Book Review: The Other Side of Charm: Your Memoir, by H.G. Beverly

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Cover of the book "The Other Side of Charm" by HG BeverlyA few days ago I read a memoir so important, so effective, and so deeply moving that I feel compelled to tell you about it:

“The Other Side of Charm: Your Memoir,” by author, psychotherapist and psychopath survivor H.G. Beverly.

I’ve read many books on the subject of psychopathic abuse, but none even comes close to exposing the diabolical minds of these predators, the inner workings of their manipulation, or the harm suffered by their victims, to the degree this book does. Not even close. Beverly, writing in her unique and shockingly effective style, conveys her experience in a way that takes it to another level, one that’s infinitely deeper and darker than any other memoir I’ve read.

Beverly grabs you on page one and takes you into the psychological pressure cooker with her, closes the lid, and turns it on high. If you’ve already been there, she takes you back again.

I found out quickly why the book’s subtitle is “Your Memoir.” As she so effectively illustrates her abusive partner’s modus operandi and the effect it had on her, I clearly saw my ex and myself within her words. I felt it. All over again. Viscerally and emotionally. The bewilderment, the disbelief, the shock, the pain and the sadness came rushing back, raw and real. I couldn’t put it down, yet sometimes it was too much and I had to. When I did, I realized I had barely been breathing.

Through her words, she told my own story in a way I never could. Although the details may differ, this is the personal memoir of every survivor.

Not being a parent, it gave me a deep appreciation for what parents experience, how children are manipulated and used as pawns, and for the legal nightmare many are dragged into, sometimes for one exhausting year after the next. The travesty of justice she experienced was mind-blowing and tied my already vaguely nauseated stomach into a hard tangle of knots.

WARNING: This book will trigger you. Also, it contains some graphic and heartbreaking accounts of animal abuse.

Every therapist, lawyer, judge, guardian, and anyone potentially involved with psychopaths and/or their victims needs to read this book. Even if you choose not to read it, please give a copy to your therapist or lawyer or pastor or friend. I will be sending a copy to my former therapist, and hope she will pass it on to others. It’s just that important. So many people who really need to be aware remain in the dark, to the great detriment of the victims. I believe this book can make a difference.

Here are a few excerpts from the first chapter:

“You will fall in love. Your love will come to you from the southeast in some kind of subtle-sparkle-smoke fog coming in through the cracks around your door sweeping across the room to you there where you’ll be reading on your sofa he’ll be reaching his hands down around your waist filling your eyes with his glow so intense that you will not keep yourself from looking over and away. Lids half closed to shield your eyes. Your love will not be able to stay away will come to you in the morning and in the afternoon and in the evening and in the middle of the night your love will wake you from a dream with strong coffee will relax your rigid bones with a glass of wine will make you wonder why you’ve been working so hard all this time you’ll watch him coming toward you and his smoke will serenade your heart so this is passion…

You won’t have known what it could be what might happen in your heart when the sparks start flying to the sky when the light show creates a fog and you won’t have known what love could feel like to be lost what the smoke might do to your heart all engulfed in that glittering, hazy mist no time to come up for air you won’t even bother trying. You won’t have known what it could be until it finds its way in through the cracks and then you’ll know that nothing was like this before so this is the one there’s no way of saying no when God sends you the smoke you don’t question your destiny.

You won’t question your destiny.”

 

Be sure to visit H.G. Beverly’s blog for some excellent articles. If you do read the book, or if you’ve already read it, please share your thoughts by leaving a comment. Thank you.

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Guest Post: The Crime in Emotional Rape and Rape by Fraud

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merry christmas

The Crime in Emotional Rape and Rape by Fraud

by Joyce M. Short

Emotional rape and rape by fraud are forms of rape in which no physical force is used to breach the victim’s knowing consent, so criminal penal code has a tough time figuring out how to treat it. Most of us conferring on this blog have experienced one or both forms of rape and can attest to them truly being an act of “rape”. However, whether prosecution exists to protect the victim differs from state to state.

Emotional rape is the act of defrauding someone of their highest emotion, which is love, through acts of deceit. Typically victims are mislead regarding the intent or commitment of the suitor. The perpetrator partakes of the loving emotion of their prey through deliberate and planned subterfuge. The likelihood of criminal prosecution ever being established for this treachery is very low.

Not so with rape by fraud, however, which often takes place concurrently with emotional rape. In several states, when a person uses false identity distortion to breach knowing consent, their hoax is a criminal offense. Such distortion would include lying about one’s factual biographical information such as age, religion, marital status, communicable disease, and more. In any other form of fraud, this type of misrepresentation would be considered a material misrepresentation, and would be punishable as a crime.

I plan to remedy the disparity in the laws through the publication of my book, Carnal Abuse by Deceit, How a Predator’s Lies Became Rape. In it, I chronicle the crime that defiled me, explain the moral depravity of psychopaths, and explain why escaping the toxic glue of a predatory relationship is so difficult.

In my book, I have attempted to address all aspects of the problem; how it happens, why it happens, and what to do if it happens to you or someone you love. I hope to continue helping people recover from relationship treachery in my blog, www.CADalert.blogspot.com.

Often victims of deceit are blamed for being victims. We even blame ourselves. By relating my tale, I hope to dispel that myth. Mainstreaming the concept that emotional predators exist is a must in order to rid society of their prevalence. I believe the awareness of my story, A.B. Admin’s story, our blogs, and the efforts of a host of others, can make that happen.

A.B. Admin deserves appreciation from all of us for her diligent attempts to shed light on the heartless practices that have so painfully diminished our lives. I’d like to invite readers who have been victims of rape by fraud and/or emotional rape to learn more and continue your journey to recovery through my book and my blog. You will be able to leave your comments there, where together we can focus on stopping predators in their tracks, providing validation as well as information and restoring dignity to our lives. Please join me at www.CADalert.blogspot.com.

********

Merry Christmas and Happy holidays to all of you ♥ Admin

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Psychopaths and Love, the book, is now available

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P_and_L_Cover copy*UPDATE October 22nd: The book is now available as a paperback on Amazon. Thanks to all of you who have purchased the book so far! Please leave positive feedback on Amazon if you liked it. Many thanks.*

Psychopaths and Love is now available as a book! I’ve taken the best and most popular posts and pages, along with some new material, and organized it so it gives you what you need to know, in a logical and concise way.

Learn what a psychopath is and how to possibly spot one if you’re being pursued. Find out what makes you vulnerable. Read about how the psychopathic bond is created and how you get trapped in it. Learn how to tell if you’re being manipulated. And get ideas about healing afterward along with preventing it from happening again — or for the first time.

This book is perfect for you if:

  • You follow this blog.
  • You want a greater understanding of these pathological relationships, presented in a concise and logical way, from someone who has experienced it.
  • You are or know of a young person just entering the dating arena. Awareness may help! It’s certainly not foolproof, but at least it can give you or someone else a chance.
  • You’re out there dating after many years as a single person, or you’re just getting back to it after a breakup or divorce.
  • You’re female, male, gay, straight, or other. Although I write this blog from the point of view I experienced, I’ve heard from many people from all walks of life who tell me it applies to their situation, too.
  • You’re breathing (no one is immune, after all).

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The Mask of the Psychopath

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Grown-up red riding hood being pursued by a charming wolf wearing a mask

What is the mask of a psychopath? Where does the mask come from? And what can he do with it?

The psychopath’s mask — which is what allows him to go undetected – stems from his lack of an identity. 

Having an identity restricts a person to acting in ways that are in accordance with the characteristics of that identity.  For example, if someone is (or at least believes that she is) shy and reserved, she will have a hard time being outgoing in most situations.She believes that’s just the way she is, and that may be true. If you ask her to describe her personality, she’ll say “I’m shy and quiet. I’m an  introvert.”

Since the psychopath has only the vaguest sense of identity  (if he has one at all) he is totally free from the hindrances and restrictions an identity confers. Instead, he assumes whatever persona will work to get him whatever it is he wants from any given person at any given time. This persona he assumes is the “mask.”

One way the psychopath uses this mask is to create the “soul mate” relationship you believed you had in the beginning.

Here’s how that happens, according to Marriage counselor Gary Cundiff, MFT. He believes that psychopaths select targets based on their best qualities. Then, the predators morph themselves into copies of their targets, so that they appear to be perfect partners:

“Using each piece of information, they create the disguise — a mask carefully constructed to look like their prospective target. Flawlessly, they weave a picture of their mark… precisely reflecting the brightest, most honorable aspects of your personality, sewing in the most desirable and wanted details, literally stealing your persona, mirroring this image back, without the defects of character, flaws and shortcomings…”

 “…The attraction is irresistible. People are attracted to those who are similar to themselves. By transforming themselves into a reflection of their prospective prey, the psychopath becomes the most alluring figure imaginable, and the propensity to trust that person becomes compelling.”

 As a result, “You experience a sense of oneness like none other. At the emotional center of this connection is intensity never felt before, making the appeal addictive.”

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The question that remains

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emile-friant-woman-with-a-lion

Emile Friant “Woman with a Lion”

My purpose for this blog was to make sense of my own experience, and to try to help others by sharing what I learned.

Since then, I’ve realized I’ll never really “make sense” of it. I can understand the dynamics of it and know what really happened, but it will never really make sense.

What happened to us is not anything we would have ever expected to happen. It doesn’t exist within our world views or our value systems, so it never can make sense. And because we are wired to make sense of things and resolve things, we keep trying to come to a nice, tidy conclusion that ties up all the loose ends. Forget it. It will remain forever dissonant.

What I realized is that even if I can apply the facts about psychopaths and the similarities of other people’s experiences to my own situation, something big was still missing. An important question remains unanswered, and will probably always remain unanswered. So instead of forever trying to figure out this riddle I was left with as a parting gift, this answer came to me:

Stop trying to reconcile the irreconcilable.  

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Faith that you will heal is the key to healing

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Little_Red_Riding_Hood_-_Project_Gutenberg_etext_19993

In the darkest hours, you may wonder if you will ever heal from something so awful as having been the victim of a psychopath. The experience might have left you questioning the meaning and purpose of your life, and in life in general.

Where do you go from here?

There are some first steps that can get you started on the road that leads you up and out of the dark place you find yourself in now.

Gaining a clear understanding of what happened is necessary. It’s important to have this understanding because when you do, you can begin to stop blaming yourself for the end of the relationship; or if you already know what really happened, then you can stop blaming yourself for having fell for a predator and his manipulation.

There are plenty of resources available to help you to understand. This website and others like it that are written by people who have been through the same thing can offer a wealth of information and, just as important, let you know that you’re not alone. There are also plenty of websites, books, and articles by experts. I’ve listed many of these resources in the sidebar.

Another vital part of the foundation of healing is faith. This doesn’t mean religious faith; it refers to the belief that you will heal. Having faith that you will heal means that even after all you’ve been through, you want to heal and you believe that you will, even if you don’t know how that will happen right now. 

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