Memory Manipulation: An Investigation
That summer was magical. Can you remember it? An ethereal beauty veiled the world. Each moment was suspended in time that dripped like dark, sweet molasses. You swam naked in a black lake under a golden moon, whispering secrets only the wind will ever know. Sparkling...
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Broken Hearts Can Surrender
Broken hearts can surrender: to a beat that is tender Throughout the life of this website, a theme has been materializing within the comments section. Whether you came here while in a place of of dark despair or were further along on your journey, many of you chose to...
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Dark Night of the Collective Soul
"There is no anchor any more. At the core of the administration of the most powerful country on earth, there is, instead, madness." ~ Andrew Sullivan, "The Madness of King Donald," The New Yorker It came as a twilight, an eerie dusk whose faded light revealed the...
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SAFE ZONE for Victims of Married Psychopaths
his website is a safe zone for those of you who were victimized by a married psychopath or narcissist, and also for those of you who were married when you were victimized. There is no judgement here. I...
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MALIGNANT NARCISSISM: Even Worse Than It Sounds
Who put the "psycho" in psychopath? A malignant narcissist, that's who. A malignant narcissist is like taking a psychopath, a narcissist, and a hostile, paranoid sadist, and rolling them all into one. I never gave much thought to the term "malignant narcissist." It's...
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Dark Night of the Soul: A Spiritual and Existential Crisis
One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche Through victimization by a psychopathic person, we enter the dark night of the soul---a period of spiritual desolation in which all sense of consolation is...
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Blue Christmas
"In the bleak midwinter Earth stood hard as iron, Water like a stone Snow had fallen, snow on snow, snow on snow In the bleak midwinter, long ago." (In the Bleak Midwinter, a Christmas carol) If the words above describe how you feel, my heart goes out to you. I’m...
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MASS MANIPULATION: How Did it Happen?
“In a time of deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act.” (George Orwell, 1984) Something bizarre is going on. Every day, there is more drama. Everywhere, despite mounting evidence, people are denying facts. At every turn, we hear words unbound by truth or...
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TOPSY-TURVY WORLD
I once wrote here that "in the psychopath’s world, things are topsy-turvy. The psychopath sees our strengths as flaws, and sees his flaws as strengths. Things like love and trust and compassion make us fools who are easy to manipulate, while their ability to lie,...
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Illusions Shattered, Innocence Lost, Identity Shaken
“That sense of loss grew within the humans who had been left behind, left to live without unicorns. Even the ones who had never seen a unicorn, never heard of a unicorn, felt the passing of something sweet and wonderful. It was as if the air had surrendered a bit of...
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All the World’s a Stage… To a Psychopath
IMAGINE, for a moment, being a psychopath. Try to imagine not having a conscience. What would that be like? You would not have any feelings of guilt, shame or remorse, no matter how immoral or even heinous an action you'd taken. Imagine having no concern for anyone,...
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Reality, Denied: GASLIGHTING
"I NEVER said that!" (my psychopathic ex) The entire "relationship" with my psychopathic ex was one long episode of gaslighting, as they are for all of us. “Gaslighting” is a term commonly used to describe behavior that is inherently manipulative. At its core,...
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A MUST-READ If You Ask Yourself “WHY DID I STAY?” or “WHY CAN’T I LEAVE?”
Why did you stay? Why did I, and why did the rest of us? If you're still involved, why can't you leave? Find out below. In the process, free yourself from needless self-blame and shame. It is tremendously powerful to understand the facts of your experience. It...
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Reasonable Facsimile
YOU were a reasonable facsimile. Closer inspection revealed Your leaking battery and rusted springs Plastic painted to resemble flesh And an old watch ticking in place of a heart. Factory-made. Wind you up And you smiled You danced You sang...
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In the Aftermath: GRIEF
The person you loved---maybe more than you ever loved anyone before---and who loved you just as much, is gone from your life, never to return. Of course you're grieving. But wait a minute, you tell yourself. You shouldn't be grieving because you know this person...
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Fear, Hatred and Superstition VS Empowerment
Early on in my trauma, I felt incredibly and unbearably vulnerable. And I hated the psychopath I'd been involved with. In fact, I hated all psychopaths. I feared them, too. They terrified me. I felt there might be one lurking behind every bush and every smiling face....
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Never Get Involved with a Psychopath, Narcissist, Sociopath—Or Any Abuser—Ever Again
None of us wants to be involved in another abusive relationship. How can we prevent it? I regularly hear from people who want to know the difference between narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths and how to tell them apart. They want to know what to look for,...
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Curiosity Killed the Cat: The Harbingers of Intuition
He captured my attention, right away. I didn't know why. All he was doing was leaning casually against a wall in the back of the room, hands in his pockets, chewing a piece of gum and looking down at his shoe. He certainly wasn't someone I'd normally take special...
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Defeated? Damaged? Destroyed? TURN, TURN, TURN!
“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with...
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“I Should Have Known”
"I should have known." Are you still telling yourself that, or believing others who say it? "Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards." ~ Søren Kierkegaard Such a simple phrase, and yet so rich with meaning and...
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I Promise You, I’m No Gigolo!
"I promise you, I'm no gigolo!" The psychopath I was involved with said that to me one night, out of nowhere. As it turned out, he was absolutely a gigolo. Even worse, he was a psychopathic one. His promise was broken. When he made that promise, I was...
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A Grin Without a Cat
ell! I’ve often seen a cat without a grin,” thought Alice; “but a grin without a cat! It’s the most curious thing I ever saw in my life!” (ALICE’S ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND, LEWIS CARROLL) Alice's...
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The Psychopath: An Empty Boat
If a man is crossing a river And an empty boat collides with his own boat, He will not become very angry. But if he sees a man in the boat, He will shout to him to steer clear. And if the shout is not heard he will shout Again, and yet again, and begin cursing - And...
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Your Feedback is Needed for Doctoral Research
Your input is needed for a study on survivors of abusive romantic relationships with psychopaths and narcissists. This is a valuable opportunity to share your experience with a researcher who understands, and who wants to learn more. I have already taken the study and...
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You Are Not Your Thoughts: How METACOGNITION Can Help You Heal
"You are not the voice of the mind—you are the one who hears it.” (Michael Singer, author of The Surrender Experiment) Recently, I received a message from a reader who said that although two years had passed since the end of her traumatic relationship with a...
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Objectification and Dehumanization in Abusive Relationships
Objectification is, above all, the alienation of spirit from itself. Nikolai Berdyaev Objectification and dehumanization are what make possible genocide, pedophilia, stalking, rape, torture, racism, war, serial killing and terrorism. They also make...
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Tired of being used, invalidated, manipulated and devalued? PRESS THE BUTTON!
Are you tired of being taken for granted, used, invalidated, disrespected, manipulated and devalued? Do you want to have relationships with healthy, normal people? Could your self-confidence use a boost? Press the Button! [related_posts_by_tax...
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It’s Not You, It’s Me and My Hyper-Reactive Dopaminergic Reward System
Neurons as art, by painter and neuroscientist Gregg Dunn hen the psychopath I was involved with discarded me, he was enraged. With a voice full of anger and contempt, he shouted, "You bore me! I'm...
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Genuine Attraction, Manipulation or Something More? Dr. Rhonda Freeman Explains
esterday I found a nice surprise in my inbox---a comment from Rhonda Freeman, PhD, clinical neuropsychologist and psychopathy expert. She had come to answer a reader's question, clarifying and expanding on...
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Psychopathic Medicine and The White Wall of Silence
oday I'm deviating from the subject of psychopaths and love, and delving instead into psychopaths and medicine, for good reason: so you can protect yourself and your loved ones when you seek medical...
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Feeling Crazy? Unstable? Unhinged?
f you weren't "crazy," unstable or *borderline before you were involved with an abusive manipulator, chances are good that you aren't now. But after being blamed and called crazy by the abuser, disbelieved...
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You Are Born of Chaos and Stars, and Are Stronger and More Resilient Than You Know
've said several times on this website, "you are forged by fire." You may have thought is was a metaphor, but it was not. And it was not just any fire, but the explosions of massive stars, called...
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Love Not Bombs: LOVE BOMBING
ou've finally found "the one." Your relationship seems otherworldly, and your emotional high is so high it feels as if you've taken a potent, euphoria-inducing drug. You believe you've found your soulmate...
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First, Do No Harm: Abusive Psychotherapists
ALL IMAGES IN THIS POST ARE BY CDD20 | 愚木混株| SHANGHAI, CHINA hen reaching out for help after an abusive relationship, some people end up being re-traumatized by a therapist. Others sustained their...
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Others Have It Worse Than Me: SELF-INVALIDATION
hen I was small my mother told me, "Finish your dinner! There are children starving in Africa." I promptly suggested that we box up my dinner, along with some of the food in the pantry, and send it to...
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Knowledge is Power: Never Be Manipulated Again
ever let anyone get away with manipulating you again. Empower yourself! Identifying covert emotional manipulation is tricky. You sense something is wrong, but you can't quite put your finger on the...
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Thoughts On the Eve of the New Year
May you have peace of mind in the midst of uncertainty, love to replace your fear, an absolute faith in yourself, a deep understanding of your true worth, the strength to meet your challenges, the resilience to heal, dear friends who truly know and love you, an open...
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A Holiday Wish for You
eartfelt holiday wishes, gratitude and thanks to each of you, without whom this website would be nothing more than words written on the ether. They are only given meaning when they connect with you....
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Persistence of Memory: The Phenomenon of Intrusive Thoughts
"It feels like a thorn in my brain." That's how one reader described the intrusive thoughts that plague us long after a psychopath is out of our lives. Other descriptions I've heard: A self-replicating thought spiral A consciousness parasite A worm in my psyche...
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Greatest Hits, Vol. 1: How Can You Tell if You’re Being Manipulated?
Image by The Wandering Faun ou may have missed this post, but I wouldn't want you to because it's an important one. Even if you read it before, it's worth a review. We all have some concern about...
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Into the Mirror… and Out Again
sychopaths know they have to hide what they truly are in order to win your heart. A psychopath knows you would not want anything to do with him or her if they didn't. And when they're trying to trap...
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The Wizards of Id
Follow the yellow brick road Follow the yellow brick road Follow the rainbow over the stream Follow the fellow who follows a dream... hen we inadvertently followed a psychopath down their yellow...
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Psychopaths Are Boring. We Are Fascinating.
Psychopaths are boring. We are fascinating. How do we know this is true? They're in constant pursuit of us, while we try to do everything we can to stay away from them. They have to play games with us because they have nothing real to offer. They...
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EMPATHY: What It Is and Why You Need It
“One doesn’t have to operate with great malice to do great harm. The absence of empathy and understanding are sufficient.” (Charles M. Blow) any of you reading this have been involved with...
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Psychopathy… Or Asperger’s Syndrome?
“Talking with my ex-husband is like smashing my head against a wall or drowning in a river. We were not speaking the same language and misunderstandings were the rule. I learned the hard way what Asperger Syndrome was.” ~ Anonymous...
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Psychopathy: Is It In Their Eyes?
“It’s their eyes that are the most remarkable feature. How they drill into you.” (Dr. Robert Hare, psychopathy expert) o a psychopath's eyes give them away? Are they a reliable sign we can use to...
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To Trust or Not To Trust… Is That the Question?
“It was a mistake. But the cruel thing was, it felt like the mistake was mine, for trusting you.” (David Levithan, The Lover's Dictionary) ow will I ever trust again? That's a question I hear...
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The Transformative Power of Telling Your Story
"Writing is an essential step in telling one's story, because writing enables us to create order out of memory's chaos." ~ Leila Levinson, author of Gated Grief: The Daughter of a GI Concentration Camp Liberator Discovers a Legacy of Trauma "Stories" is...
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The Peace and Healing of Acceptance
“It is so. It cannot be otherwise.” ~ Inscription on the Ruins of a 15th Century Cathedral in Amsterdam hat is acceptance? And how can it help you heal from the trauma of psychopathic victimization?...
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Want To Reclaim Your Power? Re-Write Your Story!
“It is by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life. Where you stumble, there lies your treasure.” (Joseph Campbell) here is a difference between what happened and the story you tell...
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Warning Others: Will It Work?
"Thank God I'm not the only one, but what can we do as a collective to warn people about these sick individuals so they don't keep harming others?" ~ A comment from a reader er question is a good...
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Michelle Carter: Depraved Heart Murderer?
"You always say you're gonna do it, but you never do. I just want to make sure tonight is the real thing." (Michelle Carter) UPDATE: On Friday, June 16, 2017, Michelle Carter, now 20, was found guilty of involuntary manslaughter. She will be sentenced in August...
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11 Places Psychopaths Hunt
Where do psychopaths hunt, and how do they do it? How you can avoid becoming their prey? When psychopaths see an opportunity, they go for it. Since they're opportunists, you can be targeted by one of them anywhere. But some places do present a higher risk than others....
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Get Your Psychopath Decoder Ring, While Supplies Last!
The Psychopath Decoder Ring for women... Get your very own Psychopath Decoder Ring! Slip this unique high-tech, handcrafted ring onto your finger, and it begins to work. Perpetual motion design makes batteries obsolete. The only thing you need to do in addition to...
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Why You? And How Did You Get Trapped?
"Why me? And how did I get trapped?" ~ A Reader All of us asked ourselves these questions. It's important to try and answer them. Why you? Psychopaths can sense who will be receptive. What made you receptive? The answer to that question is different for each...
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The Healing Power of Awe
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” ~ W.B. Yeats One day I was reading a psychopath's blog (as I am sometimes prone to doing) and he asked if someone would please explain something to him. He said that when he...
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Manipulation: How Far Can It Go?
“I don’t understand why she would give it all up for a piece of sh*t killer. He must have played some serious mind games on her.” ~ A relative of Joyce Mitchell When this story was unfolding in the news, I thought it would turn into a Major Teaching Moment...
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Is He or Isn’t He? Why It Doesn’t Matter
Dole or Chiquita? Either way, this guy's bananas. Is he or isn't he? That is the question. Or is it? "We had a fight, and I can see that he is genuinely feeling awful from the pics he posts of himself on FB. I know there are different levels of psychopathy, but if he...
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Intensity or Intimacy? A Relationship Litmus Test
"I was addicted to a high that only my abuser could give me. Because the lower an abuser puts someone, the higher they can elevate them." ~ Amanda Domuracki, Culture Shock, The Highs and Lows of Emotional Abuse ...
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Emotional Vampires: How To Keep Them Out of Your Life
Thomas Burke, The Nightmare "Emotional Vampires will use you to meet whatever needs they happen to be experiencing at the moment. They have no qualms about taking your effort, your money, your love, your attention, your admiration, your body, or your soul to...
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Words are More Real Than Reality
“The basic tool for the manipulation of reality is the manipulation of words.” - Phillip Dick Words are more real than reality. Of course they're not really more real, but it sure seems that way sometimes. Manipulators know this; it's how they're able to do what they...
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Who Dares Conquer?
A short poem, by me for you! Who Dares Conquer Slumbering, We stand within a dream Above Below And nothing in between Alone amidst a distant place, Our backs are turned to beauty And to grace. Before accepting Of defeat Let wonder slip Between...
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Invalidation: I Refuse to Have This Discussion!
"When we invalidate people or deny their perceptions and personal experiences, we make mental invalids of them. When one’s feelings are denied a person can be made to feel crazy even when they are perfectly mentally healthy.” (R.D. Laing, MD, psychiatrist) ...
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Self-Respect: The Key to Everything
"Self love, self respect, self worth – all interlinked and vital." ~ Jane Thorne Self respect can be in short supply after being manipulated, abused and devalued by a psychopath. Losing our self respect stems from the feeling that we compromised our own values,...
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The Self-Compassion Effect
Step outside yourself for a moment, if you will, and turn and look at yourself. There you are, the 'you' who was mistreated and who is now treating yourself so harshly, who is feeling shame, despair, doubt, outrage, confusion, self-doubt, deep sadness, anger,...
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Forgiveness: The Other F-Word
You can probably tell by the title that I'm not an advocate of forgiving ruthless predators who victimize without remorse and who will keep doing so. If you have chosen to forgive and it helps you heal, that's great. This blog post is for those of you who feel you...
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The Cult of Two
“Power is in tearing human minds to pieces and putting them together again in new shapes of your own choosing.” ~ George Orwell, 1984 That quote describes perfectly the radical psychological process of brainwashing. A person involved with a psychopath was manipulated,...
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Angry? There’s a Reason for That
"Anger is never without a reason, but seldom with a good one." ~ Benjamin Franklin That passes as good advice? I don't believe it should. Anger is a universal emotion that exists for a reason. Yes, sometimes it's unwarranted, but it's up to each of us to decide if our...
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DOUBT: Friend or Foe?
Doubt is the main theme when involved with a psychopath. They are the embodiment of duplicity, contradiction, and confusion. The whole charade exists under the shadow of doubt. Doubt permeates it like a thick fog blanketing a city. It seeps through the tiniest cracks,...
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Moral Injury: The Hidden Wound to the Soul
When inward tenderness finds the secret hurt, Pain itself will crack the rock and Ahhh! let the soul emerge. ~ Rumi You were victimized by a psychopath, a person with a disorder characterized by egocentricity, deceitfulness, impulsivity, a lack of empathy, the...
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Backed Into an Emotional Corner
You always overreact! You're unstable! You have a problem with anger! You're... CRAZY! hances are good that you were accused of at least a few of these things if you were involved with a manipulator....
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At the Intersection of Truth and Lies: Self-Blame
“You saddled me with a lie I never deserved. I won’t forgive you for it… You led me to believe I was responsible.” ~ The Prize, Irving Wallace Most people experience self-blame after involvement with a psychopath, for good reason. These master manipulators are...
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Emergency: Self-Blame
Self-Blame is the subject of this 'emergency' blog post. I heard from a reader a couple of days ago who put the issue of self-blame front and center in my thoughts. Self-blame lurks in many of the comments written here, and although I've talked about it in the subtext...
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The Most Powerful Motivator on the Planet: Intermittent Reinforcement
here is nothing like the elation and bliss of new love. Especially when you believed you had found 'the one.' That took it to another level. You may have felt you never really knew what love was before....
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Down the Rabbit Hole
You fell down the rabbit hole. You didn't know it -- you only thought you had found true love. You left the mundane world behind and didn't look back, nor did you want to. You were let in on the secret handshake. You finally got a break, and it was about time. It...
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The Known, the Unknown and the Unknowable
“There are things known and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors of perception.” ~ Aldous Huxley he unknown is encountered in the midst of the known. It...
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The Unique and Powerful Harm of Betrayal
"There’s coming out of relationships, there’s getting your heart broken, and then there’s that rare and special time you crawl out of a relationship bleeding at your knees, heart shattered, brain smashed, gut splattered and wondering what the point of reality is. The...
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Your Own Personal Apocalypse
“I can't go on. I'll go on.” (Samuel Beckett) Most of us have said those words in the aftermath of a psychopath. At first, we think "I can't go on." Those days are the darkest. At some point, we dare to think "I'll go on," even though we're not sure how. We can see...
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A Pearl of Truth and Wisdom
Today I received a comment from a reader named Lovisa. I'm sharing it here so all of you will read it. I've said it before in different ways, but it's a fundamental truth worth repeating a hundred times, and Lovisa has captured and expressed it perfectly. It is the...
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A New Book is Born — MORE Psychopaths and Love
I'm very excited to announce the birth of a new book, More Psychopaths and Love. If you were the victim of psychopathic abuse, or just want to learn about it, this book is for you. I send it out into the world with the wish that it will find its way into the...
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You Had the Power All Along
Power without compassion is the worst kind of evil there is. ~ E.J. Patten, Return to Exile In order to win our love and trust, a psychopath must gain two things -- power and control. Without those, they are nothing. The greater the power, the more dangerous the...
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The Holy Grail of the Psychopath
Psychopaths put on quite a show to gain our love and trust. They create a grand illusion, complete with arrow-slinging cupids and fireworks worthy of the Fourth of July. To be able to do that they have to pretend to be something they're not, day after day. They know...
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Paradox and Confusion
"It is an interesting paradox because inside my head I am positively insane but 'outside' my head I am perfectly normal (when need be)." ~ anonymous psychopath That someone can be insane but appear normal is an incredible paradox. How can it be possible?...
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The Game You Didn’t Know You Were Playing
When targeted by a psychopath, we unwittingly become an opponent in a game we don't even know we're playing. The stakes are high and the odds are stacked in their favor. They make the rules, and play to win. How could they lose, with such unfair advantages? On our...
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Protect Your Most Valuable Asset — YOU
There was a time, not so long ago or far away, when "psychopathic predator" was not on my mental list of Things That Could Possibly Go Wrong. It never entered my awareness, so there was no way I could have expected it or prepared myself to deal with it. It was as if I...
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After the Psychopath: Moving From Fear to Confidence
After my involvement with the psychopath, I felt afraid. I wasn't just afraid of him -- I also felt fearful in a general way, experiencing a sense of fear that wasn't attached to anything specific. A 'free-floating' sense of fear is a good way to describe it,...
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Convicted, Diagnosed and Institutionalized? Not Enough To Stop a Psychopath
Imagine, for a moment, that you are working in a maximum security psychiatric hospital that houses mentally ill and disordered male convicts who are placed in your facility by the courts. In particular, you work with patients (inmates, really) who are involuntarily...
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What Zombies Can Teach Us About Psychopaths
Is a psychopath conscious? First, what does it mean to be conscious? Consciousness is our subjective experience. It's the feeling of being inside your own head, looking out. The philospher David Chalmers explores "the hard problem of consciousness, or, to use...
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Emotion or Logic? Three Ways to Have Them Both
About a year after my experience of being involved with a psychopath, I had a conversation with an acquaintance about dating and trust. He told me that when he was much younger, he had begun dating a woman he was enamored with. He idealized her beauty, strength and...
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Face the Truth — What Can You Tell Just By Looking at Someone?
Can you tell who's trustworthy or not, who's a criminal, and who's a narcissist or psychopath just by looking at someone's face? Surprisingly, the answer may be "yes." But it is NOT something you should count on---nothing takes the place of common sense and critical...
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From Adversity, Forge Meaning
On this New Year's day the future opens before us sparkling with promise, yet tainted by the experience of having been victimized by a psychopath. What can we do with that experience, so it doesn't keep us on the side of the road when we want to move forward? We can't...
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Forget Resolutions — Instead, Set Meaningful Intentions for the New Year
There's something about trauma that makes our resolutions of the past seem trite. We may feel uninspired by setting goals to get organized, lose ten pounds, or save more money. Sure, we can still plan to do these things -- but they may not feel like enough to give...
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From the Darkness, a Small Light Shines…A Holiday Wish
The warm glow of the holidays may only seem only to accentuate grief if you are suffering. You may feel like the Little Match Girl or Boy looking in from the outside, shivering alone in the cold and locked out from the all the warmth and joy. I remember a time when...
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The Real Reason You Were Victimized By a Psychopath
You fell for a psychopath. You were duped, and you paid dearly. You lost time. You lost faith in others and in yourself. You experienced unimaginable grief. It's a story that will always be a part of your life. But this story is not a story of your flaws,...
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Resilience — You’ve Got It
Betrayal. Victimization. Devastation. Confusion. A profound loss of faith in God, in Humanity, in Justice. How can we ever recover? I hear from many people who tell me they were destroyed by their experience with a psychopath. If you believe you were, please...
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Can We Ever Trust Again?
"Don't ever trust anyone ever again!" That was my mother's advice to me when I told her about the psychopath. My response was, "How could you want such a terrible life for me?" As I imagined 'never trusting anyone again' because of what the psychopath had done,...
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Is There a “Psycho” In a Psychopath?
Are psychopaths psychotic? It is said that psychopaths aren’t insane, because they have an absence of delusions and other signs of irrational thinking. Is this correct? Something about it doesn't seem quite right. In properly diagnosed psychiatric disorders,...
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Narcissist or Psychopath? What You Need To Know
Dante and Virgil in the Ninth Circle of Hell by Gustave Dore Narcissist or psychopath? It's hard to tell the difference. Both are self-absorbed, arrogant, manipulative and insensitive. They share similar characteristics and behaviors, and both are incredibly...
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Freedom: The Ultimate Relationship Litmus Test
The very first thing I felt after the psychopath discarded me was absolute and utter relief. I remember the long, deep breath I took, and the feeling of my entire body relaxing. This feeling of relief was quickly overpowered by other emotions, but I will never...
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Identifying a Psychopath: 20 Subtle and Hidden Signs
Invisibility is the most disturbing thing about psychopathy. Psychopaths must keep their true nature hidden, and they know how to do so. They're skilled and successful actors and mimics. After all, they can only dupe us if they can first make us...
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Hocus-Pocus: It’s All In the Focus
"You were so vulnerable -- that's why I chose you, and why I was able to bond with you so quickly and so deeply." The psychopath I was involved with spoke these words to me the last time I saw him. It sickened me to hear them and to learn that my suspicions...
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Shame: A Festering Wound of the Soul
Shame. It's the core of our experience with a psychopath. We experience shame when we're with a psychopath, and we experience shame when it's over. Psychopaths are experts at shaming us in so many ways. Even after they're gone, the shame continues as we wonder...
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Fear and Manipulation: Perfect Together
Creating fear is the best way to set someone up for manipulation. Fear is a primal human state. It begins in childhood. Even if no real danger exists, we fear monsters hiding under the bed or in the closet. Fear robs us of our ability to think rationally....
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Compassion For the Psychopath?
I imagine a day in the future when a cure for psychopathy is found. Public announcements will be made informing psychopaths far and wide of free clinics that will offer the cure. An army of nurses in white will stand at the ready, their medicine cups arranged...
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Fox in the Hen House: The Dangers of Forums
Several readers have asked me why I don’t have a forum on this website. The only problem in answering this question is where to begin. I’ll start here: I don't recommend traumatized people visit online forums because of the amount of secondary victimization...
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The Nemesis of the Psychopath: BOREDOM
“Damned if you do, bored if you don’t.” The thought of a bored psychopath is kind of scary. And yet the thought of a psychopath who isn’t bored is kind of scary, too. Seriously, though, psychopaths have a real problem with boredom. They become bored very...
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Shiny Objects: A Deeper Look at Idealization and Devaluation
When a shiny object captures a psychopath’s attention, watch out. They are intensely goal-driven, and their attention is as narrow and focused as a laser beam. When they see something they want they will do whatever it takes to get it. Psychopaths actually see...
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In The Matrix of the Psychopath
The Matrix. One of my favorite movies ever. I got to thinking about how it parallels our experience with a psychopath when a very dear reader, 'efemeris,' said this: "I connect psychopaths to computer hackers and viruses. They come in many forms and differ in...
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What Ebola Can Teach Us About Psychopaths
For the past few days, I’ve wanted to write a post about those suffering with the Ebola virus and the very brave people who help them. Since this is a blog about psychopaths, I needed to find a way to connect them. I found my answer this morning when I went to...
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A Hidden Fact of Psychopaths: They Have No Gender
Do psychopaths have a gender? After my involvement with the psychopath, I got the strange feeling that he didn't really have a gender. When I learned that psychopaths have no identity -- they only create one as needed -- it started to make perfect sense. If...
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The Truth About Female Psychopaths, From Those Who Know
Image courtesy of Alice Popkorn. CC Some Rights Reserved I've wanted to write a post about female psychopaths for a while now, but each time I rolled up my sleeves and set out to find out the facts about them, I became frustrated. All I could find was a...
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Psychopathic Seduction Secrets, Revealed!
WHAT MAKES PSYCHOPATHS SUCH SKILLFUL AND SAVVY SEDUCERS? How do such cold and calculating predators make themselves seem alluring and desirable? FINALLY, HERE THEY ARE... Seduction Secrets of the Psychopath ♥ Psychopaths have a grandiose,...
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Walking Through the Shadow of the Uncanny Valley
The psychopath I was involved with sometimes made strange and disturbing facial expressions. A sad face with the corners of his mouth turned up just a little too much. A high-voltage smile that would have blown every transformer in town if he were hooked up...
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The Big List of Psychopathy Characteristics, Part 3
Part 3 The Big List of Psychopathy Characteristics. What you've seen so far in the first two lists is what lies beneath the psychopath's 'mask,' or persona. It's what the psychopath is trying so hard to hide. But that mask will crack every now and then, and...
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The Big List of Psychopathy Characteristics, Part 2
Part 2 The Big List of Psychopathy Characteristics Today the list includes affective (emotional) characteristics of psychopathy. Again, these are things the psychopath tries to hide. The characteristics of psychopathy are divided into three groups:...
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The Big List of Psychopathy Characteristics, Part One
The Big List, Part One Here it is, the first of three parts of the big list of psychopathy characteristics I've been working on putting together. The characteristics of psychopathy are divided into three groups: Cognitive (thought) Affective (emotion) Behavior...
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BOUNDARIES: Protect Yourself After a Pathological Relationship
Were you involved with a psychopath or other manipulator or abuser in your last relationship? Are you starting to think about taking another chance at love? The thought of new relationships probably makes you nervous. They're not the carefree thing they used to be. In...
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Spaceship Moments: Psychopaths Say the Darndest Things
When he came to see me he parked his spaceship just around the corner, out of my line of sight. He must have. There were so many strange things he said. Out of place. Out of context. Out of the blue. Like an alien being who didn't get humans or life on earth at all,...
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Should You Forgive the Psychopath?
“Norms of forgiveness seem unduly to burden the oppressed.” - Nancy A. Stanlick Forgiveness. It's what good people should do, right? We're told that forgiveness is the only way to get rid of feelings of anger and animosity. We're told that forgiveness acknowledges...
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Never Trust Your Gut…Unless it Tells You to RUN
"Always trust your gut." That's what common wisdom tells us. We've got our built-in Spidey Sense working behind the scenes to protect us, if only we would listen. We've got our Bat Girl or Bat Boy Glasses on, ready to spot the first hint of potential trouble....
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The Psychopath: Truly and Fundamentally Different
"My mother, the most beautiful person in the world. She was strong, she worked hard to take care of four kids. A beautiful person. I started stealing her jewelry when I was in the fifth grade. You know, I never really knew the bitch -- we went our separate ways."...
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It’s Time for More ‘Visitors and Love’
About one year ago, I created a post similar to this one to acknowledge all of you who come to this website. I've decided to make it a yearly tradition. Many more of you find your way here one year later, from many more countries around the world. On an...
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Liminality, the Unsettling Space of In-Between
After our experience in a psychopathic bond, we are shaken to our core. The firm foundation we believed we stood on crumbled beneath us and we hang on, barely, in any way we can. We find ourselves in a liminal place -- a place of 'in-between.' It is a strange place...
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Thoughts On the ‘Self’ in Psychopaths and Narcissists: Guest Post
This guest post is by 'Reality,' a reader of this blog. "After contemplating narcissism and psychopathy, and reading Adelyn's post about what is at the root of psychopathy, I came to some illuminating conclusions. We know that the core feature that characterizes both...
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Are You Contemplating Ending Your Life?
This morning I received a note from a reader named Michael who said, "I am so emotionally devastated that I have been struggling to keep myself safe from suicide." ♥ To Michael and other readers who may be contemplating suicide, my heart goes out to you. I know...
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Falling Into a Parallel Universe
Psychopathy is the best-kept secret. It's a wildly popular subject, and it has been for a while. Psychopathic characters pop up everywhere. They're portrayed in movies and on TV. Best-selling books are written about them. In reams of articles, we hear about...
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Do You Make This Simple (But Dangerous) Mistake About the Psychopathic Mind?
"Misinterpreting the behavior of a disordered character is the first step in the process of being victimized by them." Dr. George Simon Recently I wrote a blog post about errors in our thinking called cognitive biases, those automatic ways our minds work that keep us...
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The Missing Piece in the Puzzle of Psychopathy
As I read all I could find about psychopathy, I found something was missing. A key piece of the puzzle was consistently absent, and it bothered me. I wasn't sure how much this missing piece even mattered, but it seemed important enough to make me search for it and...
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The Hidden Vulnerability We All Have, Revealed
We've learned there are many things that leave us vulnerable to predatory manipulators. But no discussion of what may make us vulnerable is complete without revealing one vulnerability we all have, but that remains hidden from us. We see others and the world through...
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Got Boundaries? Part Five: Important Points and a Wrap-Up
A reader commented on my last post, saying "It’s hard to enforce a boundary when you don’t even know it’s being violated." When dealing with covert manipulators, it won't always be obvious that our boundaries are being tested, pushed and violated. What better...
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Got Boundaries? Part Four: Can Boundaries Protect You?
Can boundaries protect you from a manipulator? Only if you defend them. If you don't, they're useless. Psychopaths and other manipulative people will test your boundaries. Oh yes, they will. They'll poke and they'll prod and they'll huff and they'll puff, hoping your...
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Book Review: The Other Side of Charm: Your Memoir, by H.G. Beverly
A few days ago I read a memoir so important, so effective, and so deeply moving that I feel compelled to tell you about it: “The Other Side of Charm: Your Memoir,” by author, psychotherapist and psychopath survivor H.G. Beverly. I've read many books on the subject of...
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Got Boundaries? Part Three: You Did NOT ‘Participate’ in Your Own Exploitation
A friend brought to my attention a post on a related website asserting that "when we become romantically involved with a sociopath we PARTICIPATE, in one way or another, in our own exploitation." <<<jaw drops>>> I take issue with this idea that we...
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Psychopaths are Not Supernatural Beings With Superpowers
An unsettling theme appears in some of the comments I get from readers on my website. I hear from people regularly who tell me there is no way they will ever be able to protect themselves from another psychopathic victimization. They feel powerless and...
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Got Boundaries? Part Two: How Boundaries Protect You, and a List of Examples of Boundaries
Take a look at the illustration of Lil' Red. She's really changed, hasn't she? A big part of that was learning to be her own protector. She went through quite a trauma with the wolf, and big changes were needed. Isn't this new image of her more appealing, and more...
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Got Boundaries? Part One: What They Are and Why You Need Them
Do you have boundaries? Do you know what they are and why you need them? If not, you're not alone, and it's time to get some. If you do, it's time to polish them up so they're crystal clear, because boundaries are the invisible shield that can protect you from...
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The Stranger Across the Kitchen Table
One day the psychopath I was involved with smiled broadly and said, "We get along great for two strangers, don't we?" My immediate reaction was one of being completely stunned, which turned quickly into hurt and bewilderment. Strangers? We weren't strangers, far from...
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Post-Traumatic Growth
Writing about the hero's journey inspired me to continue with this positive theme and talk about Post-Traumatic Growth (PTG). "Trauma creates a rupture in a person’s life story. Assumptions about ourselves, our place in world, and our expectations about the world are...
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Your Journey is the Hero’s Journey
“It is by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life. Where you stumble, there lies your treasure.” ~Joseph Campbell Recovery from involvement in a psychopathic bond was a long and rocky road. But in the arduous process of healing after it was...
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Soul Mates and Psychopaths
"Soul mates." Those are the words victims use to describe the seemingly magical connection they felt in the beginning of a relationship with a psychopath. I didn't even believe in the concept of soul mates, so I was doubly surprised and amazed when I thought it had...
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Feelings of Loss and Grief After the Psychopath is Gone
"Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow." ~ Leo Tolstoy This morning a reader named Joanna said "I hate myself for missing him. Now I’m grieving badly and I so want to get rid of this heartache and heal." No matter if you end the...
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Advice for Dealing with a Violent Ex
Recently I got a comment from a terrified reader with a violent ex, who didn't know where to turn. She wrote, "Two years ago I found out I was pregnant with our second child. Let me tell you, it does NOT get better. During that pregnancy, I endured abuse both...
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Psychopaths and Love, the Book, is Now Available
Psychopaths and Love is now available as a book! I've taken the best and most popular posts and pages (through November 2013) and organized it so it gives you what you need to know, in a logical and concise way. Learn what a psychopath is and how to possibly...
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The Mask of the Psychopath
What is the mask of a psychopath? Psychopaths wear a 'mask' -- a fake persona -- to hide who they really are. They construct different masks for different people and situations, and use those masks to manipulate and get what they want. They are astute observers of...
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Time for Some Visitors and Love Instead of Psychopaths and Love
On an average day, between 400 and 700 visitors come to this website. Consistently, about 150 of you are returning again after having visited before. Yesterday, over 600 people visited. You came from 36 different countries, including the U.S., Ireland, England,...
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How to Avoid a Relationship with a Psychopath
When we’re imagining our ideal relationship, no one thinks: “I want to be in an unhappy relationship with a person who is only out to dominate and humiliate me, and who will use me for sex and entertainment along the way. Ideally, he’ll be someone who has no respect...
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More Awe and Beauty
More awe and beauty to remind you that life is much more than what you can see right now. This may resonate with you in an unexpected way. Here is Felix Baumgartner, jumping into the void from 128,000 feet (24+ miles up) and reaching a speed of 834 MPH, without a...
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Let’s Take a Break for Beauty
I just came across this gorgeous video and I want to share it with you. Put aside all the ugliness for just 5 minutes, and instead witness a glimpse of the inexplicable beauty of life. There is just something about this video that captures it so well, at least for me....
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How Can You Distinguish Real Love From Victimization by a Psychopath?
I've been asked the same question several times by people who read "Red Flags of a Psychopath" on this website: "This sounds like a description of a couple falling deeply in love. How is it different? How can I tell if it's happening to me?" First of all, I think most...
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“I Am Fishead,” A Documentary About Psychopathy
hat the psychopath does is they weave a picture of a person that's really a dream. It's a spirit. It's not real. And you feel like you've discovered a soul mate. A deep intimacy. And you're...
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Psychopaths are Not Cowards (It’s Much Worse Than that)
Recently, someone said psychopaths are cowards because they victimize people who they know won't give them any trouble. It seems true that psychopaths are cowards, doesn't it? Is a lion a coward because it preys on the weakest in the herd? No; it's just hungry. We...
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How to Trust Again After a Relationship with a Psychopath
After involvement with a psychopath, you’re probably wondering how you’ll ever be able to trust again or even if you should. You found out the hard way that the psychopath was not at all who he or she pretended to be, and that their motives were vastly different from...
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Charm and the Psychopath
One mustn't look into the abyss, because there is at the bottom an inexplicable charm which attracts us. ~ Gustave Flaubert Charm. What is it, and why is the charm of the psychopath so powerful? I'm not sure where the following description of charm came from...
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Freedom From the Psychopath
"All things human hang by a slender thread; and that which seemed to stand strong suddenly falls and sinks in ruins" ~Ovid The illusion of the psychopath "standing strong" can't last. Cracks appear in his mask of smoke and mirrors. One day, the psychopath will no...
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Traits of the Psychopath’s Victim
Do you have traits that make you vulnerable to psychopathic manipulation? There are certain traits we may have that make us more likely to be victimized by psychopaths. This in no way suggests a victim is to blame -- the predator is clearly the one to blame....
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How to Tell if You’re Being Manipulated
Emotional manipulation can be so subtle and undercover that it can control you for quite a while before you figure out what's happening, if you ever do. Some manipulators are highly skilled. They're described by some as puppet masters, and you could become an...
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Vulnerability and the Psychopath
Psychopaths can easily spot a vulnerable person. They have an uncanny ability to look at a you and tell if you're a potential victim, one who will easily succumb to their mind games and provide them with what they need. Vulnerability is defined as being “capable of or...
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Emotional Abuse & Erosion of Identity: A Video
A powerful video about emotional abuse.
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Psychopaths Use Trance and Hypnosis to Get and Keep Victims
“Goodness, what big eyes you have!” The better to see you with,” said the wolf. The intense bond that forms between a victim and a psychopath at the beginning of pathological love relationship is due in part to the “hypno-powers” of the psychopath, according to Sandra...
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The Three Most Powerful Words Should Never Be a Lie
“I love you” are the three most powerful words ever spoken. They connect, transform and heal. When those words are said but not meant, they are something else entirely; they are implements of harm, and foretell of bad things to come. When “I love you” is a lie, it is...
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How to Help a Friend Victimized by a Psychopath
“We shall be friends to those heartbroken and in sorrow. We shall share their sorrow.” ~Rumi ♥ hen victims reach out to their family and friends after being victimized by a psychopath, many are...
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Faith That You Will Heal is the Key to Healing
In your darkest hours, you may wonder if you will ever heal from something as awful as what you have been through, having been the victim of a psychopath. The experience might have left you questioning the meaning and purpose of your life, and of life in...
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