • Adelyn Birch

      What a bizarre answer she gave you! I’ll give you mine: We can never be 100% sure of anything, but we don’t need to be. We only need to trust ourselves and our perceptions enough to make an educated guess in our own best interest.

      • Angela Firth

        Sorry I didn’t get back to you. Had a Ted Hughes meeting last night, things going good there. Thanks for your words, it seems that they get away with dishing out this treatment to clients who are vulnerable, making them believe that they caused whatever to happen. People that do this are no better than my ex-stepfather who abused my two sister’s and I. These people hide in rules and regs, knowing that they are protected, they are never questioned. No matter what road you go down to stop this happening the door is shut in your face. No-one cares until its too late, then its just like the Rotherham scandal. Its ok for them to say we’ve helped this many people, but what about those they have let down ? Does it take me to commit suicide and leave every bit of my paperwork on this with a friend to fight after the event, to show what is really going on. I’d rather me do this than read in the paper that someone else has taken their life for the treatment given from BSARCS and all that sail that ship.

        • Adelyn Birch

          I really don’t know what to say, except the obvious—killing yourself is the wrong way to deal with this. Your plan comes across to me as a distorted over-responsibility. My advice to you is to seek help for yourself first, because if you’re not here then you won’t be able to help anyone else. There are many good therapists, far more than bad ones, and someone who specializes in trauma can help you deal with your feelings of powerlessness and injustice. All I can do is what I’ve already done, to listen and empathize and wish you well. I hope you will get the help you need. You deserve it and you are worth it. My best wishes to you, Angela.

  26. Rudy

    My wife was sexually abused by a pastor around 16 years ago when she was 30 and he was more than twice her age, it happened over a period of three weeks and then she told me. In 2015 it happened again with a man 16 years older and this lasted for one year. I did a lot of research on the subject about clergy sexual abuse and psychopaths. They where both psychopaths. The mistake we made was that after the pastor we where both to devastated that we never really went for any therapy to correct the vulnerabilities. My wife was sexually abused by her stepbrother and emotionally abused in the home. She never had a father that cared. The steps where the same in both scenarios, she was initially raped a couple of times and then coerced into an affair by fear, shame, guilt, love bombing, emotionally controlling etc. It is frightening how psychopathic these people are. She knew in her conscious mind that it was wrong and recognised what it was from day one, but it is as if she didn’t know how to stop it. She tried a couple of times to stop it. As confirmed by my research the way to stop it is by talking to someone that has your goodwill so that the bond can be broken. It is still hurtful and we both sit with hurt. We are currently going for therapy and this helps a lot to get through the hurt. The first psychologist we went to for therapy said she must face him, can you believe that, after we both told the psychologist that he is a psychopath. She had to resign her work as the psychopath can come and go at the work place. I think we are still in a PTS situation from the pastor first incident as we never went for therapy.

    • Adelyn Birch

      Your wife has been through an awful lot, Rudy, and so have you. Sorry all this has happened. She’s very fortunate to have you sticking by her and helping her. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s still experiencing PTS, with such a history of abuse. You may not have gone to therapy after the first clergy incident, but it’s never to late to work through it. I wish you and your wife all the best.

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